Have I made a mistake with my Son's school

[bigbadwritersblock]

DS started reception on Mon, after a few tears he's been really good about going in (he only attended nursery 3 days for 5 hrs so going 5 days is a big step for him) we live in south east London near to family (10-20 minutes away). Since having ds we have been thinking about moving to a more affordable area with countryside nearby. we were considering somewhere which would be 30-40 mins away from family on a good m25 day. Then two years ago my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, v early stages and between me and my sister we took him to every chemo/radio/consultation and visits when he was often in hospital (26 weeks of the year) he passed away last summer a few weeks after I miscarried an ivf pregnancy at 12 weeks. Loonngggg story short we just didn't have time to find a house and couldn't deal with the upheaval. We got DS in to what is considered a great local state school and thought we'd move him at junior school age as its separate in the area we like so a move for all children there (although children would have groups of friends moving with them not an entire class). My issue is that at this school drop off many mums are smoking, drinking red bull and wearing pyjamas. This is day 2 for children that attended the preschool and the children are already turning up late (is this normal? - some 20 mins after the school bell has gone - I had to stay to talk to school assistant) its a non uniform school and the 3/4/5 year olds have football kits on and wearing gel in their hair? Its just not what I wanted for DS to be somewhere that education doesn't seem valued by majority of parents. So options are - move him to private school for 3 years and find a space for him now/jan. keep with this school but move next summer to the area we were thinking of or stay were we are (is being near family more important?)

I just feel like I've made all the wrong choices for my DS and want to do what's best for us all.

Sorry to hear about your dad, and you're bound to be a bit unsettled not least because it's tough when they start primary, but I'd say is don't dismiss those parents. I reckon you might be surprised if you get to know them. My son goes to a similar school - he's year 6 now. His school is incredibly diverse and I've yet to meet one parent who doesn't want their kids to do well. I'd bet too you'll be surprised at how nice, kind and intelligent a lot are too. For example there's a notorious family in our school. Single mum, f's and blinds, five kids lots of different dads. One got excluded last year. I got chatting to her at sports day and she was thrilled as her eldest had just got through his GCSE's. She poured out loads of stuff, including the fact she's massively dyslexic, failed at school and is desperate for her kids not to. The boy who's in my son's class is brilliant at maths, yet can't read. They're troubled yes, but she cares hugely. I won't ever be her best mate, but I'm glad I've met her as she's got a good heart and our kids are friends.

Also let's face it whatever school you pick there's always someone who'd you'd cross the road to avoid - you'd find the same at a private school. A parent who lets a nanny do school pick-up/ drop off can't be said to care any more than a parent who gets out of bed (even if in their PJ's!) and walks them to the gates.

fwiw, I reckon meeting all sorts, knowing how to relate is all part of growing up so is invaluable. If it's a good school they'll sort kids from troubled backgrounds and level things out in the classroom. My son's got great friends and is genuinely having a wonderful education, so all in all I'd say hang on in there.

I would second what smee said. Our school is very diverse and that's one of the things that makes it so brilliant. If we had no uniform mine would be in their football kits as that's there fav clothes. We have a loose uniform and all sorts of stuff is seen sported by the kids... but that's not what matters. It's the education and life skills.

I wouldn't let mine wear pink doc martins, multi coloured tights, non uniform cargo shorts , yellow trainers, track suits etc but that's just my choice. Don't be fooled that fancy strict uniform makes a good school. I sure too that the majority get there on time

You're right - one of the reasons I loved the school is the diversity and that its still a high achieving school but its worrying me that I've seen parents late every day and its the start of term, one form per year so catchment area tiny so presume people mostly live nearby. I just couldnt believe children late on first and second day- parents not fussed by this. worried that in DS year group we will be in the minority and wont make friends, I know private schools aren't really our thing as my son had to attend private nursery as we have very few preschools locally and I barely met any mums with nannies doing most of the pick ups etc (though I presumed that was a London private school thing)

Smee wtf is this about? "A parent who lets a nanny do school pick-up/ drop off can't be said to care any more than a parent who gets out of bed (even if in their PJ's!) and walks them to the gates"

i think you'll find that a parent who requires a nanny / childminder to do school pick up / drop off cares enough to get a job and set an example of a decent work ethic.

Tranmere...yes, because mc and wealthy people don't neglect their kids do they?

Op...I live in a semi rural area.
Small village primary 1 form entry.
And yes, there are parents like you describe.
There is one particular mother who lives across the road from the school and her (many) dc are still always late!
Things to ask yourself;
Is your son happy?
Is he being given age and ability appropriate work?
Is he being given lots of opportunity to play?
Perhaps you will have a better view of how things are after the first parents evening? (Usually in October)

...and I'm very sorry about your dad x

on what f*cking planet does having to hire a nanny constitute neglect?

I really agree with Smee.
Our primary is very diverse, and I have come to appreciate lots of things that my initial mc prejudice didn't notice. For example, lots of stable families who have been here for years, with extended family groups, which give a strong sense of community.
We have loads of parents who are late. I often chat for a bit in the playground and then walk home, I pass lots of parents with kids on their way to school.

In fact it seems to be much worse over the last week than normal, and the school sent a text home reminding people about time. While I am early on first day and then relax, many people are struggling to get into routine and late to start then get better. The school does start to clamp down on it, approaches repeat offenders etc.

One of the worst offenders in our school is a 'nice' family, both parents professionals, notoriously late every single day for their dd reception year. Dad was on PTA, late for every meeting. It became a standing joke in the school. They are now more often on time than not, but I still see them at least once a week racing down the road.

I would say the best Primary school in my area (and not the one I sent my DC to , because I didn't know about it and its the other side of town), has parents a lot like the ones you describe. However I'd be very happy to send my DC there, as the teaching is lovely. The children try hard, although some of their backgrounds are very tough, and are lovely. I do know some parents who have moved their children from nearish and more mc schools to this one, because it is such a good school.

So concentrate on how well your ds is settling and doing. Those are the crucial aspects for now.

Stop worrying about the other parents, and concentrate on your own child's education. If you want to make friends, stop turning your nose up at everyone you think is below you and you might find some people are actually nice human beings.

On what ducking planet does not having one imply neglect?

Gosh there are a lot of stereotypes and generalisations on this thread! I too agree with what Smee said, although I can understand you worrying about the casual attitude to lateness.

I agree with Tranmere about the need for a nanny not being a sign of neglect though! I work in London and if DH and I didn't both have start times of 9.30am in the mornings, there is no way either of us could get DD to school ourselves. We would have to hire someone to do it, and I would be pretty upset to think that anyone regarded us as neglectful for doing so.

Also the point about the professional couple who were always late. Maybe they were just slack but, again, when you are working long hours and commuting, certainly on the trains in and out of London, timing can be incredibly difficult to maintain. Perhaps there is less excuse to be late for school in the mornings, but being late for PTA meetings I can easily understand!

Sounds a bit like our school. Ds started this week. First day and we say a mother yank her toddler by the arm and whallop him on the backside. Swearing left right and centre.

But but the school is lovely and there are plenty of parents who care (and, guess what, some of them work and use nannies). So my ds may mix with people who I don't really agree with but this will be a good thing IMO. At primary age it is the parents who influence children the most. It is at secondary you need to worry

frozen - I made the point about the professional couple, simply because lateness is not a class issue or an issue of parenting. It is an organisational issue for the family.
This family do not commute, we are not London. I know their work circumstances and really, it is not a work issue. As I said, it is a bit of a joke (with them, not against them) they are much better now. Some people (of all backgrounds) simply struggle with certain aspects of life.

How on earth does parents drinking red bull, pyjamas, hair gel or football shirts negatively effect your dc's education?

Dd and ds both attended a fabulous small State primary in a rather upmarket area of Hertfordshire.

We had parents brawling in the playground on more than one occasion because one SAHD had been having an affair with one SAHM. There were full on fisticuffs with the mums rolling around the school playground trying to pull each others hair out and right hooks being exchanged by the fathers. All in front of the children lining up to go in.

Another time during a long hot period a few of the younger mums who lived close by were coming to collect their children shoeless and in bikinis with glasses of wine in their hands.

Each school is very different, not necessarily any better

I thought smee meant just because the mother is in her pyjamas doesn't mean she doesn't care about her child's education the same way a mother who doesn't get to leave her children to school cares about their education.

Fwiw I was always early on the school run and hate my dcs being late for school but since dc4 (18months) was born, I have had maybe 2 full nights sleep, which means 5 hours unbroken sleep. So there have been more days than I would like that they have been running in the door at 9, don't be so quick to judge other people situations.

"Dad was on PTA, late for every meeting. It became a standing joke in the school. They are now more often on time than not, but I still see them at least once a week racing down the road."

Perhaps they had or have problems that you don't know about and they didn't feel like advertising to the world, but wanted nonetheless to try and contribute to their child's school.

If you don't like the school, then take your child out.

kleine - I have already posted again about this story. You are reading loads into something which isn't there.

I am not judging them quite the opposite if you actually read what I had written, I was making the opposite point, that any family from any background can struggle with any aspect of parenting.

I know the family well by the way. They are the first to admit they are just hopeless at time keeping.

Fair enough steppemum. I was probably projecting a bit.

Although, ironically, I was so early with DD this morning that I think we hung around the playground too long and it made her more clingy and tearful than she might otherwise have been. Going to have to try and strike a happy medium with drop-offs in future.

oh blimey, I wasn't saying people with a nanny are neglectful, I was just saying that you can't tell and appearances can be deceptive. Hiring a nanny can obviously be done by the most caring lovely parent in the world, or the parent who neglects their kids horribly and just throws money at someone so they don't have to have the faff.

sorry smee, sand dislodged. Sensitive? me?

:)