How long is too long a 'commute' to school for a brand-new primary-aged child?

[Everhart]

We live on outskirts of London and are looking at the private schools in our general area for our DD when she starts reception.

Two of the schools that I really LOVE the look of would be a 20 min drive in OK traffic, realistically more like 30-40 (max) in rush-hour traffic.

WE have no other children and are not planning any so I wouldn't be concerned about dragging another younger child on the school run. Also I work from home so although my time is precious it's not like I HAVE to be in an office at a certain time of the morning or worrying about getting away from work in time to make it for pick-up.

However... is that a pretty daunting commute, given that we are in London area, for a very young child? I was always driven about 30 mins to school at that age but that was because we lived in the middle of nowhere and EVERYTHING was a long drive away, so no choice.

There are a couple of schools I like less that would be more like a 5-10 min drive, maybe a max of 15 in absolutely awful traffic. But I like them less. They are not particularly spectacular schools; the ones that are further away are really terrific.

Also I have to think, I guess, about things like friends - if your friends are all a 30-40 min drive away, maybe even more if they come from the other side of the school, does that mean you don't get as much of an out-of-school social life as you need, eg after-school playdates, weekend parties etc - or are you just ALWAYS in the bloody car...?

We can't move closer to the amazing schools as we can't possibly afford it!!

So really the question is - amazing school but hellish commute, or fine school with easy commute?

I am aware of how tired 4, 5, 6 year olds get after a long day at school and would hate to do anything that would eat into time just mooching at home after a hard day.

WWYD?!

I always made sure i could be there in a 10 min walk, if this helps.
Being part of the same community as their friends is important, especially when they are older and go out to play, after school meet ups and of course activities.

Being part of the same community as their friends is important, especially when they are older and go out to play, after school meet ups and of course activities.

Yes, this. The commute didn't bother me as a child, but all my school friends living miles away really did, especially as I got older.

Our commute to private primary is about 30 mins (South East). It's absolutely fine, worth it for the fab school and I love the journey time for chat. Does make a difference to playing with friends at the weekend and after school though so that's the biggest pain but worth it for the great school.

Thanks everyone!
Yes, the distance from friends thing does bother me... that said it's the sort of school that, because of its reputation, draws children from a fairly wide area, so DD wouldn't be the only one living far away iyswim?
But all that time in the car... getting home at eg 4.30pm after a hellish drive in slow-moving traffic, rather than 3.45pm after an easy journey... day after day and at weekends too, for parties etc... it wouldn't bother me (as I said I'm used to being in the car a lot) but I know it would bother DH and I expect DD would prefer not to do it.

But, but, but... both these schools are SUCH a draw.

Hm, TroublewithAngels, I hadn't thought about that, it's a good question... train and then a taxi, I guess, it's a bit remote (part of the attraction is that it has incredible school grounds/playing fields, an astonishing amount of beautiful space to run and play and appreciate).

Would anyone else do it, or am I mad to even be considering it... seven years of daily traffic tussles? Those godawful winter days before Xmas when the traffic just snarls up and you can take an hour to move half a mile... I'm mad, aren't I? :(

I just wish we could afford to live closer!!

Our 6yr old did a 2hr commute each way last year after we moved, and his school place in his new school fell through, and wasn't going to reopen for a year, and we didn't want to move him twice in 2 yrs (so kept him in his old school til the chosen new one could take him). It was HARD: and there were no play dates or parties. But he still liked school, and it didn't kill him or us. 30 mins will be a breeze..

I drive my DS1 20 minutes each way to his private primary school. People think its madness- each to their own. But if the school is the right fit for your child and 100% suits your ethos- then its worth it IMHO. I will be doing that school run for 11 years in total once DS2 is finished- but I'm ok with that. All of the positives are enough for me to make that sacrifice. He loves the car journey through the countryside, and we have the most interesting chats on the way. Go with gut instinct. I'm sure we miss out on evening play dates, but to be honest he's far too tired to have the energy (summer born). Good luck.

What's the parking like?

You can easily add another 10 mins hunting for a space if it's on-street, plus walking from where you are up to the school. And the congestion immediately around a school sometimes needs to be seen to be believed.

Try a practice run. See how long it really takes.

Going just from the title of your thread my instant response was 'anything over 30 minutes'.

I think 30-40 is ok, if you have snacks, iPad or whatever with you. That's all they do in first hour of getting home anyway.

Our dd (foundation) does a roughly 40 min journey and is fine - local school 5 mins walk - we chose a much smaller school about 15 mins drive away but she gets the school bus at 8 in the morning and is dropped off just after 4. She has school friends close and still does dance and karate locally so has friends from there as well. Bus is her favourite part of school so commute hasn't it her off yet.

Thank you all!!
EdithWeston, that's an excellent question, one of them is pretty remote as I say so there is actually a long driveway and you just sort of drop kids at the top of it (it is THAT idyllic...) The other one is more urban so could be trickier... it's a really relevant question.

It's good to hear feedback that fits my secret yearning... and it's a good point Barefoot that all they do is snack and watch a screen for an hour after they get home anyway... also a good point re the evening playdates.

It's very hard to find people in real life who are at the schools, I may post a new thread on here naming them and see if anyone has feedback!!

oh and v v good advice to try the commute for a week... though I guess the fact that I already approach that thought with dread might be significant... :)

So you'd be spending two, two and a half hours a day doing the school run?

How will that impact on your work?

I don't see any issue with it. I think you need to be organised with dinner, when she gets in she will be hungry, can you have food in a slow cooker, have her dinner ready etc? She won't last till 6pm when you eat for example. And always make sure she has a wee at school before driving home!!!

But that's just the early years. You'll cope!

When she reaches juniors, I think it will be lovely being able to chat so much in the car, about her day, her friends, her life. Testing her on times tables, spellings as you drive. Singing to the radio together. That's what my 7yr old DD loves doing! I think you will have excellent bonding opportunities.

It should be fine for your DD, but I feel the bigger issue is whether you can commit to it. Remember the drive will take you twice as long as it takes her.

I take my DS to school, round trip is 45 minutes in the morning and 1 hour in the afternoon as I have to park, wait for him and pick him up in the afternoon, whereas I can just drop him off in the mornings.

DS thoroughly enjoys the car ride where we do the following: chat, play word or number games, listen to audio books, listen and sing to music, listen to different languages and see who can remember them the best, or he often just reads a book to himself. He is now Y2, but we did similar things in year 1.

We will wait and see what happens, but in year 3 he can take the school bus. My feeling at present is that the time we spend together in the car is invaluable so I don't want to give this up.

Bernice - good question - am self-employed and have a job where I answer to no-one but myself, as long as long-term deadlines are met... if I'm at my desk every morning by roughly 9am (9.30...) and can work pretty solidly until say 2.30, that's a GOOD day of work. It's a creative job so I lose a lot of concentration by early afternoon anyway... and I've always tended to do some work in the evenings 2 or 3 days a week, as that's when I rev up again... So though it would be easier, in general terms, to have that extra hour at my desk, it's not remotely vital. For the right school for DD, I'm more than prepared to stick on a couple of evenings' work a week to make up the 'lost' time...

LL, I quite like the idea of all the chatting/bonding etc time in the car, may be more so than just her veging out in front of the TV when she gets back!! That said, the sheer grind of slow-moving SW London traffic can be SUCH a soul-destroyer that the reality might be me banging the steering wheel and swearing!!

That said, I'm actually really quite relaxed about longish boring drives, and would positively relish the rare 'me' time with the radio on when on the way back from drop-off and on the way to pick-up...

We walk 30 minutes to school every morning, 40-45 minutes home every afternoon. Half a year in - DS is 4 and a half.

At first it was lovely - great bonding time. Great for discussing the day ahead/what happened at school. As we were walking, it was also great to 'decompress' a bit. Sometimes we walked with other families - excellent for getting to know them.

A few weeks/couple of months in, it started to become decidedly less attractive. DS was totally exhausted, not physically but mentally/emotionally, and so getting home at 4:15-ish left very little time for anything at all, short of tea and bedtime. And I started realising that I would presumably be doing this same school run for the next 11 years. That is, 30 minutes there, 30 minutes back, 30 minutes there, 40 minutes back. 5 days a week. For 11 endless years! That's over a decade of my life! Just the thought of it dragged me down.

Another few months, and we have settled into it. DS doesn't know any different, so just gets on with it. We talk less, just focus on getting there/each lost in our own thoughts. We are used to the short 'days' now too and don't plan any other activities.
I am looking forward to DS being able to cycle it so that we gain more time at home/for activities/with each other.
Occasionally I get a bit jealous when I see other kids get home a full hour before we do (their schools end sooner and they have shorter journeys) - the things we could do in that hour! Having an extra hour every day - how valuable would that be. Imagine the things you (or your DC) could achieve, the fun you could have, with an extra hour every day.

But that is walking. It has some unintended benefits - me and DS are getting fit! And DS gets to spend time outside/run around/is getting a close-up understanding of seasons/plants growing/weather changes....
So overall I'm ok with it. But I don't think I'd do 30 minutes driving if there was a 'good enough' school that was closer. I would get road rage, and I would pay the 'cost' of losing that daily extra hour without having the 'benefit' of all our outdoor activity and fitness.

(I guess I don't agree with those who say 'give them an iPad, that's all they'd do for the first 30 minutes at home anyway' - if we got home from a long day at school, and, say, a 10 minute drive, DS would be running about (preferably outside) for the first 30 minutes (at least))

I wouldn't personally spend 2.5 hours a day in the car just doing school run. I have a life to lead. We walk 10 mins to large state primary. Every time we leave the house we bump into some one we know. Kids love that.Great sense of community. I know tons of parents who are also great contacts for anything and everything. Weekly birthday parties are rarely more than 10-15 min away. Leaves loads of time for extra curricular sports. Mine are foundation level. Will get even better as they get older.

The "they'll all be coming from a distance" is actually a double edged sword though. Because you can then find that the people they want to invite back actually live the same distance the other way, so is 1hr10 minutes away.

I know someone that thought similar to you, but found that most of the children came from the housing estate 30 minutes the other side. They struggled with friendships because those on the housing estate had been in and out of each others' houses for years, and parents didn't want to do playdates afterschool an hour away when there were plenty 5 minutes away-even when offered to drop back.

1. It forces you to be self employed for the next 7 years. Things might change, but you won't be able to get a different job.

1. If these schools are so good what are her chances of getting in?

1. The school looks good but there is no way of telling if it actually is good till she's there.

1. How much difference realistically will there be between the closer schools and the further out ones? Important differences?

I think you're being swayed by beautiful grounds, which will have very little difference on her education.

I wouldn't sign up to such a long commute, for 7 years, when I had a closer option that was fine.

It will affect her extra-curricular choices, too. She will be able to do school-based activities (though you may then end up driving her back in rush hour) but any local ballet, Beavers, gym, swimming etc is likely to be too early for you to get her there after school. And that will mean she doesn't build up local friends.

I hadn't appreciated how important being physically close to all these activities would be - often there's no or tricky parking (London) so it isn't just a question of driving to save time.

I'd also say don't compare School A versus School B. What you actually need to consider is "School A plus sitting in the car for an hour or more a day plus inherent tiredness and less time that this will bring" versus "School B plus shorter journey and more time".

As an adult I have chosen to take a job for less money and opportunities because it is closer to home and I put a large value on more time and less travelling!! we live a mile away from my DC's school and we already find that the evenings are not long enough for all the things we want to do .

I think it's a good point not to be swayed by beautiful grounds. The DC really don't care as long as they have somewhere to play. Really valid points that friends could easily be an hour away. Mine have schoolfriends on all the roads round us. Afterschool stuff is all local. Even an amazing school could not replicate the feeling of belonging to their community that they get.