4 yr old doesn’t want to do “big school” assessment

[TryToRelax]

DC was 4 in October. He is an introvert: doesn’t like change and takes a long time to warm up to new people or relax in new places. Particularly nervous when being dropped off.

He is due to sit 4+ assessments in the next few weeks. How can I help him prepare emotionally?

When we have spoken about “big school” he is very resistant and says he wants to stay at his preschool forever (he is really attached to his teacher). We started doing drop off drama/gym classes last term, and after a couple of weeks he started enjoying them, but he is still nervous about going in every time.

I am relaxed about whether or not he gets in the schools - we have a good back up - but he is bright and curious and I think he would enjoy an academic school.

Any tips on how to help him get comfortable with doing an assessment?

Is this for an independent school? 'Assessment' for my son, whose now in reception, essentially just involved him socialising in the classroom and doing some drawing. It wasn't a big deal at all. Perhaps sell it to him as more of a play time opportunity?

*Who's - sorry!

I’d stop calling it big school as you are making it sound scary.

I wouldn’t have told him about the assessment at all. I’d have just gone to it. Presumably it will be quite informal. He probably won’t associate this experience with actually starting school.

Good point about not calling it “big school”!

I haven’t told him that he is doing assessments, I have said that we are going to do play dates to find a nice school for when his preschool finishes (perhaps it was a mistake to highlight to him that preschool will end).

They are independent schools and they expect him to be dropped off and to go into a classroom alone with a teacher and other boys - which will be tough for him.

Does he have any friends at pre-school who will be doing the assessments at the same time? If so would it be possible to arrange to travel/meet up beforehand with the friend's family so the boys could go in together?

The only kids I know who have ever failed this kind of 'assessment' have either been very badly behaved or SEN.

Tell him he's going to play. Which school is it? If it's one of the NW London ones, shy kids do very badly I'm afraid and hell probably be better at 7+ which is more objective.

At DS1’s day assessment for independent prep school, he had a huge meltdown and had to be peeled off me kicking and screaming.

He was offered a place the next day.
Don’t worry too much, they’ve seen it all before and would you really want your son to go to a school that didn’t understand that some four year olds might struggle with new people and places?
DS1 ended up going to our local state primary and doing brilliantly.
Try not to overthink it. While it’s good to prepare them for new stages, it’s so easy to project our own fears.

It is Arnold House and The Hall hiya, and interesting to hear that you think in general shy kids don’t do well. I was wondering how introverts could possibly cope as well as more outgoing kids in these assessments. It makes sense that it is more of a level playing field when the assessment is more academic.

Chch I think they have 6 or 7 applicants per place so lots of the kids “fail” (ie don’t get offered a place).

Sleight thank you so much for that. I really appreciate your post.

Our alternative is a brilliant local primary which has a lot to offer, but is definitely not as “academic”. Can I ask why you chose your primary over the prep?

Trytorelax - focus on the bigger picture which is that he WILL go to primary/ prep in Sep rather than the assessment. Ask his current setting for tips on how to prepare him as I'm sure they have been through this before.
Re: assessment- take him to different places and interact with different people to show him that all change/ new situations are not scarey.
Some ideas:

• an independent local shop to buy something you wouldn't normally buy.
• visit a neighbour ( someone you expect to be friendly ?!?) do them a good deed.
• go for an activity at library/ children's centre etc that you would not normally go to. This is best practice for 'assessment' familiarisation

Good luck

Hi trytorelax. From my memory they will usually look at social skills, ask him to draw a picture of his family and see that he can write his name. Obviously they may not be perfect so don't panic but they will be looking that he can follow instructions. GL

If those schools cannot support your child better emotionally then don't send your child there! This is your choice. State schools wouldn't expect such a harsh drop off straight away.

If he's very shy then I would question whether The Hall is the place for him. It's a tough school, not for the faint hearted. I know more than one person who has taken their child out with concerns about their mental health after a few years.

From what I've seen of my friend's son's class, it is the extroverts who get chosen and that does not make for an easy social mix afterwards.

Tryto this is what the schools say but in reality I know very very small numbers of people who have not got an offer or place on the waiting list. And all those were either consistently badly behaved children or had SEN. Remember, people will apply to more than one school, and schools are keen to sound 'exclusive' for marketing reasons. At the end of the day, these schools are businesses - if there is significant extra demand, the market will expand to meet it. A lot of this 'assessment' of 4/5 year olds is a combination of smoke and mirrors for marketing, plus selectively weeding out for any behaviour issues that might make children a challenge to teach, whatever the root cause. They are 4 and 5 for goodness sake - what are they going to assess beyond this, realistically?

Where do you live ChCh? I don't think you can be talking about the London market.

London, Low. Very competitive area indeed with schools saying they are hugely selective. Yet everyone from our local nursery who applied got in, bar one child (not ours). Knowing people who work in these schools I can assure you that they are really not as selective as people who go to them like to think (except in the sense of selecting kids without behaviour difficulties or special needs).

Chch you're not in NW London looking at these schools

OK hi, sure I'm not if that's what you'd like to think. Did your child not get in?

If there are a lot of schools close together there could well be 6 or 7 applicants per place but they are the same people applying for multiple schools. Hence most ppl get in eventually off the waiting list, as ppl select their preferred school?

London is different, because although you have tonaim off for multiple applications (that's why forms often ask which other schools you have applied for - it doesn't affect your chances of an offer, but does help the registrars establish how many actual children lie behind the number of applications).

Yes, even allowing for that,there are more applicants than places available. It's usually managed by 'first come first served' or by assessment (distance and lottery, the two main over-subscription tools of state schools are rarely used, unless to exclude very distant applicants for day schools).

What each school is looking for in an assessment varies. They are, essentially, looking for who they want in the classroom and (do not forget this aspect) parents who are not obviously PITA. Whether they are seeking a balanced age range through the year, a mix of lively and calmer DC (most want both, classrooms can be harder when it's all one type) pre-formed specific skills or interest/engagement in activities provided, ability to follow an instruction, sit nicely etc etc etc; all that depends on the school.

I think advice on taking him for a play in different places, and if he can be left playing (start by just standing back, progress to standing as far away as supervision norms for the session permit) is as good preparation as any. Plus lots of museums with hands on activities.

Chch the likes of habs, Nlcs, the hall, shhs, Channing etc offer to anything between 1/4 and 1/10 of applicant a depending on whether they're likely to be first choice. My kids are happy in our choices of school but I know plenty who didn't get in.

Thank you all. Some great tips Ma - I will try those out!

I agree with MrsJ and others who point out that if they can’t help him to feel comfortable then perhaps they aren’t the right schools. It just seems weighted against kids who find unfamiliarity more challenging, but confidence in new social situations isn’t actually a good proxy for intellectual ability.

I suppose it might be a better proxy for mental robustness - to your point hiya about needing to be resilient to survive these schools. I am really interested about your friends’ experiences - sounds terrible.

I was very pleasently surprised going round all the NW schools by the pastoral care and the attitudes of the teachers. I had been expecting hot houses but they didn’t actually come across that way (to me).

We told our DC that their teacher wanted them to meet a friend of theirs to chat an play.
Seemed to do the job!

The Hall is far more systematic in its scoring than Arnold House. Each activity will be given a score and the boys with highest score will be offer d a place.

Arnold house also look at whether you will fit into their community.