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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Is it okay to ignore mums who tag along on play dates?

51 replies

MrsFogi · 29/01/2015 22:38

Following on from another thread - is it okay for me to ignore mums who insist they must accompany their children (in years 1 or 2) on play dates ie the ones who insist on turning up at school and then dragging along to my house (or sending their nannies to do so) and sitting there for hours whilst the children are nowhere to be seen (because said children just can't cope with going somewhere on their own )?

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StandoutMop · 29/01/2015 22:42

Do people do this? If anyone offers to entertain one of my DC, I wave them off happily. Even better if I can get rid of 2 at a time and ditch the school run altogether.

But, if I did go along, I'd expect a cup of tea and at least some passing chat. But I wouldn't go, unless other parent was a friend and I was invited.

Blueblueblueblue · 29/01/2015 22:42

No! Of course not, tea, biccies and chat are de rigeur.

scarlettsmummy2 · 29/01/2015 22:45

I normally make lunch for the mum too when I have children for play dates! Certainly wouldn't ignore the parent, but I wouldn't invite a child whose mum I didn't get on with at at least some level.

longtallsally2 · 29/01/2015 22:51

Long time ago, but I seem to remember that I used to pop along for a cup of tea the first time ds1 went to someone's house. If my child is spending time with you/in your home, I'd like to get to know you a bit. Never had a nanny to send along, but did find it quite an eye opener, seeing what some parents allow their - and my - kids to do when they are quite small. Most were lovely and I certainly didn't hang around once I knew they were fine.

Original poster

MrsFogi · 29/01/2015 22:51

Perhaps I have been getting playdates wrong - I normally have children over after school (ie pick them up, give them dinner, let them play but get on with what needs to be done in the house). But occasionally have a mum who insists on coming along and it throws everything out (particularly if all the dcs don't have someone to play and I'm trying to get some to do homework quietly in the kitchen whilst others play elsewhere in the house). I thought by year 1 or 2 they should be big enough to go on play dates without their mum…if they're not when will they be?
I do invite the mums in for coffee at pick up but just find the idea of 3 or more hours of entertaining after school (so not getting the usual stuff done and having to do it later) a real pain.

OP posts:

Galena · 30/01/2015 07:59

But you see, I'd rather not stay for a coffee at pick up time - I'd rather grab and go.

As DD has a mild disability, I need to be fairly sure that the child or mother has a pretty good handle on her capabilities before leaving her with them. For example, a good friend has a trampoline in her garden - as we have - but hers doesn't have a net round it. Terrifies me, but she knows to hold DD's hand if she goes on it so I'm happy.

If I wasn't sure about your house and if there would be any particular dangers for her that you might not be aware of then I'd prefer to check it out a little first to reassure myself that she will be ok - and to warn you about things which might be an issue (say your child ate sitting on a stool at a breakfast bar, for example. DD couldn't do that safely - she needs a back to a chair)

Anacoreta · 30/01/2015 08:01

What Scarlet said.

Seeline · 30/01/2015 08:27

By Y1/Y2 I would not expect to see the parent until they came to pick the child up to go home. I might text the parent to say we had all met up and got home safely, and to see you at 6ish (or whenever).
I have never imposed myself on the host family - why go to pick up when you don't need to?

claraschu · 30/01/2015 08:36

Sometimes people like to use their small children to try and make new friends. This is not a crime.
If, for instance, you have just moved to a new area and are a SAHP with several children, you might look forward to meeting other parents. The children break the ice, and you may find a few kindred spirits among their friends' parents. Otherwise it can be quite hard to meet people in your community.
It sounds like you are very busy and have no interest in meeting random people, but they might just be trying to get to know you because they think they might like you.

Caronaim · 30/01/2015 08:41

You would need to know someone, and their home, before you let them take your small child there alone!

Mintyy · 30/01/2015 08:44

Oh that's awkward! I agree, by years 1 or 2 the child should be happy to be left by the parent and its incredibly presumptious of the tag-along-parents to assume they have been invited to stay too!

Has it happened a lot op?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/01/2015 08:47

You can't really ignore someone sitting in your house without seeming very rude. But if you don't mind that go for it.

Glittermud · 30/01/2015 08:51

I'm the same as you. A major factor in inviting kids over after school is that it frees me up to get things done that I otherwise wouldn't be able to. I don't want to have to make polite chat. The only exception is if it's my closest friend and we have a great time cackling in the kitchen.

I have a friend who insists on accompanying her children and she's very nice, but it is an effort to keep the chat going. They're coming round next week weary sigh

So, yeah, you're not alone.

Glittermud · 30/01/2015 08:53

Plus, the fact that she insists that she tags asking extends to insisting that I yeah asking to her invites too.

Because of this I avoid inviting her kids around.

rabbitstew · 30/01/2015 10:26

I think it's fair enough, if the other parent doesn't know you from Adam and you've invited their 5-year old round to your house, that they might want to find a polite way of checking that they can trust you with their child before they leave him or her with you (ie coming in for a bit to talk, without having to say it's because they are checking you out! Doing this at the end of the playdate is, frankly, several hours too late, really, isn't it?...).

Expecting to come round for an entire play date every single time your child is invited out, regardless of how well you know the other family and home situation, is a wee bit odd, though, and does make me think the other person might be a bit lonely and keen to make new friends, or have a child that is a bit clingier than average, or needing extra attention they don't want to have to tell you about. It's just a teensy bit peculiar, if the invitation is for your child to come round to play, to assume this includes you!

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 30/01/2015 11:19

I always went with DS on his first play date somewhere new. Why on earth would I send my child off with someone unknown and a strange house.

Once the first ones over you know if you trust the person and the house is safe (no dogs/smoking etc) and can make a judgement call for next time.

We mainly hosted so it was never really an issue.

redskybynight · 30/01/2015 12:16

By Y1/2 I would not expect a parent in tow. I would be carefully edging them out of the door. Or I would offer a quick cup of tea, and then suggest they pop back later? I also used playdates for getting stuff done, if I wanted a guest over for myself I would invite one!

NancyJones · 30/01/2015 12:23

I think it's fair enough to do this in reception class and in my experience it's quite common at that age. But I've never known it in y1 or y2.
And I'm not sure what lunch has to do with an after school play date? If you're taking about inviting a 3yr old then that's a different matter and I mostly had 3yr olds round whose mothers I got on well with. But the op is talking about 6&7yr olds.

You pick them up, give them a snack, chuck them in the garden or into the den depending on the weather, you make them dinner then you send them home. Very little interaction required and it frees me up to give more time to one of the other 3. This is the norm, surely?

Samcro · 30/01/2015 12:24

i would never ignore a mum(not sure about a nanny)

MildDrPepperAddiction · 30/01/2015 12:29

It would depend I. How well I know you. There are some houses I'll let DS go to alone and some where I would want to stay or get to know the parents a bit better first.

Bilberry · 30/01/2015 14:31

If it is the first time we are hosting a child and the mum doesn't know me then I always extend the invite to a quick cup of tea for the mum. I am not normally taken up on this but sometimes I am which is fine. I sometimes like to do the same.

Madamecastafiore · 30/01/2015 14:34

It's rude to ignore anyone.

Why would you want to make anyone feel uncomfortable by doing so?

Greencurtain · 30/01/2015 14:43

I'm quite surprised at people who say they use play dates to get housework/other stuff done. I would get stuff done when my own kids are here, in their own familiar surroundings but I watch visiting children more carefully (I am talking about Y1/2 age and below, Y3 if a naughty visitor!).

Usually you don't stay for Y1/2 play dates and older but I think at 5yo, you very well might if you don't know the host family at all.

I know of a party where a number of parents dropped off reception children at a kids party at someone's house and when one of the parents turned up unexpectedly in the middle of the party, she found the host parents drunk and paying zero attention to the kids. I can't understand why people are so trusting. I hated leaving mine when they were small and needed adult supervision in case they didn't get it.

redskybynight · 30/01/2015 15:46

The point of the play date is for the children to play together. This means your child needs less adult input than normal so freeing you up to do other things. If I have a child over after school I generally give them tea, which also requires me to go off and cook it - which I can't do if I have to entertain a parent!!

If you insist on tagging along to a Y1/2 child playdate, when do you stop? When you are happy the parent follows your parenting ideals? When they are older? DD has made friends with a girl at her school who started this year - they are Y4 and I've never met her mum, but I hope she doesn't expect to come round when they have a playdate!

rabbitstew · 30/01/2015 16:48

The point of a playdate is indeed for the children to play together. Whilst this sometimes results in a freeing up of the parent to do other things and everyone being happy, it can also result in your having to keep intervening to stop them killing themselves/the family pets/your other children/destroying your property/losing little bits from your children's favourite toys so that they can never be played with again/getting absolutely every toy your children have ever owned out for no apparent reason, then leaving the bits all over the floor while they get something else out/drawing in pen on your wall/ending up at opposite ends of the house not playing with each other at all and the guest coming to you asking to be entertained/your child complaining the other child is getting out every toy they've ever owned, etc... Surely there's no fixed rule for anything that involves children and their parents? Sometimes, everyone ends up happy, sometimes, you wish their parents had been there to sort their little brats out, because you didn't invite their child over so that you could play with him!

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