Parent threatening to smack kid in reception cloakroom

[CreepyLittleBat]

Please be gentle with me, this is a genuine question and not just being judgemental. In the reception cloakroom today one of the 4yr olds was crying (not remarkable imo, in the first few weeks of term) and his mum shouted "Stop that noise or I'll smack you in front of all these people" - I am an ex teacher and my instinct is that this isn't right. I know some people think smacking is ok and I want to live and let live, but to me there's something odd about the "in front of all these people" - as if it's only the other people who've stopped this happening already? It's not the first time she's threatened her ds in everyone's hearing. On a selfish basis I don't want my dd hearing this and thinking hitting is ok because an adult does it. On a non selfish basis, and here's my question - should I mention it to the teacher/school? I don't want to be an interfering old bat and I know how difficult kids can be, but this (esp. the wording) worried me. What do I do if she carries out the threat? I don't feel like I can stand by and watch that.

Some people threaten to smack and never do it. Some people manage to make the sweetest remarks horrible enough to give you nightmares because of the tone they use.

Point is nobody knows why the child was crying. Nobody but the op knows the tone with which it was delivered and that would be subjective anyway. The phrase itself would not lead me to report it. If I had been there and the parent's general demeanour or level of aggression had garnered my attention then I may will have done what the op did.

I can manage to not smack my own children without branding everyone who doesn't make that choice a child abuser.

Does it matter why the child was crying??? He was clearly upset about something and its downright horrible to tell anyone, adult or child, to stop crying. It means swallow your feelings and shut up because I don't want to hear it. This kind of stuff damages children, believe me. And that's without the threat of a smack on top, which I can't believe people are excusing .

What else counts as 'parenting style'? Sending a child to bed hungry? Telling them to shut up? Telling them they're stupid? Threatening to damage or break their things?

OP, be proud. You did a good thing today. Trust your gut next time

Lotta has your child never put on the water works because they knew they were in trouble? Seriously?

You are assuming this child was upset at coming to school. They could equally be upset because they stabbed the family dog in the foot with a pencil before school and got told off. Some children are very good actors and actresses at a very young age. My dd would be one of them.

Do you understand the difference between approving of a course of action and not making sweeping judgements based on scant information?

'Put on the waterworks'. Lovely. I'm not assuming anything - I'm talking about the fact as stated by OP that the child was crying.

Horrified by this thread. I'm off.

Horrified by the 'parenting style' brigade, not the OP by the way

Lotta - sending your child to bed hungry is clearly neglect unless the parent literally has no money for more food for their child. Telling them to shut up is normal behaviour. I'm always tell my DD to stop singing when I need to concentrate. I always hear parents saying "can you just shut up.' normally when child is being a pain. Never letting them express themselves is different. Calling a child stupid and threatening to break their things are very poor parenting but I don't think they are abuse except if they happen on a regular basis. Outside of MN a lot of people express themselves in ways they shouldn't / later regret but that is not the stuff of child abuse in isolation.

Parent are not perfect they don't always treat their children perfectly. Doesn't mean it amounts to child abuse though.

The minding everyone else business brigade are out in force again I see.

Honestly people aren't perfect parents all the time and those who think they are have the children no one wants anything to do with!

Well done - you were right, just in case

I have on occasion had to tell my two that there will be smacked bums. I've probably even said it in front of other people at school. It's an empty threat because I've never actually carried it out. They don't know what it would feel like to actually be physically attacked by a parent so they have nothing to compare it to or be afraid of. I think they're vaguely aware of some dreadful punishment and that I'm cross. Probably sounds awful though.

What do you think the school can do on the strength of your phone call OP?

Wow, this thread has moved on since I absconded! People, the child is four years old.

Elephants the way people parent is none of my business. However when the parent brought it within inches of me and used me and the others present as part of her threat, she made it my business.

mrz if you are genuinely interested, the school can keep an eye on the situation in general, and specifically they can have a member of staff in the cloakroom in the morning to make sure everyone is ok. That's what they think they can do.

So your comment about the parent getting the help needed was just rhetoric

We have had people pass on such information, and have school staff witnessing such things too. We also note when school staff see things out of school too, and sometimes when we are told of things happening out of school by other parents.

At our school such things are recorded on a cause for concern sheet and filed. If the same names come up regularly or staff feel things need further investigation then these records come into play, and it is all about building a fuller picture.

This has proved to be very beneficial in recent years and has helped get more than one parent appropriate support.

Of course, it might just be a one off or an off the cuff remark, but no harm s done by the reporting of the event if you felt uncomfortable about it.

Is the mother from this country?

The reason I ask is because I've noticed that some parents that are new to our country can be particularly strict with their children, which may seem odd/wrong to us, but could be the norm where they come from.
Possibly smacking isn't seen as a taboo in their country, whereas it is in ours.

Quite a few 'foreign teachers' teaching in this country have got into trouble for precisely this reason (thinking of the teacher who sellotaped her pupils mouths because they were making a noise as one example)

We have fairly strict standards of what is right and wrong (rightly so imo), but we have so many different cultures coming in, that we are seeing LOTS of different parenting styles.

By the way, I think our way (discouraging smacking) is the right way. I'm completely against smacking.
I think you should mention it to the teacher anyways. (just in case)

I don't personally agree with smacking children. However it is perfectly legal so I don't understand why the school need to be aware.

You did the right thing. Either there is a lot more going on, or a parent needs a bit of support, or it was a one-off comment that meant nothing. Whichever it was, you can sleep at night knowing your intentions were good and maybe you have stopped a child being physically hurt.

I don't see how it is wrong to say that the parent(s) may get help as a result of this. In our school, we run parenting classes for quite a few families who may not otherwise be able to access help or may not realise that they might need it, and quite honestly some of them really really need an outside perspective. There is nothing wrong with flagging up an issue so that the teacher can refer on to whoever she thinks most appropriate.

Because the parent hasn't done anything that the school could take any action over. Yes they can put a member of staff in the cloakroom but they can't prevent the parent making the threat.

But - rightly or wrongly - it is still legal for a parent to smack (or threaten to smack) their child. So you have reported a parent because they do things differently to how you think they should, and there is nothing anyone can do about this. If I reported every parent I heard threaten a wallop (or actually did it ) I wouldn't be off the phone...

Perhaps you need to read the post that I was responding to tiggy ... The school can't take the kind of action suggested ... As for recording the fact that a parent had threatened to do something that is perfectly legal unlikely unless there were concerns already.

Perhaps you could have asked the mum if she was ok?
Can you help her with anything?

This is last resort frazzled parenting ime.

In this instance I would prefer to put my hand out to her than potentially make life more difficult at this stage.

smacking is still legal
its like reporting someone for threatening the naughty step