How to handle d's taking 'Cuddle bracelet' to school

[MissesBloom]

Ds has developed a huge dislike for school this year since starting year one.

He LOVED reception, liked his teachers, was confident going into school, had plenty of friends (although not one specific person) and his work was progressing beautifully.

However since day 2 of year one he has started to try and find ways of not going into school. He started saying he was too poorly to go in (if he had a mild cold), and would refuse to get dressed and generally use avoidance tactics to get out of going.

There have been a number of things I think going on here, firstly the school have told parents we aren't allowed in the playground and we must drop the kids at the gate to their classroom and leave. They are supposed to drop their own bags in then go back out and take a short walk to their playground (which is new to them this year and full of older children).

Ds felt uneasy about this so I have not left him despite what the head teacher wants. I stand back and try to let him play but he now has started clinging to me.

The other part of this is that he says he misses me at school and begs me not to leave him. This has been brought up with the teacher who agrees he is very glum at school although is still doing his work to a good standard and listens well. I'm worried that eventually his school work will be affected.

Anyway I have come up with an idea to try and calm his nerves and let him know I'm thinking of him. I got him a very small bracelet and told him that when he misses me he can touch or hold the bracelet and I will know he is thinking of me and I'll send him hugs.

I know it's a little far fetched but this is so out of character for him and I want to help him before it starts to affect his work. I'm worried however as his teacher and assistant aren't very approachable and can sometimes be difficult unnecessarily. I'm not sure how to let them know about this bracelet (as I'm sure I read somewhere they're not allowed jewellery) without them trying to confiscate it. Should I put it on his wrist and see? Or shall I be prepared to be told he can only keep it in his bag or something.

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm thinking I'll just bring it up with them on Monday and hope they allow him to have it.

He seems happier now with his new bracelet and much more positive although he's not had a day at school with it yet.

Have you tried having someone else doing the actual drop off at school? My eldest dd used to get really upset at drop off but when my job hours changed and I said my good buy to her at a friends house 10 minutes before the school run, she started going in fine. Sometimes kids are more clingy/less brave with us mums as they know they pull at our heart strings! She was the same with parties too, if I stayed she would hover around me wanting to stay by me rather than play with her friends, but if I made an excuse and popped off for a while I could see through the window that her confidence was better without me there. Might be worth asking a parent of a school friend if he/she would drop your son off one morning just to see if it’s any better for him, say you have a doctors appointment or something! I feel for you, Iv been where you are and it truly is heart breaking....but it WILL get easier and he will learn to manage his anxiety to being away from you in time.

I don't think that sounds like a normal/OK dropping off system for little ones. Yes we hand them over at the door, but that's to their own teacher/TA, and they go straight in and get on with something. And their teacher can sort them out if there are any problems or worries straight away. Handing them over to then have to do everything for themselves and go out to play by themselves seems to me to be asking for upset.

And that's without the fact they seem to have two unsupervised gates. Wouldn't have thought that was acceptable at all.

I wonder if the teacher can do anything to give him a morning routine that feels more secure to him. Could it help if he went straight in to his classroom instead of going out to play for example? (Might mean dropping him a few minutes later temporarily.)

Pleased to report things were much better today - although we lost the bracelet over the weekend (he took it to bed) and I couldnt find it before school, so we drew a heart on his hand. He seemed happy with this.

I basically did a number of things today, we got up early so no rushing around or yelling. We walked to school so we had time to talk on the way there. There wasn't much resistance but he did say he didnt want to go, so I just replied that we all have to do things we dont want to and left it at that.

I walked him to his classroom and watched him down the stairs to the playground then walked away so he couldnt see me. I waited and watched him go back into the classroom but he couldnt see me. It was much better today no crying , he wasnt his usual happy self but it was a huge improvement.

I really think the morning routine at his school is ridiculous and encourages mums to hang around rather than drop and go. I'd rather drop him to the classroom and would be happy leaving him, but its odd for them to need to come back out and line up. Im meeting his teacher tomorrow so will bring up my issues with her then, hopefully we can come to some arrangement on his off days.

That build a bear idea is fab! Weve never been to one but how lovely, to stich them on where they are out of the way but he can get to the heart whenever he wants. Definitely easier than a piece of jewellery.

thank god for this thread - its definitely given me some new ideas x

I sympathise. Ds was a dream in reception but terrible in year 1.

I used to write him a little note and zip it in his blazer pocket. So telling him what we would be having for dinner/doing at the weekend/ wondering what lunch may be/ who he would play with at break etc. Just a few lines and dh would do some days too.

At the door he would go in and sit down and then get the note out and read it. By this point I had legged it!

Teacher was very helpful though and would make sure he was distracted as soon as he was done. Lasted a couple of weeks and occasional instances through the year but he's been fine since!

Good luck!!

Could it go around his ankle?

How did it go today? Been thinking of you keeping my fingers crossed for a settled day

Well today has been a nightmare...not because of d's but because 2 yr old dd decided to display her black sharpie artwork all over my cabinets at 7am this morning (see photo)

On a happier note d's went in this morning a little happier, I left him at the classroom again and he seemed to be happy enough. Parents evening was more or less what we expected, both his teachers seemed not to be too concerned about his behaviour in school, They feel that he just needs reassurance quite alot but is capable of the workload. I did find out that there is alot more writing involved this year and I think this is what is causing him to withdraw and not want to go to school. He hates writing because he finds it challenging (due to a lack of strength and him being left handed) his teachers seemed to have picked up on this and have put him in a little group that are focussing more on those things he struggles with (sentence formation and letter size).

I'm definitely more positive going into the rest of the week. He did have a little wobble tonight and got very clingy again though. Dh thinks I'm 'pandering to him and need to push him away '

I'm definitely sticking with the bright and breezy drop and go plan in the mornings though I think it's helping.

Thanks once again to everyone who have commented. The bracelet was allowed but apparently it kept getting fiddled with and then not being able to be put back on so I've told him to keep it in his bag.

X

Oh dear! We've got an 'artistic' younger sister too! If it's any consolation, my September born year 1 ds also struggles with pen holding and has displayed a similar loss of confidence and clinginess as this term has gone on. But he is loving school and sends me away at the door to school! He now has a classic case of endoftermitis and is shattered. Term always goes on for one week too long I find!

In my experience, the cure for clinginess is ... lots of hugs and closeness. Mummy mustn't be the first to pull away. If DS gets the idea that snuggling is on the ration, he'll get even more desperate for it.

Ha ha endoftermitis it must be contagious I think I'm coming down with it too!!

That's reassuring...hopefully it's the same with ds. I don't want to get practicing too much because I think they need some rest...after all they're at school 5 days a week for 6 odd hours a day and then get homework and spellings on top. Need to just make it more fun.

MrsHathaway I think so too but the more i give in the worse he gets. It's like he wants to control me and not let me move or go anywhere. He wrapped himself around me earlier and refused to let me make dinner. Don't get me wrong I want to give him cuddles and kisses and feel privileged he still wants to but dh thinks he needs tough love and shakes his head and rolls his eyes at me. I feel judged

We don't really get homework yet - but ds wants to do school-like stuff when he gets home bless him!

Maybe try 'special time' where you set an amount of time (no less than 15mins) and either alternate who decides what to do with it, or go with his suggestion each time (but it must be interactive - no staring at the tv). Check out dr Laura markham on ahaparenting.com for good ideas about reconnecting. I've finally learnt that ds behaviour tanks when he needs to connect with me.

Sounds like your doing a great job, I think it’s just a man thing thinking tough love is a better option, Iv had the same discussion with my dh! Re ds struggling with writing, just encourage lots if things that will improve his fine motor skills like Lego buildings, hamma beads, chalks on the path etc We have a huge white board in dd bedroom which was pretty cheap from amazon and she loves drawing on it as it’s a bit different ( looks like your dd would like it too 🙈).

Misty we love to do crafts together..he loves anything involving glue and sticking little shiny things on etc. It's just carving out the time. Its usually a weekend thing for us. I like to take him out just me and him sometimes too so he doesn't feel he's always competing for my attention bless him.
Whats i have no idea where it comes from it drives me mad. He's supposed to just sit happily and never display any form of emotion and life just isn't like that. Unfortunately there isn't much of a bond between dh and ds and he rejects dh. I don't believe in tough love I reckon being assertive is a better approach.
I've heard loads about hamma beads actually I'll have to get him some of those. He does love anything Lego but needs space away from dd otherwise she just won't leave him alone until she's wrecked what he's made
I think maybe I need to set up an activity station each so they can do stuff together but without annoying eachother.

As for dd she's getting a huge etch a sketch for Xmas thankfully all that marker came out (toothpaste saved the day oddly) love the idea of a white board but dd just wouldn't stick to the board...it would be all over the bloody place!!

Haha you could always attach it to an outside wall or in the garage!

My dd is attached to me most of the time and is less cuddly/clingy with dh, sounds like our families are pretty similar!