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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Could I please get some outside opinions on dd1's friendship problems in school?

35 replies

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 22:33

Dd1 (10) is being excluded by the girls in her year. It is a small school and there is one girl who DOES NOT ALLOW the others to speak to my dd. Occasionally one of the others will say, "I would be your friend but x won't let me." When "x" was absent from school, all the girls were friendly to my dd and they had a lovely time.
We are in contact with the teachers over this but immediately after there has been intervention, x makes the situation worse.
There is no physical bullying but plenty of snide comments/blanking.
Any bright ideas?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Sobernow · 15/05/2007 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 22:47

Hmm. She is miserable though and it has been going on for a couple of years - with very small breaks .

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Sobernow · 15/05/2007 22:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aloha · 15/05/2007 22:53

She is being bullied. Go ballistic!

Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 22:56

The school are generally trying to get her to integrate - I think what they don't realise is that if somebody who has been ignoring you then asks you to play because they have been told to, it is not an easy and comfortable thing to say yes.
I'm at a loss - no chance of x leaving, I don't think, so unless the other girls stop being so spineless, I don't see how it can get better.

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Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 22:57

Dd doesn't like admitting the problem to teachers - she worries that it will get worse.

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MamaG · 15/05/2007 23:02

its bullying

simple

Go back to teh school and INSIST they sort it out immediatley

Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 23:03

But what is the solution to this kind of situation?

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MamaG · 15/05/2007 23:07

What is your school's bullying policy? surely they are the best placed people to deal with this? I feel for you tooticky, i really do, you must feel a bit helpless when she's at school but honestly, I would go back to school adn say you want it sorting and what do they suggest

Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 23:15

They are focussing on integration. I dunno. Maybe making a big thing of it would make it worse. I have reason to believe that x's parents don't know anything about it though - the mother recently offered dd1 a lift and looked surprised when I politely declined, saying there were problems between them at school. Perhaps they should be made aware - but this would be better coming from the school than me, I think.

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MamaG · 15/05/2007 23:15

I agree TT, if you get involved with x's mum, it could get awkward.

Tamum · 15/05/2007 23:18

I remember being on the receiving end of this too- absolutely horrible. I'm really sorry. It's so hard to think of how to stop it really, isn't it, given that swapping classes is obviously out of the question? Does she just have one more year at the school?

Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 23:20

Yes, one more year. She's practically counting the days. I have considered home-edding her for a year but I think this might be giving in.

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Original poster

TooTicky · 15/05/2007 23:21

And no chance of swapping classes - two years to a class here.

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ekra · 16/05/2007 09:46

Sobernow "It's peer pressure and mind games that girls are extremely skilled at."

Hey, let's not stereotype please.

"Childline research published in March 2003 found that there are no significant gender differences in types of bullying among primary school children. Boys and girls are equally likely to suffer from physical bullying, such as being beaten up, and social bullying, such as being ostracised, taunted or gossiped about".

TooTicky - this situation sounds miserable for your poor DD1 and it sounds like bullying to me. I have no experience of this since my DD1 hasn't started school yet. If your DD is counting the days until she leaves this school I can only imagine how damaging this situation could be for her.

Perhaps there is an organisation you can contact to seek advice over the best way to proceed with the school.

there are lots here

Zofloyya · 16/05/2007 09:53

This is bullying. If the school's only response is to talk about the need to integrate your daughter, then they are in effect blaming the victim. As well as asking her to integrate, they need to focus on changing the behaviour of the perpetrators. Go back and ask them how they intend to do this, and how they will follow through on their interventions in order to tackle this issue of x escalating her bullying in response to them.

This kind of subtle bullying is hard to tackle, I know - but there are plenty of schools that DO tackle it effectively. Can you do some research and find out what kinds of strategies can be used - kidscape might be helpful - and then you can ask the school specifically to employ them, rather than just letting them fob you off with talk of integration as if it's just up to your daughter to pull her socks up and get on with socialising with her tormentors. Poor kid, how awful that her teachers are too lazy/lacking in insight to support her.

batters · 16/05/2007 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Berries · 16/05/2007 11:22

It's bullying. See PPhs recent thread on something similar. DD2 suffered from this for years & eventually we had to remove her from the school. I hadn't realised just how unhappy it had made her until she had been at her new school a few months & I we got our old happy dd back.

Suggest you go into writing about it, copy to the governors. I took the softly, softly approach & it didn't work.

Original poster

TooTicky · 16/05/2007 12:30

It's such a good and supportive school in so many ways though. Maybe they're afraid of rocking the boat.
Thanks for the links.

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ahundredtimes · 16/05/2007 12:59

I wouldn't be afraid of getting your hands a little dirty and jumping right in there. Remember, they are children. I started a thread at the weekend about how I walked up to the mother of a child who was making my ds's life horrid and suggested we get them together to try and iron it out. No idea whether this will work, but I'll give it a go. Perhaps you should do the same? You don't have to say anything about them being horrid to your dd, just ask her round for tea. Risky strategy but might pay off.
And you have to show your dd it's not okay to be bullied - has a nasty habit of carrying on - and that you can take action.

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 16/05/2007 13:10

is there any chance to switch schools or classes? or have x be forced to switch?

it could be quicker then trying to ammend the situation and more pain free for your dd

or you could throw a huge party with tons of pampering and fun for all the girls but x.

we had a similar popular girl who made a mess in our grade school and in the final year she was 'overthrown' by her bestfriend, the entire grade, girls and boys, ostracized her and did horrible things for about two months until her father had to walk her to and from school every single day. i think we got her back.

MummyPenguin · 16/05/2007 13:13

Having only read the OP - this happened with my DD. I went into school a couple of times over it, but it didn't really stop. Then I went in again and told the teacher that I wanted the other girl's parents brought in, which they were. The parents then ignored me outside school (I can see where their kids get it from) anyway, it still continued a bit after that, and only stopped when one day the teacher had really had enough of it and she totally lost it with the girls in question, shouted at them and called them cows. perhaps, but it did the trick. She is a usually quiet softly spoken teacher and the girls were so shocked it came to an abrupt end.

dontwanttogetoutofbed · 16/05/2007 13:18

cant the teacher hand out assignments and pair the children off, putting x with someone that is not her friend and your dd with the girls who would be able to then be nice to her?
she can surely watch what happens at lunch and make new rules in which x can't use her bully tactics.

i would be really agressive with the school here as they are the only ones who can take active steps in real time to see that your dd is not being hurt. why should she go on feeling like this, its worth your yelling, fighting whatever it takes.

talking to the parents is a nice idea but - who said the parents can force x to be nice, and who said they are nice themselves...

ahundredtimes · 16/05/2007 13:20

Don't talk to the parents - go straight for the child. Have her round. Then have some of the other ones round too - and as Penguin says, go down the school route too.
Really isn't okay for them not to address this.

Original poster

TooTicky · 16/05/2007 13:26

I'm not sure I could face inviting x over - not sure I'm the kind of person that could make it successful. Have considered inviting all girls except x to a party or something but it would be quite an outlay and even if they came, I don't think this would stop them reverting to the same behaviour.
Changing schools or classes is not an option.
The teacher has tried pairing them up in different ways but nothing seems to change these rather ingrained behaviour patterns.

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