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Feeling so sad

27 replies

FeelingSadInside · 19/06/2014 14:55

After a disastrous 4 years at junior school, I've decided to move my youngest DS to another school.

Which I don't expect to be any better, I have no faith in any school. But I do expect it to be better for me and him, because we won't have all the history and mistakes and hurtful things hanging round.

I told the HT yesterday I was moving DS, and she was as mean to me as she normally is, saying she felt sorry for him being moved, and that school had done an excellent job and i was the one with a problem....

But mostly she was very surprised, even though I'd just written her a letter saying how concerned i was about which teacher he'd get next year. And she replied that she couldn't help.

And now I feel so sad and rubbish. Instead of being happy. There's nothing I want from school anymore. All i want is for my DC to grow up. But how can I stop feeling so sad inside? How can I stop dreading everything about primary school? How can I resolve these unresolvable problems?

They won't accept any mistakes were made, or that I have any reason to be upset. So how can I get 'closure' and 'move on'?

OP posts:
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carben · 19/06/2014 15:11

Maybe you could give us a little bit more to go on. You've not really explained anything other than you're sad and you want your DC to grow up( that is VERY sad BTW).

Jinty64 · 19/06/2014 16:05

You say in your OP that this is your youngest dc. Are your other dc's at this school and have you always been unhappy with it? Do you have history with the teacher that he would have had next year? Why don't you have faith in any school?

As you have decided to move him you should look upon it as a new start for you both. I can understand that you will feel upset if the head appears to have been mean to you but you need to move on now and make the most of your little boys remaining time at primary school. These should be the best days of his life and it is up to you to do your best to help him. Have you been to see the new school or spoken to the staff. Does your ds have any additional needs that could be addressed before he starts.

housebox · 19/06/2014 16:05

Oh dear. It's horrible how despondent bad schools can make you feel!

What have been the issues with the school has it been social or academic?

catkind · 19/06/2014 16:05

Whatever the history, that's a very unprofessional thing for the HT to say.

(Though I should imagine the circumstances would have to be absolutely exceptional for a school to change a teacher/class allocation in response to a parent's opinion, so not sure what you were expecting there.)

Lilaclily · 19/06/2014 16:08

Could you go higher up ? Report her to the LEA?

Hakluyt · 19/06/2014 16:08

Could you tell us a bit more about what's happened? Then somebody might have some ideas about how to stop it happening again.......

FeelingSadInside · 19/06/2014 16:26

The school has been dreadful. Some examples from the last 2 weeks:
On sports day one teacher said 'I hope I don't have you in my class next year'
When he told his current teacher he was taking the day off to look at a new school her response was 'that'll be an unauthourized absence' (she made no other comment about him looking round a new school)
And the HT telling me 'she felt sorry for DS because I was moving him'.

The school has 4 forms which are jumbled up every year. So they absolutely could have put him in any one of 4 classes next year. But she didn't try to address any of my concerns or even try to talk to me. She just wrote a formal letter

We've looked round the new school and they were lovely. In fact they knew my current HT and I could tell from their face exactly what they thought. But in the end they managed to 'look professional' and said 'she's a bit of a marmite character' (ie you either love her or hate her)

I guess I'm really sad that I didn't move 2 years ago when things got bad and I didn't move 1 year ago when I was still so unhappy. And I'm really sad that we're leaving on such a horrible note.

OP posts:
FeelingSadInside · 19/06/2014 16:33

Jinty - yes I have history with the head of year who taught my other DC and I was concerned DS would get him as well.

I've only been unhappy with the school for 2 years. Before that I thought it was better.

And I haven't been unhappy with everything. There's been some good things.

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tiggytape · 19/06/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeelingSadInside · 21/06/2014 07:49

I think I'd like to approach the HT and say 'I don't want to leave on bad terms. . Is there any chance you could wish me and DS all the best for the future?'

Do you think that would be OK?

I'm finding it very difficult to be positive about the new school at the moment because I have lost all faith in all schools.

I really want to, somehow, leave this school on a more positive note.

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Partridge · 21/06/2014 07:56

I'm sorry that things haven't worked for you. I'm afraid you can't change other people, only the way that you respond to them, so I wouldn't approach the ht with an agenda.

If you want to leave with a clear conscience that you have handled the situation entirely appropriately, then by all means approach the ht and wish her well - but leave the last bit out. It makes you seem needy, gives her the power and a coerced goodwill gesture from her won't make you feel any better.

Good luck with the new school. See it as a fresh start and try to be positive for the sake of your ds.

Casmama · 21/06/2014 08:04

Don't ask her to wish you well for the future, you are just giving her the opportunity to kick you in the teeth.

I think you need to be a bit more sure of yourself and ignore what this woman is saying- you have concerns about her and her professionalism so why worry so much about what she says and why mention what the new teachers may or may not think of her?

piratecat · 21/06/2014 08:06

realistically given your description of how unpleasant the school has been, i wouldn't have been surprised at her attitude.

not surprised but i understand you hoped for a better attitude.

really all not can do is accept that actually YOU have done all you can for your child and are making a positive step now.
leave the head it, move forwards for you and your child.
it will get better. x

tiggytape · 21/06/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlesRyder · 21/06/2014 08:49

You seem very personally involved in the school- they have made you really upset.

Maybe at the new school you could step back a bit? Especially as DS is that bit older. Think of it as his school not yours. Communicate with them mainly by bookbag. Then perhaps you will not feel the way you feel now where a school is personally getting you you.

IsItFridayYetPlease · 21/06/2014 09:03

But mostly she was very surprised, even though I'd just written her a letter saying how concerned i was about which teacher he'd get next year. And she replied that she couldn't help.

Without knowing any of the back story, I was thinking about this. You've written to the HT criticising the teacher, and clearly wanted your DC moved to a different class. Is it standard practice for parents to decide which teacher their child gets and expect them to be moved to a different class if they don't like the allocated one? Once we have allocated classes, reflecting carefully on the balance of children, their friendship groups (good and bad) and where the child will work best, we rare help parents by swapping them all round again if they don't like it. It takes days to sort class groups and to change one opens the floodgates to all parents and it becomes totally unmanageable.

FeelingSadInside · 21/06/2014 10:30

Classes hadn't been allocated yet, which is why I asked now, when it could have been done totally unobtrusively without anyone knowing it has been done.

You're all right. I'm too involved and it's a bad idea to talk to the HT again.

Thanks. You've put my mind at rest. And I'm starting to make peace in my mind. It's not my fault - although I was part of the problem. That still doesn't make it my fault.

I'm doing the right thing moving. I need to keep remembering this. Nothing else matters.

And DS is really looking forward to moving.

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Deverethemuzzler · 21/06/2014 10:36

I am moving my DS in September. It sucks. I had already moved him from a mainstream school to his current one. I had expected him to be there until he was 16.

I loved the school for a couple of years. They taught him to read and he thrived. I was really upset when things started to go wrong and kept making allowances.
When it became clear that the school was failing us and they did a really awful thing last year, it was very hard.

He is going to a better school for him but I don't like the feeling of having left a school because it didn't work out.

I know the school (HT) would rather drink bleach than admit they have done anything wrong.

So I am left with the guilt of 'maybe if I had tried harder'....

Just leave and move on OP. Learn from the bits you think you could have done differently and just go from there.

Twodownonetogo · 21/06/2014 10:52

We moved our son from a school that could not teach him efficiently. He bored and miserable there. The head teacher was disinterested and ineffectual. The change in school was dramatic as in a complete turnaround in my son, he loves it.
Stop beating yourself up about not doing it sooner, at least you are doing something now that will really make a difference. I might make one suggestion though, you mentioned that you could tell on the face of the HT at the new school that she perhaps disapproved of the HT at the school you are moving from. Don't look for personal opinions from the teachers regarding the old school, keep yours to yourself as well. It would be unprofessional for any staff to make a poor comment and unwise of you to personalise the reasons for your move and make them so transparent.

RockinHippy · 21/06/2014 11:02

I moved my own DD part way through yr6 - it got so bad, that I took her out & homeschooled for a term until we could get her in elsewhere.

The only regret I have, is that I didn't do it years ago - I thought all schools were the same too - they are not - her new school is VERY different & so much better for DD who now loves school again & I can relax sending her - something I've not been able to do for a very long time

Don't feel sad, feel happy that you are doing what's right for your DS

I have my happy, bubbly, confident DD back thanks to the move :)

insanityscatching · 21/06/2014 11:21

I moved dd in y1 after struggling with a particularly awful teacher for more than six months. I am so glad that I did because I sent dd to her current school a self harming nervous wreck.She will leave soon happy and confident having had a lot of fun and experiencing only good, kind, honest and committed teachers and TA's in the past five plus years.
My only regret is that I didn't move her sooner.
Smile and don't look back as you leave ds's school for the final time and look forward to things being different next time.

Italiangreyhound · 28/06/2014 02:07

FeelingSadInside good luck for your child at this new school. I am sure it will work out much better. Don't beat yourself up about mistakes made by you or that you think you might have made. You are doing your best. The school sounds bad and you are better off with your child elsewhere.

Who knows maybe OFSTED will come along and do an unfavourable assessment on them sometime and they will have their hands full with that!

I certainly would not ask a person whose professional or personal behaviour I did not value to wish me well. FeelingSadInside wish yourself well. This person has no power over you and you must do what is right for your son.

Start afresh and fill your mind with positive thoughts. Be brave. Bless you.

FeelingSadInside · 28/06/2014 07:34

Thanks. I spoke to the new school again and decided to start there on Mon.

I haven't seen the old HT at all - and no longer care what he thinks. Although he did find DS yesterday and according to him 'tried to manipulate me into staying' :)

The deputy HT found me and DS and genuinely (and unprompted) wished us both well.

But more importantly I now feel really optimistic about the new school and am looking forward to DS starting on Mon.

I've also realised I'm leaving a bad school. I guess I thought I was leaving a good school and that was muddling me. But now I've realised the number of things I'm unhappy with, or have been unhappy with, are shockingly high and shockingly important (both teaching concerns and pastoral concerns) and I realise it is a bad school and that's why it's a good idea to leave.

OP posts:
FeelingSadInside · 28/06/2014 07:38

It's not me. I didn't disagree with school because I have a problem. I disagreed with school because they made important and damaging mistakes.

OP posts:
PastSellByDate · 28/06/2014 08:51

Feelingsad:

Oh boy have I been there and I know this isn't a great help but time and steady improvement with your child's school work will heal many a wound.

I've posted endlessly here - especially about poor maths curriculum and Halloween-gate (teacher told 8 year old children they're going to hell if they trick or treat). These are just the tip of a very long list of worries/ concerns/ angers toward St. Mediocre.

My feeling is that moving school means you don't have to deal with them anymore - and a parent who's not getting on well with a school/ doesn't trust them is never a good situation for the parent or the school.

Going forward give yourself little projects. If your DS is struggling in an area - reading or maths - help there. If you DS is doing great school-wise but doesn't have many friends yet, get him signed up for clubs next school year (sometimes sheets come round now/ sometimes first week(s) of school).

Give yourself time to be angry and in fact to grieve, becuase part of this is parental expectation -- you had high hopes and imagined going to primary school would be a wonderful experience and in fact your 'vision' of what school should be like has died.

Use the cynicism as a strength. I'm unremittingly critical of teachers who shirk responsibilities, who prevaricate, who are economical with the truth, who cannot communicate clearly what the objective is, who cannot simply inform me how my child is doing and what I can do to help with the next learning targets for my child.....

I know that parents at my old school say that they've had to get active because I'm not there to stand up at 'curriculum meaning' - 'inspire' workshops - class meetings to ask those hard questions. One friend said that a teacher's comment was 'I thought Mrs. PSBD had left our community?' I just laughed and told my friend 'You learn well, young jedi!'

Schools need to be held to account by parents - not just governors (usually hand-picked/ friends/ like-minded teachers in my experience locally) or OFSTED (who can only make a whirlwind visit and may have other agendas - i.e. let's fail these otherwise good schools and force them to become academies - never mind that families will move out of the area, enrollment will drop for a few years).

Embrace your roll as an unimpressed parent. Be that advocate for every child in the school who is their to learn and deserves teachers who are dedicated to making that happen - not just ticking boxes/ writing novels of end of Year Reports which are virtually identical for children in that ability level (just replace name).

Finally use your anger constructively - do what you can to help your child if they're behind where they should be. Encourage their interests and I sincerely believe in encouraging them to do more than just enough. I really feel strongly that this 'just do the minimum' culture sets in at primary and its terribly damaging going forward.

You will get through this and trust me you will laugh about it later.