TA 'secrets'

[Ohnostop]

I'm going to have to change a few minor things here as I've asked a lot of my friends opinions on this but Im still bothered about it.

In the smallest nutshell I can do! I dropped my daughters pe kit off to school. Her ta saw me and came over to tell me that she had great news that she was pregnant. There was another little boy putting his shoes on next to her (context!) she said she was doing a show and tell on her scan next week.

I profusely congratulated her, said DD loves babies and all that stuff, told her not to work too hard and left.

When I saw DD later I asked if she knew her TA was pregnant in a jovial style and said you must congratulate her tomorrow what lovely news!

It was all 10 second stuff, I thought very little about it and that was that.

The next day I got a really shitty email from her TA saying that she was 'interested' to hear that DD knew about the pregnancy, it wasn't her news to tell and basically I have ruined her surprise show and tell next week. She also said she had taken my DD outside and made her promise not to mention it again.

When DD left school she shouted at me and told my the TA had told her I was very naughty to share the secret and I had done a bad thing. The TA had made her 'pinky swear' in the corridor not to tell anyone about her 'secret'.

I honestly did not hear her tell me it was a secret. If she had i would have definitely respected it although would have thought a little weird she told me at all! I rarely see her or talk to her apart from polite pleasantries.

I told DD that I did not hear her TA say it was a secret but that I don't think it was a terrible thing I did. DD is a bit cross still, and I was a bit worried so I said 'do you have any other secrets with xx?' And she shouted 'no!' V abruptly. I asked would she tell me even if she did, and she said no, never

The whole thing has flummoxed me! apparently she has told many of the parents to keep the secret but some she told in front of their own children!

I'm bothered about the secrets tbh. Or am I over reacting? What would you do / say? I do feel bad about what's happened but it all seems a bit of a crazy situation! Am I not getting something here? Should I be apologizing? How would you fix it with DD?

Thanks for the messages, it's really helping me think it through.

I asked DD how her day was, she said great we are practicing a show for you. I said 'wonderful, whats it about?'. She said 'i can't tell you it's a secret...erm erm..(stumbling a bit) I mean a surprise!!'

I've not said anything to her about secrets vs surprises yet so it makes me think they've said something about all this to her at school. I'm uneasy about it all now! Wtf is going on!

I've always said at school the teacher is boss so you must do as they say. Now I feel ridiculously uncomfortable about sitting with TA in front of DD and & basically criticising her. I mean, what if she challenges me or gets heated or upset? She hasn't seemed rational so far!

To make matters worse I've a horrible feeling she's not 12 weeks. Apparently she has taken time off today to go get her scan picture for the bloody show and tell tomorrow. She's not showing as far as I know so what else would it be??

I feel you are right about going to the head now but it all seems so ridiculous and blown out of proportion.

And God forbid what if it isn't great news today DD asked earlier If the baby would come out at the show and tell

Sorry rambling, just craziest thing I've encountered at school

This is bonkers! There is absolutely no way a parent should be asked to deal with staff issues - where would it end? I really can't understand the deputy's response and think you do need to bat it right back to them.

I do understand you not wanting to blow it out of proportion, but for god's sake, I would never ever have a customer sit down with one of my staff (who is also pg and so potentially a bit more vulnerable than usual) to air a complaint that I've put down to their communication skills!! FFS! I'd like to see the union at my old work get a hold of that one (and I wouldn't blame them for it!).

LOL at the baby coming out at The show and tell. I really wouldn't discuss it with the TA I bet she'll start crying and especially not in front of DD

Email back, say you have not the slightest intention of discussing this with the TA in front of your daughter and find that a frankly ridiculous suggestion. Say you would like to see the head ASAP and expect them to deal with their staff and ensure that your child is NEVER asked to keep secrets, and that the member of staff makes an undertaking to never describe your behaviour or the behaviour of any other parent as "naughty". Explain that if you can't see anyone this week then you will write to the governors expressing your concerns on Friday. State your expectation that this will not be discussed with your daughter in your absence as she is already confused and upset about her mother being naughty.

WSS

Wow total cop out from the dep. head. It is absolutely not your issue to deal with.

A good HT will be concerned about this, there are a number of issues here and from a safeguarding point of view it is very worrying that a member of staff should be encouraging a child to keep secrets. A good HT would welcome the fact you have brought this to their attention and would take the issue off your shoulders and deal with it professionally in school.

This absolutely. Make an appointment to see the head. I really hope they deal with it seriously. If not I'd be really concerned about those running the school.

That response is either shockingly clueless or from someone who knows that the TA is a bit unhinged and doesn't have the backbone to deal directly with it.

In addition to all the excellent points above, the class teacher is also at fault for permitting such a self-absorbed and misjudged show and tell.

Also, the systems/person that allows the TA access to your e-mail to discuss a problem that she's caused.

I would agree that if you can't meet with the head this week, you need to write to the chair of governors - the address should be available to parents/carers.

The TA sounds so unprofessional! Ridiculous behaviour

Thanks, I really wish I'd been more direct & forceful to begin with!

Ok, I've basically written back what zzzzzz said.

I've still got the niggle I'm being melodramatic I hope it gets sorted soon. Who knew people actually behaved like that

You're not being melodramatic. The Deputy Head should have dealt with it yesterday, you know? It should all be done and dusted by now, no mess, no fuss, but the expectation you should manage their staff issues means it's dragged on. That's not your issue.

I've been following this thread for a few days now and am shocked at the deputy's response. I don't have any advice but just want to tell you you're definitely not being melodramatic and there is no way you should have to talk to the TA yourself let alone with your dd! I would not be happy with this whole situation about "secrets" and I would not be happy about this "show and tell" about the scan. Why make such a hullabaloo about it? Very unprofessional and I'm suprised the teacher is letting her do this little presentation.

Dd's (yr2) class teacher is pregnant atm and there's been no mention of it to the children as part of a "learning" thing even though she's past 20 weeks now and has a visible bump. It's not relevant to their topic and it's a very personal thing to share with small children who aren't related to you IMO.

Hope you get a better response from the Head.

I really hope the head is more clued up!!

I'm a TA. This whole situation is ringing massive alarm bells for me. The TA's behaviour is totally unacceptable on every level. The secrets thing is basic safeguarding, telling you DD her mum is 'naughty' is outrageous, being allowed to plan this ridiculous show and tell and the 'matey' approach to the children horrifies me. But more concerning for me is the response from the DH and lack thereof from the HT. You are not overreacting at all.
How old is your DD? Have you ever had any other concerns about the school?

I'd be on to the governors; this is all being handled very badly.

Shocked at this, I wouldn't let it go!

Thanks everyone

I've got a 'sincere apology' from the deputy and she will let me know of the next steps. I don't really want to know I just want her sort it out!!

Her class teacher has gone off sick so she doesn't want to do anything till she comes back. I think this may be as I added about questioning the judgement of having a show & tell on early pregnancy in the first place.

Apparently according to DD the show & tell went ahead with the scan photo & all was well. The baby is due in 6 months.

Glad all sorted.

Oh, the irony as DD came home last night and told me a teacher had said something nice but to keep it a secret so not to upset other children in year. :/

Now it's all sorted can I ask a question?
The TA in this case is obviously a loon.

But imagine if there had been a genuine misunderstanding, and the TA had thought she had asked to OP to keep it quiet, is she not allowed to ask the child not to tell anyone else? To keep it a secret, in fact?

Oh god BuzzardBird! As you can see I'm completely rubbish to advise on that one!!!!

I think even in misunderstanding, she took a risk by telling anyone in the first place. The other thing that bothered me in her original email was that she said she had given specific instructions to 'her friends and colleagues' about the secret. But me & DD are neither surely?

Maybe I'm being harsh but I would have thought she should have just smiled and moved on and not said a word. If she'd spoken to me about it & not DD I would have fallen over myself to apologize whether at fault or not.

My 6 year old wasn't mature enough to really process the fallout. I'm not sure if related but out of the blue she started wetting the bed from the first night this happened. And now she has a relationship (with the pinky swearing & mummy is naughty) with the TA that I'm not too keen on.

It all depends on circumstance I guess. Interesting question! Wish I knew!

No she is not allowed to ask the child to not tell anyone.

Aside from basic safeguarding, that is too much responsibility to put on a child. What if the 6yr old did go on to tell someone else because she forgot or was excited, how would that child feel? The child might feel they had done something wrong or broken trust, it's too emotionally complex too place on a child's shoulders and completely wrong of a professional person to do so.

By the way, well done OP for pursuing this. You have not over reacted. I note though you don't mention anything from the Head? Unless this is a very big primary school (and even then while understandable I still think it's wrong) it's remiss of the Head not to be involved.