Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Competitive mothers....... any thoughts?

35 replies

ipanemagirl · 04/05/2007 10:01

One of my best friends has a dd in my ds's class (yr 1) and they are good friends and we often share childcare and have known each other a long time.

But is she really really competitive or just really proud of what her daughter achieves? I just wish she'd stop showing off about everything whether it's play dates or parties or sleepovers or awards at school.... 'Yes your daughter is clearly the most popular most accomplished most clever and fabulous child that was ever born - will that do?'

I'm so fed up with it. Despite all this I really really like and value her! Anyone else have this dilemma?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Porpoise · 04/05/2007 10:06

She's probably DEEPLY insecure and anxious about her dd and her abilities as a parent.
It's annoying but don't let it get to you

NoodleStroodle · 04/05/2007 10:08

PLay reverse "top trumps" which should put her off her stride. So when she says "Lovely daughter has progressed onto stage 2 of the reading scheme2 you just say lovely - we're still enjoying level 1.

mumto3girls · 04/05/2007 10:08

Tell her she must be really proud and suggest its time for a different topic of conversation...

hana · 04/05/2007 10:13

I dunno actually
I have no one to brag to about my 5 year old - if I do it to friends I feel like I am doing just that - bragging, when in fact, I'm sooo proud of her. I think it's a fine line. I tend to almost downplay her accomplishments, which isn't the right thing either.
example - she's doing really well in her reading, and is working on year 1/2 words - when she got her new lists she came out out school waving it at me and told me she wanted to go show her friend.......I told her not to and she became really stroppy. She was happy and pround and wanted to share that with her little friend, I was worried what the mother would thing and didn't want to be seen as bragging.
is hard

QuitYourJibberJabber · 04/05/2007 10:15

ipanemagirl - I stopped seeing a mate for this very reason, even when we went on a night out she'd go ON and ON and ON about her DD

My DD was actually on higher reading levels than her, but I never said, I just couldn't be arsed. She was devastated when my DD got higher marks than hers in the SATs and I just though o fuck off

if she won't stop, I'd move on, seriously.

ConnieDescending · 04/05/2007 10:17

Is she really showing off or just making conversation about her children? I often think these competitive mothers are a figment of another persons invention.

You say you like and value her...she'd probably be mortified if she knew you thought this.

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 04/05/2007 10:18

porpoise, thanks, I'm sure you're right on some level.... she wouldn't be quite so demented about the showing off if there weren 't some anxiety there would she?
Noodle - that's exactly what I do to deflect her with varying success!
mumto3... I do try to steer away but I think it says more about me that I find the whole thing so deflating. My ds is not as popular, not nearly as good literacy, not invited to quite as many people's houses, not festooned with awards... sigh so it is dispiriting. Usually I brush it off but I think the cumulative effect of the last few months has been too much.
I wish I could just say "YOU WIN! Your child is the greatest wins best child in the world! Now can we just be human beings?"
{grin]
my sister is the same about her kids .... yawn and I'm sure I can be bad too.

OP posts:

QuitYourJibberJabber · 04/05/2007 10:18

bollocks CD

my ex-mate was a real PITA

she would quiz my DD on what books she was reading and try to look through her homework record. Even as babies, if my DD did something apparently hers did it 10 times better!

expatinscotland · 04/05/2007 10:20

Cut them a wide berth.

Times like this I am grateful for my Texas accent.

It gives 'Well now, isn't that special?' such a nice ring.

NoodleStroodle · 04/05/2007 10:20

LOL expatinscot!

Porpoise · 04/05/2007 10:22

I know, I know. But actually you have to feel SORRY for her really.
And for her dd: obviously, her mum is far too dependent on outward signs of 'success' as vindication of her daughter's worth.
You, on the other hand, have a ds who knows he is loved and cherished and valued, however many or few awards he gets/parties he goes to.
I know which house I'd rather grow up in.

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 04/05/2007 10:22

CD often I think you're right - we're just catching up with one another but also it's the trumping that I dislike. She's particularly competitive about friendships/parties etc at the moment. "has he been invited etc because DD has"
But I shouldn't let it get to me!
I just feel better having had my little rant!

OP posts:

ConnieDescending · 04/05/2007 10:22

quit, if you change your own perception of something it often solves the problem

QuitYourJibberJabber · 04/05/2007 10:23

oh I tried Cd, believe me I tried

WanderingTrolley · 04/05/2007 10:24

I think competitive parents fall into two categories, for the most part.

"I adore my child, I'm so pleased with what they've achieved, looklooklook, isn't this great?" (no concept that anyone could think otherwise, in extreme cases feeling a little sad for you and your slightly defective child, all well meant though, no malice)

and

"Please like me." (the insecure sorts, likely to accuse you of bribing the teacher if your kid does better in SATS etc, a bit mad)

Smile, nod, change the subject.

I don't have children but I have one friend with a long-yearned-for baby, who falls into the first category. She is lovely, but sometimes a little wearing.

ConnieDescending · 04/05/2007 10:25

ipane, I know what you're saying but unless you really really believe she is a passive-aggressive type of person (and you say you like her so don't think you do) then she is probably just making conversation, not trying to out do you.

SSSandy2 · 04/05/2007 10:25

A) Drop them like a hot iron.

B) You say: "Oh yes, I KNOW just what you mean. School is SO unchallenging, isn't it? That's why dd has a tutor for ancient Greek, Japanese and physics. I mean they're just BORED otherwise, aren't they?"

best is probably B) followed by A)

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 04/05/2007 10:26

thanks porpoise and all!
lol expat!
Hana - that is a good point, I do always praise her dd when her dd does well (as I do ds) I do think she should be able to be proud of course. I think it's the showing off element I find wears me down. Particularly about friendships, I'm probably far too sensitive about that so I notice her going on and on about it!

OP posts:

WanderingTrolley · 04/05/2007 10:27

lol Sandy

What about

C) You dc gets their brains/talent/vivacious personality from their dad, obv.

Porpoise · 04/05/2007 10:31

And another thing, ipanemagirl: IME, boys take a lot longer to get into the close friendship thing. They seem to be infinitely more sociable - and place more importance on playdates - than the boys for quite a long time. I wouldn't be in the least bit worried than your ds seems less popular than her dd - as long as he's happy, who cares?

Original poster

ipanemagirl · 04/05/2007 10:33

Porpoise, I agree, and already feel better about it again! I think she gets to me when I'M feeling insecure to be honest.
But am purged now!

OP posts:

Porpoise · 04/05/2007 10:34

Hurrah! Nothing like a good purge...

MummyPenguin · 04/05/2007 13:16

Quit - Your ex best mate sounds like a major pain in the arse! fancy looking through your child's reading record! Okay, I'll admit, I have had a sneaky peek in a child's bookbag when we've had someone back for tea, but only because I'm interested in how the other child compares to mine. Not in a competitive mother sort of way, I think there's a curiosity and a desire to know that your own is doing okay which is perfectly natural. However, from the way you describe your ex mate, she sounds really obsessed. I'd never quiz a child about their reading, work etc. Sounds like you're well rid. I think we've all at one time or another been on those Mums nights out when all the others do is talk about school and their kids. No wonder I get so pissed on these occasions!!

Boco · 04/05/2007 13:41

Quit you have the best name!

Why didn't you just shout at your friend 'quit yo jibber jabber!', or maybe 'shuddup fool!'

My dd has had a rough time starting reception. she's very shy, and quite a worrier, so when she got a certificate in assembly recently i made a point of telling everyone we met how proud i was and how well she's doing in front of her.

Now i realise all those people are about to drop me like a hot prick!

QuitYourJibberJabber · 04/05/2007 13:42

Thats different though Boco

at name

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread