Heart breaking- my little girl told me she has no friends

[Nanodust]

My daughter is a lovely, sensitive little girl. She often looks out for others, shares and it has been commented on how gently she is with some of the kids who have autism at school and who need to be around calm children.
We noticed that she seemed to be making friends who are in primary 1 (her siblings year) or in the year or two above hers. We gently suggested she make friends in her own peer group too. She made a friend in her class who moved away last year.
Tonight she burst into tears telling me how much she missed her friend. She said that the other girls in her class are often mean to her and won’t let her join in. She has told me that she plays okay with the boys but the girls. Today she told me one of the girls looked under the loo door and then told everyone about her knickers and they were all laughing at her.
She is 7 and I’m trying to offer advice, but I don’t know what to do. I moved from city to city, school to school growing up so never formed those critical friendships which means I don’t have close friends. I don’t want that for her, it can be very lonely.
Are there things I could do to help her? I’ve tried to be friendly with the parents of some of the kids but they haven’t been very friendly back. I’ve tried a few play dates and their kids come over but they never return the invite to my daughter.
Anyway, does anyone have tips or been through this and can offer advice? Thank you.

Just wanted to say she sounds like a lovely daughter and you sound like a lovely mum. Hope things improve soon

She sounds lovely, thoughtful and exactly me as a child if it’s any help, I’m now a very confident, sociable adult with lots of friends - it gets better. She might not ‘find her tribe’ at school but she’ll find them eventually! Does she do any out of school activities? I always did better making friends through them as they tended to be less cliquey. Library book clubs, young archaeologists, art class, creative writing, kids yoga, that sort of thing where being ‘sensitive’ (I hate that word applied to children but you know what I mean) is an asset?

This time last year my son was in the same position. He actually made his class target for the year “make some friends” and asked me how he could do it. I said Just keep being yourself and people will see you’re a kind/friendly/helpful boy. Broke my heart, he’s such a lovely little soul. I kept an eye as we walked to school and at the park nearby to see who said hello to him. Suggested he try and play with them at school. Fast forward a few months and he now has a little group of 4 or 5 friends. So much changes at this age. I also have to say, getting them into the latest craze can help too. My son learned to floss and played mine craft- it gave him something to talk about with classmates.

She is perhaps a little more innocent than some others in the class. We still read fairy tales and paint and watch nature programmes. I understand that a lot of the girls in her class listen to a lot more pop music (little mix etc), talk about fashion, have phones and get their ears pierced and some mums are trying to get them to have ‘boyfriends’.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl. What's going on with some of the other girls in her class sounds worrying. Let's hope it doesn't apply to all the girls.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing, but I would also definitely look into trying to find her a different peer group outside school in addition to this (activities and so on).

Have you tried setting up play dates? Make an effort. Sometimes you need to do this. I always make an effort with the kids, saying hello and asking how they are. Pointing out to my child “look! There is x. Say hello!” And setting up play dates, being friendly w the other parents. My kids when first starting school would say they had no friends and played with no one. I felt sad about it. But after speaking to the teachers realised this wasn’t true. And also I saw on playground them playing w other kids. They were 3/4 though when saying this so different to age 7. But you could make an effort with the kids on your daughters behalf.

Thanks again everyone. I’m going to give her a note today inviting one of the girls over for a play date and then others in the future.

I’m so grateful to MN and all the support here, virtual hugs to everyone

Do mention it discretely to the teacher. Is there a yr5/6 buddy system or play monitors? Is there a friendship bench? Are there some lunchtime clubs that she could join or after school ones? Play times won't drag if your DD is kept busy.

Is there any scope at all for her to join brownies/sports/music/church youth club after school? We found it really helpful for my DD to keep in touch with her "old" friends when she moved school and have friends outside of school. Could she skype her old friend once in a while? She might be feeling lonely too.

Some pre-teen girls can be absolutely vile and dominate a class, so it can help to feel that you don't need to get involved in "best friend" politics.

Just to reassure you that my DD(11) often chose to play with boys in preference to girls at that age at school. She was never really into fairies and hair plaiting and what ever it is the queen bee and her throng wanted to do. BUT she did have that friendship support network outside of school.

Your DD sounds lovely and caring. I hope the play dates go well.

one of mine has friend issues at school, outside of school has amazing friendships through her hobbies but at school the dynamics just don't work. Very odd mix of children, some really quite bitchy ones (from the age of 4 astonishingly - they are now 10), lots who socialise purely with those of the same culture/language and don't really mix outside that and this leaves very few who actually are "accessible" for want of a better word. She kind of bumbles along and has just accepted this is the way it is at that school in her year and that at secondary school there will be a lot of new potential friends. School say she isn't doing anything wrong, she just doesn't really gel with any of the others we don't think so I don't think it is her but I could be wrong. I feel reassured she has some friends who quite possibly will be friends for life outside of school but it does make school miserable for her.

You must tell the teacher about the toilet event. Children will only learn about respect and privacy if it's taught to them. They obviously aren't there yet!!

The toilet incident is unacceptable. Tell the school.

Op - I found that with younger children it’s the parents who often lead on friendships.

My ds was not invited to any parties at first and it was because none of the parents knew he existed - I worked full time and ds at after school provision.

Parents in their little cliques.

As time goes on kids will start to find their own friends.

Push on with play dates and see what happens.

Morning Op have you got her in any out of school clubs/classes? I found that massively helped my dd.

After a while she was able to find s peer group out of school so if she’d had s bad day in school she could focus on seeing her friends out side it. It took a while.

I found taking dd to a martial arts class really helped her confidence

Yes, she goes to tennis, judo and brownies. However quite a few of the girls from her class there and they are very cliquey. She is even asking to leave Brownies as she finds it a little overwhelming how they tease her and won’t let her join in, or tease her etc.
Ifioniyknew- you’re spot on. It just seems a very unfortunate mix of vey extroverted and assertive girls in her class. Which is great that they are full of confidence but a struggle for the quieter ones, like my DD. I hope that she will find her tribe, I don’t want her to change or feel bad for being a more thoughtful and reflective person.

no she doesn't need to change. my youngest is teased for being a goody two shoes but it is the way she is. she likes being well behaved and she likes teachers liking her! i don't want her to change that just because others think it isn't cool. I find it shocking that the behaviour which was teenagers when I was at school is now right down in the middle of primary school. Too many kids trying to be too grown up too quickly.

mine is year 5 now but she loves the Confidence Code for Girls, might be worth looking at for your daughter, you would have to read it with her and some bits might be too old (have to confess I haven't read it) or there is also You Are Awesome which you could look into as things to build/keep her confidence. With regards to brownies that is awful and I would hope the leaders wouldn't let that happen. Perhaps try a different brownie group?

Came back tonight to find out that one of the girls publicly pulled down her skirt and pants. However after speaking with her yesterday she had the confidence to tell her teacher and her and the girl who did were sent to headteacher. The girl was made to apologise and I hope that this shows them she won’t just take their horrible behaviour.

She's brilliant to stand up for herself.
Little ratbag to do this.

Huge hugs to your DD and a punch in the eye to the little bitch who assaulted her today.
I was going to suggest that you find out what sports or games they play at lunchtime and help her to get good at those in her own time. I was similarly treated in primary school and assumed to be bad at games (as I was very academic). I remember the first time I hit a ball the length of the rounders pitch to the astonishment of the pack of bitches rest. It created a sort of respect. It wasn't real popularity and I knew that but it was better than before. I also became a good skipper. I do think there was a level of confidence from not being embarrassed in the yard.
I also used to bring a book everywhere.
I did Brownies, riding, swimming and judo outside of school, as I see your DD does too. Sounds like Brownies is not quite as sweet as it was in my day. Maybe try another pack, or try Cubs?
It took me until university to find my people but I certainly found them then.
Tbh I think your DD's situation has now escalated beyond friends issues and needs intervention though.

OP this is getting well into the territory of being targeted bullying now.

For us DD2 has responded to being excluded by all of the girls in her class - by cultivating an entire classful of imaginary friends. The timing of it makes it bloody obvious it's directly in response to what's going on (we haven't had imaginary friends for a good year or so... although the last one did bring packed lunches to the dinner table at least so at least she's organised in the ones she comes up with!)

this post has made me so sad

You do sound like a great mum and she sounds like a lovely girl. I too want to cling onto childhood for as long as possible and I hope to avoid YouTube/boyfriends/make up with my DD for as long as possible too!

I really would have a word with the teacher. And possibly explain the situation to some of the other mum's in the playground (not accusingly though) to try and get them on-side

Your poor daughter. But well done to her to telling. This latest incident is really bad and I know my child's school would take this really seriously.

Did the teacher/headteacher speak to you about today's incident. If they haven't spoken to you directly, then I would go and speak to the head tomorrow. Ask them what they plan to do about this bullying, and it is bullying. Find out if this girls parents have been spoken to.

These girls know exactly what they are doing and i don't think just being made to apologise is enough. I would want something in place to protect my child.

I hope your daughter is ok.

oh poor little thing, that is awful but well done to her for telling the teachers. x

I’m going to see if I can get out of work a bit earlier and get a meeting with the teacher at the end of the day, not sure if they leave sharpish or not. I just want to check in and hear from the teacher about what is going on. I’m hoping that the headteacher getting involved will help but still, I want to let the teacher know that I am aware and want to ask for any strategies that may help.

Good to hear you are going to try to see the teacher. The teacher will probably know how unkind these girls are and how lovely your daughter is from what she sees in the classroom/playground so hopefully she will be supportive and able to help.

Let us know how you get on and I hope your daughter has a better day tomorrow.

My heart goes out to you OP.

This latest incident is absolutely not on. I would be making an appointment to see the head and wanting to know that the other child's parents had been informed and proper steps were taken. Your child should never, ever have to feel unsafe in that way. This requires a bit of a fuss. I don't think being sent to the head is enough.

The fact that this has happened just underlines the bullying that is actually going on - they're in a mindset where this was acceptable. In a way, it's brought it into the open and the school can't step away from this.