Have some concerns about ds's reception teacher. This is my first experience of teachers, could do with advice, don't know if they are valid or if I'm over reacting

[northerner]

Ds is 4.8, he started reception partime last september, full time in Jan.

Since January his behaviour in and out of school has gone down hill.

She has spoken to me on many ocassions about his bahaviour. She does this at the end of the school day, in the playground. When she talks to me, she talks at me and is clearly very upset/adjitated. It will be ovbious to other parents what she is talking to me about.

More often than not she tells me in front of ds he has made bad choices, not been helful/pushed his friends etc etc. She sums it up with 'All in all NOT a good day for xxxxx'

He has recently developed a tic (constantly clearing his throat) which I believe is stress related. She had pulled him up about making this noise so I told her not to, as the GP advised us to ignore it. So what does she do today? Mentions it again in a negative way in front of him.

Also, whilst she was talking to me, a girls from ds's class tried to butt in as she wanted to chat to teh teacher (like 4 yr olds do) The teacher held out her hand in a 'talk to the hand way' about an inch from this girls face and said in a loud voice NOT NOW I AM TALKING.

I feel she is clearly not handling ds well.

Am I over reacting or should I chat to teh head?

Thanks for reading.

Over reacting I think.
You can't control other people's communication styles,even if they don't please you.

I would however set down in writing that she is not to mention the throat clearing and have the head sent a copy too.

oh I don't know, she sounds quite strict to me

can they be expected to be angels at 4?

disagree moondog

she sounds too strict for the kids and your poor ds doesnt sound happy at all and its not surprising his behaviour has changed if shes on his case a lot during the day, poor chap. id go and chat with the head, nice and friendly but getting across exactly what youve told us here.good luck

she does sound strict, but I wouldn't go running to the head, ask if you can see her at the end of the day first and air your issues with her, give her a chance to reply
if you still aren't happy I'd go to the head at that point

Thats what I feel Olive. We chose this school because of their nurturing environement blah blah blah. I understand some of teh behaviour is unacceptable, but what about the good stuff? He's not naughty all day FGS. Whys so negative. Most days I come away feeling shit, ds has had negativity from his teacher then from me at home.

He should be enjoying school.

The way she spoke to the little girl really shocked me tbh.

I wouldn't feel happy with that either Northerner.

Whilst I think to an extent you have to 'put up' with the hand you are dealt with teachers, I do feel very sorry that your DS has had such a bad experience of teachers so early in his school life.

My DD had a crap teacher in her first term in reception, always making negative comments (not to DD particularly, but in general). DD just shut off completely and became and unhappy withdrawn child! So I went to the head and got her moved into the other reception class, where she absolutely flourished straight away. The Head saw me two weeks after she was moved and just shook her head and said - 'you were right, how could we have got it so wrong, I am really sorry'!

I think it would be worth a trip into school to see the Head, if nothing else is achieved, it puts down the marker that you have expectations of the school and expectations for your child and you will work with the school to achieve these for your child.

I would most definitely put in writing that the facial tic must in no way be drawn attention to, and further you do not want his behaviour to be discussed in his, or anyone else's presence!

I would start the note by saying how disappointed you were that your verbal instructions had not been complied with, blah de blah!

I'm not an all guns blazing person, but I am very good at expressing disappointment, with a long, long silence after the delivery of this message, for good measure!

Northerner, I think you're right to be concerned.

My DDs reception teacher was not at all like this - if a child interrupted whilst she was talking, she just held their hand, or put a hand on their arm or round their shoulder - they knew what she meant.

She was lovely and bugger me, only about 26! I (and DD1)loved her.

She never used outwardly negative language, more concentarting on the positive aspects of behaviour she was working to.

Your Ds's teacher DOES sound like DD's Yr1 teacher, who we're really not enamoured with - however we do try to support her decisions etc. whilst keeping perspective with DD.

As for mentioning him clearing his throat..well she sounds to me like a teacher out of her depth I'm afraid.

You have my sympathies - very diff situation...

you're over reacting, but that's understandable. The problem here is your son's behaviour, saying the teacher for handling it badly isn't going to help.

First tell her you don't want his behaviour discussed in front of your son. Then make an appointment to see her, arrange for someone else to take your son home. Try and find out exactly what the problem is with your son's behaviour and agree a strategy to cope. Talk about how you handle behaviour problems at home. He shouldn't be pushing his friends and you may need to talk to him about that. You may want to have star charts for his behaviour and perhaps a book in which she writes down how the day has gone. Make it clear you want her to be positive with your son while not condoning bad behaviour.

Say that the nervous tic is to be ignored. Document what you've discussed after the meeting and how you've agreed to handle it. You and the teacher both want a child who is learning well and behaving themselves but youll only get that if you work together.

Don't think you are over-reacting. The tic thing is sad but is telling you something. He's not happy.

Thanks guys. This is really bothering me. Will sleep on it and decide what to do.

Northerner, I'm not surprised this is bothering you, my ds is in reception too and I would not be happy with this either.
Lot's of good suggestions here, don't think I can add anything better, let us know how you get on

Northerner - while you're obviously emotional I can completely understand why and I;m not sure I'd say over reacting - more concerned, and rightly so IMO. It's completely innappropriate for a teacher to discuss this sort of issue in the playground, in front of your child repeatedly and what she did to the other child was IMO just nasty.

I'd go with the other suggestions here, document the 'tic' thing and then you need to sit down with her indide and away from DS and plan a course of action you will both take to try and improve his behaviour.

A good friend of mine had serious issues with her son's reception teacher and unfortunately the head backed her staff member saying it was just her style. I don't know if there's much you can do except support DS and make sure he knows he can come to you always. However, I do think you need to ask her to stop approaching you in the playground, if it's serious enough for her to talk to you then she should be doing it 'properly' IYSWIM.

I don't think it's just your son that's suffering from stress by the sounds of it. I would say that her behaviour sounds as if she's struggling too! I don't think that sounds right at all. Children and teachers are supposed to treat each other with respect.

Could you arrange a proper meeting with her away from the other children and your DS? Maybe she will be calmer and more measured. You need her to suggest a strategy that will help your son not a litany of his faults. I don't think it makes a difference if it is 'her style' - it's a style that doesn't suit your child and, if she's the same with others, probably doesn't them either.

we had the same issue as you Northerner when DS1 was in reception last year. The teacher was constantly very negative and I felt like every pick-up was running the gauntlet of what he'd done wrong that day - he was 4.5 fgs!

Our teacher was also useless at communicating with the adults - culminating in my son breaking his arm in the playground and her leaving him with a broken arm until collection time

Our only saving grace was that we left mid year to go on our round the world trip, otherwise I would have demanded that he be moved to another class.

This year we found out that the same teacher was moving from Rec to Y1 I was less than happy and immediately requested that DS1 be put into the other class from the outset.

He is a changed child. Loves school and is so enthusiastic. Some children need positive feedback more than others.

FWIW I would have a discreet word with the Key Stage Head or the Head about this.

or if you feel brave enough, make an appointment with the teacher and discuss things openly (far better than my original idea in hindsight).

This doesn't sound right at all. Most children find it hard to adjust to reception, and many go through a phase of uncharacteristic difficult or stressed behaviour while they are bedding down. So in general, IME, Reception teachers are carefully picked to be almost superhuman in compassion and tolerance, and so they should be.
I agree with OrmIrian, I think the teacher is clearly struggling here and a meeting with her, not in front of other parents or children, would give you a chance to air your concerns northerner.
Can I just say though that odd little tics (a temporary stammer, saying "um" all the time) like your ds', were notuncommon in ds' Reception year (I can think of at least three, all little boys) and his teacher was absolutely wonderful. So your ds' throat clearing problem might have happened regardless, and should go pretty quickly...
I hope you can get this sorted.

Thanks everyone. OK, after sleeping on this I have decided to make an appointment with his teacher next week so we can have a chat.

I'll keep you posted.

Coming in late to this, on the throat-clearing thing, DS2 (5, and a little bit stressed I think at the moment - see my other thread) has developed a sniffing tic. I was telling him not to do it, and now I have decided just to ignore it.

Hope your meeting is helpful.

I think if you have a problem with her teaching style (which may well be a valid concer) it is at least polite to talk to the teacher about it first before you go over her head to the headmistress.

I always feel sad that in threads on MN the first action sugested seems to be 'Talk to the head'. How would you feel in your job if someone didn't talk to you first, and went straight to your boss? Would you feel a little defensive?

Well at pick up time today his teacher wasn't there so I asked his t assistant how his day had been, and gosh, this is the way to do it:

'xxxx did some fantastic singing today and drew som elovely pictures, he had fun today. There were a few moments where I had to remind him to make good choices both this morning and this afternoon. (then she looked directly at ds) But you have a lovely weekend and next week will be a really good week won't it?'

Ds beamed at her and nodded. I felt happier.

I feel that is the way to handle it.

sounds like a lovely assistant, praps she can teach the teacher how not to make a small child feel helpless and useless

hope you have agood weekend with your clever boy

I do worry about boys in reception. As a school governor, I've observed so many times boys 'getting into trouble' in reception class but they are just not able to sit still for long periods of time. We start them so young in this country and I think it is particularly hard on boys.
I'm not teacher bashing - I could never teach reception and remain sane - but there are some reception teachers who seem to have a problem with boys.

mog, do we really start them that young? i have heard that some countries dont start at school till they are 8 but could never quite believe it.im glad my eldest started 2weeks before his 5th birthday and youngest will start just before 5th birthday, i couldnt imagine them going at 4 years, miles too young.