Feel like turning down 1st choice primary school but can't.

[CanIhave]

I'm really in a state about this and wanted to find out how other people would deal with this situation.

My DD has been accepted for her 1st choice primary school. Fab - wonderful Ofsted, teachers etc. But (many) the parents (mainly mums I'm afraid) are a known nightmare. I've run across a few of them at her preschool, and I'm talking BMW and Mercedes 4 wheel-drives, Waitrose, and anyone not living in anything less than a £1 million house is studiously ignored in favour of lots of air kissing between those who do (many of them). In many weeks of waiting outside preschool for DD, I have rarely been smiled at or talked with any of them (despite trying). Only thing they wanted to know was which primary DD would be going to!

Unfortunately, their attitudes are carried over to their kids, who made life very unpleasant for DD at preschool (ignoring her and refusing to let her join in etc) with one little charmer even taking to regularly hitting her (pre school staff ignored this because this mum was one of the 'in' crowd that they don't want to upset). In the end I just took her out. (These kids will be going on to the primary she is going to).

Shes been doing fine since being home with me, when suddenly the "You've been accepted to your 1st choice school" letter plopped onto the mat. Everyone's been telling me how happy I should feel, but actually I feel quite sick inside at the prospect of having to see these mums (twice a day) and DD having to see their kids. DD has told me that if she has to see any of them she will "run out of the school and run away."

I spoke to another mum (whose daughter is now leaving the school) and her comments were: "If you think that lot (of mums) are bad up at the preschool, you wait until you see them in action at the school. They think they run the show."

I've desperately rung round the other schools in the area, but all are saying that they are now full, can put me on their waiting list, but don't hold out too much hope etc.

What to do?????

Hmm Difficult one. To be honest, you may have left it a bit late to try to change schools now.

It might not be as bad as you think. I think you will find there are lots of threads on here talking about 'cliquiness' of mums at the school gate, and more often than not someone pops in and points out that what often comes across as 'standoffishness' [sp - ] may in fact be shyness, uncertainty on the part of the other mums.

If it really is a good school I'd be inclined to roll up my sleeves, get 'stuck in' and make an effort to find the Mums who are more like you (there must be some!).

Is it possible that your DD is reacting to your comments about the parents/ children?

The parents at the school are well known for their behaviour. I actually met someone who taught there once and she said that they were a "major problem." There have even been fights between two groups of parents in the playground (believe it or not). The atmosphere at pick ups and drop offs is awful, desperate.

Haven't mentioned how I feel to DD by the way. Tried to get her excited about going but she has assured me she'll run off if she sees any of them again (which is actually how I feel too!)

I would just put up with it.
If it means your daughter is getting a good education.
You don't have to be mates with these women.
And you may find another mum or two jusst like you when you start going there.
Likewise for your DD she will find girls like her, I am sure they can't all be nasty.

It is a really bad situation. Some friends of mine have opted for other schools because of how their childminders have been made to feel by these women and have hence refused to to drop offs etc at the pre school or primary!! They don't want to lose their childminders and so have gone along with it. Any childminders that I have spoken to (thinking of starting work soon) have also told me of their 'preferred schools' for picking up from (and its not just for convenience sakes!

Unfortunately, I didn't know any of this when I was making the school application.

How many classes in each year group - if two classes then not all 60 parents can be like this!?

school is very different from pre-school. In reception the focus is very much on social behaviour, forming friendships etc so the teacher and assistant/s should be ensuring that your dd has a good experience of school.

If there are any hitting / bullying issues these must, by law, be dealt with; the school will have a bullying policy which you can insist is adhered to.

Before you start, when you have a visit, you should inform the teacher how nervous your dd is about those particular children and this should be kept an eye on.

For you, at pick up and drop off, just smile pleasantly at everyone and keep quiet, you will soon notice the nicer people, they won't absolutely all be that bad. And it is not obligatory to get on with people at the school gates. Spend the time talking to your dd instead!

i can see why you're worried but i think maybe you are crossing bridges before you come to them. See how it goes.

I think you need to make your decision based on your DD's all round education not on the mums that frequent the school.

Are you sure that htey are really that bad?

Why don't you just resolve to get stuck in - invite one child home to play once a week and get friendships for your DD established.

TBH, and I am trying to say this nicely, is it possible you need to show a bit more backbone? You need to get the school to deal with the issues of caring for your child and whipping her out of school just lets the school get away with not enforcing its own rules on bullying.

It sounds grim but schools are much bigger than nurseries and I'm sure there will be more children (and mums) to dilute the awfulness of the in group. I'm also sure there must be childminders tough enough not to be intimidated.

Good luck.

Thanks sunnyside up.Know this sounds negative, but some of the assistants that work in the Reception class also work in the preschool (small small world) and are friends with these mums. The preschool wouldn't do anything about the bullying and took the "its not happening" route with me, until it all got out of control. I don't know how influenced the teachers would be by these assistants. Basically, its a situation where everybody knows everybody else (and their business).

Tough one, canIhave, and I don't envy you. I can see why this would be enough to put you off.

I agree with what a lot of the other posters have said. Firstly, there's not a lot you can do about it now, as the other schools are full. Secondly, your DD will be getting s good education at this school, and you need to keep that firmly in your sights, and remember that it is the most important thing.

If I were you - start your DD at the school, she will meet nice children, if it's as good a school as you say, then hopefully they'll have an effective anti-bullying policy, and will stamp out any problems. Don't let these stupid false women put you off, I know how daunting it can seem. At drop off and pick up times, you've got two options - SAS style - head down, in and out as quick as you can - or give as good as you get.

If the worse comes to the worse, you'll have to move her, and you'll find this easier later in the year when the scramble for places at this time of year is over.

Oh, and get yourself a copy of The Playground Mafia

Good Luck.

God, to imagine there's bullying at pre-school

I think with pre-school it is the lack of ability of the staff that is the issue if socialisation/hitting problems are present. I don't think bullies are really truely born until about y2ish, ime.

It would worry me more about the standard of the teaching staff ability than it would about the parents really.

Soapbox. An example of these cliques are when they set up a parents group for the pre school. While I was standing there waiting for DD to come out they invited all their favourite mums to join (in front of me and some childminders) - I wasn't invited! It was selection by houseprice, hubby's job and car model from what I could see. They also "lobbied" the preschool in terms of who should be selected for certain roles in the Xmas play!

Have spoken to just about every Childminder on the list!

The school are at fault though - these things should be properly constituted through the school, not the mums at teh school gates.

The school should not be pandering to cliques!

By parents' group do you mean SPA or PTA? Official fundraising sort of thing or just a group who hang out together?

I don't see how you can stop people making friends with who they want to. But the teachers should deal smartly with bad behaviour and that includes bullying, making other children feel uncomfortable etc, hitting....

Make friendships / allegiances with the childminders and the children they mind. If everyone who behaves normally keeps fleeing, what hope is there? I'm sorry your dd was upset, but life is much more structured in school than in nursery or pre-school.
Can your dd have some of the childminded chldren to play some time?
Are there really 30 horrible mothers in this school?

It sounds truly truly horrible - for both of you.
How v depressing that people can get like that.

surely if the school is so fab, half the local kids are on the waiting list?????

So if you put your dd down at all the toher local schools, there may be a chance you get in if you turn down the first chance?

if she is a late birthday i wouldn't even panic- if she starts school a little late where is the harm?

FWIW my ds1 attends a great school where he doesn't fit in and its not owrth it.

Perhaps you could make an appointment to talk to headteacher about your concerns before Sept. In fact asap so these children are not in your dc class if at all possible.

Sobernow and CanIHave, I'm really sorry to hear this for both of you
I agree totally with Soapbox that the school should not be complicit in this. My primary school was "run" by a very ineffectual and cowardly head who was controlled by two teachers with children at the school, plus other parents whose children socialised with theirs.
This was nearly 40 yrs ago. The school is now a fab one. I thought stuff like this went out years ago, truly
But, you know, I do also agree that not ALL the mums can be like this at the school - only the ones who shout loudest.
We have a rather heartily sociable clique in our year and to the casual observer they might appear exclusive and intimidating. I've kept things pleasant, but prefer to spend time chatting to the other mums on the periphery of this gang. We are quieter but more numerous And leave our party animals and air kissers to it.

I know people are saying - can all 30 mums be like this? But, the ones who do drop offs and pick ups are (some are also in a group who do drop offs and pick ups for other mums so this narrows down the number).

There was one mum who was really nice and we got on well, but she tried to get on with these cliques and they just ignored her everytime she spoke. She kept trying and trying and I could hear her voice cracking everytime she tried to get into conversations with them. In the end she stopped doing drop offs and pick ups and sent her parents to do it at different times than normal!

I don't know how it will work if I turn down the place and everywhere else is full.

I think you and your DD might be stronger than you think - you only need 2 or 3 mums to talk to, to make things bearable in the playground.

Talk to the school first and share your concerns and see what they think!

There must be others driven to doing what this poor mum has had to, I am sure of it. Not least because bullies have to have targets, so not everyone in the class can be the clique. Don't let them win