Badly behaved child or negative nursery?

[christmaseveinthesnow]

Help! I feel quite churned up about this and readily admit I'm being pfb so need perspective and advice please.
So my ds aged 4 has been in a school nursery since last Easter. During that time he has only received one certificate (for settling in) been star of the day once (on his birthday) and gets his daily sticker for good behaviour rarely.
However, when I ask how he's been I always get told he's "fine, lovely, great" etc. No issues.
He's made some brilliant progress now as he can read and spell simple words, write his name and some simple sentences and can count to 30, recognise numbers to 10.
Does all his homework including a large amount of homework over half term which apparently nobody else did, according to staff.
But has never had any praise for his achievements.
The last few days he's been naughty.
Throwing clothes about in the home corner, picking his nose, messing with his shoes and generally not listening.
They've been quick to tell him he can't have his stickers as he's "a big boy now and knows how to behave" and to report it to me.
Fine, I've supported the school, taken his advent calendar away for the weekend and sent him to bed early tonight with a good talking to.
But, I'm feeling quite tearful, I know my child isn't perfect, he's strong minded and likes his own way and can be easily distracted.
I just feel like the positives aren't balancing the negatives. If he's good, achieves and does the right thing that's normal, expected and not worthy of praise but if he's naughty he needs to be punished.
Am I being ridiculous? Do I need to pull my little snowflakey head in? Or should I have a chat to the school about how I feel?

By the way I work in the school so am very keen not to rock the boat.

I don't think you are being snowflakey, I agree with you. It's possible any naughtiness is because he just gets ignored when being good and sees other children get recognition (i assume) and has given up trying to be good, or feels unhappy there for some reason. Sounds like he needs more praise and positivity.

He might be thinking that he gets no attention when good, so may as well get it for being naughty.

Having been in a similar situation I wouldn't punish him for a minor school infringement at home if they've already punished him at school. If he was hitting or something I would but for the things you mention I would let school deal with it and I would be reinforcing the good things (and punishing naughtiness) like mad at home to get the balance you want.

Are they making a big thing of it or are you asking them about the lack of stickers and therefore finding out about this behaviour? If he's largely ok with whatever is happening don't rock the boat would be my advice!

I've just re-read and noticed you work at the school. This must make things difficult and tempting to ask about him more than you would otherwise but I would try very hard to just drop him in the morning and pick him up and read or whatever they recommend, no more and wait for feedback on parents evening.

Thanks both of you, that's helpful. Pizza, was your situation resolved?
Yes I did ask about the stickers but I did that because he's been crying at bedtime asking me why he's never star if the day and why he didn't get his sticker. I've been VERY hands off so far as I really didn't want to be a pain and cause a bad atmosphere, however I was finding it really hard seeing him upset and couldn't understand it myself. However, now they've come back to me with all these minor "crimes" it's made me feel like he generally doesn't have a good attitude at nursery and they just haven't liked to raise it with me.
That's why I punished him..... Gave him a warning and a chance to turn things around but then today more complaints so I did punish him.
He's an only and long awaited child for both of us and I'm a bit paranoid about him turning into a spoilt brat!!

School had punished him already with no stickers.

Find something positive to say and give him his advent calendar

I think it's a bit harsh to take away the advent calender of a four year old. What has he done?

He is 4 not 14

You took away a 4 year old's advent calendar?

No, I put it in the cupboard for tomorrow(he knows where it is and that he's getting it back, just missing door number 3)
He was naughty and got warned that he would miss a day on his advent calendar if he didn't make an effort the next day. Picked him up and got told he hadn't made an effort, had been silly, not listening, answering back....
I felt like I had to do something as nursery made me feel like he's a really naughty boy and as I just said, I really don't want him to be bratty. But now I'm doubting the situation and asking for advice.

Oh good god - give this poor wee man his advent calendar back RIGHT NOW! It is bad enough him getting a raw deal at nursery without that spilling over into home. If you work at the school maybe they are falling over themselves not to show any favouritism; but I have to say that whatever the cause home must not take over where they have left off.

There are so few magic Christmases before they grow up - please don't take this away from him. I am a grandma and mine seemed to grew up in the blink of an eye.

Fuck supporting the school - you must support your child.

Thanks Blossom, I get what you're saying. He does have a pretty magical Christmas though (bordering on spoilt?) and tomorrow will be pretty magical anyway as several exciting events will be taking place. I get what you're saying though.

"I felt like I had to do something as nursery made me feel like he's a really naughty boy " - oh good grief - YOU are the parent - he is your wee lad. Let him open that advent calendar.

The only thing that I regret after 3 children, now in their 30s and 40s, was the one occasion when I was too strict about a punishment that took away a privilege - it breaks my heart to think about it now. She has forgiven me now - but should not have had to.

So you used some minor incident at nursery to nick one of his advent calendar chocolates? I hope that door number three is still intact so you can change or mind. Pleaseeee this is not a suitable punishment.

Strange or unusual punishments is not the way to bring up well behaved children.

Oh ok, I see how this is going.
Look am feeling crap, hoped for some good advice about the nursery but bash the op is more fun.
Enjoy yourselves then, think I may have to leave you to it though.
I'm doing my best.

Op I'm a nursery reacher. First of all, all children have bad days and with the excitement of Christmas and tiredness it could well have been out of character. I wouldn't worry too much. I would be more concerned that he is upset at home about not getting rewards. Maybe a light hearted chat with his teacher to find out about his general might put your mind at rest. Sometimes the ok behaved children do slip through the net when it comes to praise. Alternatively his behaviour may not be good and that's why he loses out. Either way it's better to bring up your concerns. I am always apply to try and put parents' minds at rest or look into situations. Enjoy your weekend.

Ugh. The autocorrect in MN is harsh.

Not bashing the OP at all - just saying that from my experience this is not an appropriate punishment and might in the long run be counter-productive. The child will feel resentful about this with good reason and that is not the way to gain his co-operation in the long term towards good behaviour.

OP you are doing a brilliant job! You can't go back on your punishment now anyway, and it's not terrible I would do the same.

I think you should talk to the nursery. I think he'll respond better to positive reinforcement (stars) than punishments. If you can't change that, then how about a star chart at home? Maybe ask the teacher how he was and let him stick a star up if he was good.

Why don't you, OP, give him a sticker every day for something good he's done or for doing his best at something? And absolutely don't punish at home for something trivial that happened elsewhere. Poor little boy.

OP...don't feel bad, we can see you care and think you're doing the right thing and after all none of us really know. Sometimes you can try too much to get to the bottom of stuff though and I think just leave school to school until they approach you or you have serious concerns. If he's upset about the stickers, tell him he can't have one every day and to just try really hard on Monday to listen and do as he's told.

All little boys are silly at times and Christmas and birthdays always make them a bit sillier in my experience! But he needs to work out the discipline thing himself at school and you punish him for breaking your rules.

Yes my situation was several years ago and he still pushes some boundaries at times but generally gets good feedback. When things were bad he was in a negative cycle of not understanding what was expected of him, then he became the naughty one, then behaved accordingly.

I would talk to teacher and say can he have a fresh slate after Christmas and the odd sticker for good behaviour whilst also punishing the bad behaviour as they would anyway. Say you think he's in a negative spiral and want to try a positive one. Give it to half term in spring I'm sure it'll be better.

I'm more shocked at the fact they have homework in nursery. Is it normal nursery?

I had assumed the homework was looking at Jolly Phonics letters etc. but you're right, a large amount over half term seems excessive at any age let alone nursery!

Are you kidding me, they speak to the parents when a 4 year old picks his nose?! They must spend hours speaking to parents every day!! And why is 'messing with his shoe's such a heinous crime?! Not listening and answering back - not great obviously but he's still little and it would be a strange nursery class that was filled with quiet children who always listen.

I would introduce some rewards of your own at home. Get the kids some stickers you can give him. Reward him yourself for doing his homework, bless him.

I get why you took his advent calendar, you did it with the best of intentions, you're trying to do your very best for him. But I think the nursery sound harsh to me though and I think they're coming down on him hard enough.

OP
I really wouldn't worry so much about him being "spoilt".
He's an only child. So what? He is your child. You can give him as little or as much as you would like.
It doesn't mean he will turn into a brat if you buy him lots of presents. He doesn't have to be a snob because he doesn't have to wear hand me downs. He doesn't automatically not share because he's an only child.
He's missing out on siblings so maybe he needs stuff/love/attention more as he's on his own?

Sorry but you keep saying how you try not to spoil him and it triggers (my step dad said I was spoilt as I was an only child. He also thought that buying me new school uniform - when desperately needed - was spoiling me so hey ho)

Obviously no offence meant to people with more than one child!

It's a really hard balance. Don't worry you're doing what you can.

I think there is a difference between being silly and throwing clothes etc and answering back or not listening. Maybe work on those last two. You can always have your own stickers and when you pick him up ask if he has been OK and if so give him a sticker?
Maybe say to them that he has been feeling upset about not getting a sticker and could they keep an eye out.