Is it okay to ignore mums who tag along on play dates?

[MrsFogi]

Following on from another thread - is it okay for me to ignore mums who insist they must accompany their children (in years 1 or 2) on play dates ie the ones who insist on turning up at school and then dragging along to my house (or sending their nannies to do so) and sitting there for hours whilst the children are nowhere to be seen (because said children just can't cope with going somewhere on their own )?

And no, not all children have grown out of this behaviour by the time they get to year 1...

There is no "By x age children shouldbe able to go to a strange house with an uunknown parent straight from school without parent ever darkening the door til 6pm" it's utter nonsense.

IMO by 8 a child should be able to be left home alone for half an hour, by 3they should get tthemselves dressed without help - and allowed to pick what to wear. By 8 they should be able to cook a meal without much supervision. By 7 they should be able to lay, and light, a log fire and be responsible enough to own a pocket knife and use it for "whittling". A 3 year old should be able to chop veg with a round ended but otherwise ordinary knife.

Should ? Oh wait - that's just what my kids can do and I am happy with. I'd bet 90% of MNers disagree with some of those.

2 of my kid's were happy with drop off play visits at 3. One wanted desperately to socialise and drop off was normal in his friendship group but he just could not do it til nearly 7 - the exception being if he was close enough to walk home alone, then he was fine. So for 3 years almost all his afternoon play "dates" were at our house, or at the houses of the 3 boys who live within 100 meters of our house. You can think what you like about what he should have been able to do, he'd go rigid and scream before he'd cross the threshold of a house other than our own without me, or get in anyone else's car - even though his older and younger siblings were fine. His friends came to us, except for the ones whose parents went out of their way to say they didn't mind me staying or I was welcome - and often his little brother too, unavoidably, though his sister was easily sent to play elsewhere. He's over it now, at last.

Child's capabilities aside it's a leap of faith to let your 3 or 4 year old go to somebody's house without you the first time if you've never met them nor been in the house even briefly. I could not do that - I'd always drop off the first time, and think a 10 min coffee is normal to suss each other out and see child is settled, though if all was well I'd have no interest in sitting about for 3 hours unless with my own friend.

I find the standards on MN madly contradictory - your a terrible person if you leave a 9 yo home in their own safe house for 20 mins, but you're over protective/ neurotic/ clingy / pfb if you aren't delighted to have a total stranger put your 3/4/5 year old in their car and take them off to a house you've never seen and won't see til you pick them up after they've been there 3 hours. Odd. Odd, odd, odd

*you're

My kids have friends around d almost every day, or go to friends, btw and I largely do ignore the kids except feeding them and don't expect parents to come - but the older 2 have had the same friends for 4+ years, I'm thinking of the initial stages when you don't know each other at all.

I make play dates a social thing for the kids and their mothers, who tend to be my friends. Last summer was great, pizza and chips for the kids, nice crisps and Prosecco for the mums, all sitting outside in the sun.

Well, all conversations like this are really about people totally lacking empathy for others, aren't they?...

I just wouldn't invite that child back again. Yes, it would seem rude to leave someone sitting in your house so you could get on with all you need to do, but the really rude thing here is the other parent inviting themselves in, in the first place
I would just say - in the playground when they first started following you / turned up at collecting time... "Oh, have we got the date wrong, I thought Joe was coming home with me today, to play with Bob?" if they made any noises about coming too, at that point, I'd have been clear that I'd got work to be getting on with and that the dc would be off playing with each other, and that I didn't have time to sit around chatting for the duration, that 'Joe' would be fine and that I'd drop him back at 6 as agreed.

I've managed to bring up 3 dc, without ever going round to play with any of their friends and without ever having any of their friends parents wishing to come round and play at mine. Amazing.

Have they come a way, or are they local? If they've travelled, and it's more hassle to go away and come back, then some te and sympathy is in order. And a chance to chat to your child's firiend's parent/carer. Not necessarily convenient on the day; think of it as an investment.

Backforgood woop de doof for you - but your attitude is horrible. As rabbitstew says, not an ounce of empathy

Why is it horrible, MrTumble ?
Empathy for what ???

Genuine question.

If I were the only parent who never went over to play with my child(ren), or if I'd ever had a parent who wanted to come round to play, then, I could see that there might be reasons, or that you could consider me to be some hardened bitch, but, as I said above, I've got 3 dc, all now past this stage, and never has any parent ever thought they'd like to come and hang around my house while their dc played.

To make sure I wasn't living in some kind of weird area, after one of these threads previously, I asked several of my peers - friends, colleagues, a neighbour, family, but nobody had ever had a parent of a school mate of their dc want to come to their house when their 5/6/7 yr old was asked round to play. Nobody could understand why you would want to either.

So I'd genuinely like to know why you would want to do this.

As others have said, the point of having a child round to play is that they entertain each other for a couple of hours - host parent can get on with stuff they need to do, parent of invitee gets a couple of hours off. Why would you choose to spend that sitting in a stranger's house ?

I think you need to supply tea, biscuits and chat tbh. I can't believe they send a nanny!

After each cup of tea I might comment on the complete absence of children and ask if she wants to go and get some other stuff done, & I'll run DC back later, or something.

Backforgood have you read all the posts in the thread? Galena pointed out why she needs to accompany her DD the first time she goes anywhere new due to a mild disability, and I posted about one of my (also) 3 children could not cope with going tostrangers houses without me until he was 7, despite desperately wanting to.

Lack of empathy for anyone whose children might not cope with being picked up by an adult they barely know/ don't know and taken to a house they have never been to and don't have an "escape route" from. Lack of empathy for anyone who might not be comfortable with someone they don't know taking their small child off to a house neither they nor their child has ever been to, and at which the parent is clearly unwelcome. It staggers me that on MN where people can be so overprotective in some ways, the prevailing attitude is that if any adult offers to take your kid away you should be happy and not expect to spend a few minutes getting to know them and having a cursory glance inside their home while you drink a quick cup of tea, to alay fears that the house is a crack den there is anything - big dogs with the run of the house, or people smoking indoors-- you're really unhappy with that might seem too normal to mention to the other family. My DD has a friend whom she's been friends with since she was 3, but only now she is 9 are she and I comfortable for her to be there alone - they have farm equipment (a lot of it dangerous to small children) in the yard which the kids in the family climb on, a huge bark dog, and her friend's older brother used to terrify her and the mother never intervened when he'd chase her, as he was like that with his sisters too. If I hadn't gone with the first time, I'd have had a very upset child when I picked up, and the risk of a very badly injured one. Now she's old enough to be sensible and to walk home if need be I let her go there if she wants to.

Yup - I've read the thread. Obviously people would make adjustments for the child's special needs, but the OP started this thread about parents who want to hang out at her house, not a particular situation where one child has an additional need, or overwhelming shyness/lack of confidence. She was talking about a mother wanting to come for a chat for 2 - 3 hours.

Also - these children are in Yr1 - they are not Pre-schoolers. They've been going places without their parents for a year and a half now, at least, most probably at least a year more than that.

I could ask, have you read comments from StandupMop, Seeline, Minty, GlitterMud, redskybynight, etc? For everyone I know in RL (as I said above, I have actually been round and asked people after being amazed at threads like this before), having a child round to play after school, means they play with each other, and each parent gets on with their own life, in their own homes.

Oh! I've just remembered one time when a parent did come - her family had just moved to this country, and her ds had no English yet, so she asked if I'd mind if she came with him. Of course it wasn't a problem, as the reason then was that it enabled the ds to come. But that was an exceptional circumstance, like those you mention, not just a parent being a pain.

Obviously, if you want to meet with a friend of yours and the dc can play together at the same time, as some posters have said thy do, that's lovely, but it's not the situation the OP is talking about.

Bloody hell I was thinking y1 and 2 meant 1st and second year in secondary school (age 11-12). I was nodding along until I realised you meant 5 - 6 year olds. No chance would I let a 5 year old go out to someone's house I didn't know without me.

Backforgood in the long run drop off is absolutely normal - once you know the parent and set up a little bit. But sending a child to school (where they go every day, where - in the UK - you drop them off and have seen inside and met the teacher St least briefly) and where you know the staff are qualified and police checked is nothing like letting some random er who just happens to be a parent or care giver pick your 5/6 year old up in their car and take them to a house you've never seen.

Most kids here play out and call for each other or are dropped off at 2pm and picked up at 5.30, but after parents have got to know each other a little bit - it is normal and polite to invite the parent in the first time they drop off - they usually bring cake, host provides coffee, generally guest child parent makes their excuses and leaves after drinking coffee, chatting and seeing that the kids are settled (and the unwritten quick assessmentthat the home is somewhere that "feels" ok to leave the child.) Same is reciprocated on first return invite. Eminently sensible and not to do it feels vastly more negligent than the MN no-nos of encouraging kids to play out or stay home alone for half an hour at age 8+ I can't get my head 'round not doing this kind of very informal, discreet (but everyone does it so everyone knows and accepts it) risk assessment the very first time a 5 or 6 year old is left alone in a strange place in the care of an unknown adult.

I'm the opposite! If I don't know the parents at all then I prefer to have the parent over with the child (DD is 4) - it lets me get to know someone else and also helps me get to know what their requirements are (do the parents have any strong views on food/ TV, for instance?). I fell foul of a couple of unaccompanied play dates in the past so probably overly cautious now...

I've just visited this thread again. At the risk of bringing down the wrath of mn on me - Thanks Backforgood, I'm glad I'm not totally alone - I'm talking about 7 years olds here (with no special needs) and I'd be picking them up from school (ie the mum wanted to come to school/meet us at my place). Tbh I find it an absolute pain when people want to do this as it means I don't get to help my older dc with homework. I love having playdates (and my dcs have loads of them) as they all just stomp off and play wonderfully imaginatively for a couple of hours with a fishfinger-dinner break.
I got out of having the mum over in the end by saying that if she preferred my dc could go to her place if her dc was worried about coming to us first - suddenly the dc was okay coming on her own.

I agree at 7 years old things should be a little different, but you said y1 and y2. Children only reach 7 during y2, and by this stage in the year fewer than half the y2 children will be 7. I was talking about my 5yo y1 child.

I just hate the "should" this and "should" that.

I think you have things twisted - a child older than 7 "should" be able to do their homework without needing much parental input at all; in fact non bar reminding to do it most days (my 7 and 9 yos get daily homework, usually an hour or so worth for the 9 yo if she works properly, and half an hour a day for 7 yo - they both do it alone in their rooms, I send them to do it, answer queries/ explain the odd thing, and spot check when finished.)

A parent "should" have an interest in getting to know an adult who is going to have sole charge of their young child away from home, and seeing inside the house they are being taken to briefly.

Those are my "shoulds". Yours are pretty much opposite.

Parents "shouldn't" assume what suits them works for anyone else - presumably there is a reason why your older than 7 yo needs so much help with homework that it makes it impossible for you to admit another adult to your home and make them a cup of tea while homework is ongoing? It's not up to me to decree that that "shouldn't" be the case any more than its up to you to decree that parents of 7 yos "shouldn't" want to see inside your home or chat to you once over a cup of tea in your kitchen before they feel comfortable with their child being whisked away by you.

i probably knew the parents already by yr1/yr2 so it seems v clingy to want to stay for a whole playdate. maybe drop kids off n come in for a coffee? tbh though it sounds a pain and i just wouldnt bother
(if its the nanny, i would def ignore, sorry)

After the first time you only stay if the child needs you to, which by 7 is uncommon but still quite possible. What's with all the judgemental "should" this and that though - there are 101 reasons a child might not be ok to stay alone, though by 7 99% of kids are after the first time.

My 7 yo had a new friend over on Monday - they've been in the same class since they were 3 but never had much to do with each other. However friendships seem to be shifting atm and for the first time DS1 invited him over. I tutor the mum so had forgotten she hadn't actually ever been in our house. She hovered on the doorstep waiting to be asked in, so I invited her in for a coffee (I'd have tidied more if I'd remembered he hadn't been over before so she was likely to want to come in ). She had a coffee and chatted then took her leave - I was mildly embarrassed about having washing up on the side and a floor probably in need of mopping, but that was hardly her fault - it'saabsolutely normal she came in for 20 mins given neither she nor her son had been here before, and the boys played happily.

If someone made it clear I wasn't even to drop off - they'd take my child from school or nothing - I really would be and wonder what they were so embarrassed about in their home...

Why would you all definitely ignore the nanny? That seems rude. They are there for the same reason the parents would be surely, and have probably been instructed by parents to stay so have no choice

Here all parents have stayed so far and ds1 is 5. Tbh I usually make sure they stay as well, their child is welcome over to play, but I don't want to have to parent another child really so it's easier. Some 5 year olds visiting still want help with toilet!, some run off outside, some are menaces ( and won't invite back), so at least parent can tell them off/ run after them.

Also we live in a flat. The living room/ dining/ kitchen/ play area are all in one large open space, so neither of my children have learnt really to play away from an adults view. I can't guarantee they wouldn't get up to mischief if they went somewhere and were left playing alone for ages, so I like to keep a vague eye on them

Where does it say that we'd all definitely ignore a nanny? I've missed that bit entirely, of course I'd feed her tea and biscuits like anyone else. The conversation has switched to mums but I can't be the only one who just hasn't come across any nannies in the playdate world.

When I host a play date, I have no expectations of what is going to happen in that 90 mins or so (reception aged DD so keeping them short). Sometimes the children go off & play well together & are happy to have younger DS tagging along and, in those circumstances, I can get on with something whilst keeping an eye & ear out & intervening when necessary. Other times, I have to keep DS distracted & out of the older children's activities. Other times, I have to play with them all as, for one reason or another, the DC just aren't gelling. Other times, there may be a mum or a nanny over. If the latter & the children are playing, then I see nothing wrong with making a cup of tea, chatting & sewing on nametapes, cooking our supper etc. I can chat & do that.

Just stop inviting the kids whose mums insist to tag along, if they dont take a simple hint such as "oh no need for you to come this time, the kids are happy playing on their own, and I need to help dc1 with homework". If they insist, and you cant back out of the offer, then just think of them as not compatible for playdates with your family in future.

Sure, for a first playdate in Reception or Y1, I think it is fine for parent/carer to come along for a tea and a chat, but not going forward, unless there is a specific reason.