Dithering a bit about my son. Advice welcomed.

[Marmaladedandelions]

DS is in year3. He's been at his school since year 1 and although he's never had enemies or experienced bullying to my knowledge (I think he would tell me) he's also never been included particularly, always on the fringes. In years 1 and 2 for example he would be included in big parties but now the children are having things like cinema trips or the like he isn't invited. He isn't disliked, just doesn't really have friends.

At any rate, last April I had a baby, and although he adores his sister he obviously had 7 years of being an only child. Then my marriage broke down this year and I am pregnant again. This has all hit him hard and he just had a sort of breakdown before school one morning. This culminated in me agreeing to a period away from school. Obviously now the holidays are here, we are looking at going back and he's anxious.

We've had a few days away in Ireland visiting friends and he just joined in with the other children, was totally happy, relaxed, confident. So he isn't a 'difficult' child in terms of getting on with other kids. It did cross my mind that possibly the school he's at is one where he hasn't had the best starts and he's seen as academically able but socially immature and unintentionally the schools attempts to 'help' have backfired a bit.

Would a completely fresh start be all wrong? It would mean he'd gone to three different primary schools and that seems like a lot of upheaval but I just think breaking into established groups by now might prove hard. The school is a village school, nice in its way but cliquey.

Any thoughts? I know a few primary teachers post here :)

So you've had a baby, you've had a marriage breakdown and are now pregnant again. All in a year?

That's a lot for an adult to deal with. Think how much harder it is for an 8 year old. He has no control and perhaps feels life is racing out of control. He is possibly sad and/or angry at the changes that have happened. Have you given him opportunities to talk about it?

I would suggest (but feel free to ignore) that he needs one area of his life to feel stable and secure. If school is basically fine then I would not think of moving him again.

Speak to school about what's going on so they can help on the friendship side of things. They may also have a learning mentor who is experienced in talking to children about his they feel.

You sound like you have your hands full but perhaps he could invite a couple of people he likes round. This may take a few attempts but he will find children with whom he clicks.

He needs a period of stability in order to feel safe and secure.

Thank you.

The problem is the school aren't very receptive to this and whilst they are well meaning I know they don't really help the situation with their methods.

He's had opportunities to talk, yes. He is better than he was.

how they feel
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I would suggest you sort out the rest of your life for the time being. So where do you all live, where is your job, finances etc. If a change of school falls out of that, then so be it, but then look for stability.
Maybe try to get your son involved in out of school activities, maybe some not in your village. (Cricket, football, Beavers/cubs, whatever).

Sometimes small schools are not the best, but just changing schools is not going to necessarily sort everything out.

Some children are much happier in out of school environments because they are mixed age range, there is less competition and its not so forced as school. I wouldn't think groups in any school are fixed at 8.

I do think moving again would be a mistake. I totally recognise the party issue as my DD had exactly the same problem, even when the parties were quite large. She was just a bit "different" and was excluded. We just did lovely days out with her instead. I do think as they get older, they do form friendships if they are friendly children. It may not be at this age though because, as you say, there are cliques and the parents control who their friends play with. Please do not think I am being rude, but is your home situation not what village people are used to? In my village, people who do not conform to narrow norms are excluded. I really do know about how that feels! Do you have friends in your village? Can your DS join Cubs, a football club or some other activity where the parents are less cliquey and judgemental? Also, definitely invite a few children round. Your DS will have some ideas regarding who is more friendly.

Lastly, do speak to the school again. I found that my DDs teacher did watch her in the playground and this helped.

Thank you.

I don't work and I am fairly sure we are staying in our home for now so no issues there. Really, if I'm going to move him it makes sense to do so now.

Although we live in the village it's just outside really (farmhouse.) Don't see too much of other people.

I don't think he really knows anyone well enough to invite them round.

When I think about th children in my dcs class who don't get invited to things, they tend to be the children that don't have parties themselves, don't invite others to play dates, parents don't mix or socialise with other parents. You have to host things to be invited back. Could this be what is happening with your son? Does he have parties, friends to play etc?

It's been difficult so no, not really. Will be trying to now. It's just hard after two years to suddenly invite children around.

It's hard, but you need to do it. You need to help your son, moving to a new school and continuing the same patterns of behaviour won't help. Has he never had a birthday party Or a friend to tea? If he has been socially isolated from other kids that could well be the reason he hasn't formed close friendships at school. Coul he invite a couple of friends next week one day?

He doesn't really have friends to ask, heels, this is the problem. No enemies but not friends.

I would start with the children whose parties he went to in year 2 - to return the hospitality at least.

I would approach their mums/dads at home time and ask rather than leaving it to your DS. If they don't pick up, do you have a class list with mobile numbers? If so you could call

We don't have a class list. I could try - don't know really. I feel like he's been written off as socially awkward; I don't think he is, I think it was just difficult circumstances, but it's hard getting back from this.

Ask the teacher who he gets in with best?

Is there anyone he plays with at play time?

They keep isolating him at playtime by putting him in the Sen unit which is used for children who struggle socially. I've asked them repeatedly not to but there are a couple of TAs who are quite forceful about this and he hasn't got the confidence to say no thank you.

My Son struggled socially at school he was considered the weird smart shot and was bullied daily. School didn't care.

Year 4 we moved him for a fresh start and it changed him massively. He had friends and was so much happier.
He's year 7 now , and a completely different boy to the down trodden boy that school turned him into

Well in that case I would look around at alternatives.
Ideally I would look at bigger schools - is there a nearby town?

Don't panic into it, and look carefully and ask lots of questions.

There are a few options including private - not sure really.

I think you have to at least make an effort. If you do the same thing, you're likely to remain in the same situation but in a different school as an other poster said

I would speak to the head teacher and ask for assistance re: contacting parents and about the SEN unit at break times.

Also, I highly doubt that any parent has written off your DS as "socially awkward". I suspect it's more that their DC never mention him so he's not in the radar for play dates and parties - you can change that if you want

No, I meant the school sorry - not the other parents. The headteacher would probably just put him in the club at play.

I would certainly consider changing his school, and invite others to your place on playdates etc from week one. Sounds as if his present school, maybe with good intentions, has labelled him and that has prevented him moving on.

Yes, I think that's what my worries are as well badger

I would speak to his form teacher, with the TAs present, and tell her that you do not want your DS isolated at break. I would then confirm this in writing in his contact book. Make sure DS knows he can say that he wants to play in the playground with the other children. It must make it very difficult for him to bond with the others if he isn't allowed to play with them.

Would also look at an outside of school activity, something like Beavers maybe, where he will have the opportunity to make friends.

I've done that Leeds (he doesn't have a contact book) but I have made it very clear I don't want him taken off the playground at break.

The issue is that the TA will sometimes come and shepherd him in anyway if she sees him standing alone or she will say something like 'you want to come with me don't you?' Even if he says no thank you he gets asked directly things like 'well who are you playing with' and if he says 'I dont know' he gets whisked away. It's frustrating as then I'm told he chose to go! Essentially they mean well but it's excacerbated the situation.