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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

No one responded to our friendly notes

30 replies

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 19:58

Feeling really sad and a bit miffed on Ds's behalf. DS1 started in a new school last term and found the 3 weeks up to the holidays hard. He has ASD. He's in year one and there doesn't seem to be much of a buddying system in the school. He's quite shy and desperately misses his old friends :(. To try and sort things I gave our our details to class parents in the days before the end of term to try and arrange holiday play dates and despite some saying they would definitely be in touch I've heard nothing yet and we only have a few days left. To make matters worse we appear to have been ditched by the mums at my old school as invites for playdates to them have been rudely ignored. Are adults really so petty? We left his last school on very good terms or so I thought DS is dreading going back and I thought a friend or two would have really helped.

OP posts:

Biscuitsneeded · 07/04/2015 20:07

Oh dear, sorry to read this. Did you get anyone else's details when you gave out yours? Could you take the initiative and be quite honest, and text to say you would really love your DS to play with some new classmates before term starts as he's feeling shy about going back, and that you will be having a picnic in X park on Friday at midday for anyone who fancies coming.

There is the risk of nobody turning up, but if they're just a bit disorganised but well-disposed this may prompt other parents to come. Just tell your DS you're having a picnic in the park so his feelings aren't hurt if no-one can come.

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:11

Thanks Biscuits - sadly I don't have their numbers I just gave out about 10 cards with our info telling the mums and dads that it would really help my DS to settle I'd he could meet up with them in the holiday. I'm so shocked not one person has come back - I would if some one did this to me, in fact at his last school I made it a habit to talk to new mums and suggest play dates. Isn't that what civilised people do!?

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sailoratsea · 07/04/2015 20:11

I would feel like you do. However, my DS has a couple of really good friends I was hoping to have over during the Easter holidays. We've been busy doing fun things in the sun and I haven't got round to contacting them or my own friends. Maybe some people did intend to meet up but have been busy. They may still be friendly when term starts.

Bramerton2015 · 07/04/2015 20:12

We've had a lot of this with parents ive had To chase parents up for replies for DS birthday party then said they were coming and still didn't show !

Could you invite one of the kids from his class back for tea after school ?
I've decided that best friends ive made are the one that develop over time x

littleflick · 07/04/2015 20:15

It's not a very personal approach, and people are busy over the holidays. Don't take it to heart.

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:18

Ok maybe I'm getting a bit over egged here (easter pun!). I just want my boy to be happy at school. Change is hard enough for him anyway with ASD - forgot to say that some of the bits in his class were quite mean last term deliberately leaving him out and name calling :(

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Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:18

Boys I mean!

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Biscuitsneeded · 07/04/2015 20:21

Maybe a more focused approach is needed. Can you get him to name two or three children he thinks he might like? Then next week try to track down the parents and specifically invite their children to play after school one evening? Or maybe inviting two of them together might help break the ice a bit as both parents could come for a quick cup of tea too...

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:25

Thanks all - yes a targeted strategy is a good idea. I know this is awful but I'm shy too - it took quite a bit of guts to do the card thing. Going back in for more possible brush offs is daunting.

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lemonyone · 07/04/2015 20:30

Sorry you are going through this Jesus. When your DC is unhappy it is just heartbreaking.

I agree with the other posters, you need to go for a more targeted approach. We received a 'give us a call over the Xmas holidays' type note from one of the new lads in my son's class. I thought it seemed a nice thing to do, but when it came down to it, it was easier to call someone my DS knew. I felt bad when we went back from Xmas to realise that I hadn't responded.
But…last week the mum directly called me up and gave me 3 dates for my son to come over. He is going there this Saturday so that's cool.

What I'm saying is that i don't think it was significant that they left your DS out, but that a targeted invitation to nice kids would be way more effective.

HTH

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:36

Thanks Lemon

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lemonyone · 07/04/2015 20:39

No prob. I've had to move 3 times since my DCs were born, so I'm a dab hand at making friends quickly for my DCs. Listen out for who sounds like nice kids (rather than, say, the most desired popular children) and invite them to do something very cool on the first playdate as a 'bonding' experience.
The times after that you can take it down a level and just hang out at home

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 07/04/2015 20:44

I hear you Lemon - great advice thanks.

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Athrawes · 07/04/2015 20:50

I don't think it is personal but it is hard to not feel rejected. We have just moved too. You need to be quite direct, call or text and offer to collect feed and drop howe. Families with more than one child already have a lot on so you need to make your play date very attractive to the parent. Make it likey a gift to the mum and she will leap at the chance! The kids would undoubtedly be up for it if you asked them but you need to get through a sea of shopping, dentists, grandma etc.

Madcats · 07/04/2015 21:47

Oh a big, virtual "hug" from us. As far as I can tell, nearly everybody I know is/was/will be in Devon this Easter. Our town is virtually deserted!

DD knew nobody in reception..fast forward to yr3 and we were newbies again....

Both schools have had class reps (either for school stuff or PTA activities). Somebody dashed around the playground and PTA things to get contact details at the first school (and then the school office organised it at the second - it was fine to opt out).

I think I made my first "friend" when I/somebody else took a photo or video clip including DD that I asked for (so at least 1 email address shared). That might be more of a challenge with an introvert child.

In yr1, I am guessing that you are still there to do school pick-up and drop off. Can you and your son linger in the playground so either you or your son get chatting to another family (take some fruit and water and they'll all pounce on you!)?

Possibly too early for you at the moment, but Minecraft is massively popular and we've had many a successful introductory playdate where the children share their "worlds" with DD. They sit jabbering away to each other and giggling.

Once they have a common interest.............

No, it won't work all the time, but I bet many younger siblings are playing it by yr1.

BTW, I tended to choose the parents I liked and persuaded/coerced DD to play rather than wait for suggestions at that age. These days I find myself dashing up behind to make the introductions!

Original poster

JesusIsComingLookBusy · 08/04/2015 08:26

Great ideas both. DS loves Minecraft so that's a dream play date for him!

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bookbag40 · 08/04/2015 08:33

I think you need a more targeted approach!

To be honest I would find it a bit strange if someone just gave me their details and told me to contact them. I would wonder if either I was expected to host a playdate which I may not want to do, or I would think I would have to ask you to have my DC round which I would feel was rude!

I think it's easier to ask your DC if there are any children they specifically like and then actually ask them to come round on a particular date. You could also speak to the teacher and ask if there are any of the children your son plays with and they should be able to suggest some of the more friendly and responsive children who you may wish to arrange playdates with.

Does your son have a birthday coming up soon? If so a party can be a good ice breaker - you could offer coffee and cake to the parents too so that you can get to know them. Alternatively you could just arrange a little "summer celebration" and invite a few of the boys to that.

I think that you will have to be pro-active though rather than expecting people to come to you.

DeeWe · 08/04/2015 10:33

I agree with the other posters about more targetted approach, or the open invite to the park/somewhere else nice.

I have 3 dc from 14yo down to 7yo.
If I got a letter like you gave I would only really follow it up if either the dc involved was very keen, or if the other two were off doing something-however more likely I would decide a nice one-to-one time for the left one was the best thing to do.
You see if I have an unknown child over, you don't know how much time you're going to need to give them. Some friends my dc have they disappear and don't reappear from what they're doing until you call them it's time to go; other ones are reappearing every 5 minutes with "I'm hungry" "What can we do now?" "Can we go up to the park?" "Will you play this with us?"
And as I've two other dc to look after, I don't really want that, it's also quite draining.

I also would feel awkward about phoning up and saying "can they come round to yours" from that sort of invite. And so I'd feel that I have to invite you to ours, which means I have to make sure the house is not looking like it does today too bad.
Even if you'd put on the letter "We'd like to host" I would still feel very cheeky!

Open invite to the park might work, at worst you end up down at the park on your own, but if you don't tell your dc that more people are coming then you haven't lost much.
One of my dc's friends used to do that a lot. They ususally had 2-3 people turn up, but sometimes had 15+ and sometimes had none. Again, having 3 dc with a range of ages tended to mean that it wasn't as good for me as it might have been. Because either the place often wasn't best for one of the dc (older ones not able to do the activity) or, when I'd toddlers, I'd spend the entire time chasing the toddler, when I really wanted to be a smug mummy sitting and chatting.
I also tended to either remember too late.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/04/2015 10:39

We had a very similar experience when we moved school, and DS also has ASD so first off have a big ((hug)). I know it's shit when you feel like your DC has been rejected.

But try breaking it down:

A % will have been on holiday
A % will have had working parents so DCs may have been in holiday club/other childcare
A % will have been the mean kids who called him names, and if their parents asked they will have said 'no, I don't want to play with him' - which is a good thing!
A % will be shy like you
A % will have popped the card in their DCs school bag and not even look at it again till the night before the holidays.

In my case, DS is at a playscheme this week, has a nice day planned with his dad on Monday, we're seeing people from his old school on Tuesday and then we're off to London on Wed. I probably wouldn't have called you up to tell you that though, iyswim?

Go for the targeted approach.

And he will get there - 3 years on my DS gets on with most of the kids in his class and has two 'best' friends.

DeeWe · 08/04/2015 10:47

Spare "Either" in the last sentence.

AmazonGrace · 08/04/2015 18:07

Not everyone's cup of tea but are you on FB? Many schools have a pta site, I found the information for ours from the school website.

Don't be disheartened (easier said than done) Many parents may have already made plans. I haven't planned any play dates for ds during this holiday as I'm working for part of it and then I've organised doing different things with ds on our days together.

I'm sure as time goes on your ds will make friends, it's hard moving schools, we changed schools last year and I've had quite a few sleepless nights over it but it's all pretty positive now. Ds enrolled in a few of the after school club activities and made new friends that way, plus he does other activities outside of school so has made new friends there too.

ragged · 08/04/2015 19:46

Oh I did that, what OP did with lots of notes when DS was in Reception. Not over a holiday break, either. I got maybe 2-3 out of 20 replies. No ASD in the picture. Folk just don't talk to strangers. Don't invite to birthday parties either, (and certainly don't invite back) which is disheartening. They did start inviting when they finally got to know us/DS.

Luna9 · 08/04/2015 21:04

I think you should have made a more specific invitation; emailing everybody and organising a couple of play dates on specific dates, time and location and see who was available. It seems to me you left it quite open and that makes it difficult. Don't give up and try again on a different occasion plus speak to the teacher and head teacher if necessary

Luna9 · 08/04/2015 21:16

Also people are very busy in this country and you have to plan ahead and give plenty of notice; many times you have to invite 20 to get 10 if lucky. Everybody starts very enthusiastic in reception with play dates and coffee mornings but come year 1 and 2 and people seems to get busier and only keep in touch with friends they made in reception

Discounted · 08/04/2015 21:24

I think you need to specifically ask one or two for a specific date/time.

If I got the note you describe, I'd think ah that's nice but I'd be too shy to make the call....I'd respond to a note that said would DS2 like to come for lunch on... though because it would be rude not to.

It's also true that loads of people are away. DS1 has had real trouble finding mates to meet up with (14yo with lots of friends) this holiday as people are either away or booked into holiday activities.

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