Just so upset with my 8yo DD

[dfghj]

My daughters are generally very nice kids - polite well spoken and doing well at school...

Tonight i am just devastated to hear from the 8yo that as part of a circle time ddiscussion about bad language she confided in the teacher that "mummy shouts fu*king hell when she's angry".
This is total nonsense. The worst I've ever said is bloody hell and that's usually under my breath and in extreme situations. I also never really get stressed with homework as they manage it fine and I'm not some mad alpha parent!
The thought that a) my daughter has said that at school and b) the teacher will never think of me in the same light has left me horrified.
It is a small private school and I'm a regular volunteer. I feel I can't show my face ever again.
My daughter had no explanation for why she said it and is very upset.
I can't see a way back from it. 😥😥😥

Jeez over reaction much? Can't show your face? What a load of tosh. Get a grip!!

Teachers believe about 10% of what they hear, unless they have very good reason to think otherwise.

Yes give a mild punishment for lying IF you must but don't make this into some massive issue or your daughter will stop confiding in you. She's at that critical age 8 for all the "you can't be my friend any more/we don't play with her" queen of the clique palaver to start and you need to know what's going on in her life.

Even "naice" kids at private schools swear loads - I know! Most have heard and tried out the F word for shock factor before the age of 8 believe me - even if they did just pick it up from the gardener/butler/chauffeur

My 8yo, at the weekend, said "X's mummy says 'Fucking Hell' when she's angry, or dropped something". He knows full well the F word is completely off-limits for him, and he was severely reprimanded. He stubbornly refused to apologise (he said it in front of septuagenarian granny!) as he states "it's not offensive"!
I told him I was offended by it coming from an 8yo's mouth.
He knows he was in serious trouble, and hasn't mentioned it again.

You are over reacting, but I can sort of understand why.
If you genuinely don't swear in front of your DD, being wrongly accused of it (by your very own DD!) is hurtful.

She is a child though, and they do say complete rubbish sometimes.

DS has a vivid birthmark on the back of his head and neck. His hair usually covers it, but during the summer his hair got lighter and it became noticeable. One of the lunch time supervisors asked him what he had done and for reasons known only to him, he told her that our dog had bitten him I'm assuming from embarrassment, but who knows?!

You really need to let this go, annoying as it is. She's probably feeling guilty and disloyal anyway.

So we just get annoyed with our kids and punish them if they commit murder? No wonder the country's going to the dogs

Omg I wondered what had been going wrong all these years. The country can now unfuck itself if all is parents just go and seriously over react to something very very very minor

I wouldn't bat an eyelid and would take it as most people normally saying that in anger at some point.
I agree re: addressing the lying with your dd. That could become more of an issue and with schools being pretty hot on safeguarding etc. she can't really say what she likes.
Can you speak to her during a fairly quiet time, outlining why that could be a serious thing to say? I think that kids sometimes need to be told things in a straightforward way with clear consequences.
If it continues, possibly a visit to the school?

kids ...even 8 year olds... need to understand consequences ... reactions to actions... and such..

she made a verbal statement to a group of her peers and a teacher.. which was either exaggerated or untrue...

the consequences being Mummy has been left humiliated by this statement ...

She needs to understand what has happened x

Have you seriously never told a lie OP? She's 8 years old, made an error of judgement on the spur of the moment and you are completely overreacting.

. Do you really read books with swearing in but never swear yourself? That seems very odd to me. does it? I read some very sweary things and watch sweary programs but don't actually swear myself. I don't know why that would be odd.

Anyway OP, it's a bit of an overreaction. Children report all sorts of things to their teachers, true or not. I agree it sounds like she wanted to have something to say to 'join in' and contextually it makes perfect sense. Children just don't have the impulse control that adults do. Please don't be too harsh on her, it probably just popped into her head and she blurted it out without a single thought. You must have done some stupid things when you were a child too?

Ok, punish her for lying - then punish yourself for leaving age inappropriate reading material where an eight year old could access it, and leaving her unsupervised long enough to read it... Or was that a mistake? Like your dd made.

Of course people could argue that allowing children to access age inappropriate materials is what's wrong with the world today...

I would be annoyed about the lying to get attention, and involving other people in the lie. Docking a week's pocket money seems a reasonable punishment to me.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to punish her for lying, especially a lie about another person doing a "bad thing".

Don't be ashamed about showing your face in school though - the teacher will have forgotten about it by this time next week.

My DD told her teacher that she went to church every Sunday - totally made up nonsense

TA is one of my dc's class told me of the time she went to parent's evening with her dh. They sat down together and the teacher looked very nervous.
Teacher started with something along the lines of:
"I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, let's discuss how we can help your dc through this."

Their faces were
Turned out dc had given a long and detailed (over 6-8 weeks) description of a violent and acrimonious divorce, including being taken off in tears in several occasions.
All totally made up, and they never found out why they did it.

The teacher wool be used to far worse. It may cause her to smirk momentarily, but as most teachers do 50 to 60 hour weeks I doubt it will take to much of her mind space.
Yes, give your child a consequence for lying, but you sound very up tight, and quite chilly.

She needs the natural consequence. Let her see it's hurt you and how the lying was unkind.

Punishing her is the wrong message, she will never trust you if she has to tell you something unsavoury as she will worry it will get the same reaction.

Move on OP - ask the teacher 'their advice' on how to handle the lie. Explain that this is new territory. Teacher will see it was a fib that way and teacher will advise as they have seen it before.

Relax a bit. Teenage years ahead ... !

My 8 year old dd and her friend told their teacher and all their friends that there was a mouse living in the lost property tub (which was in an outside area with no lid). They were very imaginative and said that they had caught it by its tail and played with it and that it had nibbled a few clothes lol !! It was a very realistic lie...... needless to say it all turned out to be a hoax, but the school did move the list property tub inside, and put a lid on it lol !!

My friends DS told his teacher in Y1 that his mum had had a baby girl the night before so he had a new baby sister. Complete lie that was found out when the teacher congratulated his mum!

It matters nit ine tiny fuck what her teacher thinks if you! I was secretary of the pfa so all dd's teachers knew i shout fuck and worse when i angry.

This is more about your "image" with the school than your dd.

Do you usually go OTT with "punishment" for insignificant stuff? personally i think that contributes more to bad behaviour later on than a balancedapproach to parenting.

Oh and i think you'll find its the government sending the country to the dogs

Does your husband have a mouth like a navvy maybe?

Seriously what are you most annoyed about, that she knew a swear word or she lied? Also it seems like a very random lesson!

Also how did you find this out? Did the teacher tell you or did your daughter confess?

You do sound a bit... uptight.

We used to have loads of bamboo trees in our garden. In one of my daughter's play date which we usually invite a friend of hers, the girl said I have a serious bamboo allergy. For at least 3 play dates I was always on tender hook every time they play anywhere near the bamboo trees. Then in one of the play date I spoke to her mom accidently that what a strange allegy she has and her mom just laughed off and said no she isnt allegic to it, they have loads in their garden, she must have seen her dad got a little scratches when he tidied them up so she didnt like it.

Kids hear swearing, even if you don't swear. She probably felt under pressure to say something in the meeting with teacher and mimicked what somebody else had just said, about her mum swearing.

I'd have reminded her that we don't like swearing, and that it's not nice to blame others for why you've done something wrong. But, everybody makes mistakes, it's a chance to learn and do better next time. Remind her you love her and don't expect her to be perfect but as long as she's always trying her best that's good enough.

And then get over it.

Not sure why the fact that it is a small, private school has any bearing at all on the matter. Yes, it was wrong for your DD to lie about you swearing but she then (unprompted?) admitted to it. I would concentrate on why she did that? As for never being able to show your face again, seriously, unclench the pearls and carry on as normal! If this is the worst thing you have to worry about, your life must be golden.

I can remember when I was a little kid, (about 6 or 7) we had to do a writing exercise about where we live.

I lived in a two bed terrace with mum, stepdad, a dog and and lovely long back garden. It was great. And just like all my friends homes.

So I wrote a very detailed account of my life in the block of flats with a big playroom on the top floor where my mum was the cleaner. We had a parrot not a dog, and my Stepdad lived in a flat on a different floor.

My bizarre lies about life in a high rise we're uncovered when the teacher asked my mum if they needed any second hand toys for the communal playroom

I lied because it sounded more interesting than the truth, and I wanted the teacher to take notice of me.

Please don't punish your daughter. She's just doing what kids do. The lie wasn't malicious- it wasn't deliberate- it was a child's way of "having something to say"/ standing out in a group situation.

My 10YO wrote in his news jotter that we had made him cross a rickety rope-bridge to test it before his DF and I did!

I told my teacher that we had a pet pig.

If you make a big deal of your humiliation you will teach your DD that you put a huge amount of importance on what other people think about you. Better to tell her that if she makes things up people will find out and stop believing her when she tells the truth.

The teacher probably won't believe her anyway, especially as she knows you. Teachers aren't daft. Even if she does think there might be some truth in this, she won't bat an eyelid. On the other hand if you make a big thing of it she might think you have a guilty conscience.

I would gently ask your DD why she made something up. This is likely to be the best learning outcome for her. If you punish her and let her know you're furious/humiliated etc she will only learn that telling porkies makes you angry and the opportunity to think about being your own person in a group will have passed.