I realise this sounds ridiculous...'register order'

[Deliaskis]

DD started reception in September. She has always been one of the quieter ones, and takes her time to dive into groups of children etc. She's actually very confident with adults, but less assertive with children. We're trying to work on this with her and help her speak up for herself etc.

This is the ridiculous bit, but I would appreciate thoughts nevertheless (even if they are that I need to get over it). At school, they seem to do a lot of things in 'register order'. They sit in register order on the carpet, they go in each morning in register order, they go to lunch and sit in register order to eat, they obviously do a lot of things in class in register order (e.g. 1-2-1 reading starts at the top and they work down). Our surname begins with 'Wy', so obviously DD is last for everything, at the back of every line, last to read, last to go in, last for lots of things.

I know there is nothing the school can do about where we fall in the alphabet, but what I have now seen happening is that DD is hanging back at other activities (e.g. at a sport she does where they take turns, at Rainbows etc.), just assuming her place in everything is last. For a girl who is not naturally self-confident and assertive, I am starting to worry a little about whether this is becoming baggage at an early age that is unnecessary. Obviously we try and tell her that register order only matters at school, but it's hard to get it through.

Am I being ridiculous? Probably. Is there anything I can do about it? Probably not. Is it worth talking to her teacher about how to help her confidence and how to explain to her that register order is actually completely unimportant and she is not destined to a life of being last at everything? This is the bit I need help with.

Prepared to be a bit ridiculed....

D

*form numbers

I was a T surname and was constantly last all through primary and second from last at secondary. I always said that when I married I would move up.
I actually moved down, but interestingly none of the dc have ever commented.

I never remember missing out on anything due to it, just the having to wait I hated (even to say here, miss) because you had to concentrate all the way through the register.
At secondary a lot of teachers sat you in alphabetical order until they knew your names. Never minded that as best friend was next to me.

But my maternal Grandad was 2nd in the register when he was at school and he used to tell a story about school poetry lesson. They had a poem to learn a week, he was a quick learner so I doubt it took him long. Then they all had to recite it. They did that in alphabetical order.
What irritated him was that Smith, at the bottom of the alphabet had most of the lesson to memorise it, so spent the lesson doing that. He didn't need to bother knowing it beforehand.
One day the teacher came in and said. "I'm going to listen to your homework now. But I'm not going to do it in the usual order. We're going to start with you, Smith."

My perspective comes from having a DS who sounds very similar in terms of personality to your DD. We're mid alphabet so that part isn't really relevant, but he has always been the quiet child in the corner, happy but alone, or hanging back in a line for sports or party bags.

He's 12 now and it's taken us a long time to realise, this is who he is...quiet, internally confident but not outwardly, diligent, a good friend to a small number, bookish and lovely. I nearly teared up at recent parent's eve when a teacher said to him 'I know you're quiet, and we don't want to change that because that's who you are...' For the first time in years, someone on the outside of our family had recognised that it's okay to be quiet, it's not necessarily a bad thing, unlike other teachers who seemed to feel they had to 'fix' him.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your DD might just be quiet and non-assertive by nature, and that's absolutely okay, she'll most likely grow in confidence in her own time, in her own way.

I'm a w so used to the "oh we've run out of time/resources/patience" stuff at school. Our teacher mixed it up occasionally and did birth date or birth month instead. My birthday's New Year's Eve.

I would always switch up the start of the line (so reverse alphabet order) so this isn't happen. Having said that, if you went in and complained about it, you would look a bit silly. Best to speak to the teacher and say you are worried about her confidence and she feels anxious about being last and could they think of anything that might help. if you go in with the right attitude then you and the teacher should be able to sort this out.

Wow, didn't realise people were still replying, but very glad you have, it's been an interesting discussion. I take the point that the register order shouldn't define DD, but for an already quiet child I do feel it might be likely to make her even less likely to step forward. I am happy with the teacher's support, and I was also speaking to her about a few days when DD had been upset at school and saying she missed Mummy, and we seem to have resolved that.

The lunch thing is a bit funny, and I thought it was a bit draconian, although as it happens, her fellow 'w's on her lunch table are actually quite nice friends, two of whom she knew from nursery, so it's not a problem as such, but interesting that this is unusual.

I like your thoughts Potterwolfie on children who are quiet. I wouldn't have said I was quite as a child, I was quite assertive and sometimes stubborn, but I have realised as I have grown up that despite that, I am a definite introvert, and I think DD is the same. There is a lot that is good about being somebody who thinks before diving in, who develops a small number of strong friendships rather than a larger number of less close ones (not that there is anything wrong with that either, just that neither is right or wrong, we're all just different).

...but even reversing the alphabet means there are only ever 2 dc who will ever be first in the line, and it still means the G through to P children will always be stuck in the middle.
It's so simple to just put the child who was first yesterday at the end of the line so everyone gets a turn, and, perhaps just as importantly everyone can see that it is completely fair and that everyone will get their turn.

onemouseplace I was also called Yvette in French! Nothing like my actual name but there were two other people with the same first name as me in the class so they got to choose the French name most similar to theirs, and then when they finally got to me (end of alphabet, surname starts with W) Yvette must have been the only name left. I was annoyed about that for ages!

It's interesting if you look at Uk prime ministers. In the 20/21st century all apart from two (Wilson and Thatcher nee Roberts) have names in the first half of the alphabet, with a surprisingly large proportion starting A, B and C.

On the lunch thing, one local school to us insists they eat lunch on total silence. Expecting them to sit in alphabetical order sound positively jolly compared to that.

YANBU. Had this been with dd's secondary school. Register order table plans for the first year. Meant did always at the back. Reports said she needed to make more contribution to class, but she said she was always putting her hand up but some teachers tended to automatically work their way from the front to the back when looking for contributions. Also, when they did their walk round, would tend to start at closer desks, aiming to reach the back but often not enough time.

It irritated me because dd is quite quiet, I believe she was trying to make an effort to contribute (she's generally pretty straight and I don't think she was lying) and it just seemed such a small thing, so easily rectified by occasionally swapping the order. I did make the point that seating arrangements might influence perceived contribution after 2nd school report. The order was changed in year 8 and lo! Suddenly she was making more of a contribution in class.

I'm a teacher and have always tried to vary what order I choose.

Having said that though, my maiden name began with 'Wo', which would have placed me last in most classes. I don't remember it ever bothering me. I was quietish but reasonably self-assured and a high achiever at school.