Girls in reception not being friendly to DD - SOB!

[pjsgalore]

I think/hope I'm over-worrying this....and that someone can just reassure me ....as it's only been two weeks since my DD has started school....

BUT a few times since she started Reception two weeks ago, my DD, 4 (one of the younger ones but quite mature) has come back from school feeling down - and saying "when I go near the girls they move away from me". And one particular girl wouldn't allow her to play with her and another girl - according to my DD.

Now, I have an older son, and I remember him saying "nobody" when I asked him who he played with at break times - when I soon discovered that wasn't true at all and he had tonnes of friends. So I WAS taking it with a pinch of salt. However, this weekend I took her to our first school birthday party and saw exactly what my DD was talking about. Every group of girls she approached either totally ignored her - or sort of ran off. It was heartbreaking!! And my normally irrepressibly happy little girl ended up with eyes filled with tears on my lap trying hard not to actually cry.

It's a class of 21 - with 14 girls, 10 of whom have been together since nursery so have already formed firm friendships. These friendships seem to be in twos. My DD is sociable, friendly, fun and outgoing, so I thought the social aspect would be relatively easy. And I do understand these other girls don't know her yet - and she can't just immediately expect to be loved.

I've arranged a playdate with another newbie on Wednesday. I'm not sure what else to do. There is nothing else I can do is there? Except maybe keep arranging playdates? Is it normal for girls to be like this at first? Aaargghhhh. HELP. Can't stop worrying about it!!

I'd really love to know what motivates someone so young to leave another child out! I know they're all so young so I doubt it's motivated by a want to be nasty?
I don't know but the girl who tried to stop others playing with dd in reception is now 13 and hangs round with the bully girls at high school. Luckily dd hangs round with a lovely bunch of girls. There are nice girls at all ages, you just need to work out which are which!

Will be keeping an eye on this thread ! Considering alot of programmes/books normally centre on being a good friend...being kind etc etc. I don't understand where the mentality of these children come from... right from wrong is literally drilled into them from all walks of life !

IME it can be boys too.

In our case I think it was a power struggle situation. One boy in particular wanted to belong to the 'in' group of boys, and achieved that by putting my DS down, manipulating him, tricking him, rejecting him, isolating him, and even spitting in his face. Bigging himself up by denigrating my DS.
And at the birthday parties it was the girls all happily running around whereas DS and a couple of other boys were isolated and rejected.

School in our case WAS helpful, at least initially. Main problem boy was very clever at being nasty though and the nastiness evolved into less tangible things, that the school wasn't able to do anything about.

As we had identified the key culprit quite early on, what we did was to steer DS away from him, making it less easy for him to reject/make fun of DS. We did that by (jointly) identifying other children he could play with and practising (role playing) walking away, telling the teacher, etc. We also asked the teacher to steer DS away from that particular boy and towards other children, which she did, for a while.

After about half a year and a lot of support from us with play dates etc DS had built himself an alternative little group. He is happy. But even now, three years later, there is still a lot of tension between the two boys and whenever they happen to be thrown together, the other boy uses the opportunity to belittle DS (e.g. hissing 'idiot' at him in passing when no teachers are within hearing shot/sight).

Back in reception, DS was completely thrown. He just wanted to be friends and couldn't understand why he was treated so. He has mostly stopped wanting to be friends which was the key to being able to move on and form other friendships, and no longer being hurt. He still is invariably polite towards this boy though and doesn't return the awful treatment in kind.

From that perspective I'd say no to inviting the 'queen bee' for a playdate (we did early on try a playdate with that particular boy and he just used it as an opportunity to upset my DS). We told DS that the other boy was clearly finding it hard being kind to people (other children suffered from him too) and that until he had learned to be kinder, we'd rather not do too much with him. (But that that was of course not any excuse to be unkind to him in return.)

This is a key reason why I think starting school at 4 is too young. How on earth is a 4yo meant to deal with these kind of social hierarchy struggles? And what huge negative effect this kind of bullying might have on such a young child. At least at nurseries the children are supervised at all times. In reception they tend to have long 'free play' chunks of time, in addition to break time, where they are basically unsupervised.
(Things got a lot better for DS in Y1 when they stopped having 'play based learning'.)

An example for that boy using play dates for upsetting DS: He'd come in the door screaming and shouting and struggling against his mum, saying 'I don't want to go to (DS name) house, don't make me' then being fine for a while, then continuing to say to DS 'I don't really want to be here, I'm only here because my mum made me come' and things like 'only babies like that type of toy' etc about DS stuff.
When all along DS had been excited that that boy was coming, and was looking forward to a chance of playing with each other and being friends.

I came on here to ask for advice as I feel DD is in a similar position. This is the start of her second full week and she had a wobble about going in today, just like she did on Friday.

I ask her who she's played with and she says nobody. She also says the others didn't want to play with her. She's sociable so I really struggle to believe she doesn't gravitate to the other kids so I'm beginning to wonder if she's asking but they're saying no. I don't want to push it as I feel if I ask much more she'll realise it's a big deal. She's got a party at the weekend which I think is girls only so I'm interested and concerned to see what happens.

She's also in a similar position to others in that the majority of the kids all went to the pre-school so already know each other.

I'm wondering if I should leave it to the end of the week or contact the teacher and ask what she's like in class/the playground? Parent's evening is a month away.

brill god your poor little boy. Interesting how it does sound like a power thing, but how strange that a 4 YO would be concerned with such things! Weird!

And PJ totally, you just want to protect them don't you. I know they have to learn that some people are just best avoided, but horrible while they do learn.

Dd had good day today

She played briefly with a girl from her class in the playground after school. Two boys also shouted to her and waved.

How did everyone elses dc get on?

miaow that is exactly how my dd is usually!

fresh Yaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!

DD2 has just started reception too. She seems completely oblivious to all of the other children in the class. Complete opposite to DD1who was forming tight friendships from day 1. Not sure if this is partly because DD2 is very young in the year.

fresh that's brilliant. DD was happy and smiling when I picked her up and said school was 'good'. She didn't mention any playing - and I was a bit loathe to ask because I don't really want to make it an even bigger issue. I've arranged ANOTHER playdate with another newbie...so two in a week! Slight overkill I know....eeek!

Sadly my DD did say again about the one girl in particular not wanting her to play with them...but in a relatively non-commital not too worried way. IT is the same name coming up - so I think I may have the ringleader.

Funnily enough my older DS (Y2) has also been complaining about this same girl in reception, the same one, - saying she's being throwing balls at people then when the older kids tell her to stop she tells them to shut up etc...so will be keeping a beady eye/ear out.... It's weird - I've met her mum and her mum seems sweet!!

brill honestly - what a fricking nightmare. Mean mean boy. Sounds like your DS is so lovely - he'll go far!!

logo here with you, feeling your pain. My DD also sociable. Let's hope it's just a stage because they all knew each other from before. AAARGH!! So worrying!!

*loath

Talk to the teacher - if they are any good then "DD doesn't understand why X won't play with her. Can you keep an eye on the situation please" will probably trigger some circle time discussion about being kind and friendly and some extra monitoring (especially if it tallies with other information the teacher has). After all - reception is about all the children learning to cope with a busy social and working environment.

Thanks Perspicacia - this is exactly what I'll do. Maybe you too logo?
I think I'll give it till Friday - and if it's same old situ will ask to speak to her teacher - who just exudes loveliness - so hopefully will step in.

Reception teachers are usually brilliant at helping with this kind of thing. My just-4yo struggled socially in reception and was sometimes on her own at lunchtime play. I spoke to the teacher and she assigned her a buddy for lunch for a while and paired her up with other children for tasks etc. She was doing fine by the end of year R. I also did a couple of playdates but not loads.

Now I can't decide whether to ask her for a playdate, like my DD wants, as I'm worried she might say no!! I do know her mum and her mum is lovely.

Invite her dm to come for a coffee and chat and they can play together.

Does the school have anything in place to help? At ds school they have a friendship bench in the playground. If a child feels a bit lost and has no one to play with they can sit on it. Other children encouraged to reach out to those on the bench...or one of the assistants will help them out

This has happened to my dd who's in year 1. I've signed her up to other classes outside of school which is great because it encourages her to talk to other children.

There was one girl in question who, I think, is actually quite insecure and therefore "hoards" children and cannot understand why people won't play with just her. So I don't have ill will towards her as she's only young. I've created a bit of distance between her and my dd because dd really likes her!

Ive encouraged dd to play with other children and told her things to try (eg smiling, saying hello how are you etc etc) which has helped a bit. I also spoke to the teacher who has encouraged other friendships.