Could I please get some outside opinions on dd1's friendship problems in school?

[TooTicky]

Dd1 (10) is being excluded by the girls in her year. It is a small school and there is one girl who DOES NOT ALLOW the others to speak to my dd. Occasionally one of the others will say, "I would be your friend but x won't let me." When "x" was absent from school, all the girls were friendly to my dd and they had a lovely time.
We are in contact with the teachers over this but immediately after there has been intervention, x makes the situation worse.
There is no physical bullying but plenty of snide comments/blanking.
Any bright ideas?

You can make a difference TT, don't dismiss yourself as being useless in the face of these children. How about working out who might be a possible friend within that group and ask a few of them round a couple of times. Doesn't need to be a big deal, and afterall your dd only needs one person. We all only need one person! Have a few round, not a party, they eat popcorn and watch the telly. It'll be okay, I promise. . . .

DD 9 had this for a while and used to come home crying over it. She was the one that wasn't allowed to play with her friends because Queen Bee didn't want her

I mentioned it to the teacher at parents evening and I do think things were said and done, as the teacher doesn't like that behaviour at all.
However they are "best friends" now, but I do say to DD don't trust her.

This is familiar in my house. Both dds have had such ridiculous friendship battles and exclusions going on recently.

Are there out of school clubs your dd can go to where x is not there? To socialise and build confidence.

Does your dd have a friend or two over to the house?

Re the school. Could they give dd a role during break times (which I imagine are the worst) whether organising a playground game for another year group. Or ask for two volunteers and choose dd and one or two others.

SOunds like you need to talk to the school more about the effect this is having.

When a sensitive issue arose with dd1, the teachers were very good at dealing with it without mentioning the problem to anyone else.

My dd is going through the same thing too. Last years best friend has palled up with somebody else this year so dd is on her own. The drawbacks of being in a small school im afraid. Im waiting on a place for her at a slightly bigger school at the moment.
Hope things get sorted for your dd TT.

This is bullying. If you are in a position to home ed for a year I would do it. In my experience schools have no real committment to dealing with bullying. Are you in a position to ensure she doesn't end up in the same secondary school as this girl?

I took ds1 out of school because he was bullied so badly, but I knew he would not go to the same secondary school as the bully and his gang, so it was a workable solution for me.

We very nearly did home ed - it's still a possibility - but we seemed so close to cracking the problem at one point.
They will definitely go to different secondary schools - x will go to the same one as her sister and dd has her eye firmly on a different one.
Today was a little better actually - we'll see.

It is bullying, people are right.

From an earlier post I see that the teachers have intervened, as you say that your dd understandably has difficulty agreeing to play when a girl asks her to play because the teacher has told her to; I think you need to firmly tell your dd that if a girl asks her to play, even if only because she has been told to, your dd really ought to say yes. That's her power in this situation. She will never get anywhere if she hangs back and says no when she IS offered to play.

Of course it's not easy but I think your dd only needs one friend for this situation not to matter so much to her. If she never plays then she won't have the chance to make that friend.

Of course I can understand it's difficult for her. But by not playing with the girls when/if they offer, she is further playing into the hands of the bully and re-inforcing her position as the victim.

The teachers need to ensure that your dd says yes in this situation, she obviously needs more support than the teacher simply telling a child to offer to play; the teacher needs to just be a bit more involved I think.

The problem is, if she does play with them, she is then in the midst of a group who are constantly saying/implying, "We don't want you here, we only asked you to play because we were told to." And I think this is a very bad thing for self-esteem. The girls in her year hang around in a bunch and x is always there unless absent from school.

Blimey I would be having a meeting with the head if this was me, and presenting them with the facts as you've stated them here.

I think you have to take this further.

That's not an acceptable experience of school for your dd, as you already know. I think they HAVE to do more to help you.

Best of luck.