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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Do you punish at home for bad behaviour at school?

67 replies

fiveacres · 02/06/2015 14:37

If your child is not behaving too well at school - nothing 'major' but generally being out of sorts, do you punish at home? Or keep the two entirely separate?

My 8 year old son's behaviour isn't wonderful just at the moment and whilst I appreciate there are reasons for this I obviously want to discourage as much as possible.

Any advice? So greatly appreciated! Going to pick him up shortly and I know he's had a bad day via text message.

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Original poster

fiveacres · 02/06/2015 21:34

Orange - he's finding the breakdown of our marriage tough. He's also never really been 'happy' at school. Not miserable, but it's a small school and he isn't one of the outgoing, sporty boys so while there have never been issues with bullying, he's always been on the outside of things a bit.

Ironically, since turning into a 'naughty boy' he's got loads of friends which is obviously another massive concern.

I've really told him off tonight and probably gone about it all wrong but I wanted to impress on him it was serious and I'm not having rudeness.

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Orange6358 · 02/06/2015 22:24

I think you need to make him feel very loved and very secure. The school behaviour is a reaction to his upset home life.

Original poster

fiveacres · 02/06/2015 23:02

You're right Orange

I think I'm going to go for a carrot approach and try to use bribery praise to get him back on track.

I was saying to somebody earlier, I don't really mind the odd huff or lip to me but at school it's different and I don't want his teachers thinking he's been brought up badly, I suppose.

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Pumpkinette · 03/06/2015 10:03

I wouldn't punish for a few reasons - the school has already punished for the behaviour so to do it again doesn't seem fair. The other is that home is a safe place away from the stresses of school.

Can you imagine having a really bad day at work - you mess something up and get pulled up for it (as I'm sure we all have at some point). When you get home you just want to forget about it and enjoy being home. You don't want to be reminded of it for the rest of the day.

I'm not saying don't talk to him about it, just that punishing him for the rest of the day is a bit harsh as the school day is over and the punishing has already been done.

Original poster

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 10:12

I agree with that, if it was the odd bit of daft behaviour or silliness. Seems to be a bit more ongoing than that which is why I don't want to just leave it to the school, really, which doesn't mean I want to punish him harshly or severely - just that I want to work together in this if you see what I mean.

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zingally · 03/06/2015 20:02

Speaking as a primary teacher. If you are told about the behaviour directly from the teacher, you should consider it quite serious, and respond as if the behaviour had occurred at home. For instance, if he's been in trouble for hitting at school, what would be the punishment at home for hitting?

If a teacher speaks to you about a behaviour, it's because it has impacted negatively on the day.
Teachers really do appreciate parents who back us up, in terms of discipline. And, in my experience anyway, kids who have a double-whammy of punishment for a misdemeanour at school when they are younger, go on to have more respect for the value of education when they are older.

Tequilashotfor1 · 03/06/2015 20:13

I would work with the school and show a United front.

btdtgtts · 03/06/2015 20:20

I think it depends hugely, so I'd treat what internet patents or teachers say with lots of salt. My DS is hyperconscientious so when I heard he'd got into trouble at school my first concern was to hear his side - which was quite different from, and more plausible than, his teacher's version. So I put it down as communication error, and focused on how he could communicate better (talked to him a lot, and to her a little).

If you're DD is acting out as a result of stress at home, OP, I think I'd focus on getting him to understand that and how unproductive it is, and see if you can find ways to help him be more aware of what he needs and acceptable ways to get it, both at home and at school. And as in my car, I'd communicate a lot with him and a little with his teacher.

btdtgtts · 03/06/2015 20:21

parents/DS/case, plus whatever phone typos I missed, sorry

MMcanny · 03/06/2015 20:22

No, but then we've never had bad behaviour at school, or anywhere for that matter. Are my children odd? Or am I really lax in not seeing anything? I'd love to say I'm a great parent and that's why they're so perfect but I don't suppose that can be the case but if my children were badly behaved I'd probably look at the example I'm setting and that everything was age appropriate at home first. It may just be lucky genetics I suppose but everyone I know with troubled children, they learn it at home. Just read further on this thread and see you admit there are problems at home. I'd work on them first, that is the root here, not a 'naughty' child.

Holidaymonster · 03/06/2015 20:23

I would, but not huge punishments. For example, if he is allowed 30 mins on ipad in the evening, I would take 10 minutes off for every incident that day. I dont think it has to be severe to work :-)

Holidaymonster · 03/06/2015 20:27

oh yes- forgot to say- I would make sure he knows in advance what the consequences are so he knows its his choice to make. And I wouldn't couple this with too much telling off or reaction from you. Just a simple consequence for what has happened. Usually works for minor things for me :-)

Original poster

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 21:22

Thanks for the responses.

Zingally - I absolutely do consider it serious, but I suppose what I am wondering is what to actually do about it. I've had 'stern words', confiscated his phone (that went down well!) and sent to bed early. Everything has a temporary impact but then appears to be forgotten by the next day.

He's never hit. He isn't inclined that way. It is what I can only describe as surliness, moodiness, rudeness. It is a polite request to sit down followed with a NO. Completely unacceptable but it has had me just as taken aback as the teacher.

Btd, thank you. Will try!

MMcanny, no, your children aren't odd. But, I do need to say that I've never had issues with my children before either. DS's behaviour was always as close to perfect as I could get. He'd occasionally be silly (not at school!) of misunderstand something but never rude or defiant, ever.

I don't think there are problems at home as much as DS is adjusting to a new life, and part of that I suspect is testing where the boundaries fit and also he is angry that his life is different, angry that I can't put it right, and angry that things weren't perfect beforehand.

Holiday, thank you

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Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 00:01

I don't think zing could have read the entire thread because it's really not appropriate to give a deeply hurting, usually well behaved child a double whammy of punishments. Ops best tactic is helping the boy feel happy and secure

Noteventhebestdrummer · 04/06/2015 06:12

I think if you accept him being rude to you but tell him it's unacceptable at school you're giving him a mixed message. And a bad idea about caring for people in your family!

Original poster

fiveacres · 04/06/2015 07:31

My point with that Not is that if he has to release tension, if you like, I can accept him doing so at home but not at school.

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Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 08:17

I wonder if there's something physical he can do to release tension?

Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 08:20

But also acknowledging with him that this isn't his usual behaviour and it's natural to feel anxt with change. Could you chat to him and let him come up with ideas about what to do when he feels awful. So at least he has a plan. Or a code word he can give you

Original poster

fiveacres · 04/06/2015 08:20

I was thinking about this last night, Orange, and I think he hates being interrupted when he's thinking about something.

Tuesday's troubles came when he was sharpening a pencil: he'd been at it for a while and he was told to sit down. He responded with a surly 'NO', for which he was told to leave the classroom.

Now he has had a pretty severe telling-off from me about that so don't anyone, please, think I am ignoring it. He got tearful, agreed it was rude and apologised. But in terms of why - I imagine he was thinking about something and the teacher cut into what it was he was thinking about. Does that make sense, do you think?

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Stinkersmum · 04/06/2015 08:28

I do think some follow up at home is required... I generally enjoyed school and behaved well but half the motivation for not getting in trouble at school was knowing if I did there'd be a bollocking waiting for me when I got home.

Original poster

fiveacres · 04/06/2015 08:32

I'm having a dither, to be honest, about whether or not a fresh start might be what he needs and am going to be speaking to a couple of independent schools today.

I haven't made up my mind, but it might be that he needs a smaller and more nurturing approach.

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Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 08:32

I think it's quite common to not like being interrupted. If it's a regular thing could you/teacher warn him a minute beforehand. Like you would with a toddler.

Original poster

fiveacres · 04/06/2015 08:33

I know, but he is eight and he should be able to cope with being told to sit down without being rude. The frustrating thing is that he knows this - he is repentant and apologetic afterwards - but then does the same thing a few days later!

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Orange6358 · 04/06/2015 08:34

What's his present school like?

Original poster

fiveacres · 04/06/2015 08:37

It's small but that means mixed year groups - 3 and 4. This obviously means he's one of the younger ones.

The core crowd of boys in his class are pleasant and affable but very sporty, outgoing sorts. DS prefers music and reading - quite quiet. He also arrived a year after everybody else (started in year 1) The teachers are lovely though.

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