Dithering a bit about my son. Advice welcomed.

[Marmaladedandelions]

DS is in year3. He's been at his school since year 1 and although he's never had enemies or experienced bullying to my knowledge (I think he would tell me) he's also never been included particularly, always on the fringes. In years 1 and 2 for example he would be included in big parties but now the children are having things like cinema trips or the like he isn't invited. He isn't disliked, just doesn't really have friends.

At any rate, last April I had a baby, and although he adores his sister he obviously had 7 years of being an only child. Then my marriage broke down this year and I am pregnant again. This has all hit him hard and he just had a sort of breakdown before school one morning. This culminated in me agreeing to a period away from school. Obviously now the holidays are here, we are looking at going back and he's anxious.

We've had a few days away in Ireland visiting friends and he just joined in with the other children, was totally happy, relaxed, confident. So he isn't a 'difficult' child in terms of getting on with other kids. It did cross my mind that possibly the school he's at is one where he hasn't had the best starts and he's seen as academically able but socially immature and unintentionally the schools attempts to 'help' have backfired a bit.

Would a completely fresh start be all wrong? It would mean he'd gone to three different primary schools and that seems like a lot of upheaval but I just think breaking into established groups by now might prove hard. The school is a village school, nice in its way but cliquey.

Any thoughts? I know a few primary teachers post here :)

Another option might be home education. Possibly that would be easier than another school, possibly harder. If your son is feeling anxious about all the recent changes, he might feel more secure if he spends a good bit of time with you for the time being.

It might seem that this would isolate your son further, but this may not be the case. There is something particularly difficult about being lonely in a crowd of people, where "everyone else" seems to have friends and where you yourself are expected to have friends, and perhaps people think there is something wrong with you if you don't have friends. It may be less lonely for him to spend most of his time with his family, and go to a club or two every week. Or if you are willing and able to travel, there may be a home ed group in a nearby town.

If you do decide to keep him at his present school, please do keep on at his class teacher about his being removed from the playground. If he's not playing with anyone, he needs support with that, not removing from the other children. Do they organise any structured play for children who feel a bit left out? If not, they should! If he's unhappy about spending his playtimes in the SEN unit, you need to fight his corner and tell them he needs support to socialise.

Thanks. I have done (kept on at them) but they say it is his choice when it isn't really - it is frustrating!

Just say to then that even if he "choses", in this situation it is best that his choice is over-ridden and you would be grateful if all staff are made aware of this

That should stop the overly helpful TA

Moving schools isn't going to help him. Go in and speak to his teacher, make it perfectly clear what he has been dealing with and what he has told you at home. Ask them to find him a buddy to play with at play times so that he isn't on his own. Tell his teacher that being taken off the playground isn't what he wants but that he feels he can't say anything to the TA.
To be blunt, you need to take the bull by the horns and make the first move. Stop dithering that you don't have a class list. Ask your son who he would like to play with and invite them over. Do you pick him up from school? Time to start mingling yourself.

Thanks. :) I do pick him up but everyone's always talking amongst themselves and I find it hard to cut in.

Asking a question is a good way to cut in, choose someone on their own or talking to another rather than a big group ' hi, I am xyz mum, I think your son is also in class x, I was wondering whether you know anything about locsl Beavers/ scouts?'

Your son sounds incredibly unsure of himyself admits all the stability.

Ask him who he sits next in class and write a note to their mum asking if x would like to come and play and give your mobile number.

Then repeat to other children weekly!

Thanks, will be doing my best :)

At school he must sit on a table with other children and work collaboratively with them. Have you no idea who these children are? Try asking him. Also, go and see the teacher to talk through their actions RE the SEN room. I do not think it helps to separate children at breaks because it stops friendships forming. Try and be a lot more proactive about having children round. You have isolated yourself a bit so it is not really surprising he is not included.