PGL - daughter not wanting to go

[madcatwoman197700]

My daughter is not good at staying away from
Home and despite hoping she would improve ready for PGL in september, she really don't think she can manage it

Does anyone know if we'd get a refund? We e paid £350

I know I'll get shot down but I'd make her go for a number of reasons:

• the other children at school will be talking about it a lot once over and she may feel even worse.

• sometimes the only way to get over a fear or anxiety is to confront it.

• these trips are fabulous opportunities to try new activities and explore new areas of team work, friendship and learning which aren't easily accessible in a classroom.

• the older she gets, the worse this leaving Home anxiety can get. Surely is best to deal with it now.

My ds was anxious about it, but had a great time.
Can you talk to the teachers who are attending and explain the problem. See what they can do to help, maybe pair her up with someone?
Could you send her along and then if she’s really not happy, go and collect her in the evening? How far is it?

@Seniorschoolmum collect in the evening is a good idea but @madcatwoman197700 I wouldn't let your daughter know that's an option otherwise she'll just be focused on picking up time rather than the activities.

Another one who would go in to talk to the teachers in early September.

One of mine REALLY didn't want to go. She also doesn't like sleepovers and doesn't feel comfortable away from home without us. We pushed her, she went and she was glad she had. One child didn't and her mother said she wished she'd sent her because it made a later (longer!) school trip worse.

I was extremely nervous about going too when I was a kid (I had bailed out on the previous single overnight trip) - but learning to push fear down and just do it has really helped me in life. Yes, I spent the time anxious, and worried I was going to be left out or do something stupid, but at least this trip was with classmates - it meant when a hobby related trip came up, that I wouldn't know anyone on, I could persuade myself to do it because I'd got through PGL.

You know your daughter best, but sometimes, doing things that scare you/make you anxious teaches you that they can be done, and you can get through it.

I never liked sleeping away from home when I was that age. I wasn't bullied but I still couldn't bear the thought of not hugging my mum and sister goodnight so for a very long time I couldn't go to sleepovers and certainly not PGL. Definitely enquiry about a refund. When did you pay for it there should be a cancellation period

If she can't do sleepovers I wouldn't force her to go.

I know someone who forced her child to go on the Y6 residential trip to PGL. She hated it. 2 years later she still refuses to go on sleepovers. The mum now takes her daughter's lead when it comes to school trips.

If your DD would like the actual activities on the trip is there a way of letting her be there for the day and you collecting her at the evening. I know Cubs etc sometimes offer this arrangement at camps for children who don't feel ready to sleep away from home.

@Oblomov18 your sweeping statements show your lack of compassion and empathy. There are many many reasons why a child might feel anxious about staying away from home, and for your information there is no such thing as 'over anxious'. If a child has anxiety then they need support.
OP my eldest has suffered from anxiety in varying degrees over the years, he managed to do a 2 night residential in Year 5 and 4 nights in Year 6 but his teachers were very aware of his issues and we worked together to make things as easy as possible for him. He did enjoy his time away but I know he didn't find it easy. He's 14 now and struggling again, getting anxious about our upcoming holiday. He'll be fine when he's there, its the unknown for him which causes problems.
I wouldn't force your DD if she really can't face it, she won't be the only one staying behind and they tend to organise fun things at school for them to do.
Maybe just discuss with her how she'll feel when the others return and are all talking about it, I'm not saying that's a reason not to go but might help to make her aware that this will happen and discuss some strategies to cope with this.

Pgl refund in case of illness.......

My son isn’t anxious and can manage sleepovers and cub camp fine. He loves bushcraft and forest school and we are quite outdoorsy.
He just doesn’t like climbing, abseiling, caving and all the other PGL type activities. He thought the canoeing was ok but although he did do all the activities he would rather not have
His sister absolutely loves all that and still talks about her year 6 res almost 3 years later.
Although I agree all dc should be encouraged to go to this kind of thing some kids really don’t want to and shouldn’t have to.

People always make a bigger deal of this than necessary - there's seems to be some rigid idea of what children must enjoy doing and how their life will suffer if they don't abseil at the age of 11. I didn't go on my PGL trip because I didn't want to. It was nothing to do with staying away from home, I was happy to do that, but I would've hated all the activities - still would!

There was a handful of us who didn't go and we actually had a great week at school. Formed some unlikely friendships and essentially had a "do whatever you feel like doing" artsy craftsy week. I loved it. I have no memory of being made to feel left out when everyone returned.

Ask about a refund and take her to Go Ape.

Thanks so much for all your kind words and advice everyone.

We've spoken to her in depth about it this morning and it seems a deep rooted issue surrounding her adoption (won't go until too much detail as outing but she lost her birth parents age 2 in a very student and traumatic way) and I think she has similar fears about something similar happening to us.

She really wants to do the activities, so I am going to see if they will let her go during the day and I collect her after dinner and drop her off in the morning. Luckily my husband's job will allow us to be able to do this if the school/PGL agree.

She saw her sister and brother go to PGL but they're not adopted, and literally loved it.

I'm not comfortable with forcing her to go because of the above.

I haven't meant to drip feed so thanks for bearing with me. I was originally only wondering about a refund but this has all been so helpful.

for you and your DD, you are clearly a wonderful supportive parent and are putting your DDs best interests first.

OP I hope you can sort something out so DD can go for the days. As I said above I know our scout group have offered this arrangement, as they want children to enjoy camp. Slightly different but DS hates heights, so he is never made to do any activities that involve heights. He only does what he is comfortable to do, with encouragement from the adults. Did manage to do a zip wire once, but vowed never to do one again!

I assume DD's school are aware of, at least some of, your DD's history. So I imagine they would try to accommodate your wishes that DD should be able to access the trip, without having to stay there. As a school Governor I would be happy to agree to this, if it came up at a meeting.

Oh poor thing suffering that trauma. Understandable that she finds it hard. Sounds like a great solution you've found and it will give her the option of trying an overnight if she feels up to it

You sound like a kind, sensitive mum

Yes, it's the dormitory set-up and the nights and the non-organised chill-out times that are the hardest times for children unhappy at being away from home. Glad you've had a long chat, days only sounds a perfect compromise. If she feels confident after a couple of days then maybe she could stay a night?

My DD went on a PGL and we heard nothing from her for the whole week. We assumed she was having a wonderful time - in fact she hated every second of it. Don't make her go.

Same DD feigned an asthma attack when asked to abseil down a cliff on a school trip. At next parents' evening the teacher who went with them said he had had no idea that DD had such bad asthma. I quickly worked out what had happened and kicked my OH under the table to stop him saying she doesn't have asthma.

Talking to her about it afterwards she said ! "Well I am not going to abseil down a cliff - do you think I am mad!?" Love that girl!

I think that’s a great way forward.

I hope the school are receptive to your plan. I wouldn't force her to go either. My eldest has ASD and didn't go on the Yr6 residential. School allowed us a term-time holiday and we went on an activity holiday as a family instead.

He's now in Yr7 in an ASD base. Didn't want to go on that residential but the base organised a day trip to it which he went on and thoroughly enjoyed it.

When 1 of mine went she was reluctant we paid and the teacher said we could get a refund minus deposit. she ended up going in the end and enjoyed it once she went back to school in the August her class were excited and she got swept up in it. Don't force the issue just tell herit is ok not to go but wait and see how she feels

My DS1 was like this as a wee boy. We were encouraged by the school to force him to attend and in hindsight. I regret this. He is 26 now. V independent and a confident traveller. He still remembers being forced to go as a form of punishment.
When DS2 came along there was no pressure at all from the school. He went to one residential but didn’t want to do any others. A few others children didn’t go and the school organised activities. There was no feeling at all of being left out.

My DD didn’t go on her Y5 residential because DH and I really didn’t like the look of it. School put a lot of pressure on both DC and parents for DC to go, but quite a few families resisted the pressure and quite a few that did send their DC complained both before and afterwards about several issues.

No DC’s life has been ruined by not going on a school trip but, for some DC, school trips are traumatic and damaging. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.

Spaghetti for your information:
The dictionary definition of 'overanxious' is : an adjective : excessively anxious.

So you are wrong there for starters.
And if a child has extreme anxiety there is support available and parental suggestions for how to help.

I don’t see why the school or PGL wouldn’t go for the compromise. I think you have had a mature discussion and she may well get a lot out of it if she wants to do the activities and would enjoy them.

My DDs went on a residential in Y2 and some children did the days only and came back in the morning after sleeping at home. If parents can accommodate that, it works.

For the future, can she do a sleepover with any close relative? Obviously not sure what your situation is regarding grandparents, but it will be limiting in the future if she cannot ever be away from you. Obviously you thought PGL might have been the catalyst but maybe a single night with family might be a move forward? She may, of course, even think staying for the final night at PGL can be managed after she’s had a great week. You never know.