Step daughter can’t read or write

[GlitterSparkles17]

I really need to keep this brief as it’s really outing, my step child is 8 years old and can’t read or write except their own name.
Her mum home schools but my husband really wants her to go to school. He feels he can’t bring up the subject because his ex never put him on the birth certificate so he’s worried that if he brings it up 1) she can turn round and say he can’t see her anymore if he pushes for her to go to school and 2) he has no rights anyway as he’s not on the birth certificate. So what can he do?

I’m really concerned for her, she’s behind in her education which is going to damage her future and she also has absolutely no idea how to interact with people and is totally missing out on the social aspect of school life.

This isn’t a dig at home schooling as I know it works for some families, I’ve seen that first hand, I just think on this occasion it’s not working out.

Any advice?

A lot of home educators hire tutors for specific subjects so if his ex wont take maintenance money your DH could use that to hire a tutor or two for some teaching while she is with him.

Hm. Is there a point in 'supplementing' and 'supporting' the HE which your step daughter's mum is doing? Perhaps ask if you can be put in touch with any HE local group she is involved in, and go along to a few of the activities they do (many families who HE are connected locally and sometimes do things as a group). Or informally support her learning in other areas such as maths by letting her use money or play games which encourage mathematical thinking (Yahtzee springs to mind).
As far as developing her writing is concerned (speaking as a primary school teacher whose nearly 8-year old DD massively struggles with reading, writing and maths, and as one of those Europeans who didn't start school until 7 either), remember that there are many aspects to being literate. Don't let her inability to read and write yet get in the way of her experiencing the joy of expressing herself in writing; write stories together, either with you scribing on paper or typing, but let her words shine. My DD can barely write a shopping list (again yet!), but has amazing ideas and a really good turn of phrase, and creates incredible narratives when I agree to scribe for her. I should say that, because my DD is in a state primary, I spend a lot of time using my own professional skills at home with her at the end of the day to make sure she gets the input she needs at her own level (eg still phonics and high frequently words, reading banded reading books etc) in order to ensure that she doesn't fall further behind. This is mainly due to the social pressure she feels not to be seen to be struggling in class, so she actively asks for the input.
Read to you step daughter too, lots and lots, as this will lay the foundations for a future literate life. I socialise with quite a few parents whose children have been through Steiner school, and not reading or writing at 8 wouldn't have caused a great deal of concern. These kids are now beautifully literate teens.
Socially, as you say she is missing out, do you have other kids in your extended family circle that you can arrange for her to hang out with when she's at yours? Frequency and familiarity is reassuring, and I have found that one of the most unexpected challenges of parenthood has been to actively manage my kids' social lives, making sure that they get to develop friendships inside and outside school.
Good luck. I get that it may be worrying and frustrating, but please try to come at it from a 'how can we all contribute to SDD's learning' angle, and be supportive of her mum as far as you can. At 8, she'll be really sensitive to a) any suggestions that she is 'behind' and b) criticism of her mum / tension between mum and dad.

At 8 I wouldn’t be overly worried about reading and writing. Like someone upthread said, in some countries children don’t even start school until age 7.

Are you taking the piss or something? If a child is 8 and can't read or write beyond their own name, then I am sorry but that is extremely concerning.

In some countries children don't start till age 7, but these kids are not illiterate at age 8, because they are all reading pretty fluently within a few months of starting school. Partly because countries which delay reading until such a late age are the ones with writing systems that are very easy to learn.

I would be having a serious word with the LA. She has the right to be educated!!!

Are you taking the piss or something?

Yes I live to post piss taking posts on serious threads. Gives me a real kick.

OP I would speak with some people who have experience of HEing and ignore any amateur dramatics from those who don’t.

Hi OP;
Why don't you post this in Home Ed, with a slightly different title, 'should I be worried about this' and maybe in Legal Matters to get some advice about your OHs legal position. Agree with PPs who suggest researching HE and looking more at how can we help rather than assuming because she isn't where you feel she should be then her future prospects are being damaged.

Thanks for all the info.

I did think about posting in HE but thought I’d get flamed to be honest. I wanted more neutral opinions.

I think I’m going to advise DH to do some research into HE and talk to his ex about her day to day schooling, maybe he can spend a “school day” with them and see what sort of things she’s learning about.

SD doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t have a large family on her mums side and has been extremely isolated her whole life. I wouldn’t say she struggles meeting new people as she’s quite outgoing and talkative but she has no idea how to play with kids her own age, or share and she’s extremely dramatic if she doesn’t get her own way. All that sounds fairly normal for a kid but it’s actually a lot worse than it sounds. I can’t imagine her in a school setting to be honest,
she’s very creative and artistic so it’s a shame.

Why is it’s shame?
HE can be better than school for some children who are creative and artistic as it can allow them far more opportunities than school.

You sound quite critcal towards HE without knowing anything about it.

If you are genuinely interested in HE and how it works and what the positives and negatives are (like school or anything there are obviously some downsides) then there is no reason you would be flamed.

It’s good that DH is going to do some research but I find it quite strange that he’s not done this before. I would expect most dads to have been doing this since she stated being home educated and taking an active part in her education.

Does he read to her? Sit and draw with her? Do things to encourage fine motor (which helps with writing) such as playdough, craft with small beads, etc? Cook with her?

maybe he can spend a “school day” with them and see what sort of things she’s learning about.

Be aware that much of HEing doesn’t look anything like a “school day”. If he expects to turn up at 9 and leave at 3 having witnessed her at the kitchen table with books all round her he needs to do some research beforehand and adjust that expectation. HEing can look like that, but for many it doesn’t, and that’s perfectly fine too. A “school day” for her may mean doing mathletics at 8pm on Saturday evening having spent the day outside playing or at the swimming pool.

Also, instead of him spending a day observing what happens in her mum’s house (I wouldn’t permit my ex to do that) why doesn’t he start spending a day a week teaching her himself. His daughter’s education is his responsibility too, he may not agree with how her mother does it but that doesn’t stop him educating her in his own way when she is with him.

its good that DH is going to do some research but find it quite strange that he’s not done this before

If you read earlier in the thread he didn’t know she existed until very late last year. This year has been about getting to know each other which has been very hard on them both. Up to now that’s been his focus and he’s put the school issue to one side but he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t agree with it. Maybe we’re jusr bias because we’ve never experienced it.

I think i am more pro school, not against HE for all family’s as it clearly does work for some and there are situations where kids have been taken out of school for important reasons but personally I wouldn’t do it lightly as I don’t think I’d be a good enough teacher.

I think your all very right and we need to do a lot more research into it and DH needs to talk to his ex and get an insight into it.

Thanks for all your feedback and advice I really appreciate it.

This year has been about getting to know each other which has been very hard on them both. Up to now that’s been his focus and he’s put the school issue to one side
If it was me though, I still would have done some reading, joined some HE groups maybe. It’s a big part of his DDs life and surely getting to know her is finding out a bit about this. The same as if she was in school, you would find out what her favourite subjects are, what after school activities she does, maybe go to a school play/school fair, etc.

he’s made it clear to me that he doesn’t agree with it. Maybe we’re jusr bias because we’ve never experienced it.
How can he not agree with something he knows nothing about? Most people haven’t experienced HE, that’s why maybe you need to go to some local Home-ed meet ups, talk with families who are doing this, read on-line, etc.
It may be that you still don’t feel it’s the best thing for your DSD but at least you would me making an educated, informed decision.

personally I wouldn’t do it lightly I think most families don’t do it lightly. Lots people who HE will do lots of research, look at statistics, speak to adults who were HE as children, speak with other parents who HE. They probably do a lot more research than those who send their DC to school without even questioning it, just because that’s what you’re ‘supposed to do’.

You don’t necessarily need to be a good teacher either. People get tutors, there are groups/classes, people ‘swap’ with other families so someone’s parent does teaching a language with your DC and you do cooking with their DC, there are on-line schools.

Also, part of being a parent is teaching your children. You teach them how to dress, cook, count, play football, ride a bike, etc.

I hope your DH finds lots of ways to support his DD. It must have been a big shock to find out he had her and I appreciate it’s a lot to get your head around HE. Often when something is different to the ‘norm’ it can be a bit frightening and our immediate instinct can be to think it’s ‘no good’ purely because we know nothing about it. The more you know, they better position you will be in to support her, even if you still think school would be better for her. Good luck