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Original poster

How cross should I be over DS lifting up a girls skirt.?

41 replies

LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 16:52

Ds1 who is in year 3 went happily into school today after point blank refusing for the last 5 school days. If we tried to force him he kicked and scremed and yesterday, when we did get him in he just ran out again.
His teacher called me in after school today because he had kicked some boys on the play ground, and lifted up a girls skirt.

DS says he kicked the boys because they were all playing football, and he kicked the ball when he thought it was a free kick, but it wasn't. 3 boys started pushing him. So DS pushed them back, and it turned in to a huge fight, with DS apparently managing to kick two boys enough to make them cry. I'm rather shocked, as he doesn't normally go 'too far' in situations like this, as we've taught him to walk away.

DS says he was having fun with a couple of other boys who dared him to lift the girls skirt. I've made DS write the girl a letter of apology, but all he would write is

To XXXX

Sos

XXXXX

He is quite bright, and could write a much better letter, but obviously isn't sorry.

How concerned should I be about this type of behaviour? The teacher who saw DS kicking wants to talk to him tommorow. I know he's really scared of her, and am worried this could put him off school for life.

Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
frances5 · 01/05/2007 17:06

I think having the teacher speak to him about his behaviour is a good idea. I am sure it will not put him off school for life. He is lucky having a teacher who is prepared to take him to one side and explain to him why he his behaviour is unacceptable.

Sometimes children have to take the punishment given to them by the school. The best thing the parents can do is support the school. Since he is in year 3 its unlikely he will be punished severely.

Saturn74 · 01/05/2007 17:10

Hmm... I'm not sure I would go with making him write a letter of apology.
If school have dealt with it, and he clearly realises it was unacceptable, then I would leave it at that.
Does he have friends at school?
Do you think he was trying a bit to hard to be liked - hence going through with the dare about the skirt.
Why is so unhappy to go into school?

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 17:17

We really don't know why he's so unhappy to go to school. He doesn't have any real friends that he would like to invite home, but seems to play alright on the playground most of the time.
I made him write the letter, as I'm really cross with the school for not finding out what happened when he got into the fight, and I wanted to complain to the school about it.I suppose, I wanted to show them I did find his behaviour unacceptable, but I'm really cross with the school that this fight happened after he has refused to go in for 5 days.

OP posts:
Mumpbump · 01/05/2007 17:22

I wouldn't get him to write a letter. It's turning it into a bigger issue. Plus I think it's best left to the school to sort out unless the girls' parents complain to you in which case I would get your ds to apologise verbally to them and her.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 17:39

So how how should I handle the school over the fight . Should I defend my DS or just leave it?

OP posts:
Berries · 01/05/2007 17:45

Actually, having 2 dds I think the lifting the skirt IS a big thing. Both of my dds would have felt very humiliated if someone had done that to them in the playground. I would be very concerned if this had happened to them, and would have wanted to know what steps the school was taking to prevent it happening again. It's possible that your ds doesn't see it as a big deal because girls do mature a bit faster (being body conscious etc) than boys. Would he have been upset if someone had pulled his trousers down and shown his pants in the playground? If the answer is no you may have a problem getting him to realise how wrong it was, you may have to accept an 'I wont do it again'. Also watch out that he is not being bullied himself. When my dd was being bullied a particular comment that stood out was 'If I make them laugh they like me'

Blu · 01/05/2007 17:46

I'm not quite sure on what grounds you can defend your son or be angry with the school over the fight? The teacher saw what happened, it was hardly thier fault there was a fight, is it?

I would hope that the teacher who is going to talk with him knows that there has been an issue with him refusing to attend school, and will proceed carefully and ask him some questions, but it doesn't seem unreasinable that he be talked to if he kicked two boys like that, does it?

Ate there any other special considerations? Upsets in his life or SEN issues?

frances5 · 01/05/2007 17:57

Prehaps the teacher wants to talk to him to see what the underlying reasons are for the behaviour as well as giving a telling off.

Your son is probably not the first boy to pull up a girl's skirt and I doult he would be the last. I am sure the school has experience of dealing with naughty boys who behave in such away.

How do you think the school should handle the situation.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 18:00

We suspect he may have aspergers, although mild, and is being assesed at school. He should be in the maths class of the teacher who is going to talk to him, but he's so scared of her, the school have agreed to keep him down a class ( He has a tutor come to the house once a week in an attempt to keep up with the work he should be doing)

I think he genuinely didn't realise he shhouldn't have pulled up the girls skirt, but he does understand now I've explained it. - He would be quite happy to have his trouseres pulled down if it made the other children laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 18:00

We suspect he may have aspergers, although mild, and is being assesed at school. He should be in the maths class of the teacher who is going to talk to him, but he's so scared of her, the school have agreed to keep him down a class ( He has a tutor come to the house once a week in an attempt to keep up with the work he should be doing)

I think he genuinely didn't realise he shhouldn't have pulled up the girls skirt, but he does understand now I've explained it. - He would be quite happy to have his trouseres pulled down if it made the other children laugh.

OP posts:
donnie · 01/05/2007 18:00

I agree that the lifting of the skirt would be very humiliating. I would press for a proper letter of apology to the girl concerned.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 18:02

I think the school should have just told him off there and then and it be done with. I don't think I should have been called in, and have it discussed infromnt of DS. The teacher had left a message on my answer phone, adking me to come in, so she could have just left a message saying what had happened.

OP posts:
donnie · 01/05/2007 18:04

you'd be happy to have a message detailing your son's misdemeanours on an answering machine? anyone could be around and hear it. can you not see that they are taking this seriously and trying to help him and involve you in the process?

Blu · 01/05/2007 18:08

I think schools take things like kicking seriously, and of the many many posts I have seen on MN from parents of kicked childre, it's what is expected from their pov, too.

But the possible dx of Asperger's is v concerning, and they should be proceeding with caution until that is sorted out, I would have thought. But 'talking to him' may not mean telling him off full-force 10.

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 18:42

Why don't schools inform the parents of the child who has been hurt. My DS has come home with marks from being kicked and on one occation had a very bruised arm where he had been bitten. Will the school tell the mother of the girl whos skirt he lifted up? I suppose I'll just have to bring it up with her myself, as I know her.
The misdemeaners were detailed in the message left on the answer phone, as well as the reason the teacher thinks he misbehaved today. It was my home answer phone, so only DH or I could have heard the message.

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 19:45

DS has just asked why he shouldn't pull girls skirts up, if they show their knickers when they do hand stands?

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Berries · 01/05/2007 21:43

It's kind of like the difference between wearing your bikini on the beach, when everyone else is wearing theirs, and your trousers falling down on the school run

I really do think that in y3 boys don't 'see' some of the things that girls would think are an issue, so in that respect it needs to be pointed out but not overly 'punished' iyswim.

In view of the possible Asp diagnosis, I would hope the school would be able to come up with some strategies for this, to stop things getting to the stage where he feels the need to kick out. Hope they are helpful when you see them

donnie · 01/05/2007 22:13

and what did you tell him lynettescavo?

Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 22:23

DH and I have just been out to dinner and talked this over. DS has always been so mild that a little bit of us can't help being relived that he can stick up for him self, and also get into mischief with other boys. We would have been much more worried if he'd been sitting in the play ground by himself. I'm not sure how I would feel if someone lifted up DD's skirt when she's 7, which is why I started this thread. Personally it wouldn't have bothered me at that age - I was obviously the flash the knickers type
I have explained to DS his behaviour was inappropriate today- but that's part of the reason I send him to school; so he can learn what is and isn't acceptable in group and social settings.- Thanks to everyone who's responded!

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 22:28

Sorry Donnie, drosse posts. I told him that if their skirts came up when the situation was in their control, that was fine, and he wasn't to point or laugh, but he should never force girls to do something they didn't want to. He looked confused, I muttered someting about females being complicated, and rushed out as we had a dinner reservation- lame I know!

OP posts:
Original poster
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2007 23:33

Teh funny thing is, I'd rather may trousers fell dwon on the school run when I was surrounded by cellulite mums, than wear a bikini on a beach full of teenagers!

OP posts:
PussinWellies · 02/05/2007 09:50

LS ---
Could be worse.

When mine was 5 he did it to a teacher.

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:22

When I was at primary school, I remember boys lifting girls' skirts up because they thought it was funny. I personally just don't think it's that big an issue amongst children this age. If they were teenagers, I think that's a different question.

KathG · 02/05/2007 10:58

would definitely upset my dd (nearly 6) if it happened to her.

ThomCat · 02/05/2007 11:02

When I was at primary school 2 bouys in the year above me used to chase me round the playground all the time trying to pull my skirt up and trying to kiss me. I remember becoming distressed about it. The school did nothing. I spent hours running away and being frightened and uncomfortable and unhappy about it.

My mum was so sick of it and of nothing being done she met me at the school gates and told me to point the boys out. She marched over to the main boiy and the one I had pointed at and in full view of everyone pulled his trousers down.

I'll never, ever forgot it. He was horrified and I can see it now as clear as anything. he was wearing little union jack pants!

He never. ever chased me again after that.

Go mummy Thomcat, go. I still love her for doing that!

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