4 yr old doesn’t want to do “big school” assessment

[TryToRelax]

DC was 4 in October. He is an introvert: doesn’t like change and takes a long time to warm up to new people or relax in new places. Particularly nervous when being dropped off.

He is due to sit 4+ assessments in the next few weeks. How can I help him prepare emotionally?

When we have spoken about “big school” he is very resistant and says he wants to stay at his preschool forever (he is really attached to his teacher). We started doing drop off drama/gym classes last term, and after a couple of weeks he started enjoying them, but he is still nervous about going in every time.

I am relaxed about whether or not he gets in the schools - we have a good back up - but he is bright and curious and I think he would enjoy an academic school.

Any tips on how to help him get comfortable with doing an assessment?

Because the 4+ is much gentler than the 7+ and so if you can get in then you don’t have the stress of the 7+.

And if you manage to get into an all through school at 4+ you don’t have to do the 7+ and increasingly schools are abolishing the 11+ for their prep kids.

No it's the other way round. The 13+ is falling out of favour with more preps embracing the 11+

Why is that hiya?

I agree, assessments at age 4 seem tough. At my DCs' school, newcomer children were assessed from the age of 7 with 1 to 1 testing on maths, English, non-verbal reasoning and general social skills.--

Anyone younger joining the school was just allowed in and asked to leave if they didn't meet expected standards.

No. I have never felt guilty.

My children are not in the least bit stressed. My DH and I were stressed before the assessment. But we downplayed it to the DC - so they had no idea they were being assessed for a school.

They love their school and all the oppprtunitues - not just academic - that are offered.

Downplayed it here

Didn't mention it until the day and then "we're going to see another school like [insert name of current preschool] for the future, you get to play there with other children to see whether it is fun"

On a side note OP, I'm reading the book The Highly Sensitive Child at the moment, as my youngest is v similar to how you describe your Ds. Might be worth looking up as it's got some good strategies in it for managing the quirks of a highly sensitive child who is prone to worrying about change.

Yeah there is no way I'd put my highly sensitive child into such an academic competitive environment, mental health and a rounded education is much more important.

Gen to be clear: he is upset about the idea of leaving his preschool, because he loves it there.

He is not upset by the idea of an assessment - he doesn’t know anything about that.

What bothers him is any new school whether it is selective or not, private or state.

As I mentioned our alternative option is a lovely state, that I think might be brilliant, just offers a very different experience - better in someways, not so good in others.

For what it is worth I went to both a academic and very structured school as well as a much more relaxed comprehensive school. The former suited me much better, but I am nonetheless open minded about what will suit my son.

MrsJamin - thank you for the book recommendation, I will have a look.

they are really not as selective as people who go to them like to think (except in the sense of selecting kids without behaviour difficulties or special needs).

This is selective at 4!

I understand where you are coming from genever, and I guess we are both influenced by our own personal experiences of what worked for us.

I agree with you and pp who say mental health and happiness is the most important thing. I don’t think that rules out a selective school (again my own experience was of being lonely and picked on at the less academic school). However I understand why some people disagree with me, and I conpletely respect your choices for your children.

A long time ago but DS refused to say anything. After lobbying from the nursery, the school agreed to reassess him. The nursery advised that his dad took him. Boys, apparently are less likely to be clingy with their dads and to instead aim to show that they are independent.

I don't know if that is correct, but it worked. As did the promise of a McDonalds when it was finished!

Hi OP

Even if your son is not enthusiastic about leaving you at the assessment, the schools will be experienced in handling this. I do see your problem (in that your son is not pleased at the idea of leaving nursery) - but realistically, he can’t stay there forever, even if you wanted him to.

From memory, both The Hall and Arnold House have entry at 5+ (I think when we looking down at these schools, AH only had 5+ entry but this may have changed). Would it be possible for your son to stay in nursery for Reception and then go to school?

The point you made about each school having 6 applicants per place is important. Please do try not to be too sad if your son doesn’t get a spot - the assessment process is so random at 4+ and there will be a lot of smart, articulate boys.

Back when I had to do it with my shy and introverted DD - I called them ‘playdates’.
And after each one I took her to her favourite toy shop. She used to like to play with the toys at the shops.

So - i’d tell her a few days in advance that on day X we’ll go to a playground and then to Hamleys. And have some sweets there.

She was so excited about the trip AFTER the playgroup that it made it easier.
And schools are used to small kids being shy and do a good job with settling them.

Good luck

Sorry, we chose the local primary as DS really liked it when we visited and begged to be allowed to go there instead.
He’s now doing his A-levels and hoping to go to medical school so it worked out well academically.
His siblings are all now at the same school and doing equally well.
It’s a solidly good school and, although there are two outstanding schools near us (one is our nearest), I think they get the balance between the academic and social development just right.