Upset Mummy AIBU

[MarvelMummy13]

I was looking for a little advice on the following situation. Sorry its so long .

I have received a phone call from my partner whilst I was at work today explaining the following scenario. Bearing in mind my child walks home with her friend and their mummy from school and by the time they walk home I'm home from work or my partner is depending on my work rota. Tonight I was on the late shift so he picked her up

My partner picked up our child from said friends house at which he was told by this lovely lady that she had been called into the class at the end of the school day to both of our children sat on a mat with another child.

She was told that the children had smeared paint over their hands on the back and the front and then put their hands on each other including their shirts and then had put their hands on another child who wasn't involved and got paint all over this child and on items in the room. The other mother was then told to tell me how my child had misbehaved today. The teacher said our children didn't show any remorse when told it was wrong and were devious and for their actions the children were told to sit in the quiet corner and were excluded from a tea party in the afternoon and told to stay there until their mothers came . My child had said sorry originally when she did it but was told to apologise again at the end of the day and the teachers were apologising to the parent with paint on their shirt . I know for a fact if I or any of her nursery teachers slightly raised their voices my daughter would be extremely upset and quiet she always has been this way.

The three teachers were stood up and the two children were sat on the floor. The other mother said she felt like she was being told off through the children and the children were being looked down on now parenting and child development classes often tell you to be on the same level as your child . Its was unnecessarily intimidating.

Now these are my issues with the following situation. All three children started school for the first time ever 2 weeks ago. All the children attended the same private nursery which is just next to the school and not part of it and in this nursery I cannot count the number of times I brought my child home and she was absolutely caked in mud and paint and the nursery had told me she was playing and they encourage them to get messy and I often walked in to children running around with paint everywhere It was called messy play. I understand the children shouldn't do this now if these are the rules of the school but 2 weeks ago they were in nursery and when we explained this the teacher said it was just naughty and devious. At 4 years old my child is extremely attentive smart and caring especially to others I do not want her labelled as the bad child because I swear she is not she helps me when I've been extremely poorly and is so thoughtful bringing me blankets and helping me around the house.

They should have been told once and said its not acceptable in school now and then they should have moved on . How long were they sat on this mat watching other children enjoy a tea party and being excluded. Why was I not called and why were they passing messages through another parent. Also this was also done in front of another 6 or 7 pupils why was it not done in private . Where were the teachers when the children were caking themselves in paint ? If this is so appalling then why last week when my daughters friend put permanent marker on her cardigan did someone not come and speak to me and apologise

Both myself and the other mummy are extremely devastated by how our children were treated today as its been a rough first week and a half with them both being extremely nervous and even tears on the doorstep of school in a morning i'm worried after this ...no I know after this tomorrow It will be a struggle to get her through the door. They've been there 2 weeks !

I've spoken to the other mother, my SIL and my two of my work colleagues who are involved with working with children in a workplace setting and the other mother has spoken to her family member who is a HV and they've all said it was handled terribly . I just don't know how to proceed Im not happy at all

I keep re-reading but I honestly can't see how this was 'handled terribly'. The teacher has expectations and rules for her classroom. She is unlikely to know the expectations and rules of all her children's previous establishments and probably wouldn't expect rising 5s to think covering other children in paint was acceptable. They were made to apologise, sit and think about their actions and then the information was passed onto parents/careers at the end of the day. I hope they were also expected to help clean up and not leave it to adults in the classroom who have other things to do e.g. Set up, supervise and clear away a tea party! I think it was handled ok.

I'm a teacher (Y1 but occasionally cover in YR) and agree the actions of the children was unacceptable. They were told off and punished for it.

But I agree the teacher handled the situation very badly when informing you of what happened.

1. No need to keep children back on the carpet after school. It's actually prolonging unnecessary stress by making the children wait for what they perceive to be something horrible going to happen to them.
2. Parents being told about misdemeanours deserve the respect to be told in private and in confidence. It has nothing to do with other parents/students and therefore they should not be an audience to it. It belittles and embarrasses parents.
3. YOU should have had a phone call after pick up when the teacher realised you were not there yourself to pick up. We NEVER, EVER tell a third party about a child's day - not even grandparents. If it warrants a parent to be told, we give the information firsthand.
4. How does she know there was no remorse? Some children even SMIRK when embarrassed. it does not mean they are not genuinely sorry for their actions. My DS would and still does refuse to say sorry when he's in the wrong. Not because he's a little ** but because he is so utterly embarrassed about his actions, he's afraid he would make things worse or embarrass himself. 'Sorry' is just a word. Actions speak loudly. If the children were genuinely upset, there are other ways to express sorrow.

I would speak to the class teacher (in private of course) and politely ask the teacher to phone you directly if your child has misbehaved and you're not there on pick up to be told and also to refrain from speaking to you about these matters with an audience presence. (The class teacher would probably be embarrassed herself when her own misdemeanors are brought to her attention). Also state that you have had a chat, it won't happen again but that you are 'sure' she understands that it is hard for a 4 year old to disguise differences in acceptable behaviour between nursery and a school when there has only been a 2 week window between transferring from one to another.

But I agree with others, one mistake does not mean a child is 'labelled'. Labelled children generally outgrow their immature, mischievous behaviour. I know. I have one in my class who came up with 'red flags' on his profile but has actually settled in well and obviously matured a lot over the holidays.

Your child misbehaved and was quite correctly told off.

But you're choosing not to be upset at your misbehaving child, you're choosing to be upset at the teacher?

Thank you Bangingmyheadoffabrickwall I appreciate your advice.

Flowerpot never said I wasn't upset at her. Did explain the consequences. Not to do it again. I stated which part I had issues with . Never said she should be allowed to do it and thats it

But bangingmyhead, the teacher was in a slightly unusual situation where both the 'offenders' were being picked up by one of their parents. It wouldn't be fair to the girl whose mother was there to have her behaviour reported and an apology extracted while the other girl seemingly gets away scot-free. The mother of the third girl would think that was weird as well!

That's easily solved by saying that you will be talking to the parents of the other children involved.

I think actually the place you need to be irritated with is the nursery if they allowed, or you seem to imply encouraged, this. It's clearly unacceptable even at nursery level because they will then see it as something reasonable to do, when it isn't-as seen by this.

You need to read the WhatsApp Reception Thread.

I think the teacher must have figured it wasn't a big enough issue to make a phone call to OP, so telling other mum was good enough.
I really think you should suck it up and move on.
Having a issue with teacher and making complaints with such a small incident would make a very unpleasant relationship with school.

Marvel, your daughter will be absolutely fine. I promise.

She wasn't treated badly. She did something wrong and received a punishment. This won't be the last time she gets in a bit of trouble at school.

The best thing you can do for her is to move on from this. Making a huge fuss isn't going to do her any favors.

Thanks Weebo

Firstly, an infant classroom is an incredibly busy place and kids can streak each other in paint in no time. The teachers could have been dealing with a homesick kid/tying shoelaces/demoing something to another child etc. Yabu to complain about the teacher not continually having eyes on them all. That isn't feasible.

Secondly, yabu to complain about them being denied a privilege - which it sounds like the tea party was. I would probably have removed them from it and either put them in another classroom, or given a time out for a particular length of time. I probably wouldn't personally remove them from the whole thing, but I can under a blanket ban.

Thirdly, yanbu about the teacher expecting the other parent to communicate about the bad behaviour to you. I would always ring home.

Finally, it makes perfect sense to have the kids sitting in one place like that. The teacher was probably busy sending the rest home and got them to sit in one spot so she could bring the mum in after the children were gone, instead of the mum possibly calling them over to her right away and the teacher not having a chance to speak to her.

But I do agree with the others that this might be the first time she's in trouble in school, but probably not the last - and I think you should accept it and move on.

Grrr - I can understand a blanket ban. Predictive text is a pain!

'They don't label the child' posters - I have definitely been in a school as TA where children were indeed labelled ie. their naughty behaviour was pounced upon with more severity than other children and, more upsetting, their GOOD behaviour was ignored as it was just a relief that they weren't being naughty. I was asked to give an end of day reward sticker to child who had been particularly good that day, a child of my choice and I chose a labelled naughty child because he'd really hadn't done anything bad at all, and for him, concentrating and doing as told WAS trying hard to be good. You should have seen the disapproving glare from the teacher.
OP, hopefully one incident won't paint your daughter in this light, despite the over the top handling of the situation, but I wanted to say, labelling absolutely happens in my experience.

Trust me by the time she is my oldest son's age (10) your automatic response will be 'Well you must have deserved it then!' like the rest of us. :o

But it is tough when they are tiny.

I think when they see you on board with the teacher it makes them feel a little more secure in school. The last thing you want her to feel is picked on.

I know it is hard at this early stage but as hard as it is try to trust the school and most importantly don't dwell on it. My ds was sent to the head on his third day for "biting" they were playing a vampire game. It was hard. He was distraught and it was unfair at the time. When the supervisor asked what they were doing ds said happily "biting" whilst the others said nothing so he was they only one that got into trouble. I was crushed. Then two weeks later most parents that I had spoken had had their children to the head, on yellow, or red.

It became obvious that they went really hard with consequences in the early weeks to set standards of behaviour early on. My dh said to me not to take it so personally (hello it is MY CHILD) but to see it as a behaviour management tool for the entire class. There are 30 kids in that class, the teacher needs to control them.

Don't dwell on, she will not be labelled. I really worried about this as well but it hasn't been the case.

An infant classroom is a busy place, but part of the skills of an infant teacher is to be able to scan the room whilst simultaneously wiping noses, getting sand out of eyes and instructing a child on how to form a letter correctly! Never turn your back on the class...

Especially in the first few weeks when the boundaries are established.

I wouldn't bother going in. If you feel very strongly about it, go and see the teacher with an apology for the behaviour and ask that she updates you herself if any other poor behaviour occurs.

**boundaries are being established.

Carou, if that's true, op having a issue would just make it worse, don't you think? Parents having issue with sanction and complaining about it despite the fact their child has done something wrong in the first place, especially most of us think it wasn't ott.

Sorry for typos etc. And to clarify, the children I'm talking about were reception age. The teacher really seemed to resent any positive input towards the particular boy. He was 'bad' as far as she was concerned. He was given to me on a school trip and was perfectly lovely. It made me very sad to see how he was pigeonholed.

Perhaps, but having a word re. her quietness and sensitivity to raised voices might be in order. The thing here that makes me squirm slightly is the use of the word 'devious'; perhaps OP should stand up for her 4 year old's (!!!!) character in light of that.

I am going against the grain here too and think it was not handled well. They are only 4, have not been in Reception long and especially if Nursery are very into messy play won't have got the hang yet of school rules. Yes they should have been told it's not acceptable, not to do it again, but it was a first misdemeanour and missing a tea party seems pretty harsh. Also the word devious seems a bit much for a 4 yr old! As for not showing remorse - how can the teacher really tell? Children react in different ways to being told off.

My DS was very young in the year - literally just turned 4 when he started - I remember the teacher being horrified he had got mud all over his top, wheareas I didn't care I just wanted him to feel happy secure and settled at school. It was hard enough encouraging him to even want to be at school, so a muddy top was the least of my concerns. Children this age are on a huge steep learning curve and will make lots of mistakes until they get used to school rules and environment. Some children 'get it' quicker than others.
How the teacher handles these mistakes can have an impact on how the child views school.

I disagree that children don't label themselves - they do and if someone tells you that you are naughty often enough then you start to believe it and act accordingly.

I don't disbelieve that happened, Carou. Teachers are like everyone else and there are arseholes among them.

But right now I would say to the OP that a problem isn't a problem until it's a problem.

If things escalated and her child was being singled out that would be terrible but right now she is just a child who misbehaved and was punished.

Going in guns blazing over one punishment would make her seem difficult.