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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD about to start at a C of E school. I'm in a same sex relationship. Concerned about reaction.

35 replies

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 08:51

Hi all

My DD who is in year 3, will be starting at a new school next week. Obviously I'm anxious about this anyway, but there are several other things thrown into the mix, which make me extra concerned.

She has mild SN (undiagnosed) has had group work at her last school which was actually very helpful, but overall her main problem is her lack of social skills.

Her old school was C of E, but her new school comes across as a level up iyswim. As I mentioned, I'm in a same sex relationship and I never really came out at my DD's old school, as it just didn't seem necessary and I wasn't really close to any of the mums.

I don't know if i'm right or wrong to be concerned. I'm really worried that my DD will be bullied because of her SN and because of my relationship. It's not new. We've been living together for over a year now and my DD thinks the world of her. My DP is very much part of the family and I don't want to worry about how people will react. I'm not a religious person myself, but my DD liked the religious aspect of her old school and tbf, this new school seems to be a very good one.

I know we're in 2014 and I'd like to think times have changed and that nobody will bat an eyelid, but I just don't know. We've had some hateful, frankly disgusting comments in the past, but I don't think they were religiously motivated. They were just idiots.

I was even considering mentioning it to the HT when we have a visit later, but not sure if it would be a good idea. I thought maybe I could ask if there are any other same sex parents at the school.....but then I don't know if it's necessary.

Am I right to be worrying so much about this?

TIA

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CocktailQueen · 26/09/2014 08:57

I wouldn't mention it, just like you wouldn't mention any other relationship! Not their business. I'd concentrate on your dd settling in and making friends and making progress, then take it from there. Good luck!

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 08:59

Cocktail, thanks.

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HolidayPackingIsHardWork · 26/09/2014 09:04

My children go to a CofE school. There is a boy in my DD1's class who has two mums. It's been absolutely no problem for the last 6 years. He is invited to parties, has friends, etc. The two mums have never been ostracised or harassed by the grown ups as far as I know. We are on the same wave length and I chat with them a lot.

I hope you have the same experience.

EBearhug · 26/09/2014 09:04

I wouldn't mention it, either - however, if it's of any comfort, I've a gay friend who is in the process of ordination.

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 09:09

Holiday, I really hope so too. Thank you. I'm a natural worrier anyway and so things like this will play over and over in my head. As I said before, I know times are changing, but we've still got a way to go.

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Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 09:30

Just wondering, those of you who think I shouldn't mention it (all it seems) Why do you think this? I know it should be irrelevant, but when you're part of a minority, it's always nice to know that you're not alone. Also, would be good to see what his reaction is. Tbh, it's probably going to get brought up anyway. No doubt they'll ask what my husband does for a living or something similar. I guess that would be an automatic in.

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mummytime · 26/09/2014 09:35

My DCs went to a very Christian C of E school, did allow and discuss Harry Potter but had a very Christian ethos. However they were fabulous about same sex relationships, and handled a trans-gender pupil very well. They had had the children of a pretty famous person in a same sex relationship through a couple of years before mine - it really wasn't an issue.

I'd be quite open to ask about it, or make it clear, when you visit.

To be honest around here you';d be more likely to be gossiped about if you tried to cover it up, as people are curious about secrets - but if you are open you are not that interesting, really.

Doodledot · 26/09/2014 09:59

I am with mummytime. There are at least two DC at our school with two mummies and prob loads more with same sex parents. Just act as any other normal parents and mention it as appropriate eg we have had one mum do drop off and the other pick up, both appear at parent events and nativity play etc - I have never known any issues as it's seen as a normal variant of family make up

ireallydontlikemonday · 26/09/2014 10:02

I don't know if this is any help but my cousin is I a same sex relationship and their daughter started at a catholic primary convent last year an they were worried too. The head reached explained the catholic ethos of the school was to provide a caring environment for children for ALL backgrounds / family set ups and it has never been an issue. Not that is should be but they were glad to have it clarified the school would support them.

Wolfiefan · 26/09/2014 10:05

My kids have both gone to CofE schools and I do go to church. Your relationship wouldn't affect my view of your or your DD. I believe we were made by God and in the words of Lady Gaga "I'm beautiful in my way cos God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track baby I was born this way!"
I would talk to the HT but about the SN and how they plan to help her.
Hoping your DD settles in well.

rhetorician · 26/09/2014 10:11

I am lesbian mum of two daughters. I totally disagree with the posters who say not to mention it - if it isn't mentioned then it has the status of a secret, and that quickly suggests something shameful - not in itself of course, but in a child's mind. It's a pain in the arse to have to come out to people all the time, but in my view complete openness is the only way to go. Think about it: if you don't tell people in the school then you are expecting your DD to come out for you! and that's a tall order with even the best social skills (my DD1 also struggles socially). We have been totally open with everyone who is in the children's lives - neighbours, doctors, teachers, everyone. So when DD started school, most people already knew that she had two mums, and she didn't have to offer this information herself. Good luck!

TeenAndTween · 26/09/2014 10:30

Even if you don't mention it, presumably both you and your partner will be mentioned on emergency contact forms etc?

rhetorician · 26/09/2014 10:48

also, your DP sounds like she wants to play a full part in your DD's life, so that will (presumably) involve drop-offs, pick-ups, school fetes, parent-teacher meetings etc?

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 11:11

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate all your advice and it's lovely to hear some positive stories.

We just came back and it went ok. Poor DD was trying so hard to fit in, but goodness, she really does stand out :( These children seem much more grown up than the children in her last class. When she's nervous, she tends to try too hard. She desperately wants to be liked, but most children don't really know how to react to her.

I didn't mention anything about my relationship. I decided that unless it came up, like I said before, about husband's job or whatever, I would just leave it. Starting to wish I had said something now.

rhetorician, she does play a big part in DD's life, but she works full time and leaves the house well before DD goes to school and doesn't get back until quite late, so she won't really be doing the school gate mingling. Would make things easier in a way, as then it would just be obvious and there would be no need for me to keep explaining it.

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rhetorician · 26/09/2014 11:17

there's two approaches really - either let it come up as and when, or an announcement. I'm not a big fan of the latter, but I do think it's helpful for key people in the school to know this very important thing about your DD and her life. In terms of school gate stuff, mostly I just did it as it came up, along the lines of "yes, my partner x, y, z, SHE..." nothing more than that.

Is there a big age range - when DD started school the oldest children were already 5+ and the littlest ones nearly a year younger, which is huge at that age. And not all children (people, come to that) are socially confident. What kinds of strategies do you give her? We try suggesting things to DD1, but in the moment they all go out of her head, bless her

mummytime · 26/09/2014 11:22

Well you can just let it come out naturally. Surely some of it will come out automatically when you have to fill in paperwork about people to phone in an emergency?

I would suggest you talk to her teacher very soon, give them all the background information you can, and ask when would be best to discuss any problems your DD is having. Have you spoken to the SENCO yet? I would pass on as much information as you can, as it can take quite some time for school records to be passed on. And it can all help to nip problems in the bud and help your DD settle in.

It is usually the more mature children you meet first, as they are often the ones asked to "look after new ones".

If you get to know the other Mums a bit, after a while you can choose either: the friendliest or the biggest gossip and let them know.

Mumto3dc · 26/09/2014 11:28

I actually would mention it. Not because I feel it needs explaining or justifying, but just in case it did become an issue for your daughter.

Your daughter should be able to be completely open about her home life and I would be worried she might get some of 'but you can't have 2 mums' type stuff from other children.

Teachers might need to know so they can be quick to step in and explain different family types to children who only have experience of mixed sex relationships.

micah · 26/09/2014 11:31

I agree with rhetorician. Don't do the formal announcement, but don't hide it either. I wouldn't stand up and announce I am heterosexual, so why should you? I wouldn't not refer to my DP's sex either.

There are lots of homosexual parents in our community. Behaving normally helps everyone else accept it as normal. If someone refers to their "partner", it's pretty much assumed they're same sex!

re. the fitting in. It helped my DD to see that she was fine, and shouldn't change herself to fit in. If she wanted to play x game, fine, if she didn't, then there was absolutely nothing wrong with saying no, going and reading a book, starting her own game or whatever. Fitting in isn't everything, sometimes it's better to be different:)

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 11:33

rhetorician, yeah I think I'll just have to go with the former. DD is quite open about it I think, but of course I don't want her to feel like she has to, to defend me or anything. I think mostly, she's proud of our relationship. She has so many lovely qualities, I just wish I could make things easier for her. She's older than in years in some ways and in others, she's very immature. More like a 4 year old I'd say.

I don't think there's a big age range, no. It's quite a small class and from what I saw, they all seemed very similar to one another. Regarding strategies, I try and keep it minimal because I don't want to overwhelm her, or make her feel like she's different. Although she is already starting to feel like that. I tend to just tell her to be herself and that she doesn't need to try so hard. I ask her to think about things she could ask her peers etc....how could she start a conversation off and things like that. Do you mind if I ask what kind of strategies you use?

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Seriouslyffs · 26/09/2014 11:35

As Mum2 says I'd mention it to avoid any 'double take' from the teacher. Is there not a 'anything else we should know' box on the registration form or contact detail?

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 11:36

She's older than her* years in some ways

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Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 11:37

Ooops *she's older than HER years in some ways

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AmberTheCat · 26/09/2014 12:09

If it were me, I think I'd let the class teacher know, so that she or he can be sensitive to and supportive of any difficulties your dd might have. Not that I'd anticipate any prejudice - more that children make assumptions about families, and it might be helpful for the teacher to pre-empt some of those, or at least be ready to support you dd in answering any questions she might be asked. I suspect her classmates' interest will be pretty short lived - there are much more interesting things to do when you're seven than talk about parents! - but it might help your dd deal with any interest in a positive way. A bit like parents telling their child's teacher if they're splitting up - it's not really any of the teacher's business, but it's useful for her or him to be aware of it.

FWIW there are at least two families with same sex parents at my dd's small C of E primary school, and as far as I know there have been no problems at all.

Good luck to your dd at her new school!

rhetorician · 26/09/2014 12:12

really simple things: "My name is DD1, what's your name?" or "would you like to help me with this [insert game]", or "i like the picture on your t-shirt", anything that enables the other child to engage with her in a low-key way. Sometimes I have to help her out. We were visiting my mother in the summer and there was a little girl on the swing next to DD who asked me to push her (her dad was ignoring her), so I said "is that your little sister? DD1 has a little sister, what's your name, DD1's name is x" and once I had done the introductions so to speak the two of them went off to play for ages and hugged goodbye at the end. Support her but give her concrete things to do or say - I think "being yourself" is too abstract for her - ask her what she thinks are good things about herself, or what she does well and try to get her to build on those. It is awfully hard, though, and there is only so much you can do. DD1 had a pretty good first year in school and settled much better than I expected. She has now realised that the alpha girls are not going to be her friends, and is making her alliances elsewhere. As we all did in our time Also most schools are very focussed on developing social skills, so that will help her too, and the kinds of teamwork activities they do are also good for learning co-operation etc

sorry - wrote an essay!!

Original poster

oreocookiecake · 26/09/2014 12:41

Just a quick one before I pop out....

Sorry, just noticed I crossed post with a few of you. Didn't want anyone to think they're posts weren't being acknowledged. I'll post properly when I get back

Thanks again everyone. This is really helping

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