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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Invitation only extra-curricular clubs?

89 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 17/09/2015 21:00

Are schools allowed to do this? Ds is a little disappointed today as a club he wanted to join is not open to him for the above reason. It is for a fairly low-key activity (not sport) that would not require specialist equipment etc and I am not sure whether to raise it.

He is extremely well-behaved and the teacher running it taught his class last year and praised him to the heavens - I think is fondness for her is part of his sadness. In addition, and I know how this sounds, but it's true, a boy seems to get the biggest part in every play, has been council rep for 3 years etc etc has been invited.

In such a small school is this right?

OP posts:

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MidniteScribbler · 19/09/2015 23:40

Your obsession with this other boy is unhealthy. Take a good look at yourself. You have so much hatred for a child. A young boy who has done nothing to you. You really need to let this go. Focus on supporting your own child. You'll end up bitter and hating his childhood all because of your obsession with what another child is or isn't doing.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 20/09/2015 08:36

Right ok - I get it. There is no possibility of favouritism and I am a bitch for even considering it. Of course I'm not obsessed with this boy and neither do I hate him. This thread has been all about this matter, so it may come across that way, but I don't spend my life thinking about it/him. He comes here quite regularly and I am very nice to him and tell myself all the time that he is just a child.

As I have said, he does put ds down quite a bit and that can be hard to watch, but, as I have also said, I am encouraging ds to broaden his circle and stand up for himself a bit. He doesn't lack confidence as such, but doesn't seem to 'get' that some of the things this boy comes out with are not nice, he just seems to accept it.

I do accept that there may well be a reason I am unaware of that has led to the boy's involvement with the club, but I also think that many people in my position would find it unlikely to be the case when it comes on the back of other things he has done (leading roles etc), knowledge of the family and there being exactly 7 people chosen from each class. I don't think I'm the biggest bitch in the world for finding it unlikely, or questioning it.

I'm off now and will not be following it up further at school. I really hope more people are not going to pile on here and tell me what I've already been told.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 10:04

I honestly don't understand why you're not taking it up with the school. All you have to do is ask. Email and ask the teacher to ring you. Or ringand ask to speak to the Head. There is either a reasonable explanation- so you can forget about it. Or there isn't- in which case the school needs to be called on it.

Ellle · 20/09/2015 11:21

That would be asking again. The OP has already asked, via her ex, because she doesn't do pick-ups or drop-offs.

Since the club is related to an academic matter, only the teacher knows why she selected those 7 children in her son's class, and whether it was fairly done or not.

If it is favouritism, the teacher will be very unlikely to admit to that and the OP cannot (and should not) demand to see her son and the other children's levels to compare them and see if her son is right and he could be in the club.

I don't see what else the OP could do now that she has asked and her son remains unconvinced by the teacher's answer, except what she is already doing (helping her son accept it, saying there must be a good reason they are not aware of, and helping to build her son's confidence and widen his circle of friends if this child sometimes puts him down).

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 12:13

In circumstances like this the question to ask is "What does my child have to do to get picked the next time this club is run? How can I help him get there?"

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/09/2015 12:25

Bertrand is right - there is nothing wrong with focussing on your child and his needs, and asking the school if he can be considered for the club next year, or if there's a waiting list.

I also don't think there is a real problem with letting the teacher know that a child is feeling sad and left out, because they haven't been chosen for a club. The teacher may not be able to put the child in the club, but they coukd acknowledge their feelings and may be able to do something else to make it up to them - ie. making them team captain in a PE lesson, or giving them a classroom job to do. I am sure most teachers have got a long list of different things they can easily do to boost a child who needs a bit of a boost.

Thinkingmakesitso - I would encourage you to write a nice note to the teacher, explaining how your child is feeling, asking if there is a waiting list and if your son can go on it, or as Bertrand says, if there's anything that you can do to boost his chances for getting in the club next time.

reni2 · 20/09/2015 12:36

We had one of those invitation-only clubs, my dc was really keen and could't go. At first the school told me there is no such club, but kids talk to each other of course, the school was evasive and said, yes, well, maybe next year... no waiting list. Turns out this club is for children who "benefit from some time with the family liaison officer". They kept it secret because they wanted no stigma attached to it.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 20/09/2015 12:42

Ex was told ds was too good for the club in the relevant subject, not that he wasn't good enough. Hence his bewilderment and his saying, "but X is just as good as me in that - in fact he is better at such and such aspect of it..." I don't know whether that is right, or whether ds has over-estimated X's ability as a result of liking him so much and maybe in part because of X's account of himself. I don't know.

I think writing a note to let the teacher know his feelings is a good idea. I have been playing it down and he hasn't mentioned much at the weekend, but if he does again I will do that.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 20/09/2015 12:46

He's seven! He's a totally unreliable source of information about other children's abilities beyond, possibly, which ability table they are on. ??Tbh I think you should be doing all you can to stop your and your DS' unhealthy interest in this other child and his academic and social standing.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 20/09/2015 12:53

Ds doesn't have an unhealthy interest in this child. I may sound like I have, but I find that a really mean thing to say about ds. I have already said that I am encouraging ds to broaden his circle, but not because he has an 'unhealthy interest', but because I don't feel the child is as nice to ds as he could be. Maybe it's not a friendship that is all that great for either of them, tbh, and, as I said I hoped they would be separated this year but they weren't. I think they are competitive and have raised that with his teacher in the past but she said ds was not competitive at all, but I know he is, he just doesn't make it obvious at school as he is polite. I play it all down, I really do.

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 13:16

Do you think the teacher was lying when she said your DS was already skilled in the club subject matter?

YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 13:19

Can you leave a message with the office asking the teacher to phone you at the end of her day? If you can take calls, of course. Then it might be more about "he was disappointed not to do club x, is there anything similar he could do?" Etc

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 13:19

Hang on- you're upset because your child is considered too good at something to join an after school club in it???? I think might just have heard it all!

Ellle · 20/09/2015 13:47

She is not upset because her child is considered too good at something. Her son is upset and didn't know the reason he was not selected for the club was that he was too good, and even when the teacher explained the reason her son wasn't convinced because he thinks this other child is just as good at him or even better in some areas.

Well OP, I think what you are already doing is fine. And if he mentions the club again and is still bothered by it, write a note to the teacher so she is aware of his feelings and maybe is able to help him with that aspect in some other way that will be good for his self esteem.

I think maybe your son is comparing himself with his friend, there might be a competitive element as you say, and he might be overestimating this other child's capabilities in this academic area.

I had a similar thing with DS1 where he seemed to be very competitive and always comparing himself with another child from his class. One time he told me the teacher always chose the other child to answer questions in class even when it was only the two of them with their hands up. I said to him that it probably wasn't like that, and maybe only his impression. I mentioned it to the teacher and she also said the same to me, that it wasn't like that, but she was glad that I told you because for some reason he was feeling that that was what was happening. I don't know what the teacher did with that information but ever since then I never heard DS1 saying he was upset or comparing himself with the other child. And eventually it completely stopped altogether.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 20/09/2015 13:53

for your understanding, Ellle.

OP posts:

reni2 · 20/09/2015 14:19

I think this club might be a cover for the school social worker to keep an eye out for vulnerable kids and have a quiet word. The school will no give you the real reason if it is such a club, which is understandable.

Ability of the child, wealth of the parents or the fact they are professionals are all irrelevant.

Indole · 20/09/2015 17:38

DD has been on the school council three years running (since she was eligible to stand). It is voted for by the other members of the class and she is really interested in politics. Should I tell her not to try again so that she can give someone less committed a chance? I find this kind of complaint really baffling. It's like complaining that only the sporty kids get picked for football or something.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 20/09/2015 18:14

How do you know every other child is less committed than she is ? Maybe her commitment has increased partly as a result of the opportunities she has been given and others would experience a similar increase in commitment if they got a chance, rather than having to watch from the sidelines. It's a difficult one, but I do think it's a shame if only one child gets a chance. Maybe the school should alter things so that more can participate?

OP posts:

mrz · 20/09/2015 18:20

Obviously Indole's daughter's classmates feel she is the best person for the job or they would vote for someone else.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 18:22

I think you should only serve on the school council for I year- it really is something that other children could have a shot at.

mrz · 20/09/2015 18:31

Do you think local councilors and MPs should only be allowed to serve for one year? It's a lesson in democracy the voters choose who they want for the job.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 18:37

No I do my. But I do think that as many children as possible should have q go at as many things as possible within the school. And that includes the school council.

There plenty of official positions in adult life that are time limited anyway.

mrz · 20/09/2015 18:40

But every child has the opportunity to put themselves forward just as their peers gave the opportunity to vote for them if they wish.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2015 18:56

Fair enough. I disagree, that's all. Particularly as voting is often by friendship group rather than suitability!

Indole · 20/09/2015 19:04

Anyone can stand, they just have to say they'd like to. Most years it seems that 12-15 children out of 30 stand and it goes to a second round where two are picked of the top four/five. It's a secret ballot so there is no pressure to vote for any one person. I genuinely can't see what the problem is. I am only assuming that other children are less interested in politics because I highly doubt that many of the other 8 or 9 year olds have been following the Labour leadership contest in forensic detail and begging to be allowed to watch the coverage.

I wonder if those who think that this kind of opportunity should be fairly shared out to anyone who would like a go think that children who are actively bad at sports should be on the sports teams just because they fancy a go?

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