DS and best friend being split up for Y1. Feeling sad.

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DS is 5 and in reception. For Year 1 there is a class reshuffle so all the children were asked to name 3 children they would like to stay in their class for Year 1. My DS named his best friend and 2 others, his best friend named him and 2 others. But I found out yesterday that they are being split up and they will stay split up now thoughout primary school.

I'm really sad and I know my DS will be devastated. I haven't told him yet and I'm not planning to...they will find out themselves in 2 weeks when they meet their new teacher. Or should I tell him before this?

I understand the reasons why his current teacher thinks it's best they be seperated as they do tend to distract each other and they already have to sit apart in class so that they pay more attention, but I can't help but feel it's harsh to split two best friends up at the age of 5. I mean would it be so difficult to sit them apart in Y1 too if necessary?

I'm not going to appeal it as I do trust and respect the decision of the teachers, but I can't help but feel that although this teacher (who I think it brilliant) has their best interests at heart and wants what is best for their learning potential, she is very young (early 20s) and has maybe underplayed the importance of the children's friendships which I think do a lot for helping a child feel happy and settled in school. Perhaps I am being unreasonable (but I am feeling a bit emotional about it as I only found out yesterday) but I'm not sure a teacher who is also a mum would have split them up. Or maybe they would, I don't know.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm not criticising the teacher so please no abusive responses, I'm just feeling for my DS and wanted to write it down. If anyone has any advice on how to break the news to my DS that would also help

Should clarify, they were asked to name 3 children they wanted to stay with and were told they would be with at least one of them.

So is he with one of the three he named?

It will be OK. My DC are split up from their friends every year in their primary school. We have a streaming system by ability from Y1. (Don't start me on that).

But socially, it's been really good for both of them. They have formed new friendships each year, and the really strong friendships have remained, with them seeing each other in the playground at break and lunch. My DD's bf left the school last year and she still considers her her best friend, they see each other every holidays.

Try not to worry too much, they can be very resourceful and resilient.

Firstly, stress to him that he will be able to play with his friend at break times and lunch time - and that, as they don't sit together in class, he won't be losing out on any time with his friend.

Secondly, you can promise lots of (sorry) playdates after school.

Be breezy and upbeat about it - and maybe he won't be as upset as you fear. And if he is, he will get over it, I promise. My dses never got upset about class reshuffles, but plenty of their friends did, and I can assure you that the upset never lasted for long, and all of them went on to be perfectly happy in their new classes, and made new friendships to go along with the old friendships - which they maintained.

I know it feels huge, and it is horrible when you know your child is going to be upset about something, but it will be fine, I am sure.

I don't know yet, I haven't seen the full class list. But I had a meeting with his teacher yesterday about something else and she told me that she'd made the decision to seperate him and his best friend. She did say it was a hard decision for her to make and she agonised over it as she knows they are inseperable.

But yes, I would assume he is with one of the people he named, but in honesty, I think my DS was put on the spot a bit as they were more 'pluck a name out of the sky' children who he doesn't really play with that much...they were probably the two people he was with just before they asked him! They are not the same kind of friendships as he has with this other boy.

Missed the other posts while writing my previous ones. But thank you so much for the advice...I appreciate it.

Do you think I should tell him before he finds out? I would obviously tell his friend's mum if I am planning to so DS doesn't tell him. Or shall I let him find out when they meet their teacher?

Our school always used to give a class list to the parents towards the end of term, and there was much ripping open of envelopes and howling by children and parents alike in the playground. It was awful. I ran as fast as my legs would go, hauling my DC along, to get home and read it in private.

Last year for the first time, they took the decision to tell the children first, and took them into their new classrooms to meet their teachers during school. Then sent them home that day with the lists. It was brilliant.

So my advice would be to leave it to the school. (As long as the other mum if she knows in advance agrees with this too)

I had this when DS1 was in Reception. He was in a group of 4 boys and they split them up so 3 were together in Y1 and DS1 was on his own without any of his friends. I sobbed (really sobbed lol cause I was I was pregnant!) and spoke to his teacher who said that she had done it for a specific reason apart from the friendship issue it was to do with who was better with what teacher as well and as the year went on I would see why. And thats exactly what happened. Within a few weeks he was playing with everyone whereas before he only played with those few boys. He is now in Y4 and is not even really friends with the boys he was friends with in Reception.

I was really upset at the time but now looking back I can see it was the best thing for him.

If they are distracting each other then it probably is best that they are separated. They will still see each other at playtime and lunch, and a lot of schools have times when children from parallel classes mix. Of course friendships are important, but year one is different to reception, and even if they were in the same class they wouldn't be playing together like they have done.

Personally I would leave it until he finds out at school. At DS's school they are told which class they are in, then those children go straight to their new class to meet their new teacher. He will be so excited, he may not notice his friend isn't there, and you can have a chat to him after school.

HTH

I wouldn't worry. Kids make friends and break friends much more readily than adults. By the end of his first week in the new school year he'll probably have a brand new best friend. Harsh, but true!

I've not had this as school is single form.

I suggest you don't tell him in advance but start preparing the way. eg saying things like

• you know they are rearranging classes next year
• quite often friends end up in different classes
• classes still mix at breaktime

That's what I do with my 2 if I think negative news is coming up. By the time they get the news they've got used to the concept it might occur and can be sad but more philosophical about it.

If your DS and hid friend are separated in class anyway for working then it won't make much difference, they can still play together in the playground.

I would be happy for DS2 (6) to be split from his friends as they do distract each other and are silly. DS2s teacher has been working with him on making sensible choices. e.g. he does not need to sit next to his friends on the carpet if that is going to get him into trouble. It has helped him a lot.

Our school do this (and then mix them up again at the end of Y3) and the school and I both felt DS needed to be split up from his best friend - mostly to expose them to a greater range of children. It has worked well, as in there haven't been problems (but they are still very close and don't really want to play with other people - you can lead a horse to water.......). I will be advocating they are still kept apart when they mix again.

She said she's agonised. You need to trust her professional judgement, I'd say.

My DS who is 6 is to be in a different class from one of his best friends next year. I thought he'd be upset but when I told him he seemed to accept it quite well. I think it made it easier that I'd told him in advance what to expect.

I would handle it the way Teenand Tween would.

But I do dislike this. I'll just bring up the person who said
He was in a group of 4 boys and they split them up so 3 were together in Y1 and DS1 was on his own without any of his friends
followed by
He is now in Y4 and is not even really friends with the boys he was friends with in Reception

Because that is my experience generally. They end up not friends or certainly best friends any more.

Now sometimes there is a friendship that is unhelpful, and they are best split. But most of the times it isn't that dramatic. And it does break up friends, almost all close friends I know of who have been split up have ended up not really friends even with parents doing their best out of school. My dd was the exception, and that wasn't good either.

I agree about the 3 friends' list. I remember dd1 (they didn't mix forms for her) saying to dd2, who was told to name 6 people that she "had about 3 she would have definitely wanted to be with, 3 who she definitely didn't, and was totally indifferent about the other 23"
The now tell them to name 10 from their own form, which I think is totally ridiculous-if you get 1 and 2 you're probably pretty happy. 9 and 10 is getting silly and probably you're fairly indifferent.

Also the other thing I hate about this is that having split from a best friend, assuming they mix up every year, there seems to very rarely be a way of requesting you're back together with them. So if a split doesn't work, or the split for one year has meant they're less dependent on each other and now would be better together, there's no way other than luck to hope they get back together.

Just thought I'd offer a teacher who has had to do this in the past perspective. Often in very close friendships there is a more dominant one and a more passive one and it's not always the same as how they might be perceived out of class. The more passive child needs to find their own feet young or they'll never do it.

I had to split twins for this reason and the parents weren't too happy but trusted our judgment. The more passive twin has made huge progress socially and academically and would never have done that with the more dominant twin doing it all for them.

It will be better for your child in the long term if they make more friends and are encouraged whilst they are young to broaden their circle. Make sure you are really positive about it to your ds so he doesn't pick up on any of your anxieties about it.

So many replies, thank you so much all...it really is making me feel better.

It is true that it probably won't be that different for them as they do have to sit apart in class anyway and they will still see each other at playtime, and this is definitely a point I will emphasise to him when the time comes.

I take a lot of heart from the 'it will all be ok' stories, which I'm sure deep down it will. And thank you for the advice on how to handle it...I think I will manage his expectations (as he thinks there is no question that they will be together) and then go with the flow afterwards.

I didn't mention it in my OP, but they have been best friends since nursery and I think that starting school together they were each other's security blanket. PickledPorcupine, thank you for your comments. You are absolutely right, there is a more dominant and a more passive child in the friendship...I hadn't even considered that the more passive child would have the opportunity to find his feet and progress better on his own. Excellent point.

When my head rules, I think I know deep down that the teacher has made a good decision, and there is no question that I do trust and respect her professional judgement, especially as I know it has not been a decision she has taken lightly, but when my heart takes over I just feel sad that this could potentially change their relationship.

My DC are reshuffled every year. Their best friends are habitually in other classes. I think DD has only had one year out of 4 with her best friend (though she is crossing her fingers for next year!)

Your DS will only be devastated if you make it seem devastating. My DC both worked out for themselves from an early age that it makes no odds if their friends are in their class as they only get to talk to them if the teacher happens to put them in the same group and they can still play with them at playtimes/outside school clubs/playdates.

I mean would it be so difficult to sit them apart in Y1 too if necessary?

This is exactly the sort of reason for splitting them up though, I can't imagine the year 1 teacher being happy if she was told the reception teachers had put two children in her class who she would need to keep apart.

IME parents seem more emotionally wedded to the notion of their DCs friends, than the children themselves who usually just crack on with playing with whoever is available.

BTW our school do shuffles every year, they insist on telling the children before the parents and have a special afternoon where the children visit their new classroom and teacher with their new classmates. There is always an air of excitement as the children come rushing out at the end of the day to tell their parents the great news.
I'm not sure what the school say to the children exactly, but they have a lot of experience and seem to know how to handle it in a really positive way.

I actually can see a lot of benefits to being split from a friend in class, it could easily make their friendship a lot stronger whilst enabling them both to make their own way in their work.

My dd is in a seven forms per year level school. When she went into year one, there were five of them from reception. Once,she only had one person from her previous class and she didn't like him. She's quite quiet and shy too. And she is always just fine. One year she played with her 'old' friends at play times and she was still fine.

She's in top year five now and I can really see the benefits of it. The kids all know each other now and the school has a lovely atmosphere. There is no bullying at all. And hardly any (if any) play time rules. All the children are allowed anywhere for example. No separate playgrounds and obviously there are loads of them. There's never any issues.