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Has anyone's DC had bad seperation anxiety when starting reception?

35 replies

EugenesAxe · 14/09/2014 19:12

My DS seems to have developed severe separation anxiety after starting reception last week. He was OK day 1, quietly welled up day 2 (not helped by me not realising I was still allowed to go in with him), asked(while getting increasingly traumatised) to give me 'one last kiss' a few times, then had an extreme tantrum/cry after I left because he again wanted to give me another kiss. But basically it would have just gone on - something the TA said to me and I agreed with.

He went to the HM's office to calm down (not a punishment - just what they do) and was happy the rest of the day. Today DH tried to go for a bike ride of maybe 20 minutes and the same thing happened - 'I want to ask Daddy one last thing!'. Then extreme crying and screaming 'I want to catch up with him! Put me down! Let me go!' (I was hugging him). It cleared within maybe two minutes but he was really thrashing at me in the initial stages.

My DH stayed to have breakfast with DS on his first day but the next three nights was back after bedtime. Normally he's not a presence in the week much. I say this because it may have a bearing - DS is quite needy about DH in some ways; he also gets confused saying things like 'Is Daddy coming tonight?' - like he doesn't realise this is DH's base or he's similar in his presence here to grandma and granddad (who come once a week, and before school whom we saw probably one other afternoon).

He shows signs of separation anxiety in other ways - not liking the dark, not liking to go to sleep, having bad dreams. DH also has a bit of history for this; I Googled (don't shoot me) and apparently it can foreshadow depression later in life, which is something that has mildly affected DH, and can be hereditary. If you've experienced this, do you have any advice or words of comfort? To my knowledge, DS has no SNs. Thanks!

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EugenesAxe · 14/09/2014 20:31

Bumping for evening traffic.... feeling a bit more alone with this so far! Not that it's anyone's fault.

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juliascurr · 14/09/2014 20:39

yes, dd had it v badly. school dealt with it by manipulating her to go in, then ignoring it Sad
eventually, she was a refuser at 2 schools; we then got her in to a great school where they acually dealt with it and she was pretty muc cured, though she remains anxiety prone
you need a school you can work with to help him
move school if nec

HSMMaCM · 14/09/2014 20:42

Yes. Moved school in year one and wished I'd done it sooner

sunshine7981 · 14/09/2014 20:42

My son has also been really upset starting reception. Lots of tears every drop off and clinging on to my leg for dear life. He has had separation anxiety on and off, and problems sleeping and with the dark too. No advice but hoping it will improve. Just trying not to linger at drop off as this seems to only bake him worse!

Iggly · 14/09/2014 21:18

I would suggest you need to give your ds a sense of structure so he knows what to expect.

So, have a chart up on the wall at home for the week and set out the days, whether dh is home or not and the days for school. Do the same thing every morning for school drop offs. Perhaps put a keyring on his bag with his name and a picture so he has something special to go in with.

I wouldn't be as worried about the bad dreams or being scared of the dark as those are normal fears for most 4 year olds. My four year old has a night light, we talk about his fears a lot (I don't try and brush them e.g. oh it is only x, I just sympathise) and comfort as much as possible.

EugenesAxe · 14/09/2014 21:47

Thanks everyone. It is early days so I hope it gets better; I can't believe julia and HSM you were let down that badly! He was OK at pre- school after a little while, so I hope it's just adjusting.

Good idea about the chart Iggly - I think I'll link it in with our calendar; kind of a reference thing. He always says 'what are we doing today Mummy?' - he has got a good memory but I suppose when he was at pre-school we did live quite randomly and routine activities were more hidden. Now there's less time for spontaneous trips out maybe he'll become more aware of a pattern.

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Caravanoflove · 14/09/2014 21:56

My ds has cried himself to sleep tonight begging not to go back to school tomorrow. Complete breakdown on the playground every morning, begging not to go back every evening.
I've no advice but I know how heart breaking it is.

EugenesAxe · 14/09/2014 22:02

Caravan Sad I hope you get on better soon

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Caravanoflove · 14/09/2014 22:14

And you. Hopefully there may some good advice fr

Caravanoflove · 14/09/2014 22:15

Oops, hopefully there may be some good advice from others who have new there/also going through it on this thread!

Fishstix · 15/09/2014 09:56

Mine. Tears every day, begging not to go every morning. Needing to give me 'one last kiss/hug' at school and at home now when he has previously been fine with me nipping out or going out for the day. It's horrible. He was begging 'mummy please' silently as he went in today. :(

Fishstix · 15/09/2014 09:58

He's my second too...thought it would be a breeze this time round...

EugenesAxe · 15/09/2014 17:44

Poor you fishstix - I just hope it does get better. That's exactly it - suddenly he's needing to keep me there all the time when before he was OK. He is getting more tantrummy too but I think that's tiredness in part.

DS was upset again this morning but not as badly; fingers crossed it is getting better. It seems it can strike anytime; some friends report DCs being fine at the start and then regressing week 2-3, others that the move to Y1 can be bad.

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Fishstix · 15/09/2014 22:02

We're trying a sticker chart after this morning...with something he's wanted for ages once he does a certain amount of days. It feels a bit like I'm bribing him to keep his emotions quiet, but I really believe he likes quite a bit of his school day and if he could feel settled about the separation first thing I think he'd be much happier overall.

Glad to hear it was better for you today eugenes...fingers crossed for you tomorrow. (And yes I've heard the same about sudden worries...also heard that in general boys are more likely to struggle than girls with that aspect...though that's anecdotal evidence!)

vladthedisorganised · 16/09/2014 11:51

Yes! DD is normally a really outgoing little soul and it's baffled me. The school seems lovely and she's really happy when she comes out of class, but she does get very clingy when I drop her off.

She seems to be making friends, but I wonder if part of the issue is that a lot of children from her class went to the school pre-school and she's a bit left out. She did mention something this morning about one of the boys in her class being 'really noisy and it scares her' which is pretty out of character (noise is more an issue for me than her!).

I would be asking for a quiet word with the teacher if a) I knew how and b) she seemed unhappy at the end of the day, but she does seem really enthusiastic at the end of the day so I'm hoping that it will get better with time..

Not easy when they're so clingy though - I feel like a crappy parent at times!

EugenesAxe · 16/09/2014 16:38

It's improving but he's still having to leave... today though it was about 20-30 secs and he was fine (a friend caught me up and reported this).

The teacher was nice to me though, and said 'Don't you dare apologise!', which finally broke me; I felt such a tit welling up by the door. But I too was OK :)

I must say that my nerves were a bit frayed after a morning tantrum because he wanted to 'Catch up with the pigeons' in our garden. Initially I laughed because he said 'I want to catch the pigeon', but after he'd been crying and pleading for five minutes I kind of lost it....

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hiccupgirl · 16/09/2014 16:48

Mine is very on and off but tbh he has gone through periods of extreme clingyness and separation anxiety throughout drop offs at his nursery that he went to for 4 years. It was a rare day when he left my side without a fuss of some kind.

We had 2 fantastic days of school drop off where he looked a bit lost but then was ok. 3rd day I had to leave with him screaming for me and the teacher holding him. Today was day 4 and he was ok again. Tomorrow we'll see...

DS is an anxious, shy child who finds change hard but I do know from nursery that he always went on to have fun and to settle down after I left.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 16/09/2014 17:01

My DD (outgoing, confident etc) is in her third week and has only just started showing signs of anxiety at drop-off. It's weird because she went to the school's nursery (and never had any separation problems all year) and her classroom was next door. 85% of the children from nursery have gone up with her into reception so I thought it would be a really smooth transition. And until two days ago it was. I guess any change can be stressful and you can never underestimate their reactions.

melonballer · 16/09/2014 20:29

Eugenes, I have a similar problem with my DD and absolutely no idea how to deal with it. Like fishstix, I tried a sticker chart with the same reservations but it has completely failed. DD, in full time nursery since 7 months old, has completely lost the plot with respect to school. I wish I had some great advice but I've come to your thread in rather despair hoping that others have offered you advice I can pilfer! I had to peel DD off me hand over hand this morning with her screaming all the way through. No one made a move to help. I had finally to threaten her first with loss of sticker, which she couldn't give a flying fig about, and then with loss of a promised trip to see her best friend to get her through the door. I could hear her crying for me down the street, at lunch she ate nothing, and she fell asleep tonight in front of In The Night Garden, a programme for 2 year olds. DD's teacher has been a solid pain in the rear in trying to sort this out and made the situation ten times worse, so tomorrow we're trying a new plan, which is to take her to breakfast club at the school in the hopes that a different drop off environment won't cue her anxiety so much. If I could afford it I'd take her out of reception and keep her home for another year (summer child) but I can't afford another year of childcare.

Kaffiene · 16/09/2014 20:38

We had this last year. Dd went in happy as for the first week. Then it seemed to dawn on her that it was forever. Wk2 up until Oct half term were so sad. The thing that really seemed to help her was giving her an (imaginary)kiss to put in her pocket. Whenever she felt sad or missed me in school she could put her hand in her pocket it and know I was thinking of her. I also had to reassure her a lot that I was doing fine without her and I was just doing boring jobs. Outside of school lots of structure and calm time helped too.

summerlovingliz · 16/09/2014 20:46

We too have gad first upset this morning which is day 4. DS has been absolutely fine until today.. Bless them, it breaks your heart! I remembered my own mum hugging me and telling me through her hug she is passing me courage to be brave. I have tried this tonight and told ds I will pass him some more courage on the morning, this seemed to go down wellSmile hope they all settle soon

summerlovingliz · 16/09/2014 20:48

Kaffiene I will be trying a kiss in his pocket tomorrow.. Thanks

StillProcrastinating · 16/09/2014 21:58

Our school suggested giving my DS something from home to keep in his pocket, but he was too scared of losing it so wouldn't take anything. I tried taking him in early, so that the classroom was quiet. Taking him late, so that the other parents had already gone. Bribery with packets of football cards. The only thing that really worked was the TA. He was eventually able to transfer to her, and she knew how to distract him. Once distracted, he was apparently fine. Although I know the school's idea of him being fine, and my idea of him being fine, are wildly different.

We are trying to transfer schools now.

Lots of empathy here.

Laundryangel · 16/09/2014 23:00

The only thing I would suggest is to keep asking him about different aspects of the day & see if one aspect of it is actually the root of the problem. One of DD'S friend was struggling as they have an obstacle course in the playground and, by chance, all of this particular group of girls could do it other than DD'S friend and the friend was getting really upset about not being able to do it.

Didyouevah · 17/09/2014 13:37

Just checking in as I was tempted to start a thread of my own.

DS having a tough time.

He didn't want me to go this morning but it was just going on and on... I had to just kiss and go. Not my best move but honestly all the other parents hanging around just seem to prolong the agony.

He's my 2nd, and it did occur to me that suddenly he's lost all his 1:1 time with his parents (dad, mum and step-dad). He was at preschool 2 mornings a week, and a childminder for 2 short days. This meant he was very used to having some stuff to do without his sister around.

I'm going to make an effort to do a 1:1 "activity" Hmm with him at the weekend.