How long is too long a 'commute' to school for a brand-new primary-aged child?

[Everhart]

We live on outskirts of London and are looking at the private schools in our general area for our DD when she starts reception.

Two of the schools that I really LOVE the look of would be a 20 min drive in OK traffic, realistically more like 30-40 (max) in rush-hour traffic.

WE have no other children and are not planning any so I wouldn't be concerned about dragging another younger child on the school run. Also I work from home so although my time is precious it's not like I HAVE to be in an office at a certain time of the morning or worrying about getting away from work in time to make it for pick-up.

However... is that a pretty daunting commute, given that we are in London area, for a very young child? I was always driven about 30 mins to school at that age but that was because we lived in the middle of nowhere and EVERYTHING was a long drive away, so no choice.

There are a couple of schools I like less that would be more like a 5-10 min drive, maybe a max of 15 in absolutely awful traffic. But I like them less. They are not particularly spectacular schools; the ones that are further away are really terrific.

Also I have to think, I guess, about things like friends - if your friends are all a 30-40 min drive away, maybe even more if they come from the other side of the school, does that mean you don't get as much of an out-of-school social life as you need, eg after-school playdates, weekend parties etc - or are you just ALWAYS in the bloody car...?

We can't move closer to the amazing schools as we can't possibly afford it!!

So really the question is - amazing school but hellish commute, or fine school with easy commute?

I am aware of how tired 4, 5, 6 year olds get after a long day at school and would hate to do anything that would eat into time just mooching at home after a hard day.

WWYD?!

Fine school with easy commute, every time. It's only primary school... Sorry that sounds flippant, but in all seriousness, it's not worth spending that much of their little lives travelling just to fulfil some dream of idyllic grounds etc. Presumably the 'fine' schools are rather better than fine, if they're SW London indie, then there would've thought there must be a decent one closer than 40 mins away. I know what you mean - I remember the stress of these decisions before they start primary, but then they settle in and it really becomes clear, all those MNetters who said it's best to be closer to home, it's more about being part of a community etc. As long as the school itself is at least fine, then those are the things that matter. Save the commutes for secondary.

You need to work out if you want all your DD activities to be school based, and then be prepared to pick her up later from school and have a longer commute home, or if you want her to be part of her local community for activities? If you want her to be part of the local community, you may struggle to be back in time for Brownies, Cubs, dancing etc. Personally going to local clubs allows you to get involved in your DD life in another way. She will also make friends locally, which is invaluable for school holidays.
Once she is a bit older, does the school you are thinking about have Saturday sports? Are sports matches held on a Saturday?
Where we live a lot of clubs start early on a Saturday eg swimming club is 8.00 am, scholars ballet is 8.30, rugby can be pick up at 8.00 if it's an away match. Would your DD have the stamina for this after a long school day and commute.
Personally I prefer to have downtime with my DC cuddled up on the sofa, chatting about the school day, than trying to have a conversation with DC in the back of the car while concentrating on driving!

Just another perspective, to give you a different view.

We moved to a small village, lovely village school, with four children. Both of us work full time. We found that, although friends lived round the corner, we hardly ever saw them. Partly because of logistics - partly because as they got older, everyone was driving miles every night to an afterschool club, at least three times per week, but mostly every night, including (later on in the years) tutoring.

There is nothing local here, everything is at least a good 15-20 minutes drive. I found it funny that people criticized us for sending the kids to school half an hour away, yet were happy driving them to after school activities half an hour away every night!!!

The myth of living in a community was just that for us - a myth. My children ended up moving to an independent school in year 4. THEY feel more part of a community there, as they all do the same after school activities, are all in the same teams (netball, football, choirs, rugby, hockey, orchestra, etc) and they all have incredible friendships, even though they do not see each other much out of school hours.

The small village example very different. You're bound to have to drive distances if there is nothing local. But OP is in London, and ime the main way to tap into a local community in London is through the nearby schools/clubs. Double makes a good point about factoring in Beavers etc. God, just driving 10mins through London traffic to Beavers once a week does my head in! To do that after a long drive to school and back... No way.

I wouldn't even consider it. We have a five minute walk to the primary school. Ds leaves the house at 8:50 and is home by 15:25 (2:55 in infants). All his friends live locally and we have plenty time for swimming or other activities after school.

I wonder whether all those people valuing the bonding time in the car may be projecting onto their own children. I hated hated hated my commute to school when I was young, whether by bus or in the car. My eldest was champing at the bit to be allowed to walk to and fro school on his own in y4 and I think that the independence we were able to give him outweighs any green grounds.

If we have any sort of crisis, we have dozens of friends who can help out with picking up or dropping. Only last week, I had six kids for breakfast to help out their parents and it's a lovely thing.

But I loathe driving and it makes me very sweary. Any bad language mine might have picked up in their pretty deprived inner London school is nothing as to what they might have heard from me in rush hour traffic...

I agree with the small village comment - but I also think whether you are a SAHP or not makes a big difference. Many children with working parents will be back home at 5 or 6pm anyway, even if they go to a local school, unless of course they have a nanny.

I'd also be dubious about bonding time in car. IME DC are often tired after school, the traffic is often bad and not much bonding is done.

We were in the exact same position when our DD started reception. We decided it was worth the drive. It did take 1 hour & 15 mins to drop & get back and even more to collect from home & get back home. Was quite painful to be honest. But the bigger issue was DD. She was tired even before her day had started! And all the rush & parking stress added to it all. Finally we decided to move closer to the school in the interest of her well being (and our sanity!). Best decision ever! Now we have friends who live nearby, great social group at school, frequent outings with friends over breaks and best of all the school is just 10 mins away! Amazing difference! If we hasn't gone private I'd say a 10 minute walk is the best distance!

This was our second choice of school. The first was closer but more stressful & longer drive! I must say that at primary age this is quite a big impact!

My ds (5) has a taxi to school. It takes about 45 minutes there and 35 back (not rush hour on the way back). 45 minutes is the maximum the council are allowed to transport primary kids for. He actually does very well but it is tiring for him. We have no connection with the area all the mainstream kids live in so no play dates (the taxi kids tend to play together). Though I suspect that would be less noticable in a private school. It just takes one activity after school for there to be no time for homework.

wow this is all terrific food for thought, thank you so much eveyrone for posting.

Soveryupset, yes, I hadn't thought of that actually, re the getting home thing, my sister's kids for example, though they go to school locally, do several after-school clubs largely as a form of childcare and on one day a week get picked up by a CM, so they are never home before 5pm despite finishing at 3ish, because both parents work out of the home.

That said, thankgoditsover, maybe you're right about the car trip thing, it's just so hard to know when DD is still so little whether she would just hate it or not (DH is a godawful passenger in cars and I fear DD has inherited his dislike...)

Great points about local activities eg ballet, brownies, hadn't even thought about those.

It's not just the lovely grounds, honestly!!! IT's really, really not, the school I'm really in love with and the other one I also really really like end up with the children at a really fantastic range of secondary schools, whereas the more local school has far more limited results in that area. They're all non-selective, so it's not just that the first two are taking the brightest kids (still never sure how you can assess that at age 4 anyway...) but there's obviously something being 'done' at the two favourite ones that means the children end up in some fab secondary schools (both state and private). If we're going to be paying a lot of hard-earned cash for any of these schools, it feels sensible to be doing it for something that will really matter. For example, the 'dream' schools both place children in several of our favourite secondary schools whereas the 'fine' school doesn't send any children to those schools at all.

The 'fine' school is, by all accounts, on the traditional and old-fashioned side and I'm not sure that would necc suit DD, who is a bit of a maverick.

As I say, if we could only afford to live closer to the other schools, we would... our other indie option close by, which we aren't considering at all, is a known-to-be very pushy and academically-focussed school, selective, which just puts both of us right off. We are both from extremely academic backgrounds and have a morbid phobia of DD feeling that she is being pressurised to succeed academically just to 'fit in' with her wider family iyswim?

OP I would find out how many evening activities such as school concerts, plays, halloween parties etc you preferred school has. Our local private school has quite a few, along with Christmas plays and concerts on Saturdays and Sundays. Are you prepared to make the trip back again in the evenings or weekends?
Do the children play after school in the grounds, where they can make friends and you meet the other parents? Don't under estimate the value of forming friendships with the others parents. Will this happen if you want to get home before rush hour?
Can you DH do the journey if you aren't well or unable to do it?

A child in my DD's school lives 8 miles away. None of the other children live in that area. The parents are well & truly fed up of the school run. If one of the parents has to do both ends then they end up spending the day at a local Starbucks as it appears pointless to spend 2 hours each trip & be home for 4 hours in between. They have done it for 4 years now & not a day goes by when they regret this situation. But they love the school & are looking to move closer - even though they'd be left with only 4 more years at this school. They also have only 1 child, mum works from home & dad has a flexi job. Weekend parties, school events, holiday clubs & play dates are even harder with the whole day being spent driving up & down!

However there are children who do commute from a different location albeit 8 miles as well. They use the school coach which is much more easier on the parents - and more fun for the children as they have friends to chat with. It's a really wary start & long day for the children though.

I would say if you don't plan to move nearer to the school - ever - then you are signing up for a difficult task which may not be as worth it as it appears now.

In your place I would do a trial run of drop off & pick up for 5 days in a row - with the child & exactly during school hours. It will really be a true proof of whether you want to do it.

• do NOT regret

Hi there - I know this is a really old post but I have just come across it now in the same situation. Am really interested to hear what you ended up doing and if you think it was the right decision?

I had a long commute of 30-40 minutes by car to a private school. Mother and I argued constantly in the car. The trip meant getting up quite early. I lived far away from my friends, and saw them rarely in vacations. Could you consider a local state until 8 and then try the commute?

My GD has a 30 minute commute and once she went into yr 3 she started using the school which she loves. No problem with clubs after school as there are late coaches. One thing to consider tho, and I had this with DS as well, is that friends live far and wide and a play date may involve an hour’s journey each way.

@TheFirstOfHerName

Being part of the same community as their friends is important, especially when they are older and go out to play, after school meet ups and of course activities.

Yes, this. The commute didn't bother me as a child, but all my school friends living miles away really did, especially as I got older.

I agree, when I was 12 we moved to a new area and the nearest schools were full so I went to the only one that had spaces. It was the opposite side of a very large town, and took around an hour each way on the bus.

As a teenager, I had absolutely no friends whatsoever who lived anywhere near me, so evenings, weekends and school holidays were the pits.

@BerniceBroadside

So you'd be spending two, two and a half hours a day doing the school run?

How will that impact on your work?

I was wondering this and then if you have to spend more time doing work as soon as you get in is DD left watching TV rather than spending time with you and doing hmk together.

My DC is at a private primary that is 45 mins away from home and we use public transport (tube and then bus) to get there. DC is in Year 2. Was very tricky in reception as DC was extremely tired by the end of the day, but now it’s absolutely fine and I love the time to catch up in the morning and afternoon during the commute.

For KS1 I would go for less than 20 minutes.

DT’s had short walk either end and about half an hour on the Tube. DH took them and I collected. They had breakfast and after school club each day. Their classmates had similar journeys. Once they were 11, they went on their own and often met friends on route.

I think with private schools distance between friendships is more likely to be longer as people tend to travel more to get to them but if others are travelling far like you it will not be conducive to parties/playdates.

The bigger issue is how much time you will be spending in the car. Do you know if your current working hours can be maintained long-term? I wouldn't personally like to be committed to a school that can only be reached by driving a long distance with nobody else who could help out in an emergency, certainly not for primary age where public transport isn't an option. Also, traffic in the London area can be so unpredictable.

What about extra curricular activities? My kids do stuff nearly every night so that really adds to the exhaustion!