School Gate Mums

[MrsSnootyPants2018]

Omg!! What an experience!!

Yesterday was DD second taster session at primary school but my first time dropping off.

What is with the over dramatic performances?

So much happened in a short hour it's unreal!

1- other kids climbing up the school gate (fine up to them) I don't like DD doing that so asked her to get down.

2- teacher says "say bye to everyone and come in" DD says bye and walks off, I say bye and walk off to my car. On the phone by my car and when the other parents come over one asks "didn't you want to stay?" Well no, I said she's fine and I've got things to do.

3- get in my car and try to get out the car park when two mums chatting are blocking my turning signal. Saw me and I said what I was trying to do would you mind moving. "Well I think if you drive your car like this and do that you'll be okay". Eerrmmm okay then. I said that I'd be fine and be out quicker if I could just swing in that gap.

4- turn up again to pick DD. Same mums there say nothing. The min DD come out and is with me she says " oh I think we need to chat. I know you're not used to dropping off and picking up so"

I stopped her there. I said I'm not offended I'm just in rush. I'm just here to drop my dd off and pick her up again and walked off!

Is this sort of questioning and crap an everyday school gate thing? If so, how do you all cope?!

I don't get why anything that I was doing her business especially my driving. I think she aaa just annoyed she had to move her conversation. Also, why should I stick around and watch my child and cry? My dd is confident and didn't need me.

you already thought it was pointless. I feel you have social anxiety op, or some beef about parents that spend more time with their kids than at work.

We're all primarily interested in our DC, whether we chat at the school gate or not but in fact your DC need a network of friends to be a well rounded person.

i also don't see a 'confrontation' in the points you relayed, I had another look. Nobody thinks you're a bitch - I do think you have overworked this in your mind.

It sounds like you went in with a preconceived ideas about school gate mums (who are just mums who take their children to school). You will spend many years at the school gate, and at assemblies and events and organising play dates and at birthday parties in the coming years. There is nothing wrong with dropping and running but all of the above things will be nicer with a few mums to chat with, you never know you might even make some new friends. When I had my next child it was the school gate mums who dropped in on their school runs with meals, cards, gifts, offered to help with school runs while I adjusted... Honestly life is always better when you are friendly with those around you and I believe you get back what you put out. Also, it doesn't sound like she "lectured" you, perhaps she just wanted you to know you were welcome to stay and chat and didn't want you to feel an outsider.

@dupainduvin I don't have social anxiety!

I work in marketing and spend the majority of my working life at events and socialising and it's never been a problem. Please stop trying to put that label on me.

@ALiensAbductedMe possibly.

It's not that I didn't want to stay and chat. I just had thing that I wanted to do in the free house like timing my commute.

Maybe I'm not designed for this sort of thing. Maybe I'll try next week but I know I'd rather leave and make use of that hour. If I've got the afternoon off work, I want to make the most of that time.

"Learning, progress and development" does not only happen inside a classroom.

Gosh you're a very concrete thinker aren't you. Try to ease up a little, look less for fault and try to accept that the world will not run according to your expectations and standards.

Nothing wrong with just wanting to leave, OP. But having prejudice about school gate mums from just one experience is what I am sceptical about. I am not sociable. I don't like chit chat. But I don't have negative view about school gate either.

well, you are not acting normally about this and I can't see why from a rational perspective. No labels, fine, but you can see that most of us think you've overreacted and seen confrontation with scant evidence, and the history of hating all the other times you've had to interact with 'mums' - it adds up to something.

the sense that does come across from your posts is that you feel your time is more important than anyone that wants to chat. That's not a nice attitude. You don't know that some of the chatty mums don't have full time jobs that are impressive individuals when they're not parenting etc but just happen to like a chat.

You're a school gate mum too.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong.

There is no law that you need to chat at the school gate.

There was no reason for the other mum to say anything about how and your DD acted. Maybe she jealous that your DD is happy and independent to go into school with out a fuss.

@IcelandicWarriors very true now! 😂

@dupainduvin yes they probably have jobs too and so on that's not what I'm saying. It's not that my time is more important than a chit chat if I'm
Not busy but when I have things to do I'm going to get on and do them.

Maybe I did over react as I've said next week is less busy so maybe I will try and chat right now things may change. But that day I was busy so left.

isn't that just normal though snooty? Some days I'm busy and don't chat, some days my work is slower (like today). Nobody chats every day, I can't think of a single parent that is always hanging around chatting, even the few SAHP that aren't working usually have things to get to with their preschool age DC or volunteering etc.

Hmm, something about the way you post and what you described makes you come accross as quite confrontational and looking to be pissed off. It wouldn’t hurt you to chill I a bit and just chat with them. I like the drop off. I sometimes go for coffee with a couple of mums after. They are all just normal people looking to be nice.

Jesus Christ, what a fuss about nothing. There is literally no drama in your post at all. You’re not the only working/busy Mum at the school and tbh, you’d do well to be a bit more friendly. Your poor kid, Mum causing issues with her peers mums over nothing before she’s even started

This will be me as dd starts Reception in September. Dreading it

Some of my closest and best friends have been made at the school gates. Be open minded. It's not all cliques and cliches.

School gate mums are just a cross section of your local community. Some are arsehats, some are lovely, most fall somewhere between those two perimeters. The thing is though, youre going to be with these people for the next seven years at least, and it’s worth making an effort at this early stage even if that means sometimes biting your tongue or making inane chit chat for a few minutes rather than just rushing off.

Having friends, or at least people you know a bit in the class mums, can be really useful. One day you’ll be running late and need someone to pick up your child, or you’ve lost the spelling list or you want to borrow a sheep costume for the nativity (of course you reciprocate these favours when possible). Not to mention all the sports days, class assemblies and birthday parties you’re going to be at, having another adult to talk to makes them all a little less tedious.

You don’t have to be bosom buddies with the other mums, but sending out ‘I’m terribly busy and don’t want to talk to any of you’ vibes isn’t going to make your time at primary any easier.

You need to realise that in a certain way you will rely on other parents during the 7 years of primary school.

Be it for emergency drop off or pick up as you and your DH are too ill to go out of the house or you run late thanks to traffic problems, be it to ask for copies of letters your DD lost/forgot, borrowing items for dress up or colour days, be it for car pools for birthday parties or school disco. Being reminded that xyz has to be brought to school.

Some schools are useless with advanced warnings and electronic mailing. We had one year where notices were posted at the classroom at pick up. Luckily some mums made a photo and shared it around,

A bit of politeness and making an effort to get to know them goes a long way. You don’t need to attend every coffee morning or going for a drink at Christmas. You don’t need to lay bare every part of your private life,

You can obviously put your DH in charge but prepared that lots of other mums will still see you as the main contact/person to approach.
If you socialise for a living than you should be able to do this, just see the school mums as a corporate client you don’t really like

No 1 - you asked her not to climb on the school gate. Fine. Unless you made some other PA remark about the other children weren't supposed to be doing it either, which could have been perceived as an insult by their parents.

No 2 - other parent asks "Didn't you want to stay?" - not being judgey, just making conversation with a newbie.

No 3 - either A you are shit at manouevring and they couldn't see the reason for needing to move out of your way, or B you were rather curt when asking them to move. In any case, why shouldn't they be chatting in the car park? They have probably known each other for years and could be best friends for all you know.

No 4 - you interrupted the other mum before she had a chance to finish her sentence, so how can you assume that what she was going to say would be unpleasant?

Seems like you managed to rub a lot of people up the wrong way in a very short space of time.

So what was the mum trying to say to you?

It's not clear she was going to say. She may have been about to invite you for coffee one morning, or suggest lift sharing or something.

Don't be totally closed off. It's good to have some people you know at the school, to collect your DD if you are stuck at work or bring in a box for craft when you don't have one, or lend a fancy dress costume when it's dress up.

The talking when you're trying to move your car out of the carpark thing did used to drive me bloody barmy at my kids' old school. The same people, doing it every bloody day, in the most inconvenient spot where you physically couldn't get round them and out of the place... really really grated after a while.

The other stuff - smile and wave... smile and wave. I tell my kids to get down from stuff other kids are allowed to climb - and if I get the "but X is doing it" whine back they get the "I'm not X's mummy" reply. I'm now at the point where I don't give a shit about being seen to be stricter than some other parents (we're a bit in insipid free rein "he's spirited" parenting central at times) - but generally a smile and a "morning, you alright" keeps people happy and just makes life easier.

I think, OP, you will struggle to make friends if you drop and run. Who on earth can get to know you. I assume your DD won’t be able to have friends round because you won’t like their parents. I would just delegate it all to your DH. Let’s hope he’s a bit more open minded.

By the way, Barefoot, I know lots of mums who are best friends with other school gate mums. Do you know what?? They are the clique! One hundred % definition of a clique.

OP they sound batshit tbh. So they were standing blocking the entrance/exit to a carpark. Regardless of school or not no one should be doing this. Sounds like teens standing around as if they own the place. Or am I missing something!

Why they had to comment about you not being used to doing drop offs is also beyond me. I suspect many other parents are also doing drop offs for the first time. Sounds as if they are pissed off at being asked to move and are behaving again like teens trying to show you up in some way. Carry on as you are.

Do check with the school about parking though as ours often gets complaints for parking up side roads blocking gates and so on. Sounds like you didn't park around the school area though so no idea what the other parents were on about.

My dd is there to learn, progress and develop. That's what I'm interested in.

That may be what you're interested in but your child will also be interested in making friends. I can guarantee that if you carry on with the rudeness she won't get invited to many parties or on many playdates.

Good god . What a drama over nothing . I agree you are the one coming across hard and abrasive. As you are in marketing you should know people respond to how you respond . No I am lucky she goes in happily would of been simple answer without any drama.