Badly behaved child or negative nursery?

[christmaseveinthesnow]

Help! I feel quite churned up about this and readily admit I'm being pfb so need perspective and advice please.
So my ds aged 4 has been in a school nursery since last Easter. During that time he has only received one certificate (for settling in) been star of the day once (on his birthday) and gets his daily sticker for good behaviour rarely.
However, when I ask how he's been I always get told he's "fine, lovely, great" etc. No issues.
He's made some brilliant progress now as he can read and spell simple words, write his name and some simple sentences and can count to 30, recognise numbers to 10.
Does all his homework including a large amount of homework over half term which apparently nobody else did, according to staff.
But has never had any praise for his achievements.
The last few days he's been naughty.
Throwing clothes about in the home corner, picking his nose, messing with his shoes and generally not listening.
They've been quick to tell him he can't have his stickers as he's "a big boy now and knows how to behave" and to report it to me.
Fine, I've supported the school, taken his advent calendar away for the weekend and sent him to bed early tonight with a good talking to.
But, I'm feeling quite tearful, I know my child isn't perfect, he's strong minded and likes his own way and can be easily distracted.
I just feel like the positives aren't balancing the negatives. If he's good, achieves and does the right thing that's normal, expected and not worthy of praise but if he's naughty he needs to be punished.
Am I being ridiculous? Do I need to pull my little snowflakey head in? Or should I have a chat to the school about how I feel?

By the way I work in the school so am very keen not to rock the boat.

Do the other children get stickers and certificates every day?

He will not be able to make a meaningful connection between behaviour at nursery and his advent calendar. Think about what you are trying to achieve. It may just make him angry with you and less likely to listen. Ps Why should someone be punished for picking their nose? It's flu season and they can't blow properly.

Op it's obvious you want to do right by your son. I think it sounds like he's fed up of being picked up on what seem like very minor and very normal everyday things for a 4yo. Meanwhile his positives are not being acknowledged. I personally hate stickers as they're positive apparently but, when you don't, it's negative especially if the adults at school and home make something of them. You know what they say, being made to feel bad doesn't make you want to be better... you can row back on your punishment imo, it was obviously and understandably a reaction to how you were feeling.. I would tell him you had thought about it, you made a mistake and decided he can have day three after all. Dobt make it conditional. Spend some time tihetger and show him it's him that matters, not his behaviour-he may be seeing the two as the same right now. A positive relationship with ironically what will promote positive behaviour, rather than all this emphasis on bloody rewards and punishment. (Referring to general obsession with this type of thing in s

...in some quarters. (Sent too soon)

*don't
*together!

I think the answer to the question in your thread title is "negative nursery".

All of those behaviours you mention sound fairly normal for a 4yr-old. At my children's nursery they would have encouraged him to use a tissue, reminded him about not throwing things and then asked him to tidy up the mess he'd made, and encouraged him to pay attention (where appropriate). The only 'punishment' would have been something like a quick time-out to calm down if needed.

The 'daily sticker unless you misbehave' approach sounds odd. At that age I would expect any punishments to be immediate, not left until the end of the session.

If they are determined to punish what they view as bad behaviour, then they should be equally consistent with praising the good behaviour too. It doesn't sound as though this is happening.

I would be shocked at a nursery child being given "a large amount of homework". It sounds as though they have high expectations of young children. He may be "a big boy" compared to some of the younger nursery children but he is still only little.

At this time of year the children tend to get very excited about all the Christmas things they see around them. Mix that in with a bit of tiredness caused by 'end-of-termitis' and behaviour tends to go downhill.

"messing with his shoes isn't a heinous crime"

Believe me when I say it is.

If you have ever sat in a class with children doing up and undoing the Velcro on their shoes ( one starts, they all start), you would not make that statement. Also fiddling with laces, undoing them, attempting to do them up again then "Miss, can you do my shoes?"more times in a day than I care to remember

In a class fair enough but this kid is in nursery. He's not even old enough to be in school full time!

Don't worry too much about the star of the week. Dd is year 2 and has already twigged that there is a kind of rota and everyone gets one in the end. Once they realize this they relax. She is more motivated by HOUSE points which they get for good work etc.

It's the same with my dd.she's at primary school,and because she's normally really well behaved she doesn't get a lot of praise for it because that's just her.
at her school I think it's normally the children who aren't always well behaved that get certificates/stickers to encourage them to be good all the time.
I'm not saying it's the same every school,so please don't think if your child gets lots of certificates and stickers I'm implying they're not well behaved.it's just an observation I have made of my dds school.

Op,perhaps it will help to talk to the staff to see if they can reward the good behaviour more?
perhaps your ds is misbehaving because he thinks "I'm not getting rewarded for good behaviour,so why should I bother being good?"

My DS (who is now 6) still speaks of the class he was in for 1 term last year as 'the angry teacher and the class that hated him' - he was so upset, and down, and it was, indeed, because of a negative atmosphere rather than him, so it can have a huge effect.

This year he's exactly the same distractible kid, but the teacher deals with it differently, and he would move heaven and earth for her (when he's not away with the fairies) - he's so enthusiastic to be there and get his work done well.

It was the difference between a teacher who said he wouldn't do his work without constant reminders, and a teacher who says that with reminders, he completes his work well. Ie. The same problem, but a completely different attitude to it.

If, around you, he seems to be a good kid, albeit a 4 year old and therefore a touch flighty, then I might have a chat with the nursery, and see if they can switch to praise from punishment - some kids just do much better that way.