Do same-sex prep schools deal better with 'boys being boys' than state?

[1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids]

So my just 6 year old has been having some issues at his (very academic) state primary. He's very bright and creative and loving but he fidgets, is impulsive (sometimes violently), doesn't always focus, has trouble with being distracted. I'm inclined to believe it's mostly normal small, high-energy boy but am teetering on the edge of 'is this something more...diagnosable'. The school is treating him like he's a massive issue and I get it, I do. If he's disruptive or hurting other children then that is an issue and we are doing our best to work with them, but I am beginning to wonder if he's just a square peg etc...

Anyway, DH and I considering our options (me being a parent help for additional supervision, taking him out of school to home ed (oh help!) etc) and something I am wondering about is whether an all boy's prep would be better able to 'manage' his behaviour because they're not only dealing with smaller classes, but are used to and set up for teaching small, energetic boys.

Basically I want to know if I'm assuming correctly - would a normal, bright (but highly energetic, impulsive and slightly distracted) boy be better off in a prep school or would he be squished even more tightly into a wrong-shaped box?

I would have posted this in AIBU but I am feeling little fragile about this so be gentle. He's my wee boy and he cried himself to sleep because they've taken his part in the Christmas play away from him :-(

op, I would really push the school for a referral for a diagnosis, or as another poster suggested, pay privately if you suspect he needs it.
No school is going to meet your son's needs fully without a diagnosis, I am sure you know that. You might get a better fit moving schools which might help with some of his behaviours, but if he does have adhd he is going to need a plan in place so that he can really thrive.
Good luck.

You may find that a private is actually worse than a state. Contractually, you're more vulnerable to suspension and expulsion when DS does something impulsive. The old school boys will be boys and if he's a good egg he'll pull his socks up and show what's he made of mentality backfires very badly in the case of children (both genders) who really do have special needs.

I'd be looking at moving schools, but to a less rigid academic one. But I'd also be asking school what they think the issue is. They see kids every day year in year out.

My dc went from local primary to a prep school(boarding).
The school day and week were longer. Every afternoon had 2 hours of sport. There was Saturday school but it was less academic lessons on a Saturday morning such as DR, Art and sometimes Forest School type activities. Wednesday and Saturday afternoons were sports matches in which every child was involved in - there were teams for all abilities.
If it's nervous energy and more activity inbetween academic lessons and a wider variety of subjects that may help your son then it may be worth considering.
I loved the fact my dc had so much outdoor time and could let of steam. They talk of their prep school days fondly now they are older.

Codlet, don't feel sorry. OP's very offensive reply to you suggests opposite of what she/he says. I was really appalled reading it.

First ask the school what went on for him to have his part in the play removed.

Are you already having regular meetings with the school? What are they suggesting if so?

I'll probably put my foot in it here, but here goes......from my somewhat limited observations; many infant teachers in particular have unrealistic expectations of little boys. Those who don't have children or have only girls seem to regard boisterous little boys as being naughty, whereas the little girls are usually more eager to please, and are in general more mature than boys of the same age. Some of the complaints made about little boys seem to be focused on what appears to be fairly normal behaviour.

I'm a bit annoyed that well behaved children are being described here as "drones" or "worker bees". Children who are constantly fidgeting and hitting others are disrupting the education of the other children. This behaviour needs to be dealt with and it doesn't help to regard the well behaved children as lacking in personality or something.

My lg can be similar. Generally the strictness of year 1 is helping. However the have definitely been occasions recently where punishment has been ott.
I also feel there needs to be more playground supervision. More about the number of times/kids that hurt themselves. And i definitely think there needs to be more supervision in this situation where rough play and one or more kids dont know where to stop.

Regarding the dc could he actually be getting tired when in the playground, combination of full stomach from lunch and running. Can lead to more impulsivity, adrenaline etc.
Also kids with ear problems can be more impulsive. (Not sure if that applies.) Likewise things like asthma (which would be worse this time of year).

What punishment does he get at home for playing too rough with siblings?

Though i do think stopping a child playing outside, if they enjoy it, and that is when the issue is, could work well as a deterent. Better than say being sent to the head.

I think a lot of parents paying for a prep education will not be happy with rough play or unacceptable behaviour either. I think he would have a short space of time to improve in some prep schools because they are very results focussed and believe me, parents won’t be happy at bad behaviour in the classroom or outside either.

I think that, as he cannot be trusted with his siblings, you do have a lot of work to do and it’s not just about being a boy. He is hurting other children, including your own, and is not responding to tactics to bring about improvement. Whether lots of sport at a prep will bring about improvement is debatable but as he is only 6, there won’t be hours of it. The daily diet won’t be much different from the state school.

All state and independent schools are focussed on progress and at prep schools, on results. Therefore the tolerant school is not really there. They have to keep children safe so cannot afford rough play in school. Wherever he goes there will be consequences to this behaviour.

I would try and see the school, talk about their behaviour policy, what rewards and sanctions he should expect and what you can do to help. You will have to work with whatever school he goes to and you won’t find less academic children who are happy with rough play either so this notion that his “academic” school is the problem is somewhat odd. It may be that their Sen provision is under developed though, as indeed it could be at a prep school.

His behavior is unacceptable in a school environment, and because he has violently hurt multiple children, of course his school sees his behavior as an issue. Any decent school would - a pretty basic goal is keeping students safe.

I suggest starting him in martial arts. It’s a good option for learning self control. Another option would be a swim team, which would tire him out and the movements can be therapeutic to children with mild special needs.

There are elimination diets to see if it’s a food sensitivity.

If those kinds of things don’t work, an evaluation and then considering meds.

You and your DH need to raise your expectations of him. He is only going to get bigger. He has to learn to not hit people and that “no means no”. You seem to think his behavior is normal, but it isn’t.

I think homeschooling would be a bad idea because it would allow you to pretend that this is normal, which means your other children will be stuck being bullied by him.

I would be very worried if any school took the "boys will be boys" attitude. You may find consequences in an independent school much harsher than those imposed so far.

No, I would definitely not recommend martial arts. Those who can't restrain/control themselves can seriously hurt others.

In my experience, private boys' schools have a lot more sport, quick paced lessons with lots of different activities, and much stricter, clearer rules. There is a downside to the attitude that goes with this kind of approach, but it might suit your son.

I think rather than looking for schools where his behaviour is dealt with the OP needs to look at why he behaves as he does.

The girl who bullied my daughter at school started martial arts. She'd then practise her moves on my daughter in the playground, or threaten her that she would. Please don't put a child known to have a violent nature into martial arts lessons that give him the skills to cause even greater harm.

What is he like at home?

op, I would really push the school for a referral for a diagnosis, or as another poster suggested, pay privately if you suspect he needs it.

Schools don’t refer for a diagnosis, though they can refer for an assessment. Even if you pay privately to get a diagnosis (of what, exactly?) you still have to manage the behaviour. It’s not a magic wand.

My 6 year old is similar but probably worse that what you describe and has had terrible difficulties at school which escalated to near exclusion. It's now apparent he has high functioning autism with a sensory processing disorder and while to others he looks naughty and violent (because when he's not, he's charming and lovely and kind) but in reality a lot of things (mostly school) are creating a huge sense of anxiety and panic in him and at just 7, he doesn't know how to process those feelings yet.

He needs clear, specific instructions (which most teachers try but are still ambiguous), less people and 'stuff' around him, adults that really understand him and the opportunity to have more breaks out of the classroom.

I've been watching the class this week and I do think the expectations of 6-7 year olds is too high. There is SO much sitting at desks and sitting on the carpet and 50% of the time is taken up with the teacher telling different children to 'sit still, put your hand up, cross your legs, sit in your space, don't get up, don't leave the table, no you can't go to the toilet ect' and while she's dealing with one, the rest get restless which causes more disruption - I get that children need to learn the rules but I just think if so many children struggle with this setup (and I was bored stiff watching it so the kids must of been bored) - the there must be a better approach.

I'm a lot more converted to home ed now I've spent a week in the classroom watching.....

Oh and he does a martial art and has never once had trouble there because the rules and instructions are clear and has never used the skills out side of the class. He's doing brilliantly and it's great for his (rock bottom) self esteem. He also finds swimming great as well. Team sports - definitely not!

50% of the teacher’s time was taken up with telling the children off?

Ime the children that were being ‘rough’ in the playground with my child were waiting for opportunities to be rough when no adults were watching. The school have a duty of care to all children and if they can’t keep the other children safe from your child’s play then their choices are limited.

If you feel your dc potentially could do with support perhaps get a private assessment. It is not usual for boys to be violent but it’s easier for some parents to brush it off as boys will be boys, but it’s not their kids coming home covered in cuts and bruises is it?

firecracker, there are children at my ds's martial arts class who have sen but can follow instructions and behave accordingly.
And there were children who are just violent and doesn't listen, constantly hurt others(especially the smaller, younger children) and eventually let go.

Surburban- it probably wasn’t actually 50% - it just felt like it. It’s that constant feeling of hurding kittens and constantly telling these little wriggly, inquisitive humans to act like mini adults - it just felt wrong and not the best way for them to learn.