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Original poster

Step daughter can’t read or write

37 replies

GlitterSparkles17 · 27/11/2017 15:01

I really need to keep this brief as it’s really outing, my step child is 8 years old and can’t read or write except their own name.
Her mum home schools but my husband really wants her to go to school. He feels he can’t bring up the subject because his ex never put him on the birth certificate so he’s worried that if he brings it up 1) she can turn round and say he can’t see her anymore if he pushes for her to go to school and 2) he has no rights anyway as he’s not on the birth certificate. So what can he do?

I’m really concerned for her, she’s behind in her education which is going to damage her future and she also has absolutely no idea how to interact with people and is totally missing out on the social aspect of school life.

This isn’t a dig at home schooling as I know it works for some families, I’ve seen that first hand, I just think on this occasion it’s not working out.

Any advice?

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Tinselistacky · 27/11/2017 15:06

He still has the same rights ... He needs to seek legal advice and he does have a say in education.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/11/2017 15:07

I know diddly squat about HE but surely there must be some sort of control / assessment over it? Can you contact them?

Sorry that's vague. What an awful situation

CappuccinoCake · 27/11/2017 15:09

Nope no control/assessment and lots go with the "they'll learn when they're interested/want to" or that in Europe they start at 7.

However we have homeschooler friends, lovely intelligent family who do fab activities but yes way behind where my similarly bright daughter is at school.

AfunaMbatata · 27/11/2017 15:11

What were her reasons for homeschooling in the first place? Just wondering if perhaps her DD has some SEN and wasn’t getting on well at school..

There must be some way for him to be put on the birth certificate, court ordered DNA test or whatnot. Has he bothered looking in to it?

Original poster
GlitterSparkles17 · 27/11/2017 15:17

Her reasons were she was in and out of school a lot due to hospital appointments for a mild illness, this was in reception class, she’s now been absolutely fine for years but has just never gone back. She said early this year she was going to get her back into school this year, but the deadline for school applications came and went and she just never started. I don’t think she has any intention for ever sending her.

Yes he’s looked into it and she’s agreed to let him be on the birth certificate but it’s just been difficult to get an appointment to suit them both at the register office. Whenever we seem to lock one down she cancels at the last minute.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/11/2017 16:12

So she's not actually home schooling her, just keeping her at home

Original poster
GlitterSparkles17 · 27/11/2017 16:17

Well yeah, that’s my initial thought but I’m no expert in homeschooling. When we ask her what she’s been learning she just says “usual stuff” she can’t really tell us anything and I don’t want to ask too many questions as though I’m quizzing her

OP posts:
catkind · 27/11/2017 18:29

I think he needs to seek legal advice. I may be corrected but I thought a father could apply to court to get his name added to the birth certificate if needed. Also is he not providing financial support? Presumably that would require the mother to have declared him to be the father so it's not like she could suddenly pretend he wasn't.

Norestformrz · 27/11/2017 19:11

.

Step daughter can’t read or write
Original poster
GlitterSparkles17 · 27/11/2017 19:57

Basically he wasn’t aware of her existence for the majority of her life, his ex never told him she was pregnant or that she’d had his baby. It was a casual relationship that only lasted a few months. Once we found out she just admitted it straight away, but won’t take maintenance. We put money away for her each month since the ex won’t take anything. Court is an option but we just don’t want the situation to get nasty. I think his DD likes being homeschooled so she obviously would have an issue with him going to court to prevent this from happening which I think he’s worried might cause a rift between them

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 27/11/2017 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isittheholidaysyet · 27/11/2017 20:09

What lady said above.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/11/2017 20:10

I had to take ds out of school at 8years old because he couldn't read. (He wasn't the only one in his class who couldn't read or write).

All those thinking that the LA should do something. Would you still be asking them to go into schools to sort out what is going on.

Norestformrz · 27/11/2017 20:29

"Would you still be asking them to go into schools to sort out what is going on."
Yes that's their role

Lifechallenges · 27/11/2017 23:47

The deadline for school applications is irrelevant for in year applications. Sounds like for whatever reason the mum doesn't want her at school. That's fine but she needs to HE her then. The risk is that she isn't actually educated in reading and maths. The LA in reality don't have the resources to check.
I couldn't do it myself but am in an area where HE is relatively common.. but its generally actually quite structured

ButterfliesAreWeird · 27/11/2017 23:57

If you don't want to go through court you could try getting her a tutor on your time or teaching her yourself.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/11/2017 00:36

Would you still be asking them to go into schools to sort out what is going on."*
Yes that's their role

Well they certainly not doing it in so far as schools are concerned. The other 2 from ds's class also ended up HE

Norestformrz · 28/11/2017 04:58

Did you report them?

Original poster
GlitterSparkles17 · 28/11/2017 06:30

That’s for all the comments, it sounds as though not being able to read or write at her age may be the norm for some home educated kids, it could be she just learns it at an older age. I genuinely don’t know much about Home education, I would never consider it for my kids purely because I’m not a teacher and I don’t feel I’d be giving them the best start in life.

Husband wants her in school so the best thing he can do is just talk to his ex about it and see if she will consider it, or at the very least see if there’s something we can do to help while she’s at our house.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/11/2017 06:46

I would try to teach her when at your home but remember that there could be good reasons why she has found reading difficult so not necessarily just down to the mother. You won't know until you try.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/11/2017 08:05

Unfortunately if she went to school she is too old for them to teach her to read and write. I know several who pulled their dc out of school because their children didn't learn to read and write in reception or year 1 and by year 2 the class had moved on and apart from 10 minutes with a TA they were stuck in a class being taught the curriculum. If anything was written on the board it remained a mystery to them.

No I didn't report them I moved schools just to find the same thing happening. Although I was assured when I looked round the school this wouldn't be the case.

littledinaco · 28/11/2017 08:31

I genuinely don’t know much about Home education
It may be an idea for you and DH to do some research into this as it’s how is DD is being educated. It may be that you still don’t agree with it/feel it’s best but at least you would be making that decision from an informed point of view.

I don’t know what your contact set up is but could DH take her to some home education groups, there is usually loads on offer, music, dance, art, language, things like Lego maths and just social meet ups. That way he can become actively involved in her education.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 28/11/2017 11:19

TBH - whichever way you look at this from a proactive angle, there is going to be some sort of conflict.

The first step you need to do is to contact a solicitor and start the ball rolling in establishing your parental rights. I am not a lawyer, but if my daughter was very important to me, a lot of financial sacrifices would be made to ensure that.

The next step is maybe contact your LA and explain the situation - without being biased or negative towards the mum but more of a ‘my child isn’t being HE that ‘I’ feel is adequate or is in line with her age or development’. LA DO have the right to intervene if they think a family is not upholding the law in that their child receives an adequate education. There has been a lot in the news about this over the past week and it’s more about making clear the guidelines that families and LA have to follow.

IF the mum becomes awkward about access etc, then you take it to the next level and for that your lawyer (a good family one) will advise.

But quite frankly, if your partner/DH is in disagreement about her education then be prepare for a war of words, threats of stopping contact etc.

The only way you and our partner/DH can do anything is toggpnthrough proper channels.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 28/11/2017 11:27

At 8 I wouldn’t be overly worried about reading and writing. Like someone upthread said, in some countries children don’t even start school until age 7. If she isn’t reading/writing by 11ish I would be concerned. Is the child otherwise healthy? Does she get taken to the dentist/GP when necessary? Is she clean? Is she happy? Does she ask to to go school? Is she being isolated from peers or does she go to clubs and hobbies and the park and swimming and parties etc? Does she get outside most days?

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