eight year old daughter hating school, sooo unhappy - my next move please?

[evilpopstar]

Lovely bright eight year old in year 4 - loved school til year 2 - when both her best friends left. She has struggled to break into friendship groups and to get chosen for partnering which really bashes her low confidence. She is very shy and gets a bit freaked out by big groups. She briefly made friends with the class bully and came home crying for for months but I went up to the school who were a bit crap but I made enough fuss that they stopped that - but its left my daughter even more isolated. She is acting up at home - sulking and aggression - and has fallen behind drastically at maths. I dont think she is being bullied any more but just gets left out as she does not have strong friendships with the girls despite me inviting some of them here to play etc. She has started playing football at school and out of school which has helped. i cant work out if she is just very hormonal or if it is the school that is the major problem. There is a lot of bad behvaiour in the playground and other parents ahve complained that the school dont have a grip on it. I think she has become a fish out of water but I am also worried about her mental health as she is so clingy and/or aggressive at home by turns. She will talk about it with me - and says she is unhappy and just wants a best friend at school (she has two brilliant non school best friends) and I can't give her that. Help! shall I go back to the school (deputy head does eye rolls or runs away when i approach - think they are just sick of me raising it but what am I supposed to do?) , move schools, get her some CAMHS support??

nochoc - who will be suspicious of a move?

She might dig her heels in but it us your decision at the end of the day. You have good reasons - the school isnt right for her, and you have done your research and found somewhere that will be right for her.

Routines... Interesting. Yes, they are very important for kids. It makes them feel secure, and they need go feel safe and secure at home - then they can handle any crap outside.

Sorry - bad wording due to annoying child demanding parenting. (The cheek!)...

I ment go, say why you want to move, don't diss the old school/staff. Then they won't wonder if she burned down the science wing or something, and think carefully about which class group to put her in, who her but buddy will be etc.

No it wont get better it will get worse - wish i had a crystal ball and moved DD1 in y5 instead of her suffering for 2 more years. 4 local schools feed into 1 high school and she doesnt speak to any old school girls - her confidence was shattered - her new friends are all from the school i would have moved her too..... they get worse as they get older. We also had tears tantrums not sleeping not eating ..... nightmare ... her face doesnt fit and a new school could b more nurturing and welcoming. Please dont let her suffer like i did..please.

We didn't move DD 1 from her primary school, because she had friends. It was only when she started secondary that we realised how miserable she had been at that school. She is now an adult.

We moved her brothers to different primary schools and they benefitted from the move.

Our youngest is 8 and is not stroppy or awkward as you describe yours.

Just walked to get on a train and will need to dig deep to find bravery to move but am absolutely going to go and see two other schools. Thanks for advice on how to handle it. Do I need to go through local authority to make a school move?

I would guess there are the have it all girls .... look what i got for being pretty ..oh but if you DD gets indentical trainers shes `copying' .. the were not going to speak up girls .... and the outsiders .... I think the BFF culture is fueling this nastiness in schools. Why cant they all just b friends? Wait til insta and FB and snapchat come into play ..... sorry but my daughter has seen it all and cried over it all. :(

Is her school just one form? A friend of mine moved her DD from a single form entry school to my DD's school which is 3 forms and she has blossomed since joining. My friend says that the bigger pool of potential friends has been the significant difference, with 90 children to choose from, her DD (who she describes as "quirky") has quickly found a group of friends. Our (state) school is in London with lots of movement so children always leaving and new ones joining...from what I have seen, the vast majority adapt really well to a new school. I would look into moving her, if you can.

Schools all have websites these days.
Start with thecpimcil website and search local schools.

Look through their websites, then Google them and the key staff for the 'real story'. Call admin, make an appointment andvisit them - but not during the holidays. You need to see it in action.

Maybe if you suggest to her that her current school isn't good enough/ the right school for her when you broach the move it might sit better with her. Then you are not putting any of the responsibility for the lack of success at this school onto her and putting it onto the school.
She might then be more positive about a new start at somewhere that is the right place for her?

Oh yes, its not her - not the school but just a combination that doesn't work. Like chocolate and liver sausage.

My just turned 8 is stroppy and difficult at home but she loves school. So although a bit of that kind of behaviour is normal I would say it's been going on too long and the school isn't helping.
At my daughter's single form entry school there were some issues around friendships - the teacher spent time discussing feelings and playing together, etc to help things calm down. They also watch out for children in the playground if a parent raises a problem like that.

Incidentally a girl visited their class last week. She is moving schools because she is being bullied at her present school. She is trying out several local schools - I know several children who have switched schools and there is a novelty in being the new child.

Hi, we moved DD at the end of Yr4, not because of bullying, but because we moved house.

DD struggled a bit at first, the worst part was that she was trying to find a new 'BFF' in established friendship groups. She also fell foul of the "You're my new best friend" "I don't like you any more" "Sophie is my new best friend" stuff that I am told is quite normal for ages 8-9-10.

One thing that did help DD was 'fitting in' with the new girls. For eg, at her old school Monster High was 'babyish', as were playing with Bears and trampolines - they were all things she 'gave up' when she was 8/9 (it became One Direction, Pop music, Hey Jessie and iPhone Apps).

Here the girls play with Monster High dolls at break times, DDs birthday 'party' was taking some friends to Build A Bear, she asked for a trampoline for her birthday, despite us giving one away (with her blessing) when we moved and none of the girls are into 1D or trying to turn into teens. They play very simple old fashioned games out of school (although Minecraft is still big) and are much more easy going. She now has a group of friends (4) rather than a BFF and is enjoying being a kid again.

OP You say she finds the other girls babyish and she doesn't like them, well maybe she should try a little harder to fit in - why are they 'babyish', what is it that they do wrong? Is there really no common ground? Can't you push her to make friends rather than a 'best friend'? Does she call the other girls babyish? Is she trying to join established friendship groups or take someone away from one because she wants a BFF? Because none of those things will change in another new school, unless she does. Can you push the notion that a group or gang of friends is better than one BFF, I did that with DD and it improved things no end.

Don't want to read and run but...

You DS is right to not allow any contact/kiss/touching with thus kad. I'm sure they've done all the 'its my body' stuff at school. If the teacher hasn't been helpful, speak to the Head. This situation is getting to the point where your poor daughter will be scared to go to school. The boys parents need to be told too so that they can speak to him/pull him up on it at home.

Can you 'fix' issue with the friend she fell out with? Play date over the holidays to 'have it out' (kids equivalent of course), and get over the quarrel? I dont mean fight but clear the air...

The boy needs to be made aware that this is just plain wrong - what the hell is he learning? My DS is the same age and he and his mates are still 'girls? Yeooooogh! They are bossy and silly'.

newme2014

You need to start a separate thread, as yours may well get lost in this one.
However, you need to report what has happened to your DD's teacher, explaining that it is a safeguarding issue, and take it to the Head teacher if you are not happy with whatever they are going to do.

You can go as far as the governers and the police as technically this is a threat to assault, and the age of criminal responsibility is 10.

These girls are playing a game with your daughter it has become a habit for them to tease and ignore her you wont break back in - and the class may do feeling etc but it will go over their heads as it doesnt apply to them. Unless the school are prepared to call in the patents and you write a letter about this boy you`Ll get no where. My daughter had this with a boy which cont into high school and although i wrote to school i eventually emailed his mom she had no knowledge of his behaviour. School ate turning a blind eye - go look at the complaints procedure and move schools before she hits rock bottom

I agree that promoting or having BFs is really unhelpful. I have always tried to promote a group of friends and also said mummy has more than one friend lots of friends is more interesting etc but she has always just wanted a bf . I agree this isn't helpful. One of the big issues seems to be when the kids choose partners in class and the girls are SO in couples that if someone else chooses their regular partner they start crying so that the teacher gives in . I think the teachers should make them mix it up and go with different partners to promote all being friends with each other and I have fed this back to the school but like all of us I think that the teachers just don't want the moaning and want an easy life! So yes, my DD is perceived as trying to muscle in on someone else's BF if she tries to choose them as a partner but surely it should not be like this aged 8!

Evedallas I do also agree that my DD could do with shifting her attitude and branching out, playing in groups etc and lord I wish she would but she seems not capable of doing that for whatever reason... I even started a film club at home with 4 other girls inviting them here to get her In a gang but she says that they all partner up with each other at school and play babies and she doesn't want to play it. I think there is def a part of her that is just a fish out of water at school and that this could be the same at any school ... That said there is also the issue of the mean girl who picks on her and actively leaves her out. That's why I am so torn about moving schools as part of our current problem is the school peer group (and the fact that the school do not major in emotional well being or a culture where all are tolerant and friends) and part of her issue is her own style and feelings and almost leaving herself out of groups!

Please stop blaming your daughter. Her difference is not the issue and u should stop. I told my daughter that as she didnt have a bf it ment that her bf hasnt found her yet either. We use sticks with kids names on to pair up - as agree with what your saying. This wears at their self asteam confidence etc.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread Evilpopstar!!! Will try and remove my post from here and start my own. Apologies!!

Momofthree I agree , school are rubbish at promoting difference. Are other schools any better ?

IME some schools don't like any child that is anything other than "average".
They don't like clever children who are able to identify things that are wrong with the system.
My Ds was able to see quite clearly that the HT and the teachers were colluding with bullies in order to have a quiet life. He was bored rigid but it was too much effort for his teacher to even allow him to take his own reading book in to school (reading age of 15 at age of 8) I was advised that he should not ask intelligent questions in class because the other children "didn't like it". He wasn't an annoying know it all - just a child who was interested in everything and had a well developed sense of fairness.

The new school welcomed him with enthusiasm and he never had any trouble in the 2 years he was there.

Sometimes it is just the reality that the school is not a good fit for the child, and a different environment is better. It is just the same with jobs and work places.

Go and see other schools at least. You'll get a sense for how different they are. Yours doesn't sound very nice from what you say. If you really think the behaviour's like that then it would seem logical to move. She could probably do a taster day at a potential new school if you asked. That might help her buy into a move.

DD school had a change of HT from old strict no nonsence type - tell the parents etc to a new age oh kids will be kids type no parents all in school - etc .... just like we had diff parent skills and diff priorities we have diff HT