Do you punish at home for bad behaviour at school?

[fiveacres]

If your child is not behaving too well at school - nothing 'major' but generally being out of sorts, do you punish at home? Or keep the two entirely separate?

My 8 year old son's behaviour isn't wonderful just at the moment and whilst I appreciate there are reasons for this I obviously want to discourage as much as possible.

Any advice? So greatly appreciated! Going to pick him up shortly and I know he's had a bad day via text message.

I suspect he might need a more nurturing caring environment if this behaviour is out of character

You say his peers are sporty, does that mean they are super competitive too. Because that wouldn't be very nurturing.

Can be - not horribly but just a bit exuberant for him, I think!

I would look for a school with strong pastoral team/leadership plus a very clear caring whole school ethos.

Thanks, Orange.

Have really appreciated your thoughts on this.

Does the teacher know about the difficulties he's having at home?

Is he an introvert, five? I am, and I find being interrupted incredibly difficult. It helps me massively to have a 30 second warning so I can get my head round it - and I am certainly not a toddler! I think this is quite common amongst introverts.

You're doing well - keep going!

Bert, they do know, yes. Not sure they appreciate the full extent and complexities of everything though.

Henrietta - thank you, and yes!

Henrietta, I use the warning technique consistently/particularly with toddlers and actually often in adult/teen situations too to help with 'endings'. Particularly when people are very engaged with an activity - be they extrovert or introvert.

I think he's just angry.

I get that.

It's how to manage that anger in a way that isn't destructive.

Ok I understand that. Can you let him strop at you at home if necessary but then talk about how he can manage those feelings and use kinder words?
I teach music 1 to 1 and I know it's therapy for some of my students. Does he have individual music lessons? It can be a real ego boost through the ability to play and for the relationship with a trusted adult, I think I'm a surrogate granny quite often!

He does he plays the saxophone and guitar. I've also taught him piano.

We had a row when he came in today as he'd just DRAWN on his arm - he honestly looked like a tattoo artist, which indicates he's not really been paying attention! I just stuck him straight in the shower which he protested about moodily.

The problem is his Dad was always a lot stricter than I was and sometimes - frequently really - too severe for minor transgressions or accidents. I remember him making DS cry for things like accidentally knocking the baby (he was tickling her and he knocked her and she started howling - as babies do! - but it was an accident.) As such, DS has always been well behaved; very well behaved, too well behaved, really.

He is a lovely, gorgeous person. He's incredibly empathetic and caring and lovely, he cares so much about others - animals and younger children - he is very, very clever (his dad is also very intelligent and perceptive) and talented (I am technically qualified to teach music, although I have never really used this, and DS is talented in this respect which isn't to say he's necessarily the next Mozart, of course!)

But now there's a weird combination of feeling safe enough to misbehave with me, of feeling that (I think) if he is naughty his dad will come back, of feeling generally angry with all sorts of things and also, I suspect, quite enjoying the shock his rebellion has elicited in the kids in his class.

Unfortunately, the one thing I can't force myself to be tolerant about is out and out rudeness. It he is being, much as it pains me to say so. It is embarrassing, as I feel it reflects so badly on me as a parent!

I think you need to pick your fights so to speak. He's sensitive and empathic which means you could appeal to his empathic side in regards to rudeness. Have you ever read a book called the highly sensitive child by Aaron?

The drawing on the arm would be totally fine in my house. I like my kids getting dirty and covered in stuff. We'd probably have a bit of a joke about it and then a shower before bed.

Oh, I didn't tell him off about that as such, but when I tried to get him in the shower (he was covered!) he turned into Mr Stroppy

I'm still undecided about changing schools.

I have found an independent school which I think would suit him but I'm worried about the costs for the long haul, especially as I have two other children who I would feel the need to pay for as well.

I wish this parenting business was simple!

Tell me about it!

Is it worth having a meeting with the teacher to explain that he's struggling at the moment?

I think it might be. They do realise, and his teacher is lovely, really lovely lady.

The main issue, and I hesitate to use this term, is the TA who works with that class. DS has never been one of the outgoing children and it does feel at times as if she's been on a mission to draw attention to that fact - trying to get him to socialise at play and dinner times - and she does mean well, she really does but sometimes I do feel like screaming JUST LEAVE HIM BE!

Randomly, the thing that helped my DS when he was unhappy was a homeopathic doctor who talked at length with him about him and his interests. Because he was the kid in the middle of a big family I think he also valued being noticed as an individual - he's the 3rd of 5 boys.
Sometimes mum is too close to help.