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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Girls in reception not being friendly to DD - SOB!

44 replies

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 10:38

I think/hope I'm over-worrying this....and that someone can just reassure me ....as it's only been two weeks since my DD has started school....

BUT a few times since she started Reception two weeks ago, my DD, 4 (one of the younger ones but quite mature) has come back from school feeling down - and saying "when I go near the girls they move away from me". And one particular girl wouldn't allow her to play with her and another girl - according to my DD.

Now, I have an older son, and I remember him saying "nobody" when I asked him who he played with at break times - when I soon discovered that wasn't true at all and he had tonnes of friends. So I WAS taking it with a pinch of salt. However, this weekend I took her to our first school birthday party and saw exactly what my DD was talking about. Every group of girls she approached either totally ignored her - or sort of ran off. It was heartbreaking!! And my normally irrepressibly happy little girl ended up with eyes filled with tears on my lap trying hard not to actually cry.

It's a class of 21 - with 14 girls, 10 of whom have been together since nursery so have already formed firm friendships. These friendships seem to be in twos. My DD is sociable, friendly, fun and outgoing, so I thought the social aspect would be relatively easy. And I do understand these other girls don't know her yet - and she can't just immediately expect to be loved.

I've arranged a playdate with another newbie on Wednesday. I'm not sure what else to do. There is nothing else I can do is there? Except maybe keep arranging playdates? Is it normal for girls to be like this at first? Aaargghhhh. HELP. Can't stop worrying about it!!

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user789653241 · 18/09/2017 10:47

Speak to the teacher. Tell the teacher what she is experiencing. Ask the teacher to keep an eye. I am sure the teacher would have whole class talk about being nice to others, including everyone, etc.
Also it's really early into the school year, the friendship group maybe totally different at the end of the year.

Brighteyes27 · 18/09/2017 10:49

Yes, my DD had this through school. She had a couple of close friends every so often but the vast majority went with the mob and would do almost anything to be popular and accepted, including ignoring and being nasty to other kids. It's still going on in year 8 in secondary. My DD is also lovely she is extremely tall and has never been overly obsessed about clothes and her personal appearance like many have. The popular ones just don't like her shun her and avoid her like the plague. It's very hard as a mum to witness this my heart goes out to you and your DD op just encourage your DD to be true to herself, help her build her confidence, other interests outside of school and arrange play dates and encourage other interests outside of school. Things may become less cliquey or they may not my DD has absolutely amazed me with some wise choices and an awareness of 'the popular people's behaviour'. Take care

Brighteyes27 · 18/09/2017 10:53

If your DD has a good teacher she may help or she may make it worse depending on how subtle she is. I would give it a couple more weeks. Definitely try not to let your DD see that you are overly bothered by this but keep talking to her loving her and showing her she is likeable and loveable.

SnowiestMountain · 18/09/2017 10:56

Oh that's so sad and the sort of thing I can't bear. I'd definitely have a word with her teacher and I think inviting somebody over for a play date is a great idea. keep showing her she is loved and lovable and hopefully between you and the teacher you will be able to work it out quickly.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/09/2017 11:15

You need a plan for her. Keep pushing in with play dates and look at what activities she can do outside of school keep her socialising. It might right itself in time though

Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 11:16

Thanks ladies, good advice. AARGH hate it! It's one of my worst fears... probably because I was always moving schools and countries and having to make new friends (family relocated a lot). So probably my own fears play a part here. But that moving has made me (after years) good at making new friends and being bold in new situations!

I think I'll wait till the end of the week - if no improvement I will speak to her teacher - who seems absolutely lovely. It's a small school with a reputation for being warm and welcoming. Let's hope they can do something if it's becoming a problem.

I'm finding myself thinking crazy thoughts like - is it her fringe?? Maybe people can't see her face properly? Should I cut it? Ridiculous!

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Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 11:17

*Should I grow it out rather (ie fringe!)

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HangingRock · 18/09/2017 11:19

You've done the right thing arranging a playdate with another newbie. Maybe speak to the teacher too about it and maybe try playdates with others too.

HangingRock · 18/09/2017 11:22

There will be nice girls in the class and once she's palled up with them she can leave any meany children to it.

Afreshstartplease · 18/09/2017 11:23

Op my dd has just started school

Shes very confident chatty bubbly and friendly

However she isnt playing with any of the girls in her class. She says they arent nice. One has been shouting at her and another is not nice to the teacher.

She has been playing with the boys instead but i just hope this plays out ok for her!

Justgivemesomepeace · 18/09/2017 11:24

In my experience there will be one or two ringleaders telling others 'don't play with her' and the rest just going along with it. I would try and pin down who they are over time and talk to the teacher about it. My dd seemed to be in with a similar group in primary. She was one of the ones bring told who she could and couldn't play with. She was very uncomfortable with it and found it hard to deal with as she isn't confrontational but won't just go along with the crowd either. I spoke to teacher after teacher as the years Went on and they did 'class discussions' and 'circle time' and it never got any better. They never got that this was aimed at them or recognised their behaviour at all. I moved her in the end and it was like a breath of fresh air. It's early days for you yet. I would keep going with the play dates and speak to the teacher. If you can figure out if there are individuals instigating this ask that They are spoken to individually as in my experience they just didn't understand it was their unhealthy social skills being discussed in class discussions.

Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 11:31

So you feel my pain a bit Freshstart! Sorry for your little one too. Although nice that she has nice boys to play with. Boys seem so much easier in comparison to girls in this regard! I watched the boys at the party and they all just ran around together having fun!

Thanks again everyone. I'm hoping hoping HOPING it's just a blip. One of the girls she's asked to come for a playdate is the MAIN alpha girl - and one of the ones who was ignoring her at the party. Now I can't decide whether to ask her for a playdate, like my DD wants, as I'm worried she might say no!! I do know her mum and her mum is lovely. Cripes it's like being an anxious teenager again!!

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noramum · 18/09/2017 11:31

Does the school have a buddy system? If so the teacher could ask the buddy to arrange some games with several girls (ideally without the ringleader).

Otherwise one-to-one playdates are good, even with girls who already know the others. We had this, DD and another handful of girls were not part of the pre-school gang but after 1/2 term this disintegrated fast and they were playing with each other. It could be the fact that they know each other so Reception is not such a frightening place if you keep with girls you know. While there may be the odd ones who are like glue until Y6 (DD and one of her nursery friends are like that) it is normally because the parents know each other/are friends so the children socialise outside school as well.

Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 12:02

Good ideas noramum - thank you so much - and that's reassuring.

Luckily I do know the other mums quite well - in fact I was out with a few on Saturday night. So I've just arranged another playdate for Saturday with one of my friend's daughters, who's been at the school since the start of nursery. Fingers crossed all will be okay.

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MiaowTheCat · 18/09/2017 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Afreshstartplease · 18/09/2017 12:53

Our older dc are boys so dd kinda gets boys a bit more i think. I just hope its not the case of her clinging on to the boys and them wishing she would go away! We have parents evening next month so will see how it goes until then.

Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 13:24

That is shite of the school Miaow - your poor DD! Hope all good at her new school.

Yes freshstart my DD very much a boys girl - loves superheroes etc and her best friend at nursery was a boy! Think also because she adores her older brother. Although she is quite girlie in other respects and seemed to have no problem with girls at nursery. SIGH.

I think I'll also wait till half-term - fingers crossed for us!!

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MiaowTheCat · 18/09/2017 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EezerGoode · 18/09/2017 13:44

Whoever said about the ringleaders is spot on..my ds has had awful problems with the main 2 girls in his class..I'd call it bullying,but these girls can do no wrong in the teachers eyes.and there's a lot of leaving out in my sons class,there is a group of mums who all know each other,and their daughters all play together,and no one else gets a look in.dosnt bother my son.but it does bother the 2 girls not part of the group..parents bizarrely are oblivious at parties,when it's every girl invited except 2

Motherwell91 · 18/09/2017 13:48

My daughter started two weeks ago and says the same things. She is my first to go to school and I'm totally heartbroken for her. She is quite sensitive and feels no one likes her. I've spoken to her teacher and she said she will keep an eye on it. Glad to see I'm not alone in this issue.

Afreshstartplease · 18/09/2017 13:53

Might be nice to keep this thread going as a few of us having similar issues

WalkanTalk · 18/09/2017 14:13

Yes I'm interested to see what advice comes up too.
I already notice this happening to my extremely friendly and gentle toddler, and it breaks my heart.

I'd really love to know what motivates someone so young to leave another child out! I know they're all so young so I doubt it's motivated by a want to be nasty?

I totally second the 'boys' solution as well. Had this leaving-out happen to me a LOT at primary school (I didn't understand why the girls were doing it then, and I still don't now) and my solution was to play with the boys.
Suddenly, years of happy friendships and great fun :)

Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 14:20

It's just awful and heartbreaking - yes let's definitely keep thread up freshstart - I need the support! Don't really want to talk to my mum friends there as their girls are in the class and part of the problem - and I dont' want to make an even bigger issue of it. Or make DD look like a victim. Not yet anyway. So anxious/hopeful that today will have been a better day. I hope that for your little ones too.

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Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 14:25

and sorry for you and you DD too Motherwell. Really hope for you - and me - that's it's just early stages and they'll find some pals soon

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Original poster

pjsgalore · 18/09/2017 14:28

AND for you WalkanTalk - just heartbreaking. I suppose we have to recognise that we can't keep them safe from all of life's hurdles...and they're now away from us and have to start forming their own coping mechanisms and making their own way a bit etc - but it doesn't make it any less horrible!!

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