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Original poster

TA picking on my DD

61 replies

mrbear444 · 16/06/2016 21:55

DD2 is in Year 4 but DD1 left last year and had had problems with a particular TA in her class so much so that she told me her friends had commented on it. She hadn't mentioned much to me beyond MrsX is mean etc but I did the normal support the school kind of thing. Throughout the year DD2 has told me a bout more and more incidents regarding this particular TA and what she has said to my DD. It comes and goes but again tonight she has said MrsX is being mean again. Yesterday she came home with ink on her trousers and shirt which won't come off now , grr! When I asked she said her pen had exploded all over her, her CM gave me the same explanation as the teacher had told her the same thing when she picked her up . Today she told me what happened more. After this happened some other children thought it would be fun to do the same thing. One child did it and was told off by the teacher, then another child did it three times. The teacher was cross and said to him that DDs was an accident but the others were clearly copycats and the child who did it three times was sent to another class. this was in front of the whole class, but after the teacher got on with the lesson the TA came over to DD and started to have a go at her for wasting expensive pens and said if she did it again she would be sent to the head teacher and have a letter home. DD was upset as she said the teacher had made it clear she understood it was a mistake and even the boy who did it three times didn't get that threatened to him.
I have mentioned my concerns before to the teacher by way of saying that DD feels this TA doesn't like her and gave a few examples of minor incidents but this is getting tot he point of bullying.
BTW this is the kind of school that if you make waves they take it out on your children. What can I do, i haven't made waves and this is what's happening I'm concerned it will be worse for her if I act.

OP posts:
Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 05:32

It's a parents job to protect their fucking kids! protect them by teaching them not to get sucked into this type of fantasy drama, which is boring and tedious for everyone around them, and ends up with the m being disliked and distrusted, particularly by the other kids

For goodness sake, this is a year 5 kid, why al the hand flinging and wailing even if she was pulled on the arm?

Firstly it is unlikely, secondly TAs are actually fully permitted to pull arms if it is necessary, you know! and thirdly, if her arm was pulled and it was unjustified, so what? so deal with it if it is such a big drama to you, but this would not leave a child too upset to speak, or a mother in such distress! that's just getting off on the drama.

What would be totally irresponsible is allowing a child to get away with this sort of manipulation. a pulled arm, for goodness sake! while arranging to get her fed!

angeldiver · 14/09/2016 05:53

longlost since when have TA's been allowed to physically pull along a child?
Restrain yes but man handling, are you sure?

I wouldn't be happy op and would certainly be having a word with school.

Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 06:13

to prevent them hurting themselves, hurting someone else, damaging their own property or damaging someone elses, full force is permitted.

Other than that, physical touching, guidance leading, holding, steering, etc etc is often appropriate.

Other than that, the whole story could be an invention.

We don't know which these were, but what ever it was, yes by all means investigate if it really bothers you. Personally I would be a lot more concerned by the child's playing this up to a big drama than I would about what did or didn't happen with the TA. In this case, the child's behaviour is very much more of concern than what she is accusing the TA of. I would recommend laughing it off.

A year 8 accused me of setting fire to them yesterday! If they have gone home and reported that to their mum, I'm assuming she would laugh it off.

I'm unlikely to be lucky enough to get suspended for an investigation, but I'm still a little bit hopeful.......

angeldiver · 14/09/2016 06:21

Ahh, you're a TA then?
Explains a lot Wink

headinhands · 14/09/2016 06:21

TA here. We use 'appropriate force' for the given situation. We would be permitted to pull/drag a child by the arm if they were in immediate danger such as in the path of an oncoming car or refusing to leave a burning building.

Some TAs have restraining quals for specific children with the agreement of parents. And then it's about preventing harm to themselves and others when it's been done.

SideEye · 14/09/2016 06:24

Teachers and TAs can also lead children or guide them physically.

There is no "no touch" rule at all.

angeldiver · 14/09/2016 06:31

I am aware of the danger removal/restraint.
Dragging a child to sort out lunch doesn't seem an appropriate use of force.
A hands on situation, rare that they are, will always result in an SLT debrief meeting at some point.

yeOldeTrout · 14/09/2016 07:57

Sounds like attention seeking by the DD.
She knows her sister got attn by having a conflict with the 1st difficult TA.
Now she's finding ways to oppose the 2nd one and provoke situations that she can talk about later.

t4nut · 14/09/2016 09:50

Sounds like a lot of drama and attention seeking - suspect 'dragging' means guiding or gentle direction - particularly if , as it seems. this child is a bit of a drama queen and was making a fuss.

As for the 'if my child came home and said they'd been dragged I'd be in the heads office like a crazed she bear' respondents - yes you might, then you'd get the real story, then you'd be leaving the heads office red faced and feeling silly and labelled 'that parent' and a time waster.

Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 18:33

Ahh, you're a TA then? no

Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 18:36

A hands on situation, rare that they are, will always result in an SLT debrief meeting at some point. I would spend most of my life being debriefed then..... out of interest, I counted the number of times I was "hands on" today, 12, mostly guidance when speaking wasn't appropriate, some occasions more assertive than others!

Sadly no suspension pending investigation into setting fire to year 8 student, apparently mum and head of year both laughed.

angeldiver · 14/09/2016 19:11

Are you a TA at a special school then long?
That seems a lot of hands on for a main stream school or are you just extremely tactile?

Original poster
mrbear444 · 14/09/2016 21:02

Sorry my mistake I came on here for advice and support.

At least I can get an idea of how DD felt when someone was unkind to her for no reason. It's clear that some of you just get off on that kind of thing. You haven't met my DD and I hope you never will. She is one of the kindest and most compassionate 9 year old children I know and it's people like you and the TA that destroy that in children.
You're right I need to show her that the world is a shitty place filled with people like you who come on and judge without even knowing the facts but that doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and let her believe it's OK to be that way.

OP posts:
ReggieJones · 14/09/2016 21:28

Are these two separate TAs or the same one? If you have reason to believe that this TA physically assaulted your child you should absolutely report it to the school. Be prepared for them to investigate the incident.

Original poster
mrbear444 · 14/09/2016 21:48

Thanks Reggie I've asked the school for an appointment to find out what happened, I haven't said anything other than she was very upset so have given them plenty of time to find out what exactly went on . it will be interesting to hear their side of it.

OP posts:
Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 22:19

That seems a lot of hands on for a main stream school or are you just extremely tactile?

this was a mainstream school, don't think I am more tactile than anyone else, just arranging children in circumstances where talking was inappropriate. I'm not a TA

Longlost10 · 14/09/2016 22:25

Sorry my mistake I came on here for advice and support. you have been given advise, take of your rose tinted spectacles as far as your daughter is concerned! She wasn't very upset in the evening about getting her arm pulled before lunch! Children are not too upset to talk in the evening about getting their arm pulled before lunch, they are really not, not unless it has actually been pulled out of its socket, or something! Not was she showing a normal reaction to having had any sort of incident of that kind happen at all, which would have been indignation, faux outrage, appeals for you to share this feelings. Being "too upset to talk", being "very upset" needing it all coaxed out of her reluctantly, all this smacks of a very manipulative little drama queen!All credit to her, this is behaviour that gets her what she wants. In all seriousness, for her own sake, she does need to be helped to grow out of this, the sooner the better.

Original poster
mrbear444 · 15/09/2016 07:34

longlost10 pleased to ear you know my DD so much better than I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrbear444 · 15/09/2016 07:40

longlost, thank you for helping me see things straight now. I'm so glad I came on for your invaluable advice, would you recommend corporal punishment for her behaviour so she knows what it's really like to be hurt just so she's clear she should never be upset ? Please do tell me how you 'care' for your DC when they are upset. Why don't you write some parenting books , clearly you know everything there is to know about everything and can deduce all sorts. I'll let DD know that she isn't allowed to be up[set anymore because that makes her a drama queen. Once again thank you xx

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 15/09/2016 07:44

People generally post on MN to get a range of opinions. Longlost has given you a different opinion and you've massively overreacted.

It would be in your DD's interests to listen to the other opinions. Issues with two different TAs does not look good, but I think the school are unaware of the first one, so won't matter for your meeting. It does sound odd that your daughter was "dragged" but it's also odd that she didn't tell you about it until much later and that she was so upset about it.

The things longlost and other are saying are relevant for your meeting. Going in all "I know my daughter" at your meeting won't help.

Unfortunately we've all sat there when parents say "my kid wouldn't do this/make this up/exaggerate" when we watched the entire thing and know how it happened.

fastdaytears · 15/09/2016 07:46

longlost did not tell you to hit your kid, no. Both of your children have reported a lot of problems with TAs at this school and statistically that is unlikely, so you need to consider that this is a pattern which they're repeating to get a reaction which they like from you.

iMatter · 15/09/2016 07:53

OP - longlost and others were simply giving you another side to consider. It might also be the same approach the school adopts, who knows. I think it's helpful to have a variety of views so you can understand how this incident (and others) might be viewed by others and if necessary deal with that.

Or you can be completely dismissive and sarcastic. Up to you I guess.

Anyway, I hope you get to the bottom of it.

bearleftmonkeyright · 15/09/2016 08:03

Op, long lost is a pretty forthright poster. I don't always always agree with them, in fact, I completely disagree with some threads this post has started but in this instance you need to pay attention. I am a TA, not highly experienced but I am quite tactile. I don't think you have the full story.

user789653241 · 15/09/2016 08:28

Bit confused here.
If your dd thinks this TA dislikes her, why does she go crying to her every time she was beaten up/ chased after by older children? Was she only one available in the playground?
I have personal experience of teacher being mean when I was in primary, so I do know nasty people exist. But still, you should calm down and find out what is really happening. If she was violent towards her, it need to be dealt with, but you really don't know the whole story yet.

angeldiver · 15/09/2016 08:34

OP, you know, as will most parents, whether your dd is prone to exaggeration or even lies.
I have one who is quite creative in recounting of events, the other is a facts only kind of child. Depending which child told me what would depend on what action I took if any.
I hope your meeting brings some answers and your dd is no longer upset.

Some TA's have a rather elevated view of their position in a school, hopefully this isn't one of them and she was just having snarky day where her patience had been worn thin.