Struggling single mum & Child behind in Reception

[meowimacat]

I feel really crappy - just been pulled aside yet again by my child's teacher to be told my child - who is the oldest in his Reception class - is behind everyone else at school.

It's been a year since myself and my ex split and I became a single mum of two children. Our separation coincided with my child starting Reception class, and I feel like I probably wasn't as good at teaching things to him in preparation for starting school as I'd have liked.

This last year has been very difficult for me, I took on the extortionate rent for the family home, run my own business which is struggling and I work around school hours. I do 90% of the childcare - my ex see's the children when his work allows him to, so sometimes can be 2-3 weeks before he see's them again. I have no family nearby to help ever. I feel like I'm just about getting by at the moment, feel like I've had a few breakdowns over the last year where I feel out of my depth. I have explained this to the school before.

I just feel awful and admit maybe I have been selfish and not been teaching them as much as I should or devoting as much time to helping with their education. I've just felt exhausted and sometimes maybe been selfish with my time. But I'm clearly not doing a good enough job and I'm so embarrassed I have yet again been told my child is behind. I have to go in next week to discuss exactly what they think he is behind on this time.

Between school and bed time we have a few hours a night - which includes bath time, homework time (they get a LOT every night - sometimes we don't do it) and play time and me cooking/them eating dinner. Also sometimes I have to take them to jobs with me.

I'll be honest, sometimes the last thing I feel like doing after all that is even more work with them. I'm exhausted too.

Can anyone recommend anything I can do to help him catch up? Any learning websites or work sheets I could use? With the Summer holidays coming up I'm wondering if there are any kind of clubs that would help him catch up.

I do believe in playing, and so this is why I don't put pressure on him to learn. I realise he's only 5 and a half, and has time to learn.

But the guilt of not doing enough is so bad now, I feel awful for being such a useless mum. :( I hated school and was always below average, and I hate for my child is being seen that way due to me being useless.

You are doing great. Don't blame yourself.
If you find it hard to do something in the evening, is it a possibility to get up 10 minutes early and read/talk/etc in the morning?
From my experience, regular 5 minutes a day does worth a while in the long run.

I think the homework sounds excessive. DS is year 1 and doesn't have that much yet. I hate the homework and I don't think it does him any good to be honest. He needs a break - as do you.

Maybe try and find a compromise with the teacher in terms of what is actually feasible to do. Maybe chat with some other parents re whether they are managing the homework or struggling as well - I know one parent who told me she was doing the homework for her child as they just wouldn't do it. That will give you some confidence.

It is hard when they are behind (DS is/was) and it tugs at your heart strings but they all develop differently and he will get there.

Thanks for the response. Yes I sometimes get up early and we do work then. If we don't do any homework we still read his homework books every night. I'll just have to try harder, especially over the Summer.

The responsibility to help your child isn’t just yours it’s shared with the school. The school should be telling you how THEY will support your child more at school and make suggestions on how you can work with them. If this doesn’t happen they aren’t doing what the should for your child, question it.

Over summer make time for reading you to your child and them to you. Watch alphablocks, number blocks, play some educational games (orchard or the like) practise writing in a fun way. Add this to suggestions from school and it should help x

He has had homework every night since his first day. The other parents mention how excessive it is too - some have brought it up with the school who ignore them. However, they all seem to do it and they haven't been told they're behind.

I blame myself, I should have done more, I just have let things slip and now see what's happened because of that. I'll be honest though, sometimes I just really don't feel like doing anything like that at the end of an exhausting day.

Thank you - I have bought lots of the Orchard toys, we just haven't got around to playing them yet. Will make a start on them this weekend.

Homework every night sounds like a lot for a Reception child!

You're being very hard on yourself. Even if you were able to immediately retire from working life and devote every waking moment to your child, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't be at exactly the same point that he is now. Children develop at different rates and not all of them will be ready to learn academic stuff at 4 or 5 years old.

Are there any specific areas that your DS struggles with?

Could you include him in the things you already do? Preparing vegetables...’what orange coloured fruit and vegetables can you think of?’ ‘Can you spell carrot?’ Counting out things as you get them ready, what happens if you take some of them away? It doesn’t all have to be organised learning time. At least you’re engaged and making the effort! Give yourself credit!

That's awful, he's only 5, in other countries he wouldn't even be in formal education. Way to put kids off learning at an early age.

Being pulled aside isn't good enough on the schools behalf. Please request a meeting with the teacher and ask them to explain in much more detail what's going on and which areas he is behind in.
I'm baffled what they are expecting you to do with 'he's behind'!! You need to know why - is it concentration? Slow learning? Tiredness? Don't expect to be psychic they need to help you understand.

Also did he go to nursery? Is this feedback consistent with reports from nursery?

I highly doubt that you are 'not doing enough' since you are a sahm and your child has plenty of one to one

School sounds a bit strange... Tbh if you're getting loads of homework in reception I feel that your school might be a bit pushy and could possibly have skewed expectations. I'm a teacher and all the schools I have ever worked at have had an emphasis on learning through play at that age. Can you tell me what you're already doing for homework each day and what he's struggling with and I will try to give you better advice. Please please don't beat yourself up... Children get behind for all sorts of reasons and no parent or teacher is perfect all of the time. The fact that you're on here asking proves that you are a good parent.

You are getting lots of homework in Reception? what sort of thing are they asking you to do? We hardly set ours any (just reading and a diary they can write in as and when they want to)

At this point of reception him being behind is not going to be because you didn't do enough to prepare him in September, and most reception children don't get loads of homework, as long as you are reading with them it is honestly not likely to be in any way your fault he is behind, he's still very young so he might just be a later developer, or maybe he does just find school work hard and needs a bit more support from school, its not something you need to be embarrassed about.

Cbeebies have some quite fun maths and phonics games, I like numtums and alphablocks, Top marks are quite good, we use their games in school. They are games he should be able to play independently so could be something he does while you are cooking dinner, 5-10 minutes here and there will achieve more than hours of work.

My dc in reception brings home one book a day for me to read to him. Once a week we get a biff and chip that he reads to me and once a week homework.

Your school is overestimating what a 5yr old can manage.

Ask the school to be specific about how he is behind and how they intend to help him. And try to enjoy your time with him.

He's still a baby and the school seem to be pushing way to hard. I am really anti homework but my 9 year old only gets it once a week and they try and make it really fun so we do do it. There was no homework at all in reception or years 1&2.
Children all learn at a different pace and it has nothing at all to do with the amount of tutoring they get. My 9 year old excels in everything despite very little teaching at home, one of my younger ones is more likely to struggle but they'll be much better at more physical activities and theres more to life than being academic.

you need to stop apologising and ask the school exactly what they are doing to address this? have they screened him for learning difficulties? have they done small group work him? what interventions have they planned? make it totally clear to them that you will listen to him read and do spellings as he gets older. frankly the 6 hours a day they have a 5 year old should be plenty to cover what is needed.

That's a lot of homework for a reception child - we had homework 3 times a week, and I was very hit an miss about it (now he's in year 3 and it's about 10 minutes a day, which is getting him in good habits)

What is he behind on? Anything specific? It's hard for you unless you know what to work on/with. What are they suggesting? My DS is dyspraxic, and they had lots of suggestions to help him and we worked together with the school to help him out (his handwriting is still well behind, but we know why, and no-one is giving him a hard time for it)

Do not be down on yourself - for a start, it's just one year, for a second, you're a parent, not a teacher - you need support to support the school, you aren't going to magically know what to do to help without them telling you.

That level of homework though... not on.

Fucking hell... homework every night?! I thought our school could be a bit excessive in terms of the Reception homework when we get a learning task that's meant to be fortnightly but seems to drift home at random, a phonics game that's meant to be the other side of fortnightly but again drifts home randomly and lots of pressure to read every night without fail.

Point 1 - you don't know which other parents are being pulled aside to be told their kids are behind. There's bound to be another few on the playground keeping quiet who've had the same sort of talk as you have and are keeping quiet on it.

Point 2 - it's not really something they should be pulling you aside now to drop bombshells on you like this anyway - this would have been clear and on the cards for months and they should have dealt with it then (we had "the talk" about DD2 not being on track to hit expectations back at the start of November she's caught up since and I always had said the class teacher had misjudged her initially ) with you... throwing it in at this late stage smacks to me they're trying to cover their arses in time for their end of year assessments coming in and not wanting you to suddenly think "what the hell - why has no one told me"

Find out what in particular they think he's struggling with when you go to the meeting and then people on here should be able to recommend things more specifically. Like I say - we had this back in early November and I was really knocked down by it (despite being fairly confident they'd not quite figured DD2 out yet - which did turn out to be an accurate judgement of the situation) so it's a normal reaction to feel how you are right now.

I'm going to be keeping gently on at DD2 over the summer holidays as it's all suddenly clicked together really well with her - to make sure it stays put... no more than 5 minutes here and there a couple of times a day though.

I had a similar problem, and I can't stress to you do not lose hope, my dd is now flying age 10 and getting the highest scores in her year. Your ds could be a late developer and will easily catch up in time.

In the meantime the following information is needed:

1. If he is falling behind, he needs to be assessed just in case there is a problem that you are not aware of. This is important as there could be a reason

2. Get both his hearing checked (at the drs) and his eyes tested just in case.

3. Ask his teacher what additional support SHE can offer during break times and after school to assist, you can not be expected to do this single handedly

4. Get into the little and often routine every morning - he practices something that he needs to improve on. He gets a star and a little treat (maybe watch tv afterwards or something small each time this can work wonders at this age)

5. You have said you don't have much money but consider a tutor to get him to up to speed over the summer holidays. Alternatively buy some well known work books and do them with him.

Don't give up!!

You are doing a great job, running a business and caring for two young boys. It does get easier.

BTW your dh needs to step up and start supporting you with this, and just generally. If he can't be there to help with the homework, he needs to pay for someone who can.

Check out top marks.co.uk

I’ve found it really good for helping with counting/matching/sorting with my 3/4 yr old x

Never mind how he compares to the rest of his class, how does he score a cording to national levels? What exactly is he behind with? Can he dress himself? Use the toilet independently? Follow instructions? Sit and listen? Take turns?
In terms of academic achievements a huge mix is normal in reception so it's hard to see how he could be worryingly behind.

A tutor for a 5 year old! Now Ive heard it all.

I think the best thing you can do, if you want to help him is read with him when you can. Have him practice writing his name or different letters. If he can read, have him read to you. If children can read well, it helps the in the later years I believe. Also, if they have a love for reading its such nice pleasure in life :)

Homework every freaking night?!?!

Is this a private school?

My son is in reception and is flying.

Other than reading (which they like them to do at least 3 times a week) they have basically no homework. Occasional “record your child doing doubling and halving and put it on the special site” and they had a “bean diary” where they grew a bean stalk and measured it once a week.

But that is it.

Pretty sure the school is good as their SATS results are well above national average and dd got all “exceeding” in her Year 2 SATS last year.

Did they tell you what they meant by behind, or give you any indication of what he can’t do that they’re expecting him to be able to do?