Am i being too harsh on yr6 son?

[YoullLikeItNotaLot]

Son is in yr6, quite bright but generally untidy, disorganised and distracted.

Is this normal and to what extent should I be involved/leaving him to it?

Example: this morning he couldn't find his homework folder. Bits of homework on dining room table and desk in bedroom. There was evidently one piece he hadn't done despite me asking him during the week had he done his homework? Should I be checking he's done his homework? I think in yr6 he should be able to organise a folder and a few sheets of paper

I've said to him when he goes to secondary he's going to have a lot more to manage so needs to be used to doing so.

He's sitting all level 6s as teacher thinks he us capable but has warned things like rushing through the paper and not reading properly or confusing his workings out in maths through untidiness will hinder him. Personally, I'm not that bothered about SATs but I think seeing how this approach can/ will affect him may be a good lesson for him.

Is this what all yr6 boys are like? Should I be doing more? Less?

He sounds a lot like mine. Able, but head like a sieve half of the time. He keeps getting into trouble for not handing in homework or doing the wrong homework! His handwriting is also very messy, so I'm focussing on that at the moment as I know he can manage the content (he's also doing L6 papers) but there is no point producing brilliant answers if nobody can read them.

I think you're right. Despite what the schools seem to think, SATs are not that important. Let him learn but don't push him.

Yy to the handwriting!

Can he do it and is just being lazy, or is it a big struggle. As I know myself being a messy, disorganised person this is a separate thing from actual ability to work and I have had to learn this and keep myself lists and reminders that others might not need (learnt this from flylady!) I am also a bit rubbish at getting myself into a good routine and sticking with it. I would give him some help in this area of getting organised, rather than you reminding him, help him set things up so he will be reminded and put him in control.

I don't know live

My assumption is it's laziness/lack of thought but maybe he just can't get organised.

Like most boys his age, he's tech savvy so I wonder if an electronic calendar may help with reminders. The general untidiness & distractedness (is that a word) would still be there but any improvement is better than none...

I think you are bring too harsh yes. I'll tell you why. y7 is a big leap for our kids and they forget things and are a bit chaotic and , though they may not know it, they are overwhelmed.

In Y7 we have to bite our tongues and help, help, help, with putting stuff out for their schoolbags, endless gentle reminders etc. Y6 is their last year of primary school and they are at a funny stage, more capable than before, but still not that capable!

If you were nearing the end of your driving lessons, but not yet ready to take your test, would you want your instructor to start getting harsh with you? Would it build your confidence to make the transition you need to bridge from non driver to driver?

Yy to sats being unimportant, also handwriting for boys is just an unnecessary nag. They get their in their own time. (Don't we all!)

I hope he can enjoy Y6. I know mine found it a difficult year, with pressure from teachers, and mixed feelings about being 'top of the school'.

Yes that's the thing - I'm actually quite laid back about these things and then think I'm doing him a disservice by not nudging/encouraging/nagging* to get himself organised then when I do I wonder if I'm being a monster. Aaaargggh!

*take your pick!

You are describing my Y6 DS2 - apart from the level 6 - so perhaps it's more common than you think!

IME they are under a lot of pressure in Y6, and it's all maths and English. DS has had loads of maths to do over the Easter holidays, but I think that kids need time to wind down just like teachers do, especially when they are under so much pressure to perform. It's much worse than it was 4 years ago when DS1 was in Y6.

I think you just need to go with the flow as much as you can. Things don't get serious until about Y9, by which time boys are completely different creatures.

He's lucky to have a naturally laid back mum. Stay with your natural self, don't succumb to external pressure to pressure him. You know what they say,' don't judge your insides by looking at other peoples outsides...'

I've been totally flabbergasted by the level of disorganisation by kids at the age your talking about, and the next year or two. It seems to intensify during this transition. I'm talking about losing new spectacles the first day after getting them, losing pens every day... Honestly. I could only put it down to stress that they just aren't conscious of, and they can't have a gin and tonic when they get home, or probably even articulate their feelings.

It's horrible being a nag, isn't it. Finding the place of encouragement and consistent support, without banging your own head against the wall in frustration, is a real life art. Usually involving chocolate, in my case.

But eventually it pays off, when the duckling turns into a swan..eventually..and you still have a good relationship!

I'm speaking as a parent of a child who turned out to have dyspraxia here, so I may be skewed.

I think you need to help him set up systems for organisation, then gently step back as and when he seems ready. This may be now, or 1 term in to y7, or towards the end of y9.

e.g.
Homework - is it written down? If not it needs to be (otherwise he'll forget in y7).
Bag packed night before, e.g. straight after tea, including finding all the bits of homework.
To start with, you check all h/w completed to reasonable standard.
Clear places and times for HW.
2 pencil cases, one at home, one in school bag.

The naturally organised will do this for themselves, the disorganised need help to start with, and the dyspraxic need ongoing assistance!

I also did what Teen suggested, as a matter of course. Tried to instill simple effective habits. Tried being the operative word...

Got there eventually..

I don't officially know if my children are a bit dyspraxic, I think yes. I think it's quite common!

I have the same with DS1.

I am gradually trying to train him into being more organised. I am adding one thing at a time to his list of things he is responsible for and that I am not responsible for.

I found the jump to Y7 tricky for DD, who is actually incredibly organised. I am therefore expecting to have to help DS1 much more than I did her.

DD1 was terrible until she had the meanest teacher ever in yr5 who would kill them if they had forgotten/hadn't done stuff.

DD2 needs to have her next year. though i don't think i can take the tears.

You have to help them put in structures - homework written down in homework diary and ticked off. bags packed night before. board on the fridge/by front door with what is needed each day.

arghhh to the thought of yr7 next year.

Finding the place of encouragement and consistent support, without banging your own head against the wall in frustration, is a real life art. Usually involving chocolate, in my case.

Teen Yes, that's something that is at the back of my mind, what is the line between being a bit disorganised that he'll grow out of/get better at and it being "something else"?

having read the responses I'm fairly comfortable that he's typical of boys his age - or at least not a complete outlier, but...hmmm...maybe something to read around a bit for me...

btw dd1 in yr6 i don't check or even see her homework. i do remind her to do it though / know when she's done it or not.

i'm in the minority though. most parents seem to sit and do it with them or at least check it / suggest improvements

i'm different with DD2 as she actually needs me to be around with her constant questions / clarifications / checking she's actually doing what the homework asks and not her own made up interpretation. she's only yr4 though so hoping it will get better

My DS is the same. Also doing level 6s. We do encourage (?nag?) him to do stuff but he doesn't and more often than not, I end up shouting at him.
His teacher has said that she is going to keep him in at lunchtimes now until his homework is done. She is doing this with other children in his class too who will not do their homework.

OP. With DD's dyspraxia (not formally recognised until y11) I first raised issues in y6 and it became more and more and more obvious throughout secondary. Probably would have been more obvious earlier if we hadn't adopted her in Juniors, so lots of difficulties were put down to early disrupted life.

First the 'classic signs' poor motor skills, some sensitivity to clothes and food textures. Then in her case organisational signs - couldn't follow a bulleted list of instructions, generally struggled problem solving (maths and general life). Under achieving in written work compared with verbal. Needs significantly more organisational help than peer group, struggles to structure essays. Other things - gets overwhelmed if too much info on a page, very literal, struggles with following rapid conversations between friends, poor spatial awareness etc.

Disorganisation y6/7 is to be expected. Support and help until he gets it.

It's a fine line between helping out and encouraging independence, isn't it? I am really trying to encourage my DS, who is away with the fairies most of the time, to do more for himself but it's often easier to do it for him. I have to repeat everything several times and can never say "Go and do A and while you're there do B as well", because he can only compute one thing at a time.

Mind you, I find this is a trait of a lot of husbands as well. Maybe it's just a boy thing.

Yr 6 ds also supremely disorganised.

I try to remain slightly detatched from it as he can easily suck me in and get me wound up about his scatterbrain, impulsive, no-tracking-system-at-all approach to life. (His father gets really annoyed about it as he gets so panicky.)
I tend to organise him in the background so that all his stuff is in one place and so that I know what should be done and can gently prompt him. Will then sit there quietly while he stresses until it clicks with him that he has everything he needs and can indeed sit down quietly with me and get it done.
Predict it'll be the main cause of stress next year. Just hope I have enough to go on to quietly do the basics still next year so he has a chance of sorting himself out.

A bit off topic but don't stress about cursive handwriting. As a secondary teacher, there's nothing worse than messy boys' work where they still link everything painstakingly! We love the ones who 'print'

You will still have to check he's done his homework in yr 11. And, going on Friday's coursework trawl, when he's in 6th form as well.

One of my DDs friends was so disorganised at University he got the wrong day for a 1st year exam. If my DD hadn't agreed to meet him at the bus stop, and then text him to see where he was, he would have missed the exam. A resit was a capped top mark of 40% - no more! So, I would say disorganisation can be persistent problem. It might be a good idea to have a homework area so nothing gets taken to his bedroom. It all stays in roughly the same place. Likewise, is there not a homework log/timetable that tells you what he should be doing and when? A minute ticking everything off, with him, would also help and ensure he gets into a routine.

I thinkit can be a bit of a boy thing. I notice Mums can be far more lenient with their expectations of boys. They get away with things the girls do not - hence the husband problem - the wives then take over from the Mums in fussing and mopping up their spills!

Thank you all for your posts - some are very enlightening.

have a y5 ds but v similar problems! I was under the impression that I should leave him to it - I always ask if he has homework and then leave him to do it himself.

English teacher recently informed me that I should go through the homework with him before he hands it in

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine DS when he was in Year 6 being able to organise himself in the slightest way. I used to help him out nag him in all areas. Something happened to him when he moved to secondary school because now he's in Year 8 and although he's still untidy (and let's not even talk about handwriting!), it's organised chaos. He has his timetable in his head but never forgets a thing now, organises all his own books, gets his sport stuff ready etc. He even manages to relay messages to me the night before! I still have to nag him to do his homework as he's very mañana-ish but the transformation is otherwise quite incredible. So yes normal year 6 stuff

fleur people have different views on parents helping with homework.

I have always viewed homework as a way for my DDs to get some extra 1-1 tuition if needed. If DD 'can't do' the homework then I would always try to assist / explain so they can. Many times in maths / science I have used a different explanation which DD1 has understood way better than the teacher's.
However I also always indicate level of help given too so the teacher knows and can tell me to get lost if needed (they never have). I can also help instil 'good practice' e.g. insisting they check English for spelling or punctuation errors.

Other people (with different children) would say this is ridiculous and it is their homework to do entirely on their own.