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Original poster

How to handle 8yo DD pilfering school supplies

49 replies

Shurelyshomemistake · 30/11/2016 21:38

DD has just appeared crying and very upset to tell me that she got caught stealing a small craft supply type thing at school today. The teacher caught her red handed and reportedly called her out in front of the whole class (DDS version). She says she felt very embarrassed and ashamed.

We had a chat about how stealing, even small things, was wrong and she has decided she wants to write something letter to the teacher to say sorry. She clearly felt very very bad and I didn't want to heap shame on her and told her we all make mistakes etc. But is there anything else I should be doing? From talking to friend's it seems minor theft is commonish at this age ....just wondering what others have done in similar situations.

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pklme · 30/11/2016 21:42

I'd go with a regular reminder- no shame- 'is there anything you need to take back today? Have you brought anything home that you shouldn't have?' If she can quietly return anything she has acquired, she will learn to control her impulses.
It's pretty normal, not a big deal, just needing a bit of support to lose the habit.

pklme · 30/11/2016 21:43

I've been a teacher- some kids are like magpies!

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 30/11/2016 21:46

Palme- Thankyou very much. Impulse control is a big issue she struggles with.

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user789653241 · 30/11/2016 22:35

I find it shocking to hear someone says minor theft is common at that age.....is it really true?

pklme · 30/11/2016 22:38

There are games you can play which help with impulse control. Choose a cue word -sausages. She has a beanbag to throw to you, but only when you say sausages. Then you say similar words: socks, sherbet, chocolate, sausages. She mustn't throw till sausages. Try different actions, different cues. She must focus, listen, process, check- then act.

LOts of excitement, lots of fun.

Games like grandmothers footsteps, what's the time mr wolf, are similar.

pklme · 30/11/2016 22:42

It's not really deliberate theft, more a woolliness about communal property. Also,some children are very tactile and just love handling stuff. It slips into their pockets. They don't go rooting through other people's bags, just pick things, up fiddle a bit and then pocket them.

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 30/11/2016 23:06

Those tips on dealing with impulse control are great, thanks Pklme.

Minor theft is very normal at around this age, unless I am literally surrounded by proto-criminals. Two friends' children have pocketed money from their parents, one shoplifted a kinder egg.... When I was DD's age I helped myself to a Topic bar in a local shop, but then felt so guilty I filled it with something or other (I think it was sand or soil or something) after eating and replaced it. I am such a rule-follower and moral person now. So I am trying to use this as a moral life lesson for DD, and also a "well done for opening up to me and asking me for understanding and help" sort of thing (which I never had as a child.... just the approbation and shaming that was considered normal, 'good' parenting in the '70s.)

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pklme · 01/12/2016 05:32

Yep, that sounds familiar! I'm such a straight arrow now, but I had very light fingers as a nipper. Harsh parenting, too. I'm much gentler with my DCs, and they are delightful young adults with a strong moral compass.

Witchend · 01/12/2016 13:37

Is it really common at 8yo though?
I've heard reception/year 1 teachers talk about it, but I thought it really wasn't as much a junior side issue.

If it was genuinely taking it, not a slipped into pocket mistake, then I would be having serious words as she knew it was wrong.

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 20:04

It is a normalish thing, right?? Witchend you have me doubting myself now.

I wasn't sure what was to be gained by serious words. She was mortified, I could tell. I was kind of proud of her for fessing up to me. That takes guts.

What does the jury say? Should I have been more hardliners??

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Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 20:06

Hardline. Not Hardliners!.

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user789653241 · 01/12/2016 20:12

I hope it's not normal at age 8. I really dread if it was. And I hope the parents take this seriously.

But I think teacher should have handled it privately, not in front of other children.

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 20:23

I really did take it seriously. I just didn't see the point in punishing and heaping on the shame further. Not taking it seriously would surely be just saying "oh dear never mind, it was only an xyz" ... I just remember being shamed for misdemeanours. It has stayed with me for life and taken me years to realise I'm not a bad person after all.

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MazDazzle · 01/12/2016 20:25

Your poor DD. Sad

I have an 8 yr old DD. This would absolutely mortify her.

I'm a teacher. It happens all the time.

"Oooo my fancy stapler seems to have vanished. Can we all check our bags and pockets. I wonder if someone's packed it away by mistake? Let's all have a wander round the room and see if anyone can find it.'

And voila it reappears.

Be thankful that she was able to tell you and that she is upset. Clearly she feels she can confide in you and she is obviously feeling guilty. The hardcore stealers shrug it off and don't care. It's lovely that she wants to write a letter apologising.

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 20:26

And I do think, kids do weird, uncool, unacceptable things right up until adulthood. I certainly did. But miraculously I turned out OK: no criminal record, good job, good solid home life ...

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Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 20:28

Thanks very much MazDazzle. Makes me feel less hand-wringy :D

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pklme · 01/12/2016 21:18

It really is normal- maybe lots of people don't realise because teachers usually handle it more sensitively. There is a reason schools don't like children bringing in toys, cards, fancy pens...keeping track of exciting items is a nightmare. Some children mislay stuff a lot, some do constant swapsies, others 'acquire stuff'. It's a constant hassle.

Original poster
Shurelyshomemistake · 01/12/2016 21:22

Thanks to you as well pkmle . I suspected my corner of the home counties wasn't really a unique hotbed of child crime :D

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jamdonut · 01/12/2016 22:59

Some children think that because a child has an identical toy (or what have you) to something they have at home, that that child has 'stolen' theirs!

This is why we ask children not to bring any kind of toy in from home - it causes so many problems and upset...we just don't have the time to sort it out. We have had to ban trading cards (again), because they are a constant source of conflict.

There are also children (one in particular in the class I work in) who think it is okay to help themselves to craft items: straws, lolly sticks, pom-poms, sequins etc, etc. The child I have in mind, we have to constantly ask her to put things back. Mum is helpful and brings things back.
The worst thing that gets 'pilfered' is blu-tak . We lose pounds of the stuff because children think it is ok to peel it off things on display, then sit there playing with it, while pictures, labels ,certificates etc are left lying on the floor! It's got to a point where you just hold your hand out and they come and put it in it! It sounds petty, but it's a big problem!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/12/2016 23:15

It doesn't sound petty to me! I don't know anyone who did things like this when I was at school. I work in secondary and am shocked at the lack of boundaries that kids seem to have nowadays. Respecting other people's property doesn't seem to come under their radar.

I think the primary school teachers on this thread have a lot to answer for! I'm sick of kids leaning over my desk picking up my water bottle and other property with their grubby mitts while they're talking to me as if it's just normal.

No, it's NOT normal (but is becoming more common these days, which that it's not a common developmental stage, it is a learned behaviour and I don't think primary school is too early to start teaching them some boundaries. I think pussyfooting around suggesting that maybe someone has picked something up by accident may well get the item back but it doesn't get to the root of the problem.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/12/2016 23:17

Sorry my reply was to Pklme, not you, OP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/12/2016 23:20

I do think our culture today relies very much on instant satisfaction and no need for impulse control. Children are not taught that they are not entitled to something just because they want it, or how to deal with delayed gratification.

TheRollingCrone · 01/12/2016 23:25

I will hold up hands on dds behalf. She cannot walk past blu tack. Surely it is a slippery slope to full villainy and a trial at the Bailey

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 01/12/2016 23:37

Probably not TheRollingCrone, but it is a pain in the arse to constantly have things on display falling down, and it is disrespectful when somebody has spent time sticking things up for a child to come along and mess about with them.

pklme · 02/12/2016 07:26

Allpizzas, now that I've never seen! Running fingers across the wall as they walk, yes. Fiddling with the edges as they line up, yes. Deliberately removing blu tack?! I'd be fuming.

When children reach out and fiddle, I remind them to keep their hands to themselves. I teach them to respect each other's property etc. I have a quiet word about leaving things where they belong.

But I don't shame them in front of the class, or tell them they are a thief because that teaches something different from impulse control.

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