How much are schools responsible for a child's social skills development?

[Bi11yOneMate]

If the parents are crap at it, how much can you expect a primary school to help a child make friends and appropriate adult relationships?

Basically I'm a bit worried about dd1. I suffer from anxiety, and I strongly suspect I have "autistic traits" - I'm really very crap at maintaining friendships - so I can't help her. DH is quite introvert but has a small group of friends he meets away from the family every so often as they are all childfree.

Dd1 seems to be a bit like me - friendly to everyone, but doesn't maintain friendships for unknown reasons. And her report has described her as playing alone or seeking adult conversations at playtimes.
This really worries me. I don't want her to be lonely and sad like was/am. I want her to learn how to make and keep friends! I want her to be happy.

So - is this something I can ask the school to help with, or is this something I'm expected to do as a parent? Is it out of their remit?

Before anyone suggests brownies or scouts etc she is very resistant, and they have a long waiting list anyway (I've put her on the list unknown to her despite her unwillingness).

Help?

Could she ask a friend to tea?

How old is she?

She's 7. We've had friends to tea in R and yr1 but they fizzled out and the last few she asked didn't want to come. And if I'm honest I struggle with the behaviour as they get so over excited and silly.

The invites weren't really reciprocated.either

I'm an Aspie but luckily my kids are much more successful socially than me.

My boys had help from school in Reception. One was in a nurture group to help with general social skills (August born) and the other had social speech therapy so that he could speak in a group situation.

They don't have extended family to learn this from but seems to have picked it up naturally,

raining is that something you had to request, or did the school identify a need themselves?
I know Dd1's school is short of funds so I'm not sure they could do that anyway....

We also don't have extended family. Well only ones with either autism or severe social anxiety!

Oh and a relapsing alcoholic.

Yes schools help with this sort of thing. Social communication, friendship groups etc. They may well identify her as having that need already but I don’t think it would hurt for you to speak to the teacher and share your concerns.

Can she join Brownies or Cubs as this will really help her.

My DD's school ran a small group with a TA on friendship or some kind of social skills. Also, have you thought of drama classes for your DD, they can be really good at building confidence for talking to others.

Drama classis really really expensive though. But we could give it a try certainly

The school identified them. This was admittedly quite a while ago (my kids are currently y12 and y7) Their primary school was rated poorly by OFSTED but they were shit-hot at that kind of thing. I'd not heard of social speech therapy.

Does your school have things like friendship benches for people who want someone to play with or organised playground games (like What's the Time Mr Wolf?" that people can join?

No I've never heard of social speech therapy either!
Apparently they removed the friendship bench as it was causing bullying issues....

I'll have a word with next year's teacher or maybe the SENCO?

And thanks

Hi OP, we have aspire genes in the family too. My 7yo is probably not on the spectrum but does have some traits and we worry that he finds friendships and emotions difficult to navigate. We've got him on the list for ELSA (emotional literacy) chats with a teacher in the autumn term (there's a waiting list). We know some others who've had the support and found it useful. You can start by talking to your DC's class teacher about any concerns - they might already be looking out for her - and about the possibility of ELSA chats for her too.

DO have a chat with the teacher, or the SENCo. This is definitely a thing many schools would work on, but it never does any harm to have that conversation with them.

DS1 has absolutely blossomed in Reception and Year 1, from being on the early intervention pathway for autism from the 2.5 year check. We talked to the teachers from day one saying our main concerns were his social skills and they worked hard helping him navigate friendships and learn how to interact appropriately, organising activities in class that would promote confidence like show and tell, and having a slightly heavier hand in friendships than might otherwise have been the case (he wasn't the only child to need a helping hand).

He's also been in a weekly drama club this year that is focused on confidence and communication skills (Perform, it's a franchise I think) and that has helped him enormously as well. It was expensive but was worth every penny to see him standing up in front of a roomful of parents and sing a song on his own after just the first term.

I actually just found a thread about Perform from about 10 years ago! But it pretty much sums up our experience: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/352267-has-anyone-had-any-experience-of-perform-drama-classes

We have speaking and listening intervention groups, then some social skills/friendship circle groups that my kids go out of class to do - one of mine has the social skills of a housebrick and the other has speech issues.

Schools can and do help with this sort of thing, but as you have identified, schools are on their knees financially and fewer and fewer children will benefit from intervention.

There is probably a lot you can do at home. There are some good social skills board games you can buy and there are social skills videos on youtube. There are also lots of books on the topic of helping children develop socially. You could play and watch together and talk about strategies to make and keep friends.

I've had a word. Apparently she is on their radar but as "she is happy" there is no need for intervention. And she does seem happy.
Would the teachers on here agree with that?

Board games are an issue with the toddler around but I can do that when he naps during the holidays. Which ones do you recommend? I don't do YouTube with the kids.

It's certainly something you could discuss with the school. For example the school could suggest another child who is a good fit for DD and you could invite her home for tea. The school could offer a lunch time support for children who struggle socially - even informally (lunch time buddies, friendship bench, sometimes something really simple like asking DD and another similar child to help with something before going out to play so they both go out together etc).

I assume your dd is a road to assessment for ASD?

No she is not being assessed. She had screening tests done in preschool and they came up in the grey "mild" area. But I've since been told they are not good at picking up girls anyway. School said assessment wouldn't change what they do as they provide assistance/intervention based on neecnot diagnosis, and she's fine and high achieving so....

School said to screen again near end of primary though as diagnosis can be useful for secondary /teen years.