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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

TA 'secrets'

72 replies

Ohnostop · 22/03/2015 16:31

I'm going to have to change a few minor things here as I've asked a lot of my friends opinions on this but Im still bothered about it.

In the smallest nutshell I can do! I dropped my daughters pe kit off to school. Her ta saw me and came over to tell me that she had great news that she was pregnant. There was another little boy putting his shoes on next to her (context!) she said she was doing a show and tell on her scan next week.

I profusely congratulated her, said DD loves babies and all that stuff, told her not to work too hard and left.

When I saw DD later I asked if she knew her TA was pregnant in a jovial style and said you must congratulate her tomorrow what lovely news!

It was all 10 second stuff, I thought very little about it and that was that.

The next day I got a really shitty email from her TA saying that she was 'interested' to hear that DD knew about the pregnancy, it wasn't her news to tell and basically I have ruined her surprise show and tell next week. She also said she had taken my DD outside and made her promise not to mention it again.

When DD left school she shouted at me and told my the TA had told her I was very naughty to share the secret and I had done a bad thing. The TA had made her 'pinky swear' in the corridor not to tell anyone about her 'secret'.

I honestly did not hear her tell me it was a secret. If she had i would have definitely respected it although would have thought a little weird she told me at all! I rarely see her or talk to her apart from polite pleasantries.

I told DD that I did not hear her TA say it was a secret but that I don't think it was a terrible thing I did. DD is a bit cross still, and I was a bit worried so I said 'do you have any other secrets with xx?' And she shouted 'no!' V abruptly. I asked would she tell me even if she did, and she said no, never

The whole thing has flummoxed me! apparently she has told many of the parents to keep the secret but some she told in front of their own children!

I'm bothered about the secrets tbh. Or am I over reacting? What would you do / say? I do feel bad about what's happened but it all seems a bit of a crazy situation! Am I not getting something here? Should I be apologizing? How would you fix it with DD?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rollonthesummer · 22/03/2015 18:18

Why on earth did she rush in and tell you if it's such a bloody secret! I would email the head and say how unimpressed you are with her unprofessional behaviour and how upset and confused your daughter was. I'd have done the same as you and chatted to dd about it.

She sounds about 12?!

PontyGirl · 22/03/2015 18:25

Shocking. OP I agree with all the other posts, you need to flag this to someone because if that had been my DD, shit would have hit the fan. So unprofessional I can't believe it

ppolly · 22/03/2015 19:31

I'm a TA and am shocked at this behavior. I don't mention my personal life to them at all - or to parents either, why on earth would I? The secret thing is very worrying too. I tend to have children spilling out their personal concerns to me on occasion, but never, ever the other way round.

scrappydappydoo · 22/03/2015 19:43

Not having 'secrets' is safeguarding 101! I'm shocked at that behavior from a ta. How old is dd? Could you explain about secrets and surprises to her and why it's important in the context of the baby is a nice surprise?

Original poster

Ohnostop · 22/03/2015 20:33

Love love love the head out arse comment! That's exactly how I feel!

Dd is 6 & I've realised I've forgotten to change any of the details I was going to oh well!!

I can't seem to do the posters name in bold thing but thanks again for all the comments. I was getting angry, then doubting myself then more angry, then worried about causing trouble etc etc!

I think a conversation about the difference between surprises and secrets is a good idea. I flaked out of talking about it tonight though. Dd was tired but happy and I wimped out. It's also so bloody complicated as in her mind it's me that's the problem by telling her the 'secret' I've made the TA cross so now she must keep the secret.

I will definitely be asking DD again if there are anymore secrets. But not sure if to believe her if she says no Its frustrating because I feel ( probably over dramatically!) that the TA has put some sort of barrier between us, like there's the TA with DD on one side with them both distrusting me on the other side. Oh that's bollocks isn't it? I can't even explain it properly!

I'm going to make an appointment to see the head as I've tried to write an email and its so long that I think it would be easier just to talk through. I'm not going to respond to the TA as i feel uncomfortable criticising her directly. I can't see where she is coming from or how her behaviour could be justified so we are clearly not on the same wavelength! I doubt any email exchange would be productive!

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 22/03/2015 20:37

She should be excited about sharing the news of her pregnancy with her family and friends, not the children she works with. So unprofessional. The secrecy thing is awful. I think you are right to go to the head.

zzzzz · 22/03/2015 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 22/03/2015 20:47

I'd be really annoyed at this.

Email to head.

Dear head, TA took my dd aside and made her promise On a secret. I think this is wholly inappropriate. DD is now in conflict with herself and me over a mild misunderstanding which I think TA has took too far. Deal with it.

The end.

You should have sat dd down at the very beginning and told her this was not her fault, not your fault but TA and explained why. AND also no promises with anybody else.

primarywannabe · 22/03/2015 20:51

Just wanted to add...it's most likely that the TA is is just misguided and unprofessional. But there is a tiny, tiny chance that she is using secrets to gain trust for a different purpose...i.e. grooming children. I'm not one to believe there's a paedophile on every corner, but it does happen.

rollonthesummer · 22/03/2015 21:03

Print out the email to show the head when you go. I think you're doing the right thing.

WombatStewForTea · 22/03/2015 21:24

I agree very unprofessional of the TA and does raise some red flags. If I found one of my TAs had done something like this then I'd be informing the head. Definitely tell the head what happened - she'll want to know but don't feel like you've done the wrong thing if the head doesn't say much about it and outwardly criticise the TA to you they will deal directly with the TA.

FabulousFudge · 22/03/2015 23:30

Definitely make an app to see the Head this week.

Forward her the email and explain that you wish to discuss this email further with her.

Original poster

Ohnostop · 23/03/2015 16:42

So called head, not available, pa asked what about. I briefly explained then she said she'd get deputy to deal to stop escalation.

Dep called me, said she was sorry, all a big misunderstanding. (I had emailed her the TA 's note, her response is below (names taken out etc) . For ref I didn't mention before as I didn't know but English is the TA's 2nd language.

^My feeling is to speak with her directly about this. I do believe that things were lost in translation -even her email, written in a second language, sounds more harsh than intended.
A possible approach would be to have a light conversation with dd and TA at the end of the day to explain the concerns about the secret. I believe she will understand your concerns and perhaps clarify what she said; I didn't hear that you'd done a bad thing. I also don't want DD to believe you have.

Please start with TA first, I am happy to help out if needed, but believe this can be cleared up quickly^

Is this right? I'm not quite sure what to say!

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 23/03/2015 16:55

Total cop out!

iniac · 23/03/2015 16:59

No it's not acceptable. You've asked HT to deal with it and they've batted it back to you.
Their reply suggests that you are overreacting IMO.

MoonHare · 23/03/2015 17:01

Hold on - is the Deputy Head asking you to speak to the TA and your DD???

I am absolutely flabbergasted by this whole thing.

The TA was wrong on so many - to tell you she is pg in the first place if she wanted to keep it secret for now, to then email you about it (WTF how is she even allowed access to parental email addresses??!!) then to speak to your DD and call you 'naughty', to make your DD "promise" not to tell her "secret".

I would be seriously concerned about leadership at your DD's school. It is completely unacceptable for the Dep. Head to ask you to deal with it!!!

You should phone again to make an appointment to see the HT, do not share with anyone else why you want to see the HT, any normal school would have pretty much open door access to the HT for parents to make appts.

MrsPeabody · 23/03/2015 17:07

I am gobsmacked by this. Such a cop out from the school.

I'm not overly keen on the idea of a pregnancy show and tell either. How many weeks is she? Is it not a little early to be getting the children invested in her pregnancy?

Original poster

Ohnostop · 23/03/2015 17:07

Yep Im a bit about the lost in translation thing - the TA highlighted the bit where she seemed most cross in red! How can that be misinterpreted?

Urgh really really don't know what to say.

OP posts:

iniac · 23/03/2015 17:08

She highlighted bits in red Oh my!

iniac · 23/03/2015 17:10

So many boundaries crossed here.

MoonHare · 23/03/2015 17:11

In your shoes I would reply to the email from Dep. Head (assume it came via email?) and say "Thank you for email however I remain concerned about the behaviour of TA. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to speak to the TA as you suggest and will contact HT again for an appointment"

Make an appointment with HT. A good HT will be concerned about this, there are a number of issues here and from a safeguarding point of view it is very worrying that a member of staff should be encouraging a child to keep secrets. A good HT would welcome the fact you have brought this to their attention and would take the issue off your shoulders and deal with it professionally in school.

If the HT does not do those things you should raise it with the Chair of Governors.

If the school continues to try to shrug this off then I would even think about contacting Ofsted.

You aren't over reacting.

I would also be speaking to my DD that she should never keep "secrets" from Mummy or Daddy.

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 17:15

Hang on. The TA sounds bonkers, but surely she should be able to ask the OP's dd not to tell anyone else? She wasn't asking her to keep a secret from her mum- her mum already knew!

BuzzardBird · 23/03/2015 17:20

I agree completely with MoonHare.

The deputy is fobbing you off and not guaranteeing that this will not happen again.

MoonHare · 23/03/2015 17:20

I meant that OP is right to think talk to her DD again about the issue of secrets generally and that she shouldn't keep them from parents. But that aside I don't think TA should have taken OP's DD aside to ask her to keep a secret from her class mates, she's 6yrs old FFS! The whole scenario is wrong on so many levels.

PontyGirl · 23/03/2015 18:16

completely bizarre. Don't let this go OP.

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