I don't understand the etiquette of playdates

[sallythesheep73]

Just that really...

We have 2 children. Each year they both have b'day parties - we invite 16-20 children to each and get invited to 4-5 parties in return.

And the same with playdates. We invite people over (with / without parents depending on their age) and yet we are hardly ever invited back.. We've done sleepovers with no sign of return sleepover..

The parents always say 'oh you must come to ours' and then we never hear anything more.

Luckily DS1 seems robust to it but I have to say it leaves me confused and hurt. When I was a child there didn't seem to be as much 'playdate action'.

And you could ask if we don't get invited how do we know its happening. Well the child DS considered their best friend has for the last 2 years (we have also been on holiday with them) invited another child on his birthday treat rather than DS and the mother has even told me (several times) when they have a sleep over with the other child!!?? Surely this is tactless or is she trying to tell me her child doesn't want to hang out with ours?? I have asked DP but he seems to think they are weird but that I am also over thinking it. DS is very social and we are assured by the school that they are happy and that the other child is their best friend.

I am a sociable adult but just don't seem to understand play dates. Can anyone throw some light? Is it because DH does most of the drop offs and pick ups and so we are a bit 'out of the loop'?

It's a minefield! However, next time a parent says 'oh you must come to ours', you could follow it up by asking for some convenient dates, or reply to them saying 'x, y or z would be good dates for us, how about you?'

Each year they both have b'day parties - we invite 16-20 children to each and get invited to 4-5 parties in return.

I'd say this is normal. Lots of people don't have bigger parties and just invite 4-6 kids. So your DC will only get invited to the parties of the ones they're closest to. I think 4-5 parties is fine!

My DC2 only had 3 friends for birthday this year, "leaving out" at least 5 or 6 kids whose birthdays they were either invited to or attended during the last year. That's the way it was this year, and no offence intended to the ones we couldn't invite, or any form of snub.

the same with playdates. We invite people over (with / without parents depending on their age) and yet we are hardly ever invited back.. We've done sleepovers with no sign of return sleepover..

All families are different. Certainly for one of my DC I have hosted more playdates than they have been invited to in return. For the other DC it is more evenly matched. But I try not to take it personally - whilst it would be nice if sleepovers are reciprocated, I can understand when people don't want to - I don't much enjoy them myself! And if you have loads of other DC, things going on, etc then even with the best intentions you can end up not reciprocating.

the child DS considered their best friend has for the last 2 years (we have also been on holiday with them) invited another child on his birthday treat rather than DS and the mother has even told me (several times) when they have a sleep over with the other child!!?? Surely this is tactless or is she trying to tell me her child doesn't want to hang out with ours??

Sounds more like to me that the mother is trying to engineer her DC's friendships, if school say her DS and your DS are 'best friends'. However, friendships change and you can't demand what someone else does with their money/time.

If you've been on holiday with them then you must have a better idea of what's going on there than anyone on the internet could possibly have.

I totally totally understand OP.

I've had this with both ds's. In the beginning. I learnt quickly!!

Invited people, not reciprocated. Had them round again, nothing. That's where it ended. For me. I stopped.

Very quickly both ds's had 3 or 4 friends where it was reciprocated completely equally. As soon as I had someone round, within a very short space of time a return was arranged. Works perfectly.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this experience. Some parents seem quite straightforward and invite your child round, some are mercurial and some just don't seem to reciprocate... I find telling you they are doing playdates / sleepovers with other kids very weird!?

But agree with Oblomov18 probably best to just find those that work in the same way rather than struggling on trying to understand other's behaviour..

Parents can’t always reciprocate, they might have jobs, younger children who are tricky, older children who need taxi service. Do you expect them to refuse an invitation from you because they might not be able to offer one back? Genuine question, not being goady.

Also, my dd has been invited on play dates, not had a good time and not wanted to invite the child back. Should I make her? I don’t think so.

I also can’t regularly have kids back as I have older dc's who need taking to clubs. I try to reciprocate in holidays but it’s not always possible...

As for sleepovers, I loathe them and will only invite someone if dc's beg, which thankfully is rare.

Lots of parents like having children for play dates as it keeps their dc occupied, they don’t expect a one for one return invitation.

What NoSquirrels said.

During term time (when my dc were younger - are grown now) I never had dc over to play. We both worked, we had 3 dc. dc had hobbies, we had places we wanted to be, you still have to fit in the household jobs, and your extended family things. There just wasn't time, nor, for us, a 'need'. If someone wanted my dc round to their's, and we could fit it in, then they could go. It was never part of a contract.
In the school holidays, we'd have more time, and, if the dc said 'Can I have someone round?' then, if it fitted in with the rest of what was going on, they could ring whoever they wanted and invite them. But they invited whoever they wanted to - there was no 'keeping score'.

Some people like hosting. Some people benefit from having their dcs' friends round (there's a thread running about 'how you entertain an only child). Some poeple are just really laid back. Some people like having a houseful. Others have less time ; less energy; a house that doesn't work for having people round; are living in a bit of a building site whilst work is being done; have one parent that works from home ; get very anxious at looking after other people's dc; all sorts of reasons.
If my dc are inviting a friend round though, they invite who they want to play with that week, they don't have to look up a list of who has invited them many times. That also works the other way - I remember one lad my ds was friendly with through secondary school who came to us and ate with us about once a week, for years and I think ds only ever went there about twice in the whole time they were friends. It was fine. He was no trouble and I was glad he felt comfortable in my home. None of my business why ds wasn't welcome / didn't feel comfortable there.
Don't over think it. If your child wants a friend to play, and you are able to facilitate that, why wouldn't you ?

Ds tended to have sleepover friends where they had sleepovers at each others houses, and different playing out friends.

Once you get into the roundabout of reciprocating sleepovers it gets difficult to find time to slot in another child and have free weekends too. Also ds was always very clear who the 2-3 friends he liked to stay with and those were the ones he invited to ours in return. He had more friends but either never enjoyed staying at theirs (overly strict parents) or he wasn't interested in going back to theirs so invited other friends instead.

You just need to invite them over, make it fun, and wait to see if you get a return invite.

There will be some with genuine reasons, but mostly they are people who just can't be arsed and are quite happy for you to take the slack. I have learnt to either not invite those children or just accept the situation but make sure the times and dates are on my term. I generally avoid sleepovers as my son turns into a demon when he's tired.

Some families can't reciprocate play dates because of reasons like they have a baby.

With regards to the birthday party, I bet that the 15-20 kids aren't all close friends and that the number of close people is more 4-5.
With regards to the best friend's party, are they doing something that your son doesn't enjoy? For example, my son was invited to a theme park and told the birthday boy that he should pick a friend that enjoys them to go in his place. Could the mums be friends? Perhaps the boys do a club out of school together and the trip fits their club interest.

You also get some parents using parties as methods of engineering friendships or continuing gripes. Just don't get drawn into it. Best to rise above it all.

Being "out of the loop" does make a difference. In time this becomes less of an issue as the children build real friendships.

Many families do smaller parties so can't always reciprocate those who have whole class or similar.

I often make promises to have children back but with a lot on my plate and large family it sometimes takes a while for me to fulfil... it is nothing personal. We tend to focus on the 2-3 closest friends just because life is busy. I always try to have others back but it can take a matter of months.

Life is busy these days and some families have a different approach - there is no formal etiquette in my experience- don't take it personally. Best to invite those whom you want to invite and not dwell too much.

Play dates are definitely a minefield!

Been through it once already with ds who is 15 and now with dd who is 7.

Friendships change all of the time, dd has had several friends here and been invited to theirs.
The problems start when the original "best friend" sees your dc taking another child home for a play date and gets in a mood.

Dd was invited for tea at a friend's house in reception. I have known the family for a long time. The mum rang and asked if dd could sleep over, she was desperate to etc etc.

We drove round with her stuff and dd was really excites.

4.50 am the phone rings...can we pick dd up, she wants to go home.
In the middle of the bloody night.

She stayed at another friend's house in simular circumstances in year one.
Originally only a play date, stayed over there very happily.

I think she's still too young for regular sleepovers and I won't want any here for a long while yet.

There is usually some imbalance when it comes to play dates though, we seem to have one of dd's friends a lot and she has only been there once.

What exactly have you been doing? I'd it possible that for some reason parent don't want to end up regularly play dating with you but don't want to be outright rude and turn down an invitation? After school play dates would do it for me. Anyone who invites a children for a play dare after school (unless it is a Friday and there is a long standing play dating relationship) is off their rocker imo.

I wouldn’t take it personally as families have different set ups. It also depends on the children. It sounds like you are organising all your kids social life which just gets less as they get older and then they decide who they want to have over.

I have quite a lot of kids over more than invites back. I enjoy it and I have space . Not everyone does.

Anyone who invites a children for a play dare after school is off their rocker imo

Why?

Anyone who invites a children for a play dare after school is off their rocker imo

See I think after school is the perfect amount of time and least disruptive to my life! Collect from school so no drop-off to bother with.

3.30pm: come in, organise snack etc
4-5pm: off playing
5.15 ish: eat tea
6pm: picked up by parent

Whereas a weekend playdate needs to be fitted in around activities and obligations, and a holiday playdate is generally longer and thus needs more of my attention.

Yes, I was wondering that..... why Dairy ?

Seems pretty logical, if you are in a position to be collecting your dc from school, to take another child home with you, let them play, give them tea, take them home (or let them be collected).

At least tha is normal practice as far as I'm concerned. Why would you be off your rocker for your dc to have a friend round for tea ??

I'm one of the parents that rarely reciprocates.

Plenty of people have invited my DS to theirs, and continue to do so. I know he's very polite and well behaved when at theirs and I'm very grateful they continue to invite him.

I find the after school thing very hard, I'm a single parent and autistic. My routine is everything and I really don't like other people children in my house during the school week. Now the kids are older I prefer to do special weekends/sleepovers during the holidays etc.

People may not reciprocate playdate invites for a whole variety of reasons, perhaps they are embarrassed about their home, or another reason, for eg I want 's above.

In terms of parties, reduced invites is normal as you get past reception class, as children have more of an established group of friends. I personally wouldn't bother with large parties anymore.

I find it’s normally the children who instigate them. So when we’ve had a child here once or twice I have asked my children if they are still playing with a child much and if they are I’ve said it’s ok to say ‘can we arrange for me to come and play at yours soon’ as that’s how the play date at ours arose in the first place. Cringy I know.

Mine are grown now. But l just did what suited me and them. But me usually. They had lots of friends over as we have outdoor space and they liked coming here for football etc. . I am relaxed having them around so it didn't take any energy. Lots didn't invite back but dc were happy and it didn't worry me. I was happier if they weren't sleeping at other peoples houses but they went if invited.
When they became teens the same lads came here. Actually they still do when ds comes home from college so l think its good to have an open friendly house if you are able . Don't worry about anyone else. Your ds sounds fine so thats brilliant. Keep doing what you are doing unless you think some one is taking advantage of you.
Also my dd needed space to be alone after school as l realise now she is an introvert so didn't want friends after school, only weekends.

I agree that with play dates (not parties) people might not reciprocate for all kinds of reasons such as work commitments.
However, if someone regularly accepts your invitations to come over for play dates or sleepovers, then to never ever invite to something back, seems a little off. It's totally understandable if you invite once or a couple of times, or perhaps a bit more, but by the time someone has been to yours 7 or 8 times and there's been no invite to absolutely anything, then I think it's getting a bit rude.
I know parents who work loads and are single parents. They are quite conscious of this kind of thing and not being CFers. When they are off, they will have a few kids round or take them to the park or something - I'm sure the fact they make a gesture like this is appreciated, even if it's very occasional. People understand that not everyone can host loads....but to always accept invitations but never ever invite back, and to not even say anything as explanation seems a bit rude and lacking social awareness.

Re parties, agree that especially if you host large parties, you're unlikely to get as many invitations back.

Also agree that if people make these vague comments of 'we will have X round' you can always push a little without being too pushy or rude - quite simply 'X would love that. Is there a good time for you?' or 'that would be great if next time X comes to you' ......if people still don't set a date or invite X, then I think you just have to accept it.

Also agree that some of this is down to varying popularity of child (still rude to always accept lots of invitations and never return though) or whether parents are friends, when young children are in question - it is easy for parents to be out of the social loop and kids then sometimes find they are too - so sometimes many of the parents and kids know each other before even starting school and might not make as much effort with others.

Op, you are clearly making the effort though and aren't out of the loop. Don't give up just yet....perhaps focus on just 2 or 3 friends a bit more and respond a bit more when people make vague offers of reciprocation. Would you feel happy to respond with 'X would love that - shall I text you a couple of dates that would work for us?' AFter texting dates, if you still don't hear anything, that would be a bit odd. Some people are just thoughtless or disorganised - they will say 'we keep meaning to have X over' and genuinely mean it but are cramp with organisation. I have friends whom I know that if I don't text and organise dates, we would never see - yes, annoying, but I am able to suggest dates for them to come to us or for us to come to them - it might be that these people would happily have X over but just need a bit of help.

I have one child who is invited back every single time, and another, hardly ever. I really don't think I'm getting the etiquette wrong just with DC2. Teachers have always told us he is popular in class but it just doesn't translate into many party invites or playdates.

I agree with Chocolatewombat that a one to one return is not obligatory, but it is a bit rude of people to accept multiple playdates without reciprocating or mentioning that they can't or won't. Party invites are different and don't need to be reciprocated with a return invitation. If anything, smaller, more "exclusive" party invitations tend to be more likely to be reciprocated because they send the message that the child is one of the other's best friends.

You can analyse the whys and wherefores of unreciprocated playdates but it's a waste of energy. We now invite children only because it makes my DC happy. If my child enjoys having the friend over, that's enough. It doesn't need to lead to anything more. If you can progress the conversation at the school gate with "ah DS would love that. Any day except Mondays" then it might help. But if you are still inviting with parents are your DC still quite young? Some people just don't do them much until DC are Y2 or so. It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong.

A few reasons why this could be happening:

Not many people have big birthday parties.

Some people work full time and do have the time can't bother or are too tired in the days off,

Other kids may have lots of activities,

Some people don't care about play dates,

Perhaps you are doing too many.

I do some, children get invited to some; but I don't expect them to be returned all the time; however I would be hurt if they never get invited and will cut down on them,

Hope your children find some real friends.