How to handle d's taking 'Cuddle bracelet' to school

[MissesBloom]

Ds has developed a huge dislike for school this year since starting year one.

He LOVED reception, liked his teachers, was confident going into school, had plenty of friends (although not one specific person) and his work was progressing beautifully.

However since day 2 of year one he has started to try and find ways of not going into school. He started saying he was too poorly to go in (if he had a mild cold), and would refuse to get dressed and generally use avoidance tactics to get out of going.

There have been a number of things I think going on here, firstly the school have told parents we aren't allowed in the playground and we must drop the kids at the gate to their classroom and leave. They are supposed to drop their own bags in then go back out and take a short walk to their playground (which is new to them this year and full of older children).

Ds felt uneasy about this so I have not left him despite what the head teacher wants. I stand back and try to let him play but he now has started clinging to me.

The other part of this is that he says he misses me at school and begs me not to leave him. This has been brought up with the teacher who agrees he is very glum at school although is still doing his work to a good standard and listens well. I'm worried that eventually his school work will be affected.

Anyway I have come up with an idea to try and calm his nerves and let him know I'm thinking of him. I got him a very small bracelet and told him that when he misses me he can touch or hold the bracelet and I will know he is thinking of me and I'll send him hugs.

I know it's a little far fetched but this is so out of character for him and I want to help him before it starts to affect his work. I'm worried however as his teacher and assistant aren't very approachable and can sometimes be difficult unnecessarily. I'm not sure how to let them know about this bracelet (as I'm sure I read somewhere they're not allowed jewellery) without them trying to confiscate it. Should I put it on his wrist and see? Or shall I be prepared to be told he can only keep it in his bag or something.

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. I'm thinking I'll just bring it up with them on Monday and hope they allow him to have it.

He seems happier now with his new bracelet and much more positive although he's not had a day at school with it yet.

My dD has a special cuddly dog and was allowed to take him to school with her for as long as she wanted it. By year 1 most of the time she didn't need to even take it out of her bag, but knowing it was there was enough. I think she might have even taken him for the first day or two of yr 2. There were rules around it, he was to either stay in her bag or sit on the teachers table, she wasn't allowed to create disruption with him. But it really helped her and I don't see why the school would not try and help an anxious child. Try talking to the teachers again, and see if you can get their agreement for some little thing that will fit in his pocket.

I now have a 10 year old.I am not allowed to kiss in public. Would rather be in school than home because that is where his mates are.
It really does get better.

I also found after holidays were always worse..He was quite angry at home, it took a while to realise this was separation

I also never got into debates about why he had to go to school..The law says you have to go to school ( I am aware that the law says they must be educated not they have to go to school) this also helped ,I think, that it wasn't me sending him away.

The little bracelet is tiny...not something that would be obvious but it does have his nickname on it (a pet name that only I call him). I'm prepared for teacher to say no but will give it a go.

Starlight I know he'll be grown before i know it. I get anger from him when he comes out. He lashes out at me and actually hit me the other week. He has never done that before. I just think he is frustrated at school and being separated is making it worse so when he comes out he sort of let's out all his upset.

I'm fully prepared for another fight Monday morning it's every day now. He just is so sneaky and will make out he's too ill to go as he knows it's the only way to get out of going. The law doesn't worry him
I told him last week if he doesn't go them mummy and daddy could go to prison. Praying this is just one of those phases and doesn't last for the rest of his time in primary

When I was 3yo I was in hospital. parents couldn't stay. I knew that, and actually wasn't that bothered about it, being rather tired and ill.

Every time dm went to go I would scream the place down though.
It wasn't actually I didn't want her to go-I remember one particular time thinking as she left "thank goodness I thought she'd never go". Because I knew if I cried she stayed longer I cried even though I wasn't actually that worried. I remember it really clearly. I wanted to make sure she was the last mummy to go each night, and took it more as a challenge than anything else.

I just wonder if your ds is doing similar. He knows you're not meant to stay in the playground, so is using the tears to make sure you stay. Each time you stay you're reinforcing the idea that it works.

Perhaps try going back to the bright, breezy and quick goodbye-telling him you're going to dosome really boring cleaning at home and how you wish you were still at school when you would be doing much more fun stuff. Ask if a friend can stand by the gate and make sure he doesn't come out again.

My dd is in year 3 and suffers with anxiety. School have been lovely and very supportive. They suggested she keep a teddy in her bag and have a little cuddle if she needs to. I have also brought some rescue remedy pastels and give her one on the way to school each day. These seem to have made a huge difference and have virtually gotten rid of her morning worry tummy (nausea and stomach pains). Hope you ds will settle soon, but I would definitely make an appointment to discuss it further with his teacher.

It's so hard. I'm not used to him clinging to me, he's such an independant little guy normally. I can understand him crying for me in a hospital situation but this is so odd as he was always shocked at other kids in reception that used to get really really upset ....and now it's him.makes it worse the teacher has confirmed he's getting really down at school.

We've gone over the plan for tomorrow. Told him I won't be staying in the playground I'll need to leave. He started to panic straight away but I told him that I'm not allowed anymore and that I'll be going shopping for something lovely to eat when he gets home. Have packed him his favourite snack (grapes) and bracelet is in the bag ready to go.

Hoping now we have a plan he will accept me leaving a little easier.

As for the teacher I've already had a meeting with her but as yet shes not really suggested anything to help just sympathized with me.

Parents evening is on Tuesday so I'll be discussing with her further then but if no improvement or I'm still concerned I'll need to arrange a proper meeting.

Sil suggested I try and speak with his reception teacher and see if she could have a word with him. I'm reluctant though as she has 30 kids in her own class to deal with.
Whats your school sound fab. I'm not sure ours will be so nice about bringing an item in but will try my best.
Trying to remain positive about it all tomorrow anyway.

Thanks so much for all the advice it's been amazing

I asked for a meeting with her class teacher and the SENCO, this could be another option if you don’t feel his teacher is taking it seriously? I really do recommend the rescue remedy pastels, I wasn’t convinced when I brought them but was running out of ideas and a few adults who have panic attack suggested them and i thought we’ve nothing to loose! Maybe a bit of a placebo too but whatever it is it’s worked! I’ll try and post a link for you

www.boots.com/bach-rescue-pastilles-blackcurrant-with-sweeteners-50g-10083734

I posted recently - under a different name - about my 8yo son and his anxiety -emetophobia. People advised me not to go down the rescue remedy route as it reinforces the idea there’s something to worry about. So it could be ‘enabling’ the anxiety and creating props that he then relied upon.

We bought a brilliant book - will link in a second. It has freshened our approach and I think things have really improved. Good luck; it’s horrible isn’t it?

What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids) here

That’s a fair point carol, it’s tricky to find a balance between not reinforcing the anxiety, but at the same time acknowledging that it’s real and that she may need help to manage. We use the sweets more as ‘they help you to feel brave when you have a shy feeling in your tummy’.

This reminded me of DD a few years ago, saying how much she missed me when at school. School discouraged taking toys etc in, so DD came up with this teeny knitted toy she had and we smuggled it into school tucked into her boots! Whenever she missed me she took this little chap out for a quick cuddle and then I cuddled it when she came home, so the hugs were transferred via the toy. It didn't last long and she stopped taking it after a while.

I did this with DD, but she has is found her ankle, wears long socks, nobody knows.

I have a matching one round my ankle too, it’s really helped her!

**it round her ankle 🙄

Ive heard of other people having success by kissing them when wearing lipstick somewhere they ‘know is there’ and can gain confidence from.

Nowhere that can be easily washed off during the day after using the toilet I guess?

I've used rescue remedy before but not the pastilles it was the drops. I never found it helped but by that point I was usually so anxious I was having a panic attack. I'm definitely not opposed to him using them.

It's odd...its more like he gets sad usually more than scared or panicky. He goes 'glum' as his teacher said and just very down. He just says he misses me it's just heartbreaking to listen to as a mum. We spend most of their lives as babies and toddlers keeping them close. Then I feel like he needs me and there is nothing I can do. I guess it's a process and a learning curve for us both.
Beamur I love that you smuggled toys in her boots. We do what we must!! I'll find a way!

That book sounds fab have added it to my basket already

Someone mentioned SENCO...im not sure what that is really? Is it someone who works with kids with special educational needs? Does every school have one?

It's nice to know he's not alone with it..its sort of caught me off guard because i just didn't see it coming .Glad your dc's are ok with school now though it's horrible to go through...you just want to turn around and take them home and hug them forever!

You mention your anxiety. Have you received treatment for that? He will feed off any anxiety you have about school or being separated.
A SENCO is a special educational needs coordinator.

SENCO is the person who is the special educational needs coordinator. This includes their emotional needs if they are causing disruption with their learning.

Crossed post there....sorry!

Yep I've had various different treatment for my anxiety although it seemed to just get so much better after I had my son. I do still suffer with health anxiety but am very careful around the kids so as not to transfer this to them.

I will definitely ask about the SENCO if this carries on. It will start to affect his work in the end and could affect the others too if this Is going on all day. Thankfully I don't think he's at this point yet. There will be one or two random days when he comes out fine and happy to see me. I know those must be an ok day for him.

Kids pick up on things. They really do. And refusing to leave him to go into the playground alone and your comments about lack of supervision do sound like anxiety. Be careful. I worry you're talking too
Much about this and making it into an issue. Please don't tell him school could send you to prison if he doesn't go.
You need to be bright and reassuring not talking it over and over and feeding the fear.

Yes we went through something similar about him missing me. It was awful, but I had to reassure myself that this was a phase. What he wanted (to stay with me all the time) wasn’t feasible or indeed healthy. The weirdest thing was that it happened when he saw more of me than ever. It was at a time when our aupair had left and I’d dropped to part time, so was doing all the school runs.

One Monday morning the teacher dealt with him after he was all gloomy assuming he’d been with his dad all weekend... she didn’t phone me as she dealt with him really well, but when we spoke about it later I was really surprised.... he’d spent the whole weekend with me, seen his cousins, family bbq, trampoline park etc etc. Short of Disney it was the perfect weekend

But he had everyone believe it was a catastrophe. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it made me even mor confused! Short of home ed wtf was I meant to do??

I don't think my worrying about the gates is misplaced. It's my job as a parent to ensure he is safe, I don't know of any other school in my area that expects you to leave a 5 year old rather than walk them to their class. It came as a huge shock to all of the mum's in our year that don't have older kids at the school. I think if they insist on this rule then they should make it safer. I don't know how it works in all schools but most people I speak to find it unusual to leave them.

I am going to just do it tomorrow as I am concerned I'm projecting some fear onto him by allowing him to control wether I stay or go. I'm not a flappy or emotional person so I really can't see he's picking anything up. I try to stay calm and give a quick kiss and go. Will just say goodbye at the classroom tomorrow rather than the playground

Carol that makes total sense to be fair. He has a younger sibling too so probably feels as though she gets to stay home with mum and he's carted off somewhere he doesn't want to go. It just amazes me he comes out so angry some days...youd think he'd be relived but instead it's like he takes out the day on me. He is a different boy during the holidays.

It's totally normal to leave them at the gate here. If you have concerns then you speak to the school. Don't ignore the rule. Unless the school is insecure I'm not sure what the concern is.

I went into Build a Bear and asked for a handful of those little stuffed hearts. I sewed one inside his shirts. Worked well.