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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

how long does it take to settle in foundation stage - having a horrid time!

63 replies

DimpledThighs · 14/01/2007 00:42

I know it is a bit like how long is a piece of string but I really need some idea of how long it is going to take us.

DD started school over a week ago. Her brother is already there, it is next to preschool and she knows the other children. She is a July birthday so one of the younger ones.

She has cried every day. It is breaking my heart. On friday ds told me that he had played with her at lunch time because she was standing on her own crying and sucking her glove - I thought she was only upset at the seperation from me in the morning, I did not realise she was crying intermittedly at school in the day. She refuses to talk about anything to do with school apart from the odd question like 'no school today is it mummy'.

I know it sounds sily but I am really upset about her being upset.

Can anyone tell me about how they settled their child or how long it took - please!

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pointydog · 15/01/2007 17:24

If it's proving hard to speak to the teacher, phone teh school and speak to the head and ask her to phone you back with details of how your dd is doing if the teacher can't get out of class - anything to give you some sort of reassurance or idea of how she is for the whole day!

NorksBride · 15/01/2007 17:29

Hello DT, how was DD at pick-up? Have you managed to speak to her teacher yet? Thinking of you today!

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 15/01/2007 19:34

thanks for your support everyone - mumsnet has been such a comfort at the moment.

I was told that she was fine today. I have still arranged to call the teacher tomorrow after school so will depend on how it goes in teh morning.

I have thought so much about all your posts - especially what SarahJaneSmith said - I am going to really play it down and act like nothing is happening until she comes to terms with the inevitability of it all.

She has said a few things, told me about the library and her lunch. She plays on her own at playtime but that will change I am sure.

I just hope they don't have to grapple her off me tomorrow- that was truely awful!

Thanks again everyone - esp. panada, norks bride and pointy dog. For some reason it is was very comforting that you checked how I was.

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pointydog · 15/01/2007 19:39

ABout the playtime thing - my dd1 used to say she played by herself at playtime when she first started school but it really didn't bother her at all. I, on the other hand, had to turn away to hide the tears!

Kaz33 · 15/01/2007 19:42

My friends DS1, who is a september baby and therefore one of the eldest, had to be peeled off her for a term - but now in year 1 he is a bright happy soul.

Stick with it, give her lots of praise for not crying, putting her coat on her peg - anything that you can think of. Attention for the good behaviour not the attention seeking.

Our school has a friendship bench where you can sit if you have no one to play with, and the teachers find you a playmate.

PandaG · 15/01/2007 19:46

really good idea to speak to the teacher out of earshot of DD. Glad they said she was ok during the day today. I came looking for this thread from our starting school thread !
hoping tomorrow is a better day, and that you have a good night's sleep tonight. PLease update us on what the teachers has to say tomorrow.

NorksBride · 15/01/2007 20:06

Oh that sounds much better (well OK, not the being prised from you screaming bit). But if she's settled during the day then that's a big improvement on last week. And you're beginning to get feedback about what she's up to. It may take a few more days of crying in the morning but, fingers crossed, she's well on the way to becoming a happy school girl!

Don't worry about the friends thing, she'll join in when she's ready (unless she already is but doesn't want to let on!).

SarahJaneSmith · 15/01/2007 21:01

Good luck for tomorrow.

Can she take a little thing in to play with at break time? I used to give my youngest a bouncy ball or a set of top-trumps just big enough to fit in his trouser pocket. That way, even if he felt too shy to ask someone to play he had something to occupy himself with. The lovely thing about a ball is that it is even more fun if someone plays with you.

All of my children have had to find their own way to settle, some took longer than others. They all got there in the end. It really does scar you much more than them which is why you will find such a lot of sympathetic shoulders here.

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 16/01/2007 14:17

thank you everyone for all the advice which I took very seriously. Well today she clung to my skirt so hard her little knuckes went white. She was clingy and quiet the whole time I was there. Then I said (no nonsense voice) "okay time for me to go now" and kissed her. She looked sad but waved her little hand and I left.

Thank you again everyone. Not out of the woods, but very close.

Your support has been amazing!

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PandaG · 16/01/2007 14:26

Hooray. So pleased to hear this DT. Hoping she is even better tomorrow

furcoatandnoknickers · 16/01/2007 22:02

well done DT and DT's d. Hope it just gets better and better. Inevitably will have low days but you are obviously taking the right tack with her, as I said only you will know what strengths/info your daughter needs. Keep up that calm strength!!
My dd2 came back today so v sad (age 9) - not picked for netball team, and so it goes on....

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 17/01/2007 13:08

cried and clung again today and I thought we were making progress.

Hate telling a tired, worried, upset 4 year old that she has to be brave.

Pants.

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TheWillowTree · 17/01/2007 13:23

DT I feel so sorry for you and your dd , but it will pass.

Thankfully mine were fine at school, but i have been there at nursery and it is really horribel, i have been in tears leaving. But she HAS to get used to going to school eventually unless you home ed

If she is really tired could you pick her up early one day to give her a break - she is still belwo compulsory school age so they should cooperate with you on this, or maybe give her a full day off on Wed and make it very boring, no firneds, no fun, and talk about all the fun she has at shcool.

I am sure playdates would help if you can arrange any - give her someone to talk to and about. A friend of ds arranged playdates with most of the amenable boy's parents before term started and in the initial weeks so they all got used to each other and 4 now have a strong bond (it helps that we mothers get on too!).

Good luck and hope things improve soon.

PandaG · 17/01/2007 13:30

Second all that Willow said. Hoping that you are having a good day yourself, and that you will have a better morning tomorrow. Hugs xx

please keep us updated.

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 18/01/2007 09:36

cried and clung again today. She has been there for two weeks and have only had three days when she hasn't cried and two of those were the first two days before she knew what was going on.

I feel wretched. DH picked me up afterwards to take me for a coffee but we ended up having a row, him along the lines of why can't you get a reality check and pull yourself together, she will learn. And me along the lines of why can't you understand that this is upsetting for me. I feel like he is implying that I am somehow escalting the situation, whereas I fell like I am doing everything I can to settle her and it is just not happening.

Two weeks!

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sunnysideup · 18/01/2007 10:39

Dimpled, I wish I could give you a HUGE hug...I really know how you feel and how gut wrenching it has been for you....my ds was the same for probably a week when he started last September, but our real problems came in December - he'd been off for nearly two weeks with a nasty virus, and BOY did he not want to go back. I had the rest of the term with him doing exactly as your dd is doing; ds gets up at 6am and one memorable morning I had him literally sobbing from 6 am to arriving at school at 9am. I'm not exaggerating when I say it was one of the hardest days of my life so I do understand how bad this is making you feel.

But just wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel, your Dd WILL settle. It is just a case of keeping on regardless unfortunately.

The thing is when they do settle, you suddenly see just how much they enjoy their day and it becomes easier to feel strong about putting up with any reluctance.

But I definitely think you need to make sure the teacher or helper is there for you and your dd at the moment....I used to stick ds with the class helper as he needed adult reassurance when I was leaving. Unfortunately they never offered or approached me to help but I made them help....maybe you could do this if the teacher isn't actually making any efforts to help you at drop off time?

I also have to leave as quickly as possible, ds needs it to be short and clear otherwise he still gets a bit anxious.....but he's fine, he waves me off smiling now. You WILL get there with your dd I promise! xxx

sunnysideup · 18/01/2007 10:47

Just wanted to add that these problems settling don't mean anything to how your child will actually do in reception....so don't worry about that side of things. My ds has settled beautifully despite his odd 3 weeks in december, he got the most lovely report from his teacher saying how delightful he is, and he has been chosen as 'child of the week' and had an award in a special assembly....he is basically thriving and doing beautifully.

I'll bet you within weeks this will be the case with your dd aswell. That's the nice bit, can't wait for you to get there as it's agony if you have an upset child every day.......x

juuule · 18/01/2007 10:49

Definitely agree that if your dd has to go to school then you should ensure that the teacher or helper is there to take your dd from you when you go in. They should be able to distract her from being upset as you leave. You say goodbye and they take her off to do 'something interesting' or sit on their knee while the others come in (lots of attention).
As for your dh, tell him that you are too upset by all this and it's his turn to take her in for the next fortnight.

exbury · 18/01/2007 11:37

DS was in nursery from 4 months, and we still went through the "cling and cry" thing for a couple of weeks every time he moved class. It was interestingly no worse when we moved house and he started at an entirely new school. The difference was that I was able to talk to him about it more. Have you tried asking your DD if there is anything that would make her feel better? They come up with the wierdest things - one muttered negotiation in the corridor with DS came up with that if I let him stay for after school club he would be brave and let me go without wailing - how wierd is that?! (they do serve "proper" tea at after school club - maybe my cooking is that bad )

Also absolutely agree - if your DH thinks it is not a big deal and a no-nonsense approach is needed, then let him be the one to take it - and your DD might feel more of a need to put on a brave face with Daddy? One friend of mine decided that taking her DD to nursery upset her too much and has made her DH do it.....for 3 years!!

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 18/01/2007 11:40

thank you for your kind words. I know deep down that she will settle but I feel like I have been waiting for ages. It is really wearing me down now and I am having to try really hard not to get upset - hence my tears the minute I leave school and DP telling me to pul myself together.

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mankyscotslass · 18/01/2007 11:44

You sounds worn out...maybe it is a good idea for your Dh to give you a break and take her a few times, although maybe that would shatter the consistency that you have been striving for.
Just to let you know, when my DS started reception in Spetember a set of twins went at the same time. They had been in the school nursery with him, but the little girl too school really badly, and it did take her a few weeks...but now she is quite happy to go and seems really settled...so i am sure you will get there!

puddle · 18/01/2007 11:46

Dimpled my son did this and I really really know how wretched it makes you feel.

He had to be peeled off my by the teaching assistant for about three weeks.

You need to break the pattern and this might be a time to look at the drop off again.

What helped in the end was his lovely teacher taking him by the hand from me and taking him into class.

My friend's dd has just been through a similar thing - the school suggested that she be met at the main door by a teaching assistant every day and walked quietly through the school to the classroom, rather than joining in the general melee at the door.

I would also speak to the teacher about how she is getting on in the day again, just to put your mind at rest. It turned out that part of ds's worries were to do with navigating playtime and lunchtime and not really being sure what he was doing - once the teacher had spent time with him taking him through things it got a lot better.

HTH - I well remember that awful feeling when you walk away and they are screaming after you!

exbury · 18/01/2007 11:50

"pull yourself together" is possibly the least helpful advice possible - but, funnily enough, exactly what my DH used to say when I would cry on & off all day if DS was upset when I dropped him off.

If you manage to talk to the teacher without DD, try and make a deal that they will tell you (by means of note, or whatever) if she is upset during the day. Mind you, I never believed them in my heart of hearts .

It does pass - but it is hell while it lasts.

Original poster

DimpledThighs · 18/01/2007 18:49

hell indeed - I had a large glass of wine at lunch time and my shoulders are still tense.

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Original poster

DimpledThighs · 18/01/2007 23:17

am not going to sleep well - dreading tomorrow.

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