Another Reception starting worries thread..

[DavetheCat2001]

Sorry, I know there is one here already but my worries stem from the fact that my daughter who is starting R in just over 3 weeks only turned 4 on Saturday just gone.

I've been getting bits and pieces of her uniform bought..shoes last week, polo shirts and a jumper today and a few things from the supermarket..socks, tights etc. It just seems she is so little and I know I am going to have a lot of tears and upset on my hands as she is very clingy to me in particular

Both my kids are staying with OH's mum and dad this week, and despite having done this many times before, she had her usual 'don't go mummy' moment. She was fine, but I know from experience that when taken anywhere she isn't 100% familiar with, she melts down and I just know the first few days/weeks at school are going to be like this.

Any tips? I have the home visit on the 11th Sept, and on the 15th she goes in for a full day but with only 10 or so other kids from the class as a sort of gentler phase-in, although it is still a full day (9-3.15).

I did speak briefly to the EYC, but she seemed a bit dismissive and said I just need to leave her there and hanging about isn't a good idea..the sooner I go, the quicker she'll settle.

I just can't bear the thought of the tears I'm going to have. I intend to raise this with her class teacher at the home visit.

I don't think holding her back and missing R year would be a good idea however as I think that first year is probably really important for building confidence/getting to know the other children/teachers etc..

She just looks so little still....

Aww, bless you. My little boy is starting reception too. His birthday is in June but he was a preemie and his development is 2 years behind his actual age. He's still in nappies. No advice, just a friendly person to panic with!

It is better not to hang round but leave her with a teacher and go quickly.
However I would use the next few weeks to talk to her about the school.
Show her pictures of the school. Are there some on their web site.
Talk about what they are going to do in school.
Read her books about starting school.
Take her to the school so she gets used to the walk etc.
The home visit will be great for her. Talk to the teacher but try to do an activity with her and the teacher - mark making or jigsaw or something. Make it about your D forming a relationship with the teacher.

Thanks elliejjtiny

I'm in no way a precious mother, and I actually think my DD is pretty kick-arse when she finds her feet and that she is ready for a school environment. I think it's just so soon after her turning 4, and she is so clingy to me at the moment, despite being a little madam with me as well in equal measure!

She still has her dummy at night too..I've been trying to get rid of it, but she gets so tearful and it helps settle her at night..I dunno, she just seems very toddler-ish still, if that makes sense!

Thanks for the tips Silverdream

Fortunately she knows the school pretty well already as my son is going into Y2, and she has been walking the school run with him since he started in R.

There was also a 'meet the teacher' session in July in the R playground so all the kids starting in her class + parents got a chance to meet each other and the teacher and TA, so she knows where the classroom is and the playground as Reception have their own separate one from the rest of the school.

When I have mentioned starting school she's said things like 'I don't want to go..I want to stay at home with you mummy', so think it's going to be a bit of a battle.

Good tips though..thank you.

Does she need to go if she's just turned 4? I thought reception was children closer to 5 not just turned 4. I may be wrong.

Dts are going into year 2 now but I felt the same - they are a late august birthday, they still napped in the day!

They were absolutely fine - we had tears on day 3 which was hideous one of them had to be dragged off me by the head and screamed all the way in BUT after that they were absolutely fine.

We weighed up all the pros and cons and it was the best option not to defer (we could have done on medical grounds as they were actually due to be born in the October).

They were monumentally tired though.

You can hold your child back I believe..not sure if you have to miss the whole of the Reception year, or if you can start them in a later R term, but I'd like her to settle in as quickly as possible.

Tiredness is something that I am fully expecting. She has been going to a childminder 2 days a week since she was very little, and is usually shattered, but has had the odd afternoon nap if needed. Obviously she won't have this opportunity in school so I'm sure she is going to be really exhausted.

Dts school has a reading corner in the classroom with big cushions - quite a few of them used to drop off after lunch towards the end of the week!

My preemie dts had just turned 4 when they started, they were fine. The teachers and TAs are used to working with the littleys and will give them plenty of down time if they need it.
I used to work in foundation stage and it really is just fun and playing, adult led activities and phonics sessions tend to be applied gradually.

My DS was 10 yesterday and was fine the first day of school. We used the summer to prepare by discussing what would happen. We phased out naps over the summer too.
You really need to ditch the dummy !! 4 is a ridiculous age for a Neurotypical kid to need a dummy.... You'll probably find your anxiety is rubbing off on her!
You need to be super confident and positive about it all!
My DS excelled at school and still excels now way beyond his older peers .... He also has high functioning autism and a social communication disorder!

Fill her with confidence, stop babying and let her grow!!!

I'm not babying her. She is very confident, believe me. Just a bit clingy.. she's only just turned 4!

I am aware the dummy needs to go.

Some advice from a mum of a clingy child..

Treat in facts..

You are going to school to learn.All children go at 4 ( yes I know there are exceptions however 4 year olds think in black and white) ..You are going to learn to read stories just like your DB.

With dummies..Old enough to do the dummy fairy. tie to tree, fairies take them present in morning..dummy missing is very short lived.

Yes do leave quickly..My DS was left crying in teachers arms on first steeling in day..10 minutes crying in cloakroom then got over it...Long goodbyes lead to more tears..

When you have the home visit, mention your concern to the teacher and ask about the morning routine. Then you can talk DD through exactly how it works. "So, I'll come in with you and we can put your bag on the peg, then we wave bye bye and you go and sit on the carpet with the teacher..." or whatever it is. I think a lot of the wobble is about not know what happens next, so the more mystery you can take away the better.

And also if they know in advance a particular child might get upset they can be ready with the distraction.

You might be surprised though - DS cried the whole time at our settling in visit at preschool, and that was with me still there. We were all worried and preschool offered extra settling in sessions with me there if needed (not something they usually do at all). We told DS stories about DS having fun at preschool all weekend and the next week he trotted off happily hand in hand with the teacher.

Did your daughter not go to nursery in school last year? Is that not something all schools do?
My son is 4 and starting school this year but last year he did half days, full uniform etc so it doesn't feel like a big thing to him or me

P.s I found last year it helped to tell him how excited I was he was going to make lots of new friends in school, by the time he started he couldn't wait to run off and leave me

Is that not something all schools do?
No, not all schools do. In our old area most did, in our new area none do, most of the preschools are independent charity run things. Surprisingly different from just moving to the next county!

That's a shame, I feel really lucky we had the option

You say she's 'kick arse' yet also at the moment 'clingy'.

It could be she is feeding off YOUR anxieties. It's hard. I wasn't like this with mine (although he is Autumn born and went to nursery at the school plus I'm a teacher too so know how kids settle).

The best thing you can do is to hype up being excited, talking about it, go past the school a few times, talk about what you loved doing at school etc.

When the day comes, don't hang around for the 'big kiss and cuddle' and cut out the 'emotional speeches'. It sounds so, so harsh but believe me, if you look anxious, upset and unsure and you hang about, it makes little ones fear the unknown.

My own son's school had them start full time from day one. Parents were allowed in on day one only to help them navigate the peg and carpet area. I went in, showed him his peg, told him to hang stuff up and then went to the classroom door. I said; "See you later, have a good day" and blew a kiss and immediately turned and walked out.

When I have little ones cry on their first day back (they still do as high up as Y3) I tell parents to give a quick kiss, goodbye and simply go! 99% of the time, child has stopped crying by the time their bottom hits the carpet and for those pulling at my arm in a desperate attempt to grab 'mum' back, they stop as soon as they cannot see 'mum'.

It's heart wrenching when your 4 year old (even older) screams for you but actually I do think half the time they do that for YOUR benefit and to make you feel guilty. Don't.

I would agree on the leave quickly thing. My 9 year old has cried at drop off so many times and it's awful leaving them upset but it really is worse if you hang around or get upset yourself. On the last day of the summer term I watched the headmaster manhandle my screaming 9 year old into the classroom and when he was out of sight and earshot I had a bit of a cry myself. I felt horrible leaving him but by the time I got home there was a message on my answering machine saying he was fine.

My ds has also only just turned 4 in the last week. He still looks very young and I would certainly describe him as toddlerish. He went to the school nursery 2 days a week last year and loved it and is very excited to start his new class. All the other children and friends he had made are all turning 5 September/October time, all look so much older than him. I'm nervous for him and know he will be absolutely exhausted. Also debated holding him back a year but he come on so much in the nursery during the last few months I am hoping he will cope. He can now write his name and recognises numbers up to 10. Seems a lot for them to be doing full time school when only just four doesn't it? Two weeks today until the big day.

You say she's 'kick arse' yet also at the moment 'clingy'.
I totally agree with your advice banging, "bye have a lovely day" is my dropping off children line too. But don't agree with clingy/confident being in any way an unusual behaviour or the parent's fault. Seems pretty normal at 4. Also particularly in the summer before school starts when I've seen a lot of DC's friends acting a bit babyish - they know there's a big change coming up.

Even DS who was clingy without the confident was just fine starting school, they taught him the drill well and he quickly transferred the clinginess to a strong attachment to his teacher. No tears, not once. Reception teachers are bloody brilliant at this stuff.

On the last day of the summer term I watched the headmaster manhandle my screaming 9 year old into the classroom and when he was out of sight and earshot I had a bit of a cry myself.

That's actually rather horrible and I'm finding it hard to imagine a circumstance where I'd allow it as a parent. I'd hate for OP to think that's the norm. Never seen a reception teacher manhandling screaming kids into DC's reception class or any other reception class I've seen at their school. A few tears and a TA's hand to hold, maybe. And even that was only 2-3 children in a class of 30.

give it a try as scheduled but if you have genuine concerns in the weeks and months to come you could consider her only attending half days.

I'm on the same boat, although my DD is some months older. She was sleeping with dummies until a couple of months ago. She held one in her hand and had one in her mouth. It was a great comfort thing and only allowed it for night time, so never were in a rush to wean get off it. She didn't have a comfort blanket or soft toy (bit for lack of trying, she wouldn't accept them as her lovey), but the dummy was definitely the one thing she would hold to. Sometimes just holding it in the hand was enough. Anyway, we had been reading the dummy fairy for over a year, when she turned 3. Asking occasionally if she wanted to give the dummy to her, or during Christmas if she wanted to give it to Santa. Nothing. "Another day, mummy". Then she probably had some discussion about it at nursery with other children, because one week she came saying "X hasn't got a dummy", the next week "X got this amazing toy from the dummy fairy" and shortly after "I think I want X and she can take the dummy". They all disappeared the night after (had to get the toy)! First night she was a bit "can we get new ones?", but not a single tear. She surprised me. Maybe yours does the same. She was like that with day nappies too. She said one day (3yo just) "I don't want more nappies" and that was it! I'm not stressing anymore about these things, she does tell me when she's ready. Obviously, school is a different thing!

Yes re the dummy thing, my son had one until the night before he turned 4.

I had tried weening him off it for a year or so but he just wasn't ready to give it up.

He just said to me the night before his birthday ' I don't need thia anymore', handed it to me and that was that. Never mentioned it or asked for it again.

DD likes to sleep with two as well, one in her hand. It's a strange comfort thing.

Thanks..yes I will definitely will be breezy and non-emotional and will walk away swiftly. I can just forsee what is going to happen, but I'm sure mine won't be the only one.

There's a boy in DS's class who cries and clings to his mum/dad pretty much every day of drop off and she is worrying already that this will continue into Y2. He seems really confident (he's been for playdates at our house), so just goes to show just because a child is outwardly confident, they may still have anxiety about certain things.